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Advice - I don't know what to do with my wife

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  • Advice - I don't know what to do with my wife

    Assalamu alaykom my brothers and sisters,

    I am posting in these forums to get advice from some of you on my situation and what you think since I want an unbiased opinion on all of this.

    So I am 32 and my wife is 26. We have been married for 2 years now, and I feel that the last 6 months or so, she is trying her best to leave the house. A year ago she decided to leave to her parents without my permission. I was not very happy and told her not to go to her parents, but she still did it anyway. When she was there, she started telling them everything bad about me and all our personal problems (and I told her not to talk to her parents about them). She is very attached to her parents and has to tell them every personal detail about us. Her parents like to get involved too and keep on interfering with our relationship to try to ''fix'' things, but they are crossing the line and I do not like that.

    I went and made her come back home, and agreed with her parents that our issues do not go outside the house and that we solve everything on our own, that she cooks and cleans for me, and takes care of me and treats me like a real man. I also told her parents she does not make herself pretty for me at home and she thinks it is not somethign important. Her parents told me it is your right and we will speak to her and change the way she thinks.

    Everytime they talk to her, she comes back home...changes for a week, then goes back to her old self but becomes worst at it. it's as if she regrets being with me and wants to make me live in a dramatic world. She is never happy, always grumpy, complianing about everything, never satisfied and always wants to fight and bring me down when I'm either happy, or sad. Ever since I got married to this girl I did not feel happy (except for maybe soem days)...we are just ALWAYS fighting (for the stupidest things because she is just never happy)

    I am doing my best to make it work, but she does not seem like she is happy with me. I even asked her last week if she is happy being with me, and she couldn't answer me in my face. Then she started bringing up problems from 2 years ago (things that I do not do anymore and things that are very immature and childish). Then she starts telling me that she does not want to live with me, she keeps telling me I am not a real man, she keeps telling me that I don't make her happy, that I don't love her. While me, I am doing my best always to get better and I always change the little things she tells me that she doesn't like. But lately she ran out of things that she doesn't like so she brings back old things that I changed.

    But when I ask her to do the primary things for me, such as cook for me (she very rarely cooks), clean for me (she cleans maybe once a month), take care of me in bed (in the last 3 months we probably slept together maybe 3 times and she punishes me by not sleeping with me - always telling me she is tired and always coming up with excuses or goign to sleep early). I told her listen...I don't care about any of those stuff...the only thign I want is to make you happy...and yet she is not...I do not know what to do anymore since nothing is pleasing her. I am being sweet, buying her flowers and suprising her with gifts, always complimenting her, and I want to sleep with her, but I keep feeling as if she doesn't like it, so I kind of stopped asking her if I feel she is not in the mood (even though I am). She keeps telling me that the problem is me in bed and it's not her.

    So again...we fought and I decided to speak to her mother with her because she is just too different with me, she is not the same person I got married to. So I tell her mom everything she is doing to me, and tell her that your daughter still does not clean, cook, or even want to sleep with me. I told her that the things you asked me to changed have been changed, and I am a far better man that what I was 2 years ago, but your daughter is still the same and she is getting worst even though you talk to her every 2 months to straighten things out. Then the mother tells me something very personal that my wife did to me (once she was naked next to me on the bed, but before that we faught for a full week and then I did not have intercourse with her - because she really upsets me and I did not feel she wanted to anyway...she did not look happy and the time was very late anyway) so her mom told me that she asked her son...and that her son told her that a guy who does that is either sleeping with another woman, or he has emptied himself before (basically stating that I am either cheating on her or that I am not a man). I told her listen I do not like when you guys get involved in my personal issues, and told her that we had a big fight for the week before and that your daughter only sleeps with me when she wants to, otherwise there is nothing. I told her the next week she did not sleep with me once, or even ask me, and when I tell her she says she is not obliged to - I do not want to get into the details too much.

    I also told her mom that I just want your daughter to be happy, but I don't know how. I am doing everything, paying for everything, making her travel around the world, treat her like a queen and your daughter is treating me like crap. She obviously took her daughter's side infront of her, but when her daughter left to her room she was taking my side.

    The mother said to leave the daughter here, because she was yelling, screaming at me, calling me a liar, and teling me that she doesn't love me and want to live with a guy like me. I told her mom look at your daughter and how she treats me, she embarrases me and always yells like that at home and this is the third time she wants to leave the house. I never told her to leave and she is always insulting me infront of her parents by telling them every little personal detail about me...I mean they even try to tell me how to sleep with their daughter...and I find that disgusting.

    So she stayed at her moms...and the next day her mom called me to tell me that her daughter came to my place and took some clothes for work. But when I went back home, she took EVERYTHING that was hers...like EVERYTHING, even her winter jackets and boots and we're in mid summer.

    And I did not hear from them since.

    She embarrases me all the time, is very vulgar with me, disobeys me when I tell her not to leave the house, and I never hit her or anything bad. We may have had arguments but they are normal couple arguments, and most of the time they are initiated by her because I don't like to talk about her home country or vacation, or because I tell her I don't like SUV cars...I mean come on...silly things...and to her it's valid reasons to leave me and make me live in a dramatic world where I cannot enjoy my time or be happy at home.

    Anwyays...What should I do? Knowing that she left me (not the first time), and all she does is to make me angry and then tell me I don't do anything. Telling me and disrespecting me infront of her parents that I am not a man. Telling me everytime we fight that she does not want to be with me. I cannot satisfy this girl and it's not like I am having a great time married to her.

    She is the one that is never satisfies and her parents always liek to get involved in our problems even though I told them to not get involved. But to the parents...it's a VERY normal thing to get involved.

    I love the girl, but the way she has embarrased me over those 2 years turn me off alot. to be honest, my love is fading for her and it is turning into anger. I don't know if she will ever change because she has only gotten worst in the last 2 years ever since we got married, where me I am doing my best to be the perfect husband, and yet I am the one accused of being the bad guy.

    Sorry for the long post, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.

    I don't know how to make it work and I do not think she wants to change. Should I divorce her and end this?

  • #2
    Re: Advice - I don't know what to do with my wife

    :wswrwb:

    This is a serious question you are asking on the forum, which is a mixture of amateurs and a very few experienced people.

    I think both of you need to read about intimacy from an Islamic perspective. Is she educated when it comes to knowing about how to treat her spouse, does she know these things?

    If not then both of you can learn together. Recite the Quran together and learn its meaning.

    You'll have to talk to her when she has calmed down. I think you need to ask her again what the issue is, what she wants and show her that you are willing to make an effort to save your marriage. Tell her how you feel and how much it means to you and how much this kind of behaviour from her is hurting.

    Have you told her you love her?
    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Advice - I don't know what to do with my wife

      :wswrwb:

      Ouch. Those boundaries... that's disturbing. Her parents should not be privy to this kind of information.

      Yes, some people need others to confide in and it is a healthy practice for numerous reasons; most obviously, perspective for the type of people who need other people to give them that. Oftentimes this is something people who are abused fail to do, so in itself it is not bad and can be helpful in figuring out what is (a)typical. However, the details she is confiding and the manner in which she is doing this is problematic and obviously seems to have been extremely damaging.

      It sounds like this has escalated to all out contempt towards each other. You feel you've tried hard to compromise and she hasn't, we're only being given one side of this story and I find it highly unlikely that she was contemptuous and angry to this degree over nothing right from the beginning. There is something there and your frustration seems to stem from communication issues. Now from what I've read and observed, this tends to revolve around HOW you're communicating, WHAT you're communicating and the LACK of communication all together. This goes both ways, even if one person maybe at more fault than the other. It's the harsh truth but there's no point trying if your efforts are ineffectual.

      Some pointers:

      - People come in many varieties, avoid making assumptions about how your wife should be; what she should be receptive to, how she should behave, what she should think... etc. These are things to learn about her.
      - Most people don't like to be told what they're doing wrong. Sometimes it helps to approach it as, 'When X happens, I think/feel Y. Is there a reason for why X happened? I appreciate it when you do Z instead/What can I do to make that better?' and variations thereof. It sounds pedantic, but let's just say it was a hard lesson learnt and is something that is often discussed in marriage counselling. Browse online, there are vast resources available to you.
      - Communicating in written form. If you can't stop yourselves devolving into shouting matches, find other ways of diffusing the tension. Writing to each other may help, obviously this takes into consideration what you're writing and how you're writing so try to keep it neutral and towards moving on from this rather than listing all the faults you've both piled up about each other.
      - Ask each other what you think/feel more, don't try to fix it, try to accept and then discuss it.

      Obviously this is all assuming you still want to try. No one wants to deal with one-sided effort, but I question how much you know of her own take on this.
      Ya Muqallib al-Quloob, thabbit qalbi 'alaa Deenik
      O' Converter of Hearts, make my heart steadfast upon Thy Way
      We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Advice - I don't know what to do with my wife

        A 6-year difference will always include maturity difference. what you find silly, a younger person will find it very significant. the only thing i can advice is wait until becomes more mature, it will eventually happen.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Advice - I don't know what to do with my wife

          What are the positive things about her? If you can come up with no real positives and you don't have children together, then my advice is to divorce her and be done with it, specially since she has already left you and taken all of her things. By the way, I am married and I also went through some similar issues in the first couple years of my marriage, although not as bad as your situation seems.

          What really helped my marriage was having a long separation. So let your wife stay at her parents' place for a couple months or more and do not contact her much in that time. After that, if she comes back and behaves better, then Alhamdulillah. Otherwise divorce and move on. Nothing wrong with divorce when there is no compatibility, respect, and love.
          Last edited by abdulsidd; 29-07-16, 09:52 PM.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Advice - I don't know what to do with my wife

            Subhanallah oh for goodness sake what is wrong with some women that they are never happy and never satisfied?

            Ya Allah.

            Brother I won't tell you to divorce her because it is not my place to do so.

            But I will give you the following pieces of advice

            1) plenty of smug brothers and especially sisters with good marriages where clearly both husband and wife care about each other will come along and shout from their ivory towers how basically it's down to you and how you need to do xyz and it will all be fine. Ignore them.

            2) again from the same category of people you will get those who will blame you for being too nice. Ask yourself my dear brother if a woman who feared Allah and loved you would behave like this with you? Now ask yourself seriously there are so few women left in the world that every single one would abuse your good nature and not treat you how you deserve to be treated? Again ignore those who will blame you.

            3) once you have freed yourself from those who smugly give advice without knowing what it is actually like to live day to day with a demon, ask yourself if you truly have done justice to yourself, to your wife and to your creator. Are you fulfilling your duties, your worship, etc?

            4) go to a learned person who specialises in marriage, if necessary go to several. Tell them your story and find out if THEY believe your wife's behaviour is normal and that of a woman who loves you. Because by Allah there are people on this forum who will make excuses for every single bad behaviour of a woman no matter what, without limits to the extent you will wonder if there are any normal women at all in the world.

            I pray you find peace and tranquillity in your life.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Advice - I don't know what to do with my wife

              By the way please look at the thread where people are talking about wonderful marriages where husband and wife are devoted to each other, treat each other well and love each other.

              Don't get envious, just realise that such marriages do exist and that in order for a marriage to be like this requires effort from both husband and wife

              It seems in your marriage it is you who is putting in all the effort.

              Therefore think about it. You are putting in effort whereas your wife couldn't give a damn. And here are plenty of examples where both husband and wife are putting in effort.

              It means that in this world there are plenty of women who are simply desperate to put in effort and make their husbands happy. Not every woman is a spoilt little brat.

              May Allah ease your pain. Ameen.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Advice - I don't know what to do with my wife

                Finally I really do appreciate all the people who constantly urge everyone to work at their marriage and not give up. What these people need to realise is

                1) it takes effort from both sides

                2) there are plenty of people left in the world. Such experts need to realise that the world will not suffer if a Muslim in a bad marriage decides to divorce and find someone better. It is not the end of the world. They also need to have more respect for people in bad marriages. They too deserve happiness and tranquility, just like everyone else. There are enough good people for everyone. No one will be tainted just because they married a divorcee. A person in a bad marriage is not under some kind of moral obligation to cause his or herself mental
                Illness in the pursuit of trying to hold together a bad marriage while he or she sees thousands of good people around them.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Advice - I don't know what to do with my wife

                  Originally posted by Rami1990 View Post
                  Assalamu alaykom my brothers and sisters,

                  I am posting in these forums to get advice from some of you on my situation and what you think since I want an unbiased opinion on all of this.

                  So I am 32 and my wife is 26. We have been married for 2 years now, and I feel that the last 6 months or so, she is trying her best to leave the house. A year ago she decided to leave to her parents without my permission. I was not very happy and told her not to go to her parents, but she still did it anyway. When she was there, she started telling them everything bad about me and all our personal problems (and I told her not to talk to her parents about them). She is very attached to her parents and has to tell them every personal detail about us. Her parents like to get involved too and keep on interfering with our relationship to try to ''fix'' things, but they are crossing the line and I do not like that.

                  I went and made her come back home, and agreed with her parents that our issues do not go outside the house and that we solve everything on our own, that she cooks and cleans for me, and takes care of me and treats me like a real man. I also told her parents she does not make herself pretty for me at home and she thinks it is not somethign important. Her parents told me it is your right and we will speak to her and change the way she thinks.
                  (1) Try not to dwell on events that happened a year or more ago. It happened, it's over, there's no going back - try to let it go.

                  (2) Why have you forbidden her from seeing her parents? Do you have justified reasons? Do you not have a good relationship with them? If you don't have a good relationship with them, do you want to improve on that relationship?

                  (3) It sounds like you are very frustrated with the fact that she tells her parents about your problems. You mention you told her not to talk to them, but did you do anything more than that? Did you explain why it bothers you? Did you allow her to explain, in return, why she likes to talk to them? My husband doesn't like it when I talk to other people about our problems either. Like you, he prefers that it is only him and myself that sort it out. (My husband and I compromised: I can talk to others about our problems if I absolutely need to, but he does not want to know about it when/if I talk to others. This compromise works for us. Sometimes, what you don't know is not going to kill you.)

                  (4) I think what would be good for you to realize is where she is coming from, mentally and emotionally. Now, I can only speak for myself (and not your wife), but I can imagine she just wants to vent. Everyone needs to vent in one way or another (you're doing it here, right now). Talking to her parents (whom she feels close to) is how she vents. She needs to express emotion and be able to talk freely, no matter what she says, and be received in a positive manner. She needs to be listened to attentively. She needs to feel like she's being heard. She needs to feel like her opinions matter, and her feelings are being validated. I'm sure that her parents are providing this outlet for her.

                  Additionally, you may wonder: "Why is she talking to them and not to me? I can be all that for her!" But it's not the same. Speaking for myself, when I've vented to others about an issue with my husband (instead of venting to my husband) because I feel that I'm too angry or upset. I don't feel like I have full control of my emotions, and I don't want to say anything I'll regret to my husband, so I displace my anger. I give myself the time, space, and venting I need to calm down. And then I go talk to my husband with a clear, rational head, ready to talk to and work out our problems. Your wife may be like this.

                  It sounds like they are her parents are her "safe space", so to speak. They have always been her safe space. If you and your wife are on this bad of terms, it's unlikely that fact will change any time soon. She goes to them when she feels stressed, overwhelmed, worried, when she needs a shoulder to lean on, when she needs someone NOT involved in the situation to talk to. Right now, she may feel like you can't provide that for her.

                  (5) Okay, so you don't like that her parents want to fix every problem you have. That's understandable - I wouldn't either. It's one thing to talk about it, and advise, but another thing to involve the other person and propose a plan of action. No, that's your business. So I understand why it would make you uncomfortable. That being said, I'm sure they are genuinely trying to help. Understand this. Although they are not doing what you wish, it sounds like they're making an effort to help you and your wife to avoid a divorce. I would try to be appreciative of their effort, at the least.

                  Have you told her parents, or told her to tell them, that you would prefer that they not involve you in fixing their problems? Or is it your wife who is coming home and saying, "My parents told us to...." If it's the former, and you haven't talked to her parents about how you feel, you need to tell them that. They need to know they can only offer advice to their daughter and nothing more. They cannot fix what is your issue to solve with your wife. If it's the latter, I would advise her to not tell you what her parents think is best for them. She needs to leave them out of it if her mentioning them is going to irritate you.

                  (6) What's a "real man"?

                  (7) Yes, she should be taking care of you. But you should be taking care of her as well. From reading the rest of your response, she is absolutely miserable. You don't sound too happy yourself either. SOMETHING needs to change. She needs to be pretty for you - It sounds like this one is something you need to reconsider. It may not be her, and she may not want to do it for you because she is so unhappy. You can't have so many expectations for your wife right now, and she can't have so many for you. Right now, you need to focus on working through your problems and making each other happy again. Happiness needs to be your focus.

                  (8) Do you not like intervention, or had a bad experience with counseling, or dependence on others in the past? I'm getting that vibe from you in your post. Let me tell you: it is okay to get help from others if you need it. It is okay to ask for help. Plenty of people need help. You and your wife don't need to solve all your issues yourselves. That doesn't seem to be working. You need some sort of intervention. You both need to take a hard look at yourselves, reflect on what you've done, and reflect on what you want to be.

                  (Posting the following from another thread, but I do feel it will be of use to you and your wife:)

                  Going forward, you need to take steps in your marriage to resolve it. You both need to put in the time, effort, and commitment.

                  Do you feel like you know each other anymore? What are the stressors in both of your lives, and do think those stressors are negatively impacting your relationship? What are your negative traits, and how do you think those traits are negatively impacting your relationships? Do you want to work on getting rid of those negative traits? Are you happy, and why or why not? What would make you happy? Do you trust each other? Are you honest with each other? Do you feel like there's any love left? What initially attracted you to her, both physically and personality-wise, at the start of your marriage? Do you remember the good memories you've had? How well do you think you communicate? Do you think you can work on your communication, and if so, what aspects? What do you need from your spouse? Do you think your spouse is meeting your expectations that you had for a spouse? If not, how can they improve? Do you sincerely want to work on this marriage and revive your relationship again? Are you willing to do anything to fix your marriage? The last 2 questions I pose are the most important in determining the outcome of your marriage.

                  You need to ask yourself, and her, all of the above questions. Once you've done that and established where you both are standing in your marriage, you can proceed.

                  You both need to go to marital counseling (this is a step you need to take together). You're at the point in your marriage where you need an objective outsider, and professional help and exercises to fix your marriage. The advice on this forum is not going to help much. You need to talk to a professional counselor (and you need to see that counselor as long as they deem it appropriate - you can't simply go once and expect all your problems will go away. You need to commit to the sessions and commit to change as long as the counselor deems you need to go).

                  Originally posted by Rami1990 View Post
                  Everytime they talk to her, she comes back home...changes for a week, then goes back to her old self but becomes worst at it. it's as if she regrets being with me and wants to make me live in a dramatic world. She is never happy, always grumpy, complianing about everything, never satisfied and always wants to fight and bring me down when I'm either happy, or sad. Ever since I got married to this girl I did not feel happy (except for maybe soem days)...we are just ALWAYS fighting (for the stupidest things because she is just never happy)
                  If this issue has been going on for a while, I'm surprised you're just speaking out about it now. If you were never happy, that's a problem. Have you ever tried sincerely talked out and tried to resolve your issues?

                  Originally posted by Rami1990 View Post
                  I am doing my best to make it work, but she does not seem like she is happy with me. I even asked her last week if she is happy being with me, and she couldn't answer me in my face. Then she started bringing up problems from 2 years ago (things that I do not do anymore and things that are very immature and childish). Then she starts telling me that she does not want to live with me, she keeps telling me I am not a real man, she keeps telling me that I don't make her happy, that I don't love her. While me, I am doing my best always to get better and I always change the little things she tells me that she doesn't like. But lately she ran out of things that she doesn't like so she brings back old things that I changed.
                  That's odd. As a general rule, I believe spouses shouldn't bring up any topics that have occurred months ago, let alone years. Why? Because people change all the time. Something that happened months or years ago may no longer apply to the person or situation, so it's irrelevant to bring it up. At such a point, the topic needs to be let go.

                  Do you think she struggles with communicating to you her thoughts, how she really feels? She absolutely needs to let you know when there is something that bothers her. She needs to let you know immediately. Unfortunately, there is a lot she is bottling up. Clearly, there is more going on here. She either doesn't want to tell you - for whatever reason - or thinks it's so obvious that you should know by now and she has no need to tell you. Either way, you need to figure it out. I can speculate, though, that she is simply really miserable.

                  Do you know what love languages are? A "love language" is how we show or receive love from our spouses. Everyone shows love differently, and everyone needs to receive love differently. Do you know what you need to feel loved? Do you know what she needs to feel loved? Read more here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ It might save your marriage.

                  Originally posted by Rami1990 View Post
                  But when I ask her to do the primary things for me, such as cook for me (she very rarely cooks), clean for me (she cleans maybe once a month), take care of me in bed (in the last 3 months we probably slept together maybe 3 times and she punishes me by not sleeping with me - always telling me she is tired and always coming up with excuses or goign to sleep early). I told her listen...I don't care about any of those stuff...the only thign I want is to make you happy...and yet she is not...I do not know what to do anymore since nothing is pleasing her. I am being sweet, buying her flowers and suprising her with gifts, always complimenting her, and I want to sleep with her, but I keep feeling as if she doesn't like it, so I kind of stopped asking her if I feel she is not in the mood (even though I am). She keeps telling me that the problem is me in bed and it's not her.
                  Again,I direct you to the love languages link above. Receiving gifts is only ONE of the FIVE love languages. It doesn't sound like it's hers. It's not working, so stop doing it and ask her what she likes (or guess and test it out by looking at that webpage). You both need to know how to show love to each other. You need to "speak" in each other's language.

                  About your problems in bed. You need to talk about it. If you are physically incompatible right now, you need to talk about what you both want in that aspect of your marriage. She cannot simply say that the problem is yours and leave it at that. She needs to elaborate. What, exactly, are you doing wrong? What gets you in the mood? What gets her in the mood? Does she want more time with you? Does she want less? In terms of specifics, what would she like to do more or less of? She needs to let you know. And she needs to ask you the same questions. Otherwise, you're in the dark. She needs to know that you cannot read her mind. Likewise, you cannot read hers. Please, please, you and your wife need to start communicating. Otherwise this marriage is going to fail.

                  She SHOULD be cooking and cleaning for you though. She needs to put in the effort too. If she's a very emotional person who needs love and affection, it makes sense why she would put off from doing these activities, though. But still. She NEEDS to try.

                  Originally posted by Rami1990 View Post
                  So again...we fought and I decided to speak to her mother with her because she is just too different with me, she is not the same person I got married to. So I tell her mom everything she is doing to me, and tell her that your daughter still does not clean, cook, or even want to sleep with me. I told her that the things you asked me to changed have been changed, and I am a far better man that what I was 2 years ago, but your daughter is still the same and she is getting worst even though you talk to her every 2 months to straighten things out.
                  Hold on... You were upset earlier in your post that she was telling her parents your personal problems, and telling her parents that your issues should not go out of the home... And then you do the same thing? Please explain this for me. How is this any different from what she did?

                  Originally posted by Rami1990 View Post
                  Then the mother tells me something very personal that my wife did to me (once she was naked next to me on the bed, but before that we faught for a full week and then I did not have intercourse with her - because she really upsets me and I did not feel she wanted to anyway...she did not look happy and the time was very late anyway) so her mom told me that she asked her son...and that her son told her that a guy who does that is either sleeping with another woman, or he has emptied himself before (basically stating that I am either cheating on her or that I am not a man). I told her listen I do not like when you guys get involved in my personal issues, and told her that we had a big fight for the week before and that your daughter only sleeps with me when she wants to, otherwise there is nothing. I told her the next week she did not sleep with me once, or even ask me, and when I tell her she says she is not obliged to - I do not want to get into the details too much.
                  (1) Your wife should not be disclosing that kind of private and intimate information with her parents. Physical intimacy should not be discussed with parents. I can't imagine anything more awkward, to be honest. If your wife wants to vent, fine. We all need to. But this is different. This is extremely private information. She should not disclose this to her parents of all people, only for the information to come back to you... You should also not tell her parents or your parents anything about that aspect of your marriage.

                  Parents are not professional counselors. Her parents are not qualified to help you with these kinds of marital problems. You need to talk to someone who is a professional in the field and has the experience and credentials to get the help you need. See what I wrote above on getting martial counseling.

                  (2) Maybe the bolded part is the issue? Do you think your wife thinks you're cheating? Have you ever discussed infidelity before? If not, please talk to her about it. If she really thinks this is what is going on, you need to clarify for her, and then go from there.

                  (3) As you are upset about her parents trying to fix your problems, you need to stop giving them information. You are enabling them by telling them more details of the problems going on with your wife. Your mother-in-law likely thinks that because you're telling her all this information, you still want her help. So she's going to continue trying to help you in your marriage as long as you keep telling her that there are problems.

                  Originally posted by Rami1990 View Post
                  I also told her mom that I just want your daughter to be happy, but I don't know how. I am doing everything, paying for everything, making her travel around the world, treat her like a queen and your daughter is treating me like crap. She obviously took her daughter's side infront of her, but when her daughter left to her room she was taking my side.
                  She needs to pick a side. The thing about communication and working through problems is that you need to admit when you're wrong. If they don't see where they're wrong, you need to help them see and understand, if possible. Your mother-in-law is not helping the situation by not saying what she really feels. She's not helping her daughter to see that she is wrong. Blame is rarely completely one-sided.

                  Originally posted by Rami1990 View Post
                  The mother said to leave the daughter here, because she was yelling, screaming at me, calling me a liar, and teling me that she doesn't love me and want to live with a guy like me. I told her mom look at your daughter and how she treats me, she embarrases me and always yells like that at home and this is the third time she wants to leave the house. I never told her to leave and she is always insulting me infront of her parents by telling them every little personal detail about me...I mean they even try to tell me how to sleep with their daughter...and I find that disgusting.
                  (1) You also told her mother personal details about her. I pointed that out in the above. If you want her to not tell extremely personal details about you, then you need to talk about it and at least you need to not tell anyone personal details about her in return. It's only fair. It works both ways.

                  (2) Do you find someone yelling at you embarrassing? You shouldn't be embarrassed. Everyone has anger. Everyone deals with anger in different ways. You can't expect your wife not to be angry once and a while. But I will admit, she can't just scream and yell at you. That's not fair to you. You need to stand up for yourself. Don't just take it. And your mother-in-law shouldn't simply take it, either, honestly, ESPECIALLY if she's standing up for you when her daughter isn't in the room.

                  You shouldn't feel insulted by her telling details about your relationship either... It's what women need to do sometimes. I explained all this above, why she might be doing this. I'm not sure she's doing it for malicious intent. I would have doubted it originally, but after reading all this, now I'm not so sure. I, for one, do not share details about a problem with my husband trying to hurt him. That is not my intent.

                  Originally posted by Rami1990 View Post
                  So she stayed at her moms...and the next day her mom called me to tell me that her daughter came to my place and took some clothes for work. But when I went back home, she took EVERYTHING that was hers...like EVERYTHING, even her winter jackets and boots and we're in mid summer.

                  And I did not hear from them since.
                  How long has it been since you've heard from them?

                  Reach out to her, if you want to make it work. If you decide to give each other a second chance, great. I really hope you can think about what I've said here and reflect on it and put it to good use.

                  In the future - She cannot walk out. You cannot walk out. You cannot leave each other. A husband and a wife should never go to bed angry. You will never sort out your issues if one of you is constantly trying to run away from your problems, instead of solving them. She needs to take a good, hard look at herself and her actions.

                  Originally posted by Rami1990 View Post
                  She embarrases me all the time, is very vulgar with me, disobeys me when I tell her not to leave the house, and I never hit her or anything bad. We may have had arguments but they are normal couple arguments, and most of the time they are initiated by her because I don't like to talk about her home country or vacation, or because I tell her I don't like SUV cars...I mean come on...silly things...and to her it's valid reasons to leave me and make me live in a dramatic world where I cannot enjoy my time or be happy at home.

                  Anwyays...What should I do? Knowing that she left me (not the first time), and all she does is to make me angry and then tell me I don't do anything. Telling me and disrespecting me infront of her parents that I am not a man. Telling me everytime we fight that she does not want to be with me. I cannot satisfy this girl and it's not like I am having a great time married to her.

                  She is the one that is never satisfies and her parents always liek to get involved in our problems even though I told them to not get involved. But to the parents...it's a VERY normal thing to get involved.

                  I love the girl, but the way she has embarrased me over those 2 years turn me off alot. to be honest, my love is fading for her and it is turning into anger. I don't know if she will ever change because she has only gotten worst in the last 2 years ever since we got married, where me I am doing my best to be the perfect husband, and yet I am the one accused of being the bad guy.

                  Sorry for the long post, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.

                  I don't know how to make it work and I do not think she wants to change. Should I divorce her and end this?
                  Here's what I will leave you with, a reminder:

                  Going forward, you need to take steps in your marriage to resolve it. You both need to put in the time, effort, and commitment.

                  You BOTH need to learn how to communicate. To me, it sounds like both you and your wife don't know how to communicate effectively. And that's a marriage's greatest downfall. If you don't know how to communicate, you need to learn how to. Take a class. Ask her more questions, listen to her, reflect on your conversations, and be thoughtful in the responses you say to her. But stand up for yourself too. Don't be a passive communicator. If she is saying or doing something you don't like and you really feel is wrong, you need to communicate that. You need to be firm and let her know what is it that is really bothering you. Also, please read up on something called "I" statements or "I" messages. Please read here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/i-message Using these statements will help you communicate better, hopefully. But you both need to learn and reform and put in the effort, as I said above.

                  Do you feel like you know each other anymore? What are the stressors in both of your lives, and do think those stressors are negatively impacting your relationship? What are your negative traits, and how do you think those traits are negatively impacting your relationships? Do you want to work on getting rid of those negative traits? Are you happy, and why or why not? What would make you happy? Do you trust each other? Are you honest with each other? Do you feel like there's any love left? What initially attracted you to her, both physically and personality-wise, at the start of your marriage? Do you remember the good memories you've had? How well do you think you communicate? Do you think you can work on your communication, and if so, what aspects? What do you need from your spouse? Do you think your spouse is meeting your expectations that you had for a spouse? If not, how can they improve? Do you sincerely want to work on this marriage and revive your relationship again? Are you willing to do anything to fix your marriage? The last 2 questions I pose are the most important in determining the outcome of your marriage.

                  You need to ask yourself, and her, all of the above questions. Once you've done that and established where you both are standing in your marriage, you can proceed.

                  You both need to go to marital counseling (this is a step you need to take together). You're at the point in your marriage where you need an objective outsider, and professional help and exercises to fix your marriage. The advice on this forum is not going to help much. You need to talk to a professional counselor (and you need to see that counselor as long as they deem it appropriate - you can't simply go once and expect all your problems will go away. You need to commit to the sessions and commit to change as long as the counselor deems you need to go).

                  Good luck. I really hope you and your wife can sort this out.
                  Last edited by Comrox; 30-07-16, 12:43 AM.

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                  • #10
                    Re: Advice - I don't know what to do with my wife

                    Originally posted by slaveuk View Post
                    Finally I really do appreciate all the people who constantly urge everyone to work at their marriage and not give up. What these people need to realise is

                    1) it takes effort from both sides

                    2) there are plenty of people left in the world. Such experts need to realise that the world will not suffer if a Muslim in a bad marriage decides to divorce and find someone better. It is not the end of the world. They also need to have more respect for people in bad marriages. They too deserve happiness and tranquility, just like everyone else. There are enough good people for everyone. No one will be tainted just because they married a divorcee. A person in a bad marriage is not under some kind of moral obligation to cause his or herself mental
                    Illness in the pursuit of trying to hold together a bad marriage while he or she sees thousands of good people around them.
                    I don't know if this is a usual occurrence here and thus you're referring to that. I've not been around much for a while, however I hope the OP does take note of your post.

                    Divorces aren't the taboo they've been made out to be in many generations. The Sahaaba RA practised divorce as a legitimate solution to strife in marriages. At the end of the day, it is the specific people in a marriage that know whether they can continue in this state or not; this Brother is in a good situation in that he doesn't seem to have kids and thus the continued impact on his life is less compared to if he had kids on top of this. The perpetuation of a stressful situation is never a good idea for anyone's health and everyone has the right to take action against that.

                    The general advice would be: If you think it is resolvable and you're both willing to give it a real shot, try to salvage it. If not, don't - cut your losses and move on. It's really that simple when it comes down to it, but unless the brother has only come here stating that he wants someone else to make his decision for him, he's going to get people replying with advice rather than a 'divorce' or don't response.
                    Ya Muqallib al-Quloob, thabbit qalbi 'alaa Deenik
                    O' Converter of Hearts, make my heart steadfast upon Thy Way
                    We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.

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                    • #11
                      Re: Advice - I don't know what to do with my wife

                      Originally posted by slaveuk View Post
                      Finally I really do appreciate all the people who constantly urge everyone to work at their marriage and not give up. What these people need to realise is

                      1) it takes effort from both sides

                      2) there are plenty of people left in the world. Such experts need to realise that the world will not suffer if a Muslim in a bad marriage decides to divorce and find someone better. It is not the end of the world. They also need to have more respect for people in bad marriages. They too deserve happiness and tranquility, just like everyone else. There are enough good people for everyone. No one will be tainted just because they married a divorcee. A person in a bad marriage is not under some kind of moral obligation to cause his or herself mental
                      Illness in the pursuit of trying to hold together a bad marriage while he or she sees thousands of good people around them.
                      Of course it takes effort from both sides. Honestly, it sounds like the wife has left already and she is completely done. I'm doubting that OP will be able to get her back.

                      Of course divorce is not the end of the world. But I hold marriage to a very high regard. I don't think people should give up, especially when I see room for improvement. I feel an obligation to write my thoughts. At least maybe I can help people see something about themselves or other people that they're not seeing so clearly.

                      If OP wants a divorce and truly sees no other way out, then he can do that. That's fine. That's his choice. But OP asked for advice. He wanted an unbiased opinion. That's what I try to give when I see someone in need whom I think I can help. People can take the advice or scroll past it. That's also their choice.

                      If the advice written here doesn't help them in their current marriage, I would hope it can help them in their second.
                      Last edited by Comrox; 30-07-16, 01:18 AM.

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                      • #12
                        Re: Advice - I don't know what to do with my wife

                        You came here for an objective view of your situation. What I'm hearing is this:

                        "She's immature, childish. She's required to cook and clean for me. She has to have sex with me. She can't leave the house." To be completely frank, I wouldn't want to be married to you, either. You treat her like an object. Newsflash for you: Islamically, she doesn't have to cook for you. If you want her to want you, start treating her like a human, not an object, and maybe she will come around. I don't care if you buy her flowers or whatever. Women can see right through that act. It's not genuine. She wants to be loved. I certainly hope you aren't just jumping on her in bed and leaving her there with nothing much, because that's torture. Forget about her parents for now. She has nobody to turn to. You don't respect her as an equal. She feels safe there. Your job is to start treating her with respect and then maybe, just maybe she will become interested in you again. But I don't blame her one bit. Love is not a noun, it's a verb. Get it together.

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                        • #13
                          Re: Advice - I don't know what to do with my wife

                          One thing I forgot to add:

                          Originally posted by Rami1990 View Post
                          We may have had arguments but they are normal couple arguments, and most of the time they are initiated by her because I don't like to talk about her home country or vacation, or because I tell her I don't like SUV cars...I mean come on...silly things...and to her it's valid reasons to leave me
                          I feel like more information is needed on the above.

                          (1) Why don't you like to talk about her home country? What's so bad about it? How often does she bring the topic up?

                          (2) You don't like to talk about vacation? You mean you don't like to talk about going on vacations, or you don't like to talk about what she's done on vacations?

                          (3) You don't like to talk about SUV cars? Okay. Why does she want to talk about SUV cars? How is that even a topic?

                          So, additional questions - Were these topics only brought up once and then your wife has held a grudge against you for not wanting to talk about them? If so - That's ridiculous. You can't be expected to remember that and have arguments start over something so minor. Or, are these topics that are brought up regularly?

                          If they're brought up regularly - This is a more complex issue. I can see why it would really annoy you if she's nagging you all the time about not wanting to talk about these topics. On the other hand, this behavior could be a sign of a deeper problem - By not wanting to talk about these things, she may feel that you don't care about her interests and her life. Therefore she would conclude that you don't care about her. She could have been looking for some sign in repeatedly bringing up topics, holding out for a small hope that eventually, you would want to talk about one of the topics or ask her more questions about it. She could have been hoping that you would show interest. To you, this may not seem like much, but to a woman - It can mean a lot. (This paragraph is total speculation.)

                          Has she ever tried to bring up another topic and gotten a different response? What interests do you have in common? Even still, if she's found something that gives a different or better response, she really shouldn't bring up topics in which you don't care about at all. It's okay to have differences as a couple. She should focus on the other topics she's brought up with you if you've reacted more positively. If she hasn't brought up any more topics, she needs to think of something else that you both can relate to. Relating to your partner (to some degree) is important. You don't want to grow apart, and having some common interests can help with preventing that. (IMO, if you don't have many interests in common, you should try to go out and go on dates, do activities together, etc. Keep married life fun).

                          Did you ever try to talk to her about topics or activities that you enjoy (that perhaps she doesn't)? How were her responses?
                          Last edited by Comrox; 30-07-16, 04:24 AM.

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                          • #14
                            Re: Advice - I don't know what to do with my wife

                            Just gonna tell you to avoid any possible feminist advise - better do the opposite.
                            You think you know more than my scholar's qiyās? He was more learned than you and all other scholars combined. Yeah, the devil was the greatest scholar too and look where his qiyās of fire being better than tīn got him. Sorry.

                            You follow your scholar's qiyās, and I will follow the Qur'ān and Sunnah.

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                            • #15
                              Re: Advice - I don't know what to do with my wife

                              :salams

                              You can't ask for an unbiased opinion when we only know one side of the story. It's not fair on her, as shes not here to defend herself against this.

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