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  • How to deal with thoughts of being a failure/reject

    Lately I've been down about my whole situation. I feel rejected because i did so much for her and yet she threw it all away for some stranger after nikah. i sometimes am critical about myself and wonder what it was about me that made her do that (my personality, my looks, etc). i also feel very rejected. its not a good feeling when someone u care for so much just treats u like ur nobody. and on top of that i feel like a failure because my marriage didnt work and even my mom told me that she had no worries from me because she knew i wasnt those type of guys and she knew i would take care of my wife so she was really shocked when it all happened. i just dont understand why when u do something right, something wrong still happens. i was mad at allah swt for a little bit but alhamdulliah i didnt steer away and do something wrong and stuck to prayers, fasting etc. i just feel like a reject, failure and was wondering if someone else has gone through this and how they deal with these thoughts. i just feel down and not excited to do anything lately. this was my first relationship so this is all new...

  • #2
    Re: How to deal with thoughts of being a failure/reject

    Originally posted by hassaan561 View Post
    Lately I've been down about my whole situation. I feel rejected because i did so much for her and yet she threw it all away for some stranger after nikah. i sometimes am critical about myself and wonder what it was about me that made her do that (my personality, my looks, etc). i also feel very rejected. its not a good feeling when someone u care for so much just treats u like ur nobody. and on top of that i feel like a failure because my marriage didnt work and even my mom told me that she had no worries from me because she knew i wasnt those type of guys and she knew i would take care of my wife so she was really shocked when it all happened. i just dont understand why when u do something right, something wrong still happens. i was mad at allah swt for a little bit but alhamdulliah i didnt steer away and do something wrong and stuck to prayers, fasting etc. i just feel like a reject, failure and was wondering if someone else has gone through this and how they deal with these thoughts. i just feel down and not excited to do anything lately. this was my first relationship so this is all new...
    Allah swt has something better in store for you. I have no idea how you're feeling but stay strong :insha: I'll dua for you
    Last edited by Cptn._.Mario; 30-06-16, 11:25 AM.

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    • #3
      Re: How to deal with thoughts of being a failure/reject

      Originally posted by hassaan561 View Post
      Lately I've been down about my whole situation. I feel rejected because i did so much for her and yet she threw it all away for some stranger after nikah. i sometimes am critical about myself and wonder what it was about me that made her do that (my personality, my looks, etc). i also feel very rejected. its not a good feeling when someone u care for so much just treats u like ur nobody. and on top of that i feel like a failure because my marriage didnt work and even my mom told me that she had no worries from me because she knew i wasnt those type of guys and she knew i would take care of my wife so she was really shocked when it all happened. i just dont understand why when u do something right, something wrong still happens. i was mad at allah swt for a little bit but alhamdulliah i didnt steer away and do something wrong and stuck to prayers, fasting etc. i just feel like a reject, failure and was wondering if someone else has gone through this and how they deal with these thoughts. i just feel down and not excited to do anything lately. this was my first relationship so this is all new...
      I have been rejected a million times. It does hurt. But marriage is worth desiring and the loss of it is worthy of sadness. Be sad, then look for someone else.

      But how can you feel sad about her if she did something like that to you? It should be easier to get over someone who did you wrong. Do you want that kind of person back in your life?

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: How to deal with thoughts of being a failure/reject

        Originally posted by bismillaah View Post
        I have been rejected a million times. It does hurt. But marriage is worth desiring and the loss of it is worthy of sadness. Be sad, then look for someone else.

        But how can you feel sad about her if she did something like that to you? It should be easier to get over someone who did you wrong. Do you want that kind of person back in your life?
        maybe being reject from ur spouse hurts more than say a friend or a potential because they're that much closer. i dont know why but i dont hate her even though she did something that horrible. that tells me i genuinely did like her so it hurts more and it was my first time. i always thought my first relationship would be my last and you'll live happily ever after lol. it easier knowing i did nothing wrong and even after all that, i went to her house and tried talking to her to see what she wanted and if she even wanted to get married but her dad had already decided that it wont work because there'll be trust issues etc so i didnt even get to see her or ask her why it happened or say goodbye etc.

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        • #5
          Re: How to deal with thoughts of being a failure/reject

          My husband always told me i was his eyes, i was more important to him then his whole family togeter, he made me feel as if i mattered to him, but when his mum told him some lies about me he told me he doesnt know me and he believes his mum cus im just a stranger. He used to promise me if i cry he'd kiss my eyes, but when he saw me cry he took a distance and he left the room. I think many times what did i do to make him turn away from me, why didnt he love me anymore, i failed to show him I'm trustworthy or something. He told me not to go out for dinner with friends, not to go anywhere basically, i couldnt even visit my friend in the hospital when she gave birth, but i didnt mind because it made me feel loved, and when a random guy in the station said Allahumma barik to me he said oh see you can get remarried easily, its okay if we divorce, after what his mum said, he basically stopped caring about me

          So yes i understand how you feel brother, and the first stages after divorce you feel like it's your own fault because you did something wrong, but later you realise that there were many other factors that ruined things, like his age, the circumstances (worries about certain things) and you have ti accept it, its qadrAllah, and in sha Allah Allah will make the future better for us, we live and learn.

          In your situation, i reckon she wasnt very responsible for her actions, not mature enough maybe for marriage, its not your fault that she did the things she did hasan, you couldnt have stopped her from doing it because you tried and you cared, but you also couldnt stop her from breaking the marriage, and its not your fault that you couldnt stop it, you dont guide anyone, guidance comes from Allah swt, and if her intention in her heart was not sincere, He swt will not guide her, and you cannot change her sincerity
          يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

          O mankind, worship your Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may become righteous

          Surah Al Baqarah ayah 21

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          • #6
            Re: How to deal with thoughts of being a failure/reject

            Originally posted by hassaan561 View Post
            Lately I've been down about my whole situation. I feel rejected because i did so much for her and yet she threw it all away for some stranger after nikah. i sometimes am critical about myself and wonder what it was about me that made her do that (my personality, my looks, etc). i also feel very rejected. its not a good feeling when someone u care for so much just treats u like ur nobody. and on top of that i feel like a failure because my marriage didnt work and even my mom told me that she had no worries from me because she knew i wasnt those type of guys and she knew i would take care of my wife so she was really shocked when it all happened. i just dont understand why when u do something right, something wrong still happens. i was mad at allah swt for a little bit but alhamdulliah i didnt steer away and do something wrong and stuck to prayers, fasting etc. i just feel like a reject, failure and was wondering if someone else has gone through this and how they deal with these thoughts. i just feel down and not excited to do anything lately. this was my first relationship so this is all new...
            http://productivemuslim.com/overcomi...vity-barriers/

            http://productivemuslim.com/emotiona...and-hardships/

            http://productivemuslim.com/7-things...s-of-hardship/

            Youtube channel - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYk...dE4pHzSid7Lr0w

            **** Smiling won't cost you now is it ****

            Zawjati ,“Uhibbuki mithla mâ antê” “Uhibbuki kaifamâ kunteee”“Wa mahmâ kâna mahma sâra”

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            • #7
              Re: How to deal with thoughts of being a failure/reject

              Originally posted by aynina View Post
              My husband always told me i was his eyes, i was more important to him then his whole family togeter, he made me feel as if i mattered to him, but when his mum told him some lies about me he told me he doesnt know me and he believes his mum cus im just a stranger. He used to promise me if i cry he'd kiss my eyes, but when he saw me cry he took a distance and he left the room. I think many times what did i do to make him turn away from me, why didnt he love me anymore, i failed to show him I'm trustworthy or something. He told me not to go out for dinner with friends, not to go anywhere basically, i couldnt even visit my friend in the hospital when she gave birth, but i didnt mind because it made me feel loved, and when a random guy in the station said Allahumma barik to me he said oh see you can get remarried easily, its okay if we divorce, after what his mum said, he basically stopped caring about me

              So yes i understand how you feel brother, and the first stages after divorce you feel like it's your own fault because you did something wrong, but later you realise that there were many other factors that ruined things, like his age, the circumstances (worries about certain things) and you have ti accept it, its qadrAllah, and in sha Allah Allah will make the future better for us, we live and learn.

              In your situation, i reckon she wasnt very responsible for her actions, not mature enough maybe for marriage, its not your fault that she did the things she did hasan, you couldnt have stopped her from doing it because you tried and you cared, but you also couldnt stop her from breaking the marriage, and its not your fault that you couldnt stop it, you dont guide anyone, guidance comes from Allah swt, and if her intention in her heart was not sincere, He swt will not guide her, and you cannot change her sincerity
              thanks for sharing. i tried to be an example for her. so instead of telling her when to pray etc i would just mention im praying and she would do it. or when i found out she was doing drugs, after long hard thinking i forgave her because i felt if my wife made a mistake and wanted to not do it again i thought i should forgive her same way god would. but she didnt learn her lesson from that. im sorry to hear ur story. its crazy some mother in laws out there. my mom knew we were having problems and knew she did some drugs after nikah or something but she even forgave her and treated her like a daughter so it just makes me think u had everything so why would u do it. theres no logical explanation. like i didnt beat her, or she didnt have an evil mother in law, or i bought her stuff and complimented her and cared for her etc. like there was no reason to act out. what was missing that u threw it all away? but only god knows why

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              • #8
                Re: How to deal with thoughts of being a failure/reject

                JAk brother

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                • #9
                  Re: How to deal with thoughts of being a failure/reject

                  Originally posted by hassaan561 View Post
                  thanks for sharing. i tried to be an example for her. so instead of telling her when to pray etc i would just mention im praying and she would do it. or when i found out she was doing drugs, after long hard thinking i forgave her because i felt if my wife made a mistake and wanted to not do it again i thought i should forgive her same way god would. but she didnt learn her lesson from that. im sorry to hear ur story. its crazy some mother in laws out there. my mom knew we were having problems and knew she did some drugs after nikah or something but she even forgave her and treated her like a daughter so it just makes me think u had everything so why would u do it. theres no logical explanation. like i didnt beat her, or she didnt have an evil mother in law, or i bought her stuff and complimented her and cared for her etc. like there was no reason to act out. what was missing that u threw it all away? but only god knows why
                  Yea i totally understand the questions you have akhi, she was blessed to be married to you, but she didn't see it, and she wasn't ready, or she would have seen what she had was a diamond. But khair in sha Allah, we dont always know why, but there is definitely a reason why this happened, and Allah knows.
                  May Allah grant you a spouse that is a pearl, who is righteous and a departure for your pain Allahumma Ameen
                  يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

                  O mankind, worship your Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may become righteous

                  Surah Al Baqarah ayah 21

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: How to deal with thoughts of being a failure/reject

                    [MENTION=117483]hassaan561[/MENTION]

                    I have not been in your situation before but I have failed and yes it does suck, make you doubt many things, and feel tainted and embarrassed.

                    That being said these things are tests that we have to bear, and they can also be blessings - she wasn't the right person for you, and this is an opportunity to learn from this and progress in life.

                    Remember, she is the one who messed up not you. Despite the state of the muslim community - women doing drugs and having inappropriate contact with non mahrams before and after marriage is NOT common at all. Even cultural muslim women don't do drugs.
                    Whether it was you or some other guy, her flawed character and weakness would have compelled her to do the same things she did. In many ways you were not important in her sad little story.

                    That being said. Just based on your post - you seem nice. Too nice maybe and not authoritative enough ? Too accepting and forgiving of her sins when most people would not have been? Too much of a push over? Too emotional in now chasing after her looking for answers or goodbyes?
                    She and the situation either intentionally or unintentionally took advantage of your qualities and you are the one who ended up hurt.

                    It seems you accepted and put up with a lot - and the question you have to ask is why? Having standards is not bad. Having expectations of a future or current spouse is not bad. Having demands is not bad; disliking and rejecting someone based their bad actions or qualities is not wrong.
                    It is healthy and shows you have self esteem. That you are a man to be respected for your values and not a push over who is desperate for company and intimacy.

                    You wont get the answers you are looking for. Even if you could ask her, she will only give you platitudes and superficial responses as to why this happened. Most people lack the self awareness to really know why they do such things.

                    Everyone grieves in their own way and it is understandable that you are grieving now.
                    What I find helps is keeping busy and throwing myself in a project or work or new training programme at the gym. Soon a few weeks pass and everything is more manageable and you able to see things in perspective.

                    Remember OP, it sucks now. But inshaAllah when you do marry the right person and have a good family you wont care about any of this, You will have succeeded, and such success is more important to people than some distant perceived failure.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: How to deal with thoughts of being a failure/reject

                      If anything, you are blessed that you found out about all her flaws now instead of years down the road. What if you had invested years in this thing, had a few kids with her, etc etc and then you found out about her dishonesty. Imagine how crushed you would have been. So it really is a blessing in disguise that you were able to dodge a bullet so quickly. Say alhamdulilah and move along.

                      One thing I do want to say is don't let this keep you from being such a nice guy in the future. Although it will be hard and you will look at every woman with double vision, and I don't blame you. But try not to let it spoil what could be potentially a beautiful relationship In sha Allah.
                      Allah gave us two ears and one mouth, so we can listen more and talk less.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: How to deal with thoughts of being a failure/reject

                        Originally posted by Plumeria View Post
                        If anything, you are blessed that you found out about all her flaws now instead of years down the road. What if you had invested years in this thing, had a few kids with her, etc etc and then you found out about her dishonesty. Imagine how crushed you would have been. So it really is a blessing in disguise that you were able to dodge a bullet so quickly. Say alhamdulilah and move along.

                        One thing I do want to say is don't let this keep you from being such a nice guy in the future. Although it will be hard and you will look at every woman with double vision, and I don't blame you. But try not to let it spoil what could be potentially a beautiful relationship In sha Allah.
                        yes i dont think i will let it affect me greatly because i do know most women wont be like this. thanks for ur response.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: How to deal with thoughts of being a failure/reject

                          Originally posted by Sabros View Post
                          [MENTION=117483]hassaan561[/MENTION]

                          I have not been in your situation before but I have failed and yes it does suck, make you doubt many things, and feel tainted and embarrassed.

                          That being said these things are tests that we have to bear, and they can also be blessings - she wasn't the right person for you, and this is an opportunity to learn from this and progress in life.

                          Remember, she is the one who messed up not you. Despite the state of the muslim community - women doing drugs and having inappropriate contact with non mahrams before and after marriage is NOT common at all. Even cultural muslim women don't do drugs.
                          Whether it was you or some other guy, her flawed character and weakness would have compelled her to do the same things she did. In many ways you were not important in her sad little story.

                          That being said. Just based on your post - you seem nice. Too nice maybe and not authoritative enough ? Too accepting and forgiving of her sins when most people would not have been? Too much of a push over? Too emotional in now chasing after her looking for answers or goodbyes?
                          She and the situation either intentionally or unintentionally took advantage of your qualities and you are the one who ended up hurt.

                          It seems you accepted and put up with a lot - and the question you have to ask is why? Having standards is not bad. Having expectations of a future or current spouse is not bad. Having demands is not bad; disliking and rejecting someone based their bad actions or qualities is not wrong.
                          It is healthy and shows you have self esteem. That you are a man to be respected for your values and not a push over who is desperate for company and intimacy.

                          You wont get the answers you are looking for. Even if you could ask her, she will only give you platitudes and superficial responses as to why this happened. Most people lack the self awareness to really know why they do such things.

                          Everyone grieves in their own way and it is understandable that you are grieving now.
                          What I find helps is keeping busy and throwing myself in a project or work or new training programme at the gym. Soon a few weeks pass and everything is more manageable and you able to see things in perspective.

                          Remember OP, it sucks now. But inshaAllah when you do marry the right person and have a good family you wont care about any of this, You will have succeeded, and such success is more important to people than some distant perceived failure.
                          thanks for ur response. yes i think im nice, ive never yelled at her even after finding all this crap. but i have my limits. the drugs thing i didnt forgive so easily and took few months to think it over and after seeing how sorry she was and wanted to change i gave her a chance because forgiving people is a good trait and i heard god will forgive u in future. talking to another man inappropriately was my limit and once she crossed that it was over even though he reach out to her. all she had to say was delete my number and thats it but she didnt for some reason i dont know. even though i didnt do anything majorly wrong, i still tried to get in touch with her and her fmaily after the text incident and even drove to their house to hear her side but her parents had decided its too late and trust is gone and it wont work in future. so i still tried to hear her even after what she did even though i knew it probably wouldnt work. she knew right from wrong but because of lack of maturity or character she couldnt say no. i do have standards and I asked her A LOT of questions in our process where she didnt have as many. i did my research and asked all the right questions and did istikhara and stuff so i was picky but in moderation.

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