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My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

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  • sister_82
    replied
    Re: My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

    As Salaam Alaykum

    I havent read all the posts here because I'm getting bored with a number of polyagmy threads and basically repeating myself.

    1. This is something you would need to compromise on, there is no way your husband can guarantee this so its unfair place such a demand on him. Look at our sisters in war torn/poor counties - they need to get married to.

    2. The husband must to that regardless, its the husband responsibilities to maintain and provide for his wife- that is a commanded by Allah swt. and to be equal and just if he takes on more. If there is a time that the husband becomes jobless then - then he may have no option to seek help - as long as he is actively looking for work In some cases the wife may work and compromise on this for a while.

    3. Its a woman right to ask for separate accommodation, if you are not able to a roof over your wife/wives head then maybe you should reconsider remarrying. I dont know brothers think its ok to make their wife compromise and sacrifice so much so that they can take another wife, its the husband fears Allah swt and has sound character then it would work

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  • Gingerbeardman
    replied
    Re: My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

    Originally posted by nonameakhi View Post
    generally speaking who gets married with the intention of multiple wives anyway?
    Plenty of people. Let's have the brothers be honest with the sisters here, most young unmarried brothers (and often older ones as well) speak of marrying more than once when they get together and talk, it's immature but it does happen and often.

    Others who are already married like the idea of it in theory but know how difficult it would be to be just in practice so don't, but still the desire is there if they could.

    Generally I would say it's more unusual for a man not to have this want both before and even during marriage, but most of the time it's tempered by society and family around us, the love for our wives and children and not wanting to hurt them, as well as a fear of being unjust and being punished by Allaah.
    Last edited by Gingerbeardman; 22-08-16, 03:35 PM.

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  • EenieMeanie
    replied
    Re: My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

    Originally posted by Abu 'Abdullaah View Post
    Hypothetical wives placing hypothetical conditions upon hypothetical husbands/potentials.

    Wonderful.
    You've been here for nearly 10 years but...welcome to Ummah.

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  • Abu 'Abdullaah
    replied
    Re: My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

    Hypothetical wives placing hypothetical conditions upon hypothetical husbands/potentials.

    Wonderful.

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  • nonameakhi
    replied
    Re: My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

    Originally posted by EenieMeanie View Post
    The entire male populous of UF apparently.
    come on sis, its playground bravado

    All the asian kids used to say ''salah is excercise'' and ''we can have 4 wives'' to the non muslim lads as a way of ''defending their religion'' they didnt know their salah but 4 wives all day long

    Today, with respect many cant get one

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  • EenieMeanie
    replied
    Re: My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

    Originally posted by nonameakhi View Post
    generally speaking who gets married with the intention of multiple wives anyway?
    The entire male population of UF apparently.

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  • nonameakhi
    replied
    Re: My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

    generally speaking who gets married with the intention of multiple wives anyway?

    Leave a comment:


  • Gingerbeardman
    replied
    Re: My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

    Originally posted by EenieMeanie View Post
    the manipulation is real. But then there are people like [MENTION=104157]zi-zizou[/MENTION] who will say "she agreed to it of her own accord" - what say you about situations like this? And I'm sorry but some girls are just dumb. They agree to things without thinking it through in the long term when the honeymoon period is over. Someone needs to be an adult and actually protect such women from their own naivety/silliness. This would normally be the wali but interestingly I'm guessing in these cases, he isn't present/involved for one reason or another e.g. due to the woman being a revert, culturally wali being passive etc..
    Yes, we see these problems normally we reverts and those who have no meaningful wali because of culture. Another group is sisters who are divorced and their fathers almost wash their hands of them when it comes to marriage after that. All three groups are preyed on by some devious brothers, and in that I don't just mean marriage bandits but also those who marrying to stay married but still have no intention of fulfilling her rights.

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  • EenieMeanie
    replied
    Re: My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

    Originally posted by Gingerbeardman View Post
    What I mean is sometimes a sister might want to make the marriage conditions easy, so it can go ahead, that is her choice.

    But on other occasions brothers knowing full well they cannot afford another wife approach a woman for marriage, then once she seems interested then drop the bombshell they cannot afford to actually look after their wife, but preying on a woman's attachment she has formed and her vulnerability will convince her to allow such a condition in the nikkah.

    It becomes imposed on her unjustly.

    Same with issues around equal time, so a man may tell his new wife he has a wife already, but then as the negotiations go on he drops on her his 1st wife is very demanding and will only allow him x amount of time so she has to take this or leave it, or his first wife doesn't know so she has to make do with what little of his spare time he is willing to give her.
    the manipulation is real. But then there are people like [MENTION=104157]zi-zizou[/MENTION] who will say "she agreed to it of her own accord" - what say you about situations like this? And I'm sorry but some girls are just dumb. They agree to things without thinking it through in the long term when the honeymoon period is over. Someone needs to be an adult and actually protect such women from their own naivety/silliness. This would normally be the wali but interestingly I'm guessing in these cases, he isn't present/involved for one reason or another e.g. due to the woman being a revert, culturally wali being passive etc..

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  • nonameakhi
    replied
    Re: My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

    wife can place all the conditions she wants but at the end of the day they mean nothing really

    furthermore ask yourself are these conditions halal anyway, and doesnt Islam cover them?

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  • Sabros
    replied
    Re: My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

    Originally posted by Gingerbeardman View Post
    That's because they are thinking about themselves and their station, that if such conditions became common place they'd never get around to getting a 2nd wife which for a lot of them (especially bizarrely the unmarried ones) is their secret dream and aim in this dunya.

    But if they thought of it from the position of their own sister or daughter, I am pretty certain they'd find these conditions more than fair and add a few more of their own on top.
    Now look here.
    There is really no need to bring logic and fairness into this.

    Yes I may be many years from marriage and should probably actually revise for my exams rather than spend time on this forum, but dammit if I want my three wives I want them.
    Its the dream that keeps me going. Bonus: it riles up the women on here.

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  • Gingerbeardman
    replied
    Re: My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

    Originally posted by EenieMeanie View Post
    I find it interesting you give me such advice but say nothing to the brothers on this thread who have got the magnifying glass out and are already uncomfortable with the notion of such basic conditions.

    Also, as most women seem to not even be able to entertain the idea of their husband having another wife - surely I'm miles ahead of the game? But you're right, better to force polygamy down the throat of a woman who hates it and not fulfil her rights out of laziness than, you know, seek out someone who is open to it but with basic conditions in place. Because....lazy (inconsiderate) man's logic.
    That's because they are thinking about themselves and their station, that if such conditions became common place they'd never get around to getting a 2nd wife which for a lot of them (especially bizarrely the unmarried ones) is their secret dream and aim in this dunya.

    But if they thought of it from the position of their own sister or daughter, I am pretty certain they'd find these conditions more than fair and add a few more of their own on top.

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  • Gingerbeardman
    replied
    Re: My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

    Originally posted by EenieMeanie View Post
    Brothers making conditions? Could you elaborate on this part?
    What I mean is sometimes a sister might want to make the marriage conditions easy, so it can go ahead, that is her choice.

    But on other occasions brothers knowing full well they cannot afford another wife approach a woman for marriage, then once she seems interested then drop the bombshell they cannot afford to actually look after their wife, but preying on a woman's attachment she has formed and her vulnerability will convince her to allow such a condition in the nikkah.

    It becomes imposed on her unjustly.

    Same with issues around equal time, so a man may tell his new wife he has a wife already, but then as the negotiations go on he drops on her his 1st wife is very demanding and will only allow him x amount of time so she has to take this or leave it, or his first wife doesn't know so she has to make do with what little of his spare time he is willing to give her.

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  • EenieMeanie
    replied
    Re: My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

    Originally posted by Ni'mah View Post
    You got your head in the right space. Tbh there are few men that have the right sort of thinking & character to handle the challenges of polygamy. For one, the man should always concentrate his focus on what he should be doing to make it work rather than guilt trip etc. I actually think hubby would do well with most aspects of polygamy but I would never tell that to him lol.
    Every man and his uncle think that man is him. Ironic that it's probably the ones most in fear of polygamy (because of the high stakes if they do not treat the women justly) who are most qualified and mature enough to actually partake in it.

    MashaAllah, sis. May Allah bless your marriage and make it a means for you to enter jannat-ul-Firdaus, Ameen. And may Allah grant you righteous offspring that will make dua for you and be the coolness of your eyes, Ameen :inlove:

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  • Ni'mah
    replied
    Re: My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

    Originally posted by EenieMeanie View Post
    Brothers making conditions? Could you elaborate on this part?



    Yup. The bottom line is that the men are lazy. They want to shove the "be patient" and "marriage is Ibaadah" spiel down the wife/women in general's throat but there is no talk about men realising that they are going to have to work twice as hard to make such marriages work. None of this "oh, I have free time - lemme just zone out on the laptop for the rest of the evening", you're going to have to actually make use of every minute of time you have and be in the service of your family. But, no, why would they want to do this - and actually reap the rewards in this life and the next - when they can just do a half-a**ed job and silence their wives' complaints with "be patient", you have "low iman"W, "don't you love the sunnah" etc?
    Yeah sis, it's exactly how you've illustrated. An intelligent man realises that it's largely up to him how successful a polygamous marriage is. Many men don't have the right approach not the character/ wisdom to deal with the challenges polygamy brings.

    I actually think hubby would do well with most aspects of polygamy but I would never tell that to him lol.
    Last edited by Ni'mah; 22-08-16, 11:22 AM.

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