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Idk I just dono,feeling a bit depressed,sorry if this is long

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  • Idk I just dono,feeling a bit depressed,sorry if this is long

    Asslam Alykom brothers and sisters.

    Idk where to start, I finished my last school year 2 months ago and and I want to get married!
    Reasons: I want someone to spend time with, helps me to achieve my dreams and I help her too(Deen and Dunya dreams)! Help me stay on the right path and I help her too! Spend time with me and I too! I honestly have only few "friends". Now you tell me, why not spend time with your parent's? I do so ALOT but the age difference prevents me from doing many things and hobbies which also cant do with my nearly no friends(My parents are abit old).

    Tbh: Marrying to not fall into Sin 30% but marrying for the sake of Deenship,friendship,etc 70%
    I'm 18 yrs old(prob young, but Allah(swt) gave me wisdom and no much interest of materialism and Dunya الحمد لله)
    I don't even mind marrying an elder sister too!

    But my Arab background might prevent me from doing so T_T(probably traditions) and I don't think my parents would understand my case as I don't know how to REtell them about the issue (already told my dad 1.5 years ago, ik I was VERY young and immature, but these few years changed me 90degrees) as I don't know how to explain cz it's something I feel from the heart, and now from time to time Shaytan is making me feel depressed and forget that this is in the hands of Allah (swt) whenever I hear/see a new married couple(I be like Yaaaa Allah, one Mo'mena,religious sister is taken, bas then I make Dua'a for the couple and forget about the issue)

    LIKE I REALLY dono, when I say this is in the hands of Allah (swt) I be like ok then, توكلت على الله(I trust Allah) but along as I don't do anything about it,Allah (swt) won't help me (لم أتخذ بالأسباب ) since i didnt try to do anything about it, I'M SCARED,SHY to tell my parents and DONO how to tell them(I dono what to say when they answer with the typical answers: ur young, u nerd to go to uni,when u get a job,house,car,then marry the one with the same prestige as yours or higher, which I really don't care of), ya Allah send someone here to answer all my questions and help me,Wallahi I'm lost!
    Now Ik Allah (swt) said if you are poor etc and u want to get married, he will take care of these stuff(forgot the Ayah) but how ik going to pay the mahr,dawlory and pocket money and etc, anyone with personal experience placements share it here!
    Ik I have been really personal here, I want to say everything I have to say!! If anyone is willing to attack me,talk side stuff pls just leave..
    والله مستعان

  • #2
    Re: Idk I just dono,feeling a bit depressed,sorry if this is long

    wa alaykum salaam wa rahmatullahi wa baraakuth

    From my personal experience, playing the "long game" with my parents is what got them on board. ie I didn't just come out of the blue and say "btw I want to get married", I built up over time (probably over the course of a year or two) just testing the waters, comments about marriage in the context of the future not present, discussing it in more details in terms of plans for the future. Eventually it got to the point that they bring up the subject, and it's a serious discussion not just dreaming about the future. Now if I said "btw I want to get married" they would be prepared to help me do that immediately.

    It's not something I did on purpose, it just happened, but I think this is the approach people in our situation should use. The reason being is that you have to remember that from your parents perspective you are their son. They obviously knew you since you were born, and the vast majority of time they have known you you have been a child. So they probably still see you as a child and immature, because that is the default way they have looked at you your whole life. You have to demonstrate to them that you are now mature otherwise they won't realise, and that takes time. Furthermore, even if they realise that you are mature, you are still their baby, and the idea of you marrying now won't sit right with them at first. You have to let them come to terms with the fact that you've grown up and marriage is a thing that is going to happen in the not to distant future, and this takes time also.

    Yes for me it took a couple of years, but I wasn't doing it intentionally, so I think you can do it over the course of a few months. But just ease them into the idea, don't spring it on them. I think if you ease them into the discussion, you can passively do away with a lot of those objections too (waiting until after university, waiting until you are at a high position in your career etc), because you'll be talking in a more theoretical way so they are more likely to listen to the point.

    Allahu A'alam, this approach worked for me, maybe it will work for you.

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    • #3
      Re: Idk I just dono,feeling a bit depressed,sorry if this is long

      Ah thnx man , really appreciate it

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Idk I just dono,feeling a bit depressed,sorry if this is long

        Originally posted by IbnTaymiyyah View Post
        Ah thnx man , really appreciate it

        The above was really good advice

        inshaAllah I will make dua for u :)
        ...And he who fears Allah - He will make for him a way out. [65:3]
        "Put your trust in Allah, certainly, Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him)."
        :love: [Al-Imran 3:159] :love:

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        • #5
          Re: Idk I just dono,feeling a bit depressed,sorry if this is long

          Originally posted by RaNdOm View Post
          The above was really good advice

          inshaAllah I will make dua for u :)
          Ye ik
          Thnz tho, make Dua for me anytime anywhere , even once,now while you are reading this, cz tbh It does make a difference

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          • #6
            Re: Idk I just dono,feeling a bit depressed,sorry if this is long

            Originally posted by IbnTaymiyyah View Post
            Ye ik
            Thnz tho, make Dua for me anytime anywhere , even once,now while you are reading this, cz tbh It does make a difference
            Just did and will do inshaAllah :up:

            but in these moments try and learn about yourself aswell so that u will be the best husband to the best wife for u that I jus prayed for
            ...And he who fears Allah - He will make for him a way out. [65:3]
            "Put your trust in Allah, certainly, Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him)."
            :love: [Al-Imran 3:159] :love:

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Idk I just dono,feeling a bit depressed,sorry if this is long

              I will be straight and honest with you, if you are scared/shy to tell your parents your not mature enough or ready for marriage and whatever you think about "being" ready is nothing but an illusion, we have all been through this sort of stuff believe me your not alone in this, I was one of those people.

              Think about it, if your not even confident enough to tell your parents and are worried like this (those you know best) can you imagine how you would be with the father of the women you want? this is the main litmus test to see if you are really are ready and you failed miserably.

              The divorce in general is very high within Muslims something like close if not more then 50%, it's even far worse @ early 20's never mind late teens, those of us brought up in the west if we are honest with each other mentally as well maturity wise are domesticated coconuts compared to those in other countries, to give you an example in Tanzania we had a 18 year old approach me and my father (total stranger) telling us that he had intentions to marry his daughter (my sister) and get to know her (he only just saw her for 1/2 minutes) look at the balls and confidence of that guy

              Now compare this to your situation were you are scared to even have a discussion with your parents about it and you will know exactly what I am talking about, you need to shift your focus away from women and into religion, fitness and career, worry about this when you hit your 20's and achieved your goals, you have achieved nothing so far, your desperate at the moment which your falsely confusing as depression, desperation is the mother of all evil and stifles patience as can be clearly seen, it's a recipe for great disaster and certain divorce, your being saved and you will think back a decade later and be very grateful it didn't happen like I do all the time.
              Last edited by Inquisitive10; 09-08-16, 02:46 AM.

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