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Pros and cons of marrying back home?

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  • Re: Pros and cons of marrying back home?

    Originally posted by ~TwinklingStar~ View Post
    This is a genuine problem and I don't think the solution is as simple as saying Yes or No.

    Firstly, western currency equals to a lot of currency back home. When western people visit their native countries, they go crazy shopping & buy a lot of stuff as it is very cheap there compared to the West.

    Women back home observe their habits & think that all people from the west are rich & lead a lavish & carefree life where they can buy anything they desire. They don't understand how much they've slaved to acquire what they have.

    Hence, for them, marrying in the West seems like a golden ticket to everlasting bliss & happiness. They imagine everyone has a huge money tree in their backyard & they simply pluck from it & send it to them whenever they demand it.

    So, givers have to set limits because takers rarely do.

    Secondly, many women emotionally blackmail or manipulate their husbands to give them more money. They can put you under lots of pressure to the extent that plenty of men take loans or indulge in haraam stuff just to fulfill the desires of their wives and make them happy. If they refuse, they get taunted and their self-esteem & ego gets highly bruised. Thousands & thousands of Muslim men have fallen prey to haraam because their families were not content with halaal.

    That's why it's highly recommended to marrry a woman with deen & taqwa who won't lead you astray. There are even masnoon duas where a man is asked to seek refuge from a wife who makes him old before old age.
    For many people the amount they send is trivial, it's like forgoing a meal out on a weekly basis. If we look at how we spend in the west it will perhaps put things into perspective.

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    • Re: Pros and cons of marrying back home?

      Originally posted by Muslima London View Post
      well then HE should learn to stand up to his wife then

      subhanallah too many scared husbands around
      Lol. Sister do not make foolish assumptions. I am not afraid of my wife, nor does she manipulate me. It's just a lot of constant drama from the inlaws, it is very annoying to deal with. Nowhere did I say that I am unable to refuse or that I am fearful in my marriage. Don't be so judgemental.

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      • Re: Pros and cons of marrying back home?

        Originally posted by Kya View Post
        I would disagree with the bold bits. Most women after migrating to west and living here for bit do realize her husband financial situation. These women are not fool or intentionally manipulative. But they get lot of pressure from their family back home. It is not easy to avoid them or turn them away. She can say "but I don't have money & its embarrassing to ask my husband". But they will say "but we took care of you, we spent so much on your wedding so you can enjoy life. now you are looking the other way. Of course he will help if you ask".. etc She is under lot of pressure too.

        Also because our currency has so much value back home, one can forgo certain basic luxury to give. I agree its not as simple but its not purely the wife's fault. She has lot of expectation on her. I remember my neighbor went to work because her father back home keep asking for money & she didn't feel right asking her husband to constantly pay. She told her father NO she can't but he would say "oh you don't love your father, you don't want to help him". So she made excuse that she wanted to work & she was bored at home. But her real motive was to have extra money so she doesn't have to ask her husband
        Finally, someone who gets it! The problem is never the girl from back home, it's her greedy and manipulative family putting pressure on her. This is the key problem with marrying someone from back home, people. This is what I was getting at in my original post.

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        • Re: Pros and cons of marrying back home?

          Originally posted by Kya View Post
          I would disagree with the bold bits. Most women after migrating to west and living here for bit do realize her husband financial situation. These women are not fool or intentionally manipulative. But they get lot of pressure from their family back home. It is not easy to avoid them or turn them away. She can say "but I don't have money & its embarrassing to ask my husband". But they will say "but we took care of you, we spent so much on your wedding so you can enjoy life. now you are looking the other way. Of course he will help if you ask".. etc She is under lot of pressure too.

          Also because our currency has so much value back home, one can forgo certain basic luxury to give. I agree its not as simple but its not purely the wife's fault. She has lot of expectation on her. I remember my neighbor went to work because her father back home keep asking for money & she didn't feel right asking her husband to constantly pay. She told her father NO she can't but he would say "oh you don't love your father, you don't want to help him". So she made excuse that she wanted to work & she was bored at home. But her real motive was to have extra money so she doesn't have to ask her husband
          hmm...

          Something to keep in mind

          Comment


          • Re: Pros and cons of marrying back home?

            It appears a lot of females in this thread are getting upset that a man does not want to support his wife's family. Ladies, do not get it the wrong way round - most men, myself included, would do anything and everything for their wives happiness, there is no selfishness or fear involved, its love, that stems for a halal marriage. If your husband wants to help your family or give them gifts, great, but if your family has constantly and shamelessly and greedily made demands, your husband would NOT want to do things for them.

            Think about it from a man's perspective - his wife's family is constantly emotionally blackmailing her and upsetting her trying to get money out of her because her husband has it. This will make the man absolutely resent his in laws. If the in laws are geniunely having difficulties, almost all the men in this forum would agree that it is good for the relationship and also good sadaqa to support his wife's family. But there is fine line that is crossed when someone is upsetting and manipulating his wife into doing something. Any man who truly loves his wife would not want her (and indirectly, himself) to be used by a greedy relative of his wife's. Nobody likes to be used, and no man with even a shred of self respect would allow his wife to be used and manipulated.

            So, in answer to the original question in this thread - the biggest con of marrying back home is the risk of greedy/shameless inlaws, they will create a lot of negativity in your life because they have it in their head that you are a westerner and thus made of money and will make them rich.
            Last edited by BeardyJaw; 08-02-17, 11:10 AM.

            Comment


            • Re: Pros and cons of marrying back home?

              my stomach.hurts..
              Last edited by shay5; 08-02-17, 03:38 PM.
              Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

              Comment


              • Re: Pros and cons of marrying back home?

                Originally posted by BeardyJaw View Post
                Lol. Sister do not make foolish assumptions. I am not afraid of my wife, nor does she manipulate me. It's just a lot of constant drama from the inlaws, it is very annoying to deal with. Nowhere did I say that I am unable to refuse or that I am fearful in my marriage. Don't be so judgemental.
                So what's the issue then

                Just say yu can't give anythingredients and leave it at that
                Ibnul Qayyim رحمه الله said: "Don’t ruin your happiness with worry, and don’t ruin your mind with pessimism. Don’t ruin your success with deception and don’t ruin the optimism of others by destroying it. Don’t ruin your day by looking back at yesterday.
                __________________________________________________ _____________________________
                If you think about your situation, you will find that Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) has given you things without asking, so have trust in Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) that He doesn’t prevent anything you want except there is goodness for you.

                You could be sleeping and the doors of the heavens are being opened with dua’as being made on your behalf, SubhanAllaah: perhaps from someone poor whom you helped, or someone sad whom you brought joy, or someone passing by and you smiled at him, or someone in distress and you removed it.. so don’t ever underestimate any good deeds."



                please donate to the Ummah forum sadaqa jariya project. Click on the link for for more information, and to make a donation- https://www.justgiving.com/sadaqah-jariyah-project/

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                • Re: Pros and cons of marrying back home?

                  Originally posted by BeardyJaw View Post
                  Finally, someone who gets it! The problem is never the girl from back home, it's her greedy and manipulative family putting pressure on her. This is the key problem with marrying someone from back home, people. This is what I was getting at in my original post.
                  She is part of the same family :)

                  Comment


                  • Re: Pros and cons of marrying back home?

                    Originally posted by BeardyJaw View Post
                    It appears a lot of females in this thread are getting upset that a man does not want to support his wife's family. Ladies, do not get it the wrong way round - most men, myself included, would do anything and everything for their wives happiness, there is no selfishness or fear involved, its love, that stems for a halal marriage. If your husband wants to help your family or give them gifts, great, but if your family has constantly and shamelessly and greedily made demands, your husband would NOT want to do things for them.

                    Think about it from a man's perspective - his wife's family is constantly emotionally blackmailing her and upsetting her trying to get money out of her because her husband has it. This will make the man absolutely resent his in laws. If the in laws are geniunely having difficulties, almost all the men in this forum would agree that it is good for the relationship and also good sadaqa to support his wife's family. But there is fine line that is crossed when someone is upsetting and manipulating his wife into doing something. Any man who truly loves his wife would not want her (and indirectly, himself) to be used by a greedy relative of his wife's. Nobody likes to be used, and no man with even a shred of self respect would allow his wife to be used and manipulated.

                    So, in answer to the original question in this thread - the biggest con of marrying back home is the risk of greedy/shameless inlaws, they will create a lot of negativity in your life because they have it in their head that you are a westerner and thus made of money and will make them rich.
                    No one here is disagreeing with that. What you have said has already been mentioned.

                    If you're able to refuse the request as you have said above then refuse it.
                    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                    Comment


                    • Re: Pros and cons of marrying back home?

                      Originally posted by shay5 View Post
                      my stomach.hurts..
                      I assume you are being metaphorical. But why? Is it related to the topic?

                      Comment


                      • Re: Pros and cons of marrying back home?

                        hmm...

                        It seems hard for women to find someone from "back home" due to many issues. However can british muslim women find spouse within europe among those who have passport?

                        Atleast they won't seek your british passport and mentality might be closer that you seek. To my little understanding that somalis have tribe-relations that span into several western country.

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