Ads by Muslim Ad Network

Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Intermixing During Volunteer Events

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Intermixing During Volunteer Events

    Assalam'Alaykum dear sisters and brothers,

    I'm writing to you all to see advice on a situation that's been really bothering me and I can not find a solution to.

    My husband and I regularly are involved in doing volunteer work with Muslims. I'd rather not get into the details of what we're doing for fear of being recognized (yeah I know possibilities are slim but still lol). We have been doing this work for about 2 years and it involves men and women- even families and their children often join us. Usually women don't really interact with men that much unless we are talking about work related stuff, but even then it's in a respectful manner and doesn't happen so often. A married couple along with their kids starting joining us and they've been involved for almost a year now. I enjoyed their company and get along nicely with the wife and adore their children. I started to notice that this sister (the wife) is not so modest in her interaction with men. She talks and laughs a lot with men and often chats with my husband -sometimes about work related stuff or other random things. I've never in my years of marriage with him observed another sister being this close and chatty with him. I've always been taught (I'm a revert to Islam) about the dangers of intermixing and that these things should be avoided. This sister behaves like this often and not just with my husband, she talks openly a lot with other men as well. I observe it more with my husband because I see them every weekend.

    Fast forward about 4-6 months later, I kind of separated myself from volunteering because of personal issues. I would go sometimes but not as often. When I did go and get involved I noticed that there were times she would stand right next to him and even sit across from him at tables- even at times laughing with him. Her husband and children are always around by the way. I also noticed that my husband had pictures of her alone doing the volunteer work.

    So I confronted my husband about this and he expressed his admiration for her and her dedication to the work we do- and how she does all of this even as a mother of 4 kids. He says that it's sick for me to think wrongly of her because she's a mom and a wife, he has a great friendship with her husband. He thinks my feelings are just jealousy. I explained to him that I'm only reacting out of what I learned to be inappropriate in Islam.He then said he would not interact with her so much during volunteering and avoid her.

    A week later when it was time to volunteer I noticed that he did try to change his behavior but it was difficult for him because she always tries to talk to him and joke with him. Her kids of course make it harder because sometimes she has to say things to them and they are around him (ages are 5-12). I then decided that if his behavior was going to be difficult because of her actions I will finally say something to her about her actions that I find disrespectful and do not approve of. Since it's hard to talk to her in private I sent her a message telling her that her behavior is unacceptable to me and that I find it very disrespectful that she constantly talks to my husband. Her husband confronted my husband about the message and said that his wife has never been accused like this before- she never replied to the message. The next time I saw them I was completely shocked that her kids were totally acting different towards me. Her daughter always runs up to me to give me a hug and a kiss and this time she was completely cold (she's only around 8-9). Her oldest sons also snubbed me. This to me is the most disturbing about this situation. I totally felt like an outcast that day as everyone including my husband were cool and chitchatting and I was just there on the side doing my own thing. I eventually did have a talk with the sister and she says that she never meant to overstep her boundaries and she has always been taught about these things ever since she was very young. She did not even realize or acknowledge that her behavior was not okay.

    I expressed my sadness and disappointment to my husband and he says that no one knows why her kids acted like this. He says he does not want to deal with this and does not want to be a part of my drama. Last night I tried to mention it again to my husband in a calm voice and he totally flipped and started throwing things around the house. He says that he's at his wits end and doesn't know how to remedy this situation. He says he can not sit there and do the volunteer work with a grumpy face on and just wants this all to pass.

    I'm really disappointed with the way this whole situation was handled. My husband totally dismisses my feelings. He really admires the family because of good deeds that they do and loves the kids as I do. I think that this is the reason it's difficult for him to see how the mother is mistreating me. I feel like he is totally blinded.

    On another note, we had a situation where there was a brother who volunteered (he's single) and he would talk to me very often. He would literally stand next to me and chat my ear off for 15-20 minutes sometimes.My husband complained to me about his behavior towards me and often pulled me away and told me to never stand next to him.Eventually he stopped after I behaved a little abrasive towards him. I tell my husband to compare these situations but he says it's worst with him because he's a single unmarried man.

  • #2
    Re: Intermixing During Volunteer Events

    Yes, joking and laughing with a non mahram regardless if they are married or not isn't acceptable behavior. You're feelings aren't simply jealousy.

    I'm surprised her husband is perfectly fine with his wife's behavior and actually is scolding you for it. Just because you're all married doesn't mean that you're allowed to relax with each other and banter. Conversations should be professional, limited and when necessary.
    Last edited by So-confused; 16-08-16, 08:13 PM.

    Comment


    • #3
      Intermixing During Volunteer Events

      Wa alaykum Salam

      Sister all of this is very haraam and incredibly dangerous. If need be your husband even needs to fully quit this voluntary work if free mixing is inevitable.
      You think you know more than my scholar's qiyās? He was more learned than you and all other scholars combined. Yeah, the devil was the greatest scholar too and look where his qiyās of fire being better than tīn got him. Sorry.

      You follow your scholar's qiyās, and I will follow the Qur'ān and Sunnah.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Intermixing During Volunteer Events

        My husband admitted that if I behaved as she did he would not like it. Yet still, he wants us to move forward and forget this even happened.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Intermixing During Volunteer Events

          Find another place to volunteer in.
          Hopefully this should serve as a lesson for you and your husband.
          Don't make the same mistake again.
          There is rest only in the aakhira.
          Man will rest in the aakhira according to how hard he strives in dunya.

          - Khaalid Ibn Al Waleed (ra) -

          If you find yourself in a time where speech is regarded as knowledge,
          and knowledge is regarded as deeds,
          then you are in the worst of times, with the worst of people.

          - Abu Hazim Al Ashja'i (ra) -

          I saw a dog without any clothes on .
          That's right, a nude dog.
          The Deepweb is disgusting.
          - Unknown -


          Links
          The Middle Road - At-Tanzil - Hifz Thread - Muslim Healthy Living
          Inheritors of Qur'aan

          Download Links




          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Intermixing During Volunteer Events

            Originally posted by Hijabi4life View Post
            My husband admitted that if I behaved as she did he would not like it. Yet still, he wants us to move forward and forget this even happened.
            SubhanaAllaah sis.

            May Allaah make things easy for you.

            You should try and explain to your husband that such voluntary work which involves freemixing is not permissable in Islaam. Try to leave the matter now for a little while, until your husband has calmed down, then try and approach it in a different manner. It's an extremely delicate situation, which puts you in a negative light if you handle things carelessly.

            Or maybe entice your husband with a new Project which makes him spend less time with what he's currently doing?

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Intermixing During Volunteer Events

              It's not easy to ask him to do another project because he leads it. So basically the project will not exist if he leaves.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Intermixing During Volunteer Events

                Probably sending a message to her wasn't a great idea.

                I believe that there's always a means. If your husband could change his behavior, could be cold and indifferent towards her and stay firm in this, before or after she would have stopped or at least changed her behavior too.

                What does it mean "but it was difficult for him because she always tries to talk to him and joke with him", NO. Your husband should learn how to manage these situations. We live in a world where there are males and females and where in some occasions we can't avoid intermixing. We should be able to manage these situations too. And there's no excuse for laughing and joking together. No.

                You should have solved this with your husband.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Intermixing During Volunteer Events

                  I totally agree with you. I have been around men who act very cold towards me and they manage to do that. It also wasn't difficult for me to be abrasive towards the brother that talked to me a lot since it bothered my husband. On whether or not I should have sent her the message I think it was good to call out her behavior since it may help her to be watchful of her actions.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Intermixing During Volunteer Events

                    :wswrwb:

                    It's very normal with charity/volunteer organisations to allow all this, when I had a Facebook account I was amazed at how all these Muslim looking brothers and sisters were laughing with each other in pictures and standing close, shared accounts of volunteering together, etc. under the guise of, 'For Islam'. Well no, Islam doesn't allow free-mixing like this. Volunteering positions tend to be more relaxed than employed jobs and so people adopt this culture and think it's perfectly acceptable because they're working for the greater good, it's part of the appeal for some. It boosts morale, etc. or so it is claimed, but it is wrong. Your husband ignoring this basic understanding in Islam is wrong, you are not incorrect in pointing it out.

                    However, you were wrong in addressing your concerns to the sister. Your husband is responsible for his own actions. I don't understand why women blame women, the man is not hopeless or an animal that he cannot control himself. Persist, what he is doing is not good at all. Perhaps instead of making it what he deems personal, send him Islamic material on this subject. It is utterly hypocritical that it is not all right for you but is fine for him.
                    Ya Muqallib al-Quloob, thabbit qalbi 'alaa Deenik
                    O' Converter of Hearts, make my heart steadfast upon Thy Way
                    We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Intermixing During Volunteer Events

                      Originally posted by Hijabi4life View Post
                      I totally agree with you. I have been around men who act very cold towards me and they manage to do that. It also wasn't difficult for me to be abrasive towards the brother that talked to me a lot since it bothered my husband. On whether or not I should have sent her the message I think it was good to call out her behavior since it may help her to be watchful of her actions.
                      I wouldn't have sent her a message. I would have met up with her and spoken to her directly to see her reaction.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Intermixing During Volunteer Events

                        Originally posted by Soliloquy View Post
                        :wswrwb:

                        It's very normal with charity/volunteer organisations to allow all this, when I had a Facebook account I was amazed at how all these Muslim looking brothers and sisters were laughing with each other in pictures and standing close, shared accounts of volunteering together, etc. under the guise of, 'For Islam'. Well no, Islam doesn't allow free-mixing like this. Volunteering positions tend to be more relaxed than employed jobs and so people adopt this culture and think it's perfectly acceptable because they're working for the greater good, it's part of the appeal for some. It boosts morale, etc. or so it is claimed, but it is wrong. Your husband ignoring this basic understanding in Islam is wrong, you are not incorrect in pointing it out.

                        However, you were wrong in addressing your concerns to the sister. Your husband is responsible for his own actions. I don't understand why women blame women, the man is not hopeless or an animal that he cannot control himself. Persist, what he is doing is not good at all. Perhaps instead of making it what he deems personal, send him Islamic material on this subject. It is utterly hypocritical that it is not all right for you but is fine for him.
                        You are so right-on in what you said that people accept it as perfectly acceptable because they're working for the greater good.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Intermixing During Volunteer Events

                          He needs to understand the problem with his attitude. Because even if the project ends or he moves somewhere else, or you manage to convince the woman to back off, unless he admits his wrong then he might just end up in the same situation later.

                          On a side note, the way the other woman told her kids to be rude to you indicates that she's stupid and childish.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Intermixing During Volunteer Events

                            Originally posted by quark View Post
                            He needs to understand the problem with his attitude. Because even if the project ends or he moves somewhere else, or you manage to convince the woman to back off, unless he admits his wrong then he might just end up in the same situation later.

                            On a side note, the way the other woman told her kids to be rude to you indicates that she's stupid and childish.
                            This is my biggest problem here that he does not acknowledge any wrongdoing. Neither does the wife or her husband. It makes me feel like I'm just crazy and overreacting. The husband and wife actually had a party where they separated men and women yet when my husband and I come over there is freemixing. I don't understand why this rule was followed in a large group but not in a small group.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Intermixing During Volunteer Events

                              You're not crazy.

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X