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Do you agree with this potential?

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  • Do you agree with this potential?

    So, a sister was looking for a wife for her brother and she asked me if I was looking and if I had any questions. I was like, sure, and I asked if the brother would mind moving down to where I originally lived because I'm studying away from home rn and am so homesick. My exact words were "how does he feel about moving to (my city)?"

    She kinda went all weird with me and was like, he doesn't really like this attitude of one half of the couple making demands like "I am doing this or that" because in his view that is not good because you're supposed to be open to the possibilities as you don't know what the future holds. I lowkey felt like I was being told off and this was question #1! She said he has met other girls and they have said similar things e.g. "I want to move here or do x, y z" and apparently he doesn't like that because he thinks everything should be a joint decision? :scratch:

    But my thing is...we ain't married yet. You're just a potential. So if there is a time to state your non-negotiables - it's now. Otherwise you're investing time into each other only to find out later down the road that you don't want the same things.

    Hmmm...strange experience. Do you agree with this sentiment? I felt like I was being bullied into a corner a bit - like "you should have no opinions or vision for your future! You should just go with the flow even if the current is flowing in a direction you don't want it to". Or is she right? Should you always be flexible on things that are not deen related?
    And when it is said to them, "Do not cause corruption on the earth," they say, "We are but reformers." (11) Unquestionably, it is they who are the corrupters, but they perceive [it] not. (12) - Surat al-Baqarah
    http://www.ummzakiyyah.com/polygamy_not_my_problem/

  • #2
    Re: Do you agree with this potential?

    Personally, I don't know why he's making a big deal out of it. Seems petty. Or like he's overthinking things.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Do you agree with this potential?

      No, I don't agree with it because for me it's similar to someone lecturing me about in laws 'you should look after in laws, you should be a slave, you were born to be oppressed'

      :zzz: don't go there ya control freak.

      Maybe she was expecting something different from you and she's fed up with these type of questions. Everyone has preferences, doesn't mean someone should make you feel bad about what you want. At least you asked about it, better than not asking because most potentials expect the women to relocate.

      I agree, it's better to talk about these kind of things beforehand.
      'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

      So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

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      • #4
        Re: Do you agree with this potential?

        lol probably because most guys expect the girl to move to his city to live with him.
        Indeed we belong to Allah,
        and indeed to Him we will return.


        Quran 2:156

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        • #5
          Re: Do you agree with this potential?

          You made a lucky escape getting away from him and his psycho sister...there is nothing wrong with asking someone if they would be willing to relocate...if men ask us this question then why cannot we ask them? Sometimes its beneficial to have your family nearby, especially when you have children....
          Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

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          • #6
            Re: Do you agree with this potential?

            Her putting you down was totally unnecessary. Better you found out now rather than later. I'm sure they probably expect the girl to move to wherever they are.
            Allah gave us two ears and one mouth, so we can listen more and talk less.

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            • #7
              Re: Do you agree with this potential?

              Glad I'm not the only one who thought it was weird...

              Also, an unrelated related question: can you talk to two potentials at the same time? e.g. if two men want to get to know you around about the same time (so theres no way to say who got 'dibs' lol) do you tell one to wait while you get to know the other? Or are you allowed to inquire about both of them and see who you like best? Jazakallahu khayr :)
              And when it is said to them, "Do not cause corruption on the earth," they say, "We are but reformers." (11) Unquestionably, it is they who are the corrupters, but they perceive [it] not. (12) - Surat al-Baqarah
              http://www.ummzakiyyah.com/polygamy_not_my_problem/

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Do you agree with this potential?

                Originally posted by EenieMeanie View Post
                Glad I'm not the only one who thought it was weird...

                Also, an unrelated related question: can you talk to two potentials at the same time? e.g. if two men want to get to know you around about the same time (so theres no way to say who got 'dibs' lol) do you tell one to wait while you get to know the other? Or are you allowed to inquire about both of them and see who you like best? Jazakallahu khayr :)
                Whats 'dibs'?

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                • #9
                  Re: Do you agree with this potential?

                  When a person right away has demands it could look bad. if its that important to you you can def bring it up but it also depends on how you ask. how would u feel if he was demanding and making you do things. you wouldnt like it either. usually one person has to be flexible in the relationship and in our culture/religion its usually the girl. guys usually are the bread winnder/leader and the girls r the bakbone/supportive role in the relationship. at least to me.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Do you agree with this potential?

                    Originally posted by EenieMeanie View Post
                    Glad I'm not the only one who thought it was weird...

                    Also, an unrelated related question: can you talk to two potentials at the same time? e.g. if two men want to get to know you around about the same time (so theres no way to say who got 'dibs' lol) do you tell one to wait while you get to know the other? Or are you allowed to inquire about both of them and see who you like best? Jazakallahu khayr :)
                    i rather look at one at a time because it does take energy/time to talk to potential and you can get attached to them even if you dont plan to so its best pick one and see where it goes and once it ends talk to the other. at least thats how i did it. you dont wanna talk to both and compare them and confuse yourself. how would u feel if a guy u were talking to was talking to several women at the same time? you probably wouldnt like it. maybe feel like youre in a competition.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Do you agree with this potential?

                      Originally posted by nudgetheputri View Post
                      Whats 'dibs'?
                      'Dibs' = first pick. For example, if children are rushing to the door to greet their father and get some of the treats he bought, if there are limited choices he may say "so-an-so has got dibs on the snacks because he got to the door first". :)

                      Originally posted by hassaan561 View Post
                      When a person right away has demands it could look bad. if its that important to you you can def bring it up but it also depends on how you ask. how would u feel if he was demanding and making you do things. you wouldnt like it either. usually one person has to be flexible in the relationship and in our culture/religion its usually the girl. guys usually are the bread winnder/leader and the girls r the bakbone/supportive role in the relationship. at least to me.
                      I would have understood if I had said it rudely "I ain't moving ANYWHERE - you better move here, cos I will not be moved!". All I said - and I kept it very open and judgement free - was "how does he feel about moving to my city"? That was it.

                      Then the 'conversation' became a long lecture about not making decisions like that because...reasons? Until she said: "if you are feeling this way then there is no reason to continue" and I just said "yeah". Strange encounter...Also, brothers if you're getting your sister to look for someone for you, make sure she ain't scaring potentials away

                      And yeah, you're right better to look at one potential at a time inshaAllah :)
                      And when it is said to them, "Do not cause corruption on the earth," they say, "We are but reformers." (11) Unquestionably, it is they who are the corrupters, but they perceive [it] not. (12) - Surat al-Baqarah
                      http://www.ummzakiyyah.com/polygamy_not_my_problem/

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Do you agree with this potential?

                        You did the right thing,

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Do you agree with this potential?

                          How can you make joint decisions if you're not allowed to ask what his opinion is on something well maybe shes a bit jelly that her brothers getting married or something.

                          I wouldn't worry about it too much until theres more weird reactions from her or him lol
                          يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

                          O mankind, worship your Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may become righteous

                          Surah Al Baqarah ayah 21

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                          • #14
                            Re: Do you agree with this potential?

                            Sounds like other people have been overly demanding with requests in the past and she is projecting that onto you. Not really fair...

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                            • #15
                              Re: Do you agree with this potential?

                              Originally posted by EenieMeanie View Post
                              'Dibs' = first pick. For example, if children are rushing to the door to greet their father and get some of the treats he bought, if there are limited choices he may say "so-an-so has got dibs on the snacks because he got to the door first". :)



                              I would have understood if I had said it rudely "I ain't moving ANYWHERE - you better move here, cos I will not be moved!". All I said - and I kept it very open and judgement free - was "how does he feel about moving to my city"? That was it.

                              Then the 'conversation' became a long lecture about not making decisions like that because...reasons? Until she said: "if you are feeling this way then there is no reason to continue" and I just said "yeah". Strange encounter...Also, brothers if you're getting your sister to look for someone for you, make sure she ain't scaring potentials away

                              And yeah, you're right better to look at one potential at a time inshaAllah :)
                              Sounds like the sister is annoyed, maybe it has something to do with you or nothing to do with you.

                              If I were you and come across a potential's messenger (his sister) I'd ask her your question. But on another day, where this messenger isnt all preachy and defensive. In that way, you can let her know how you didn't like how things seem to be going too fast for you when theres already restrictions on where you gonna live etc. Yall not even married and she's like whoa dere.

                              Yea ask the same question another time and see her reaction.

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