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The father's power over Marriage

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  • The father's power over Marriage

    assalamualaikum.

    I have three scenarios i'd like some advice on:

    1. My sister is getting married next year but our father has not agreed to her proposed husband. He has a reason involving his suspicions of her losing touch with her existing children who may get affected by her new husband. She has opted to ignore this advice and continue with her marriage by having another wali, who agrees with the marriage to her proposed husband. Is this a valid marriage?

    2. I want to attend my sisters marriage but my father and mother will both disagree with my choice and will forbid me from attending. Am I allowed to attend the wedding against my father's wishes?

    3. I am married and my wife is living abroad due to visa issues. I got married with the consent of both my parents, but after the wedding, they have suspicions on my wife's intentions which I believe not to be true based on hearing from both my wife and parents. As a result they do not want me to stay married to her and do not want me to visit her abroad. Am I justified in visiting her and ignoring my parents?

  • #2
    The father's power over Marriage

    1. Which new Wali has she taken? Generally it's invalid, she needs some qadhi etc to judge the situation and give the guardianship to the next person or take it himself.

    2. Not sure.

    3. Yes you visit her parents got no say here.
    You think you know more than my scholar's qiyās? He was more learned than you and all other scholars combined. Yeah, the devil was the greatest scholar too and look where his qiyās of fire being better than tīn got him. Sorry.

    You follow your scholar's qiyās, and I will follow the Qur'ān and Sunnah.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: The father's power over Marriage

      your parents sound controlling
      Ibnul Qayyim رحمه الله said: "Don’t ruin your happiness with worry, and don’t ruin your mind with pessimism. Don’t ruin your success with deception and don’t ruin the optimism of others by destroying it. Don’t ruin your day by looking back at yesterday.
      __________________________________________________ _____________________________
      If you think about your situation, you will find that Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) has given you things without asking, so have trust in Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) that He doesn’t prevent anything you want except there is goodness for you.

      You could be sleeping and the doors of the heavens are being opened with dua’as being made on your behalf, SubhanAllaah: perhaps from someone poor whom you helped, or someone sad whom you brought joy, or someone passing by and you smiled at him, or someone in distress and you removed it.. so don’t ever underestimate any good deeds."



      please donate to the Ummah forum sadaqa jariya project. Click on the link for for more information, and to make a donation- https://www.justgiving.com/sadaqah-jariyah-project/

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      • #4
        Re: The father's power over Marriage

        Originally posted by cuckoo
        I can see no reason for her father's guardianship being null and void. Your father sounds as if he has valid reasons for not accepting the new proposal.

        Do you agree with his reasons? How old are her existing children?
        I do agree with my fathers view on point 1, as i have viewed the same situation previously. But for my sister's happiness I am unsure if i am allowed to attend against my dad's wishes. The new wali is my brother.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: The father's power over Marriage

          Originally posted by gorgon_777 View Post
          assalamualaikum.

          I have three scenarios i'd like some advice on:

          1. My sister is getting married next year but our father has not agreed to her proposed husband. He has a reason involving his suspicions of her losing touch with her existing children who may get affected by her new husband. She has opted to ignore this advice and continue with her marriage by having another wali, who agrees with the marriage to her proposed husband. Is this a valid marriage?

          2. I want to attend my sisters marriage but my father and mother will both disagree with my choice and will forbid me from attending. Am I allowed to attend the wedding against my father's wishes?

          3. I am married and my wife is living abroad due to visa issues. I got married with the consent of both my parents, but after the wedding, they have suspicions on my wife's intentions which I believe not to be true based on hearing from both my wife and parents. As a result they do not want me to stay married to her and do not want me to visit her abroad. Am I justified in visiting her and ignoring my parents?
          Wa Alaykum Assalaam

          1) Find out if your father still holds the same suspicion or now is he also acting out of anger. As regards to validity, that is an Islamic matter that concerns your sister and her husband, not you directly except for being a guest.

          2) Them not attending the daughter's wedding (if it is valid) is about them showing that they are angry. Showing one's anger is not going to stop the marriage.

          3) She is your wife and they are your parents. It is already difficult to judge one's own intentions, and let alone the intentions of others. Your wife has rights over you just as your parents. If your parents are preventing a healthy marriage, then you need to restudy what does it mean to obey one's parents Islamically.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: The father's power over Marriage

            Originally posted by gorgon_777 View Post
            assalamualaikum.

            I have three scenarios i'd like some advice on:

            1. My sister is getting married next year but our father has not agreed to her proposed husband. He has a reason involving his suspicions of her losing touch with her existing children who may get affected by her new husband. She has opted to ignore this advice and continue with her marriage by having another wali, who agrees with the marriage to her proposed husband. Is this a valid marriage?

            2. I want to attend my sisters marriage but my father and mother will both disagree with my choice and will forbid me from attending. Am I allowed to attend the wedding against my father's wishes?

            3. I am married and my wife is living abroad due to visa issues. I got married with the consent of both my parents, but after the wedding, they have suspicions on my wife's intentions which I believe not to be true based on hearing from both my wife and parents. As a result they do not want me to stay married to her and do not want me to visit her abroad. Am I justified in visiting her and ignoring my parents?
            Originally posted by gorgon_777 View Post
            I do agree with my fathers view on point 1, as i have viewed the same situation previously. But for my sister's happiness I am unsure if i am allowed to attend against my dad's wishes. The new wali is my brother.
            Originally posted by cuckoo
            I can see no reason for her father's guardianship being null and void. Your father sounds as if he has valid reasons for not accepting the new proposal.

            Do you agree with his reasons? How old are her existing children?
            As a wali, fearing that the daughter's existing children will get affected by the new husband is inevitable (it doesn't matter too much which husband - because children will be affected in various degrees). So for the father to stop a marriage from something unknown in the future is not correct overall. Secondly, she is a mother of her kids, she will not give up her kids. No mother does that. So what is the real reason for the wali's stopping the marriage?

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: The father's power over Marriage

              Originally posted by MuslimBro17 View Post

              3) She is your wife and they are your parents. It is already difficult to judge one's own intentions, and let alone the intentions of others. Your wife has rights over you just as your parents. If your parents are preventing a healthy marriage, then you need to restudy what does it mean to obey one's parents Islamically.
              One reasoning used is that men are asked to obey their parents but not their wives, so a man should obey his parents even in matters concerning his wife ...

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: The father's power over Marriage

                Sounds like they just scared of losing our sister.

                Maybe seek counsel with some experienced aalim in your area? arrange a meeting where all can their views?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: The father's power over Marriage

                  Originally posted by Muslima London View Post
                  your parents sound controlling
                  very much so. even after marriage he is telling his kids what they can and can't do? weird...

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: The father's power over Marriage

                    Originally posted by gorgon_777 View Post
                    assalamualaikum.

                    I have three scenarios i'd like some advice on:

                    1. My sister is getting married next year but our father has not agreed to her proposed husband. He has a reason involving his suspicions of her losing touch with her existing children who may get affected by her new husband. She has opted to ignore this advice and continue with her marriage by having another wali, who agrees with the marriage to her proposed husband. Is this a valid marriage?

                    2. I want to attend my sisters marriage but my father and mother will both disagree with my choice and will forbid me from attending. Am I allowed to attend the wedding against my father's wishes?

                    3. I am married and my wife is living abroad due to visa issues. I got married with the consent of both my parents, but after the wedding, they have suspicions on my wife's intentions which I believe not to be true based on hearing from both my wife and parents. As a result they do not want me to stay married to her and do not want me to visit her abroad. Am I justified in visiting her and ignoring my parents?
                    A real Imaam/scholar who is familiar with your situation, has talked to both sides, and is familiar with your environment and culture is best placed to really advise you.
                    Only generalities can be discussed here.

                    1. Doesn't seem like a valid reason to reject - seems like a very cultural belief. When divorced men with children remarry no one fears that they will somehow lose touch with their children. However, there is a process to change wali. She needs to get a local Imaam up to date with the whole situation and try mediation first. Plus speak to someone knowledgeable about how to change wali and who is the next suitable wali.

                    2. On the one hand it is important to listen to ones parents, but on the other hand not when they tell you to do wrong. And maybe forsaking your sisters wedding (if she gets a proper wali and goes through the proper channels) is wrong. Breaking ties of kinship, etc.

                    3. If she is your wife and you wish to stay married to her, then yes you must visit her, bring her to where you are now and give her all her rights. Again your parents cant command you to do anything wrong. That being said, it is worth looking and really thinking about why they changed their minds on this girl and whether there is any truth to their allegations.

                    Why don't you try and reconcile your parents and your sister? Unless she is getting married to a man of bad character or one that is unsuitable for her then she is not doing anything wrong. Do you just expect her to live single and alone for the rest of her life?

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: The father's power over Marriage

                      :salams

                      So you sister was married before and has kids and your father rejected this guy thinking she wouldn't focus on those kids? I'm I getting this right?

                      Regarding your wife, do you think she's using you? How is your connection with her?

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