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Intermixing During Volunteer Events

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  • Linkdeutscher
    Intermixing During Volunteer Events

    Wa alaykum Salam

    Sister all of this is very haraam and incredibly dangerous. If need be your husband even needs to fully quit this voluntary work if free mixing is inevitable.

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  • So-confused
    Re: Intermixing During Volunteer Events

    Yes, joking and laughing with a non mahram regardless if they are married or not isn't acceptable behavior. You're feelings aren't simply jealousy.

    I'm surprised her husband is perfectly fine with his wife's behavior and actually is scolding you for it. Just because you're all married doesn't mean that you're allowed to relax with each other and banter. Conversations should be professional, limited and when necessary.
    Last edited by So-confused; 16-08-16, 08:13 PM.

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  • Hijabi4life
    started a topic Intermixing During Volunteer Events

    Intermixing During Volunteer Events

    Assalam'Alaykum dear sisters and brothers,

    I'm writing to you all to see advice on a situation that's been really bothering me and I can not find a solution to.

    My husband and I regularly are involved in doing volunteer work with Muslims. I'd rather not get into the details of what we're doing for fear of being recognized (yeah I know possibilities are slim but still lol). We have been doing this work for about 2 years and it involves men and women- even families and their children often join us. Usually women don't really interact with men that much unless we are talking about work related stuff, but even then it's in a respectful manner and doesn't happen so often. A married couple along with their kids starting joining us and they've been involved for almost a year now. I enjoyed their company and get along nicely with the wife and adore their children. I started to notice that this sister (the wife) is not so modest in her interaction with men. She talks and laughs a lot with men and often chats with my husband -sometimes about work related stuff or other random things. I've never in my years of marriage with him observed another sister being this close and chatty with him. I've always been taught (I'm a revert to Islam) about the dangers of intermixing and that these things should be avoided. This sister behaves like this often and not just with my husband, she talks openly a lot with other men as well. I observe it more with my husband because I see them every weekend.

    Fast forward about 4-6 months later, I kind of separated myself from volunteering because of personal issues. I would go sometimes but not as often. When I did go and get involved I noticed that there were times she would stand right next to him and even sit across from him at tables- even at times laughing with him. Her husband and children are always around by the way. I also noticed that my husband had pictures of her alone doing the volunteer work.

    So I confronted my husband about this and he expressed his admiration for her and her dedication to the work we do- and how she does all of this even as a mother of 4 kids. He says that it's sick for me to think wrongly of her because she's a mom and a wife, he has a great friendship with her husband. He thinks my feelings are just jealousy. I explained to him that I'm only reacting out of what I learned to be inappropriate in Islam.He then said he would not interact with her so much during volunteering and avoid her.

    A week later when it was time to volunteer I noticed that he did try to change his behavior but it was difficult for him because she always tries to talk to him and joke with him. Her kids of course make it harder because sometimes she has to say things to them and they are around him (ages are 5-12). I then decided that if his behavior was going to be difficult because of her actions I will finally say something to her about her actions that I find disrespectful and do not approve of. Since it's hard to talk to her in private I sent her a message telling her that her behavior is unacceptable to me and that I find it very disrespectful that she constantly talks to my husband. Her husband confronted my husband about the message and said that his wife has never been accused like this before- she never replied to the message. The next time I saw them I was completely shocked that her kids were totally acting different towards me. Her daughter always runs up to me to give me a hug and a kiss and this time she was completely cold (she's only around 8-9). Her oldest sons also snubbed me. This to me is the most disturbing about this situation. I totally felt like an outcast that day as everyone including my husband were cool and chitchatting and I was just there on the side doing my own thing. I eventually did have a talk with the sister and she says that she never meant to overstep her boundaries and she has always been taught about these things ever since she was very young. She did not even realize or acknowledge that her behavior was not okay.

    I expressed my sadness and disappointment to my husband and he says that no one knows why her kids acted like this. He says he does not want to deal with this and does not want to be a part of my drama. Last night I tried to mention it again to my husband in a calm voice and he totally flipped and started throwing things around the house. He says that he's at his wits end and doesn't know how to remedy this situation. He says he can not sit there and do the volunteer work with a grumpy face on and just wants this all to pass.

    I'm really disappointed with the way this whole situation was handled. My husband totally dismisses my feelings. He really admires the family because of good deeds that they do and loves the kids as I do. I think that this is the reason it's difficult for him to see how the mother is mistreating me. I feel like he is totally blinded.

    On another note, we had a situation where there was a brother who volunteered (he's single) and he would talk to me very often. He would literally stand next to me and chat my ear off for 15-20 minutes sometimes.My husband complained to me about his behavior towards me and often pulled me away and told me to never stand next to him.Eventually he stopped after I behaved a little abrasive towards him. I tell my husband to compare these situations but he says it's worst with him because he's a single unmarried man.