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Why are so many good Muslim brothers having a hard time getting married.

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  • Why are so many good Muslim brothers having a hard time getting married.

    I am talking about Muslim brothers with good akhlaq, stable careers, their own place, cars, and knowledge of the deen who go years searching and getting rejected by every potential whether because they were not 'good enough' or the Mahr was unreasonably high or some other issue. Meanwhile you hear these stories and accounts of Salafi reverts from criminal backgrounds who can't seem to even get stable employment paying minimum wage, no car, no house or flat, and still hear them marrying 4 different sisters and abusing and divorcing them and marrying other sisters to the point it is known as the "salafi marriage bandits" phenomenon. What is going on here?

  • #2
    Re: Why are so many good Muslim brothers having a hard time getting married.

    Originally posted by MuslimRF View Post
    I am talking about Muslim brothers with good akhlaq, stable careers, their own place, cars, and knowledge of the deen who go years searching and getting rejected by every potential whether because they were not 'good enough' or the Mahr was unreasonably high or some other issue. Meanwhile you hear these stories and accounts of Salafi reverts from criminal backgrounds who can't seem to even get stable employment paying minimum wage, no car, no house or flat, and still hear them marrying 4 different sisters and abusing and divorcing them and marrying other sisters to the point it is known as the "salafi marriage bandits" phenomenon. What is going on here?
    It's Allah's plan :)

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Why are so many good Muslim brothers having a hard time getting married.

      Originally posted by MuslimRF View Post
      I am talking about Muslim brothers with good akhlaq, stable careers, their own place, cars, and knowledge of the deen who go years searching and getting rejected by every potential whether because they were not 'good enough' or the Mahr was unreasonably high or some other issue. Meanwhile you hear these stories and accounts of Salafi reverts from criminal backgrounds who can't seem to even get stable employment paying minimum wage, no car, no house or flat, and still hear them marrying 4 different sisters and abusing and divorcing them and marrying other sisters to the point it is known as the "salafi marriage bandits" phenomenon. What is going on here?
      What is up with the endless salafi revert bashing on here...if they were criminals in jahiliyah and Islam gave them honor, may Allah bless them for that...That marriage bandit phenomenon is definitely a real thing but it is blown out of proportion by backbiting sisters
      وَمَا قَدَرُوا اللَّهَ حَقَّ قَدْرِهِ وَالْأَرْضُ جَمِيعًا قَبْضَتُهُ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ وَالسَّمَاوَاتُ مَطْوِيَّاتٌ بِيَمِينِهِ ۚ سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ عَمَّا يُشْرِكُونَ
      They have not appraised Allah with true appraisal, while the earth entirely will be [within] His grip on the Day of Resurrection, and the heavens will be folded in His right hand. Exalted is He and high above what they associate with Him. (Az-Zumar: 67)

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      • #4
        Re: Why are so many good Muslim brothers having a hard time getting married.

        Originally posted by MuslimRF View Post
        I am talking about Muslim brothers with good akhlaq, stable careers, their own place, cars, and knowledge of the deen who go years searching and getting rejected by every potential whether because they were not 'good enough' or the Mahr was unreasonably high or some other issue. Meanwhile you hear these stories and accounts of Salafi reverts from criminal backgrounds who can't seem to even get stable employment paying minimum wage, no car, no house or flat, and still hear them marrying 4 different sisters and abusing and divorcing them and marrying other sisters to the point it is known as the "salafi marriage bandits" phenomenon. What is going on here?
        I don't know...I have no experience of either...
        Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Why are so many good Muslim brothers having a hard time getting married.

          Originally posted by MuslimRF View Post
          I am talking about Muslim brothers with good akhlaq, stable careers, their own place, cars, and knowledge of the deen who go years searching and getting rejected by every potential whether because they were not 'good enough' or the Mahr was unreasonably high or some other issue. Meanwhile you hear these stories and accounts of Salafi reverts from criminal backgrounds who can't seem to even get stable employment paying minimum wage, no car, no house or flat, and still hear them marrying 4 different sisters and abusing and divorcing them and marrying other sisters to the point it is known as the "salafi marriage bandits" phenomenon. What is going on here?
          And sisters complain of the same, perhaps the two groups both need to get together and lower their standards a tiny weeny bit to make it easier?

          also, would add. Marriage bandits is not just a salafi issue, or a revert brothers issue. There are people in every group behaving this way, reducing it to one group you hear stories about means sisters and their guardians are not on their guard if looking elsewhere which they do need to be in this day and age.
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          • #6
            Re: Why are so many good Muslim brothers having a hard time getting married.

            Way to go slandering reverts
            Next time don't generalise people into one category it's dhulm. Subhanallah brother I have known reverts with criminal past who have completely turned their lives around. Who do you think you are to judge people for something Allah has already forgiven
            We didn't have the luxury of being born in a Muslim family and have the truth handed to us on a platter. Some of us had to go through blood sweat and tears to find this Deen only to have majority of the people in our lives reject us for doing so
            Next time don't be so judgemental perhaps those you mock and scorn could be worth more in the sight of Allah than you. And no I'm not married but inshaallah when I do, I will do my utmost to care for and protect her and look out for her. Any other way would be a dishonor
            May Allah guide us all
            -a salafi revert
            The sunnah is like the ark of Noah, whoever embarks upon it reaches salvation and whoever refuses is drowned.
            ~ Imam Malik (may Allah have mercy on him)

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Why are so many good Muslim brothers having a hard time getting married.

              well for guys the standards are very high, at least in the US. girls and their family are super picky. first u need a degree, then certain years of experience, u should have a good degree like phd or engineering. then have money, house, car, money for a good wedding. its treated more like a contract so girls is like im educated, work and have my money so why do i need u. what do u offer. and not treat u like a human. this is why more men are going back "home" to get married. they dont want that type of western wife whose always on their case and makes them feel inferior like the west has taught them. in the end its the girls loss because she lost a good practicing muslim brother.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Why are so many good Muslim brothers having a hard time getting married.

                Originally posted by Abd al-Rahman View Post
                blown out of proportion by backbiting sisters
                I think the issue regarding marriage bandits is the deafening silence of brothers in a position of authority, the refusal of learned people to speak up about it which is the main issue.

                Hence you have sisters who need to raise this aggressively and loudly for anyone to take notice.

                I think even one case is one case too many. I'm not sure it is an issue that has been blown out of proportion.

                The OP was simply highlighting the disparity in how these brothers seem to get married easily, even on a serial basis whereas most normal decent brothers find it hard.

                I would say to the OP.... The difference in someone like you and a salafi marriage bandit is that you are probably going through the usual cultural process in which there is heavy family involvement from both sides. Hence families tend to have high standards as well as high mahr demands.

                Whereas with reverts and say the hardcore salafi community you have reverts who are more independent, don't have families acting as gatekeepers and have less material demands and hence it is easier for these like minded people to get married.

                You basically have two extremes.

                I would also like to add that I have heard of a number of cases where brothers go to the homes of potential sisters and they lack even the basic common sense. So they know the background and culture of the family and yet will insist on going dressed in a thobe with an unkempt beard etc. Additionally these brothers only know of sitting on the floor to eat, don't know how to make conversation and small talk (yes this matters to people) and end up looking at the ceiling or at their phones and have nothing meaningful to say. And then they wonder why the fathers of girls say no.

                So I would say it is a number of factors. I would advise brothers finding it hard to seek advice of brothers who are married and get a wide range of opinions and also be humble enough to firstly accept that they may be doing something wrong and secondly accept that sometimes you need to "play the game" a little so that means showing an interest in things outside islamic topics and being able to hold a cultured conversation.

                Above all make plenty of dua.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Why are so many good Muslim brothers having a hard time getting married.

                  Where are the walis of these sisters who are marrying the bandits?
                  Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Why are so many good Muslim brothers having a hard time getting married.

                    Originally posted by eesa the kiwi View Post
                    Way to go slandering reverts
                    Next time don't generalise people into one category it's dhulm. Subhanallah brother I have known reverts with criminal past who have completely turned their lives around. Who do you think you are to judge people for something Allah has already forgiven
                    We didn't have the luxury of being born in a Muslim family and have the truth handed to us on a platter. Some of us had to go through blood sweat and tears to find this Deen only to have majority of the people in our lives reject us for doing so
                    Next time don't be so judgemental perhaps those you mock and scorn could be worth more in the sight of Allah than you. And no I'm not married but inshaallah when I do, I will do my utmost to care for and protect her and look out for her. Any other way would be a dishonor
                    May Allah guide us all
                    -a salafi revert
                    Wallahi I don't know why OP has chosen to ignorantly flop his tongue about millions of Muslim people, but he is only harming himself as his good deeds leave him
                    وَمَا قَدَرُوا اللَّهَ حَقَّ قَدْرِهِ وَالْأَرْضُ جَمِيعًا قَبْضَتُهُ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ وَالسَّمَاوَاتُ مَطْوِيَّاتٌ بِيَمِينِهِ ۚ سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ عَمَّا يُشْرِكُونَ
                    They have not appraised Allah with true appraisal, while the earth entirely will be [within] His grip on the Day of Resurrection, and the heavens will be folded in His right hand. Exalted is He and high above what they associate with Him. (Az-Zumar: 67)

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Why are so many good Muslim brothers having a hard time getting married.

                      Originally posted by slaveuk View Post
                      I think the issue regarding marriage bandits is the deafening silence of brothers in a position of authority, the refusal of learned people to speak up about it which is the main issue.

                      Hence you have sisters who need to raise this aggressively and loudly for anyone to take notice.

                      I think even one case is one case too many. I'm not sure it is an issue that has been blown out of proportion.

                      The OP was simply highlighting the disparity in how these brothers seem to get married easily, even on a serial basis whereas most normal decent brothers find it hard.

                      I would say to the OP.... The difference in someone like you and a salafi marriage bandit is that you are probably going through the usual cultural process in which there is heavy family involvement from both sides. Hence families tend to have high standards as well as high mahr demands.

                      Whereas with reverts and say the hardcore salafi community you have reverts who are more independent, don't have families acting as gatekeepers and have less material demands and hence it is easier for these like minded people to get married.

                      You basically have two extremes.

                      I would also like to add that I have heard of a number of cases where brothers go to the homes of potential sisters and they lack even the basic common sense. So they know the background and culture of the family and yet will insist on going dressed in a thobe with an unkempt beard etc. Additionally these brothers only know of sitting on the floor to eat, don't know how to make conversation and small talk (yes this matters to people) and end up looking at the ceiling or at their phones and have nothing meaningful to say. And then they wonder why the fathers of girls say no.

                      So I would say it is a number of factors. I would advise brothers finding it hard to seek advice of brothers who are married and get a wide range of opinions and also be humble enough to firstly accept that they may be doing something wrong and secondly accept that sometimes you need to "play the game" a little so that means showing an interest in things outside islamic topics and being able to hold a cultured conversation.

                      Above all make plenty of dua.
                      Eh...I have seen some of these sites and blogs and it is a bunch of sisters throwing out names and allegations with absolutely no evidence, not even enough to accuse someone in a kafir court, much less an Islamic one.

                      I think if a brother refuses to go through stringent marriage counseling before choosing to end it with his wife, and the wife didn't make any of the major sins, nor is outright refusing to do her duties as a wife, the imam should refuse to marry him again, and marriages lasting three months or less should have exceptional scrutiny paid to them to determine if the husband is one of these people.

                      Asking for these reforms, instead of throwing out names and allegations will be much more effective
                      وَمَا قَدَرُوا اللَّهَ حَقَّ قَدْرِهِ وَالْأَرْضُ جَمِيعًا قَبْضَتُهُ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ وَالسَّمَاوَاتُ مَطْوِيَّاتٌ بِيَمِينِهِ ۚ سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ عَمَّا يُشْرِكُونَ
                      They have not appraised Allah with true appraisal, while the earth entirely will be [within] His grip on the Day of Resurrection, and the heavens will be folded in His right hand. Exalted is He and high above what they associate with Him. (Az-Zumar: 67)

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Why are so many good Muslim brothers having a hard time getting married.

                        Originally posted by shay5 View Post
                        Where are the walis of these sisters who are marrying the bandits?
                        In many cases they don't have a wali, or the wali is negligent, but most often these sorts of men ignore the position of the wali and talk directly to the woman, drawing her into an emotional attachment so she can work on her parents herself, or sometimes even declaring the wali a heretic or innovator, or a sinful person so removing them as wali unjustly with one of their imam friends ready to step in as wali in their place.
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                        • #13
                          Re: Why are so many good Muslim brothers having a hard time getting married.

                          I am not slandering anyone as I am not speaking about anyone in particular so these accusations need to be withdrawn. Of course there are good salafi revert brothers and I am sure this marriage bandit phenomenon is also practiced by born Muslims, but when even scholars like Shaykh Haitham al-Haddad who himself is a Salafi speaks on this matter and acknowledges it is real then certainly something is up. Only the Madkhalis dismiss it and retort with the common "Fear Allah you have no evidence!" despite this coming from the lips of a man who has married and divorced more than 30 women.

                          But yeah, maybe it was in poor taste and I apologize if I offended anyone. I am just tired of seeing articles written of so called shortages of good Muslim brothers and condemning them for marrying from back home. There is definitely no shortage.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Why are so many good Muslim brothers having a hard time getting married.

                            Originally posted by MuslimRF View Post
                            But yeah, maybe it was in poor taste and I apologize if I offended anyone. I am just tired of seeing articles written of so called shortages of good Muslim brothers and condemning them for marrying from back home. There is definitely no shortage.
                            One brother showed me some of the marriage profiles of sisters looking for marriage from a more reputable marriage website, almost without fail every sister puts 'likes to travel' or 'wants to tour the world' or some other such item on her character, as if brothers at the beginning of their careers can afford to travel every year?!?!

                            But likewise brothers who are often not top of the range themselves have criteria which are just not realistic.

                            "I want someone from my ethnicity, but pale, light skin, oval face, but european features, intelligent and educated but cannot be more educated or intelligent than myself, articulate but nottoo pushy or independent, into her deen but not so much that she wont attend cultural celebrations with my family or question our cultures customs, and despite devoting a large part of her life to education, career and deen she must also cook and clean as good as my mum... oh yeah and she must do all of this and before she is 25 as if she's older than that I'm not interested."
                            FOLLOW THE NEW BLOG - GINGERBEARDMAN - Muslim, father, husband, writer, defender of ginger rights!

                            www.facebook.com/outreach4Islam - Outreach4Islam have been working together in Leicester, calling the not yet Muslims to Islam since 2006.

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                            • #15
                              Re: Why are so many good Muslim brothers having a hard time getting married.

                              Plenty of fish in the sea. Dont be too bitter. Could be because they find him attractive.

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