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Would you support friend marrying without parents permission?

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  • In my Opinion
    replied
    Re: Would you support friend marrying without parents permission?

    Originally posted by Kya View Post
    I have a friend who has decided she is getting married with or without her parents support. She is a close friend of mine. I always envision I will help out a lot at her wedding as she doesn't have any sisters & is the oldest among her siblings. But due to her parents situation, I am not sure how involved I want to be. One hand she is a good friend of mine and I want to help her start her new life. I am really happy for her. On the other hand, I don't want her parents pointing finger at me saying "this girl helped my daughter make a big mistake". We are all adults so pointing finger at this stage is silly but I understand where the parents are coming from.

    She is 30, a medical doctor in usa, hijabi, wears abaya most of the time, very pious/practicing. Basically a perfect girl. She has been ready to get married for while. But her parents were dragging their feet. Not sure the full reason, maybe because she is the only daughter or maybe they were greedy which is surprising because her dad is heavy involved with masjid. I know she broke thru her shyness at 25 & had a talk with her mom about finding someone for her to get married to. Her mom's response always been "I am praying and waiting for the right guy".

    For 5 years they have been waiting for the perfect guy even when she told them she is wiling to look into less than perfect (i.e non-doc/PhD) guy but her parents still claim there is no one available. She is lot more aggressive than her mom, so she networked & recently an aunty at masjid introduced her to another lady who is looking for her son. She informed her parents about this. Her parents, as usual, choose to ignore & take idle route. She went ahead and talked to him & really liked him. So she informed them again and gave them a timeline to find alternative prospect or she will move forward. His parents talked to her parents who flat out rejected because he is not from same race as her (she is Bangali, he is Indian), he is not as educated as her (She is M.D and he only has BS degree). I don't think he is as pious/practicing as her either but she feels he is right for her & if she leaves it to her parents she might never get married. So she told them she is moving forward with or without. She will force her brothers to be her wali. The parents have option to join or ignore.

    which comes back to my question, how involved would you be? I will be at her wedding/nikkah regardless but lot of the family tradition that parents carry out in Banagali culture (like take breakfast the morning after, mehindi event, send decorative food on nikkah day/paan taals/misti taals..etc) wouldn't happen. So its upto us to either carry those on or let her feel the lack of parents in the event. I am sure she will feel it either way but we will just make it little bit nicer
    Hmm, only you know how your friend is.

    I have friends who often make the wrong decisions and I also have friends who think things through and make the best possible decisions based on their circumstances. I'm guessing she is in the latter.

    My only concern would be how well she knows this man. If she knows him fairly well, then she should go for it. Otherwise I would tread carefully. And she should look into a prenup.

    I'm really baffled as to why the parents are doing nothing. If she's the only child and a doctor... I can only guess it's for the dollars.

    Leave a comment:


  • One girl
    replied
    Re: Would you support friend marrying without parents permission?

    Originally posted by Dinobot View Post
    Imam abu hanifa's view is irrelevant because he never heard the hadith of the prophet. And the prophet's word is final.

    By the way, I kinda knew it would end like this for the OP's friend. A marriage without the blessings of the parents has no barakah. Great way to start a marriage. In the end she will learn but by then it would be too late
    But what would you suggest she do in this situation? Say there's no sharia court around you as you don't live in an Islamic country, you're a 32 year old female who also has desires (not only men do) and your religion is at stake. You want to enjoy the pleasure of marriage too and menopause is knocking, you have a brother you like to consider but your parents say NO. You have spoken to them several times and even gotten family members / imam to do the same. I reserve my comment about her decision, but what would you do? Stay single forever if they do not agree? Enlighten me

    Leave a comment:


  • aynina
    replied
    Re: Would you support friend marrying without parents permission?

    Originally posted by quark View Post
    Why are you rolling your eyes?



    More likely, it's the parents who will need her.
    Rolling them at myself for not reading that shes a doc etc.
    May Allah make it easy for her Ameen

    Leave a comment:


  • quark
    replied
    Re: Would you support friend marrying without parents permission?

    Originally posted by aynina View Post
    Oh lol well thats kinda different
    Why are you rolling your eyes?

    But still losing her parents for marriage is not worth it at all, she might need her parents in the future and they might not be there then
    More likely, it's the parents who will need her.

    Leave a comment:


  • aynina
    replied
    Re: Would you support friend marrying without parents permission?

    Originally posted by quark View Post
    Young girls? Streets? What on earth are you talking about. She's a 32 year old doctor and from the description, knowledgeable of Islam as well. She'll clearly not end up on the streets, no, she's desperate and rightly so.


    It's not unlikely that her parents are keeping her from getting married by making up excuses so she'll stay and support them when they're old.
    Oh lol well thats kinda different

    But still losing her parents for marriage is not worth it at all, she might need her parents in the future and they might not be there then

    Leave a comment:


  • quark
    replied
    Re: Would you support friend marrying without parents permission?

    Young girls? Streets? What on earth are you talking about. She's a 32 year old doctor and from the description, knowledgeable of Islam as well. She'll clearly not end up on the streets, no, she's desperate and rightly so.


    It's not unlikely that her parents are keeping her from getting married by making up excuses so she'll stay and support them when they're old.

    Leave a comment:


  • quark
    replied
    Re: Would you support friend marrying without parents permission?

    Originally posted by Kya View Post
    Oh gosh it gotten worst :( She printed her invitation & she didn't change the date. But on top of it, her brothers will not be attending the wedding. The family situation got worst. Everything that was said in this thread have been said by her family and many of it directly to his family. I can't believe she is making this mistake. And I don't feel comfortable with her to put my foot down & say "back out of it or I am not attending" because we haven't been close for last few years.

    how can a girl who is so Islamic minded, who championed sister circle in our university, who wanted a pious husband over anything else, who was never without her hijab, never did eyebrows & was a model among our friends is thinking about getting married without a wali. Maybe her uncle will be her wali as she reached out to her uncle recently who tried being a mediator. I am devastated but she is 32 how much convincing can I do. Only once did I say "maybe you should reconsider this, if it was meant to be Allah would make your path easy". She said "I know" & that was it. My husband will not be joining me in attending this wedding but he is not going to stop me. I don't want to go but she only has 4 guest at this point *smh* how life can change
    Well you answered your question. I blame the parents in this case. You can't force your child to stay celibate, especially not in the west.

    Leave a comment:


  • aynina
    replied
    Re: Would you support friend marrying without parents permission?

    Originally posted by Dinobot View Post
    Imam abu hanifa's view is irrelevant because he never heard the hadith of the prophet. And the prophet's word is final.

    By the way, I kinda knew it would end like this for the OP's friend. A marriage without the blessings of the parents has no barakah. Great way to start a marriage. In the end she will learn but by then it would be too late

    Leave a comment:


  • Dinobot
    replied
    Re: Would you support friend marrying without parents permission?

    Originally posted by aynina View Post
    Yea forgive me i meant in a situation where the parents are non muslims. Even though in hanafism a marriage can take place without a wali i believe but im not sure Allahu alam
    Imam abu hanifa's view is irrelevant because he never heard the hadith of the prophet. And the prophet's word is final.

    By the way, I kinda knew it would end like this for the OP's friend. A marriage without the blessings of the parents has no barakah. Great way to start a marriage. In the end she will learn but by then it would be too late

    Leave a comment:


  • aynina
    replied
    Re: Would you support friend marrying without parents permission?

    Originally posted by Dinobot View Post
    No one can take the wali from the father unless it is done through a sharia court with Islamic jurists. You can't simply walk up to an imam and say be my wali. The process of the guardianship is stringent to protect the honor of the women in islam.
    Yea forgive me i meant in a situation where the parents are non muslims. Even though in hanafism a marriage can take place without a wali i believe but im not sure Allahu alam

    Leave a comment:


  • Dinobot
    replied
    Re: Would you support friend marrying without parents permission?

    Originally posted by aynina View Post
    The imam can be her wali though
    No one can take the wali from the father unless it is done through a sharia court with Islamic jurists. You can't simply walk up to an imam and say be my wali. The process of the guardianship is stringent to protect the honor of the women in islam.

    Leave a comment:


  • aynina
    replied
    Re: Would you support friend marrying without parents permission?

    Originally posted by Dinobot View Post
    tell her this.

    A marriage without a wali is not a valid nikkah. She will be commiting zina in the eyes of Allah for the rest of her life. Her children will be bastards in the sight of allah. Her salah, sawm, duas are al going to be worthless. In the end, she chose the man over her religion.

    And you as a friend will also be part of it because you chose to indulge her and make excuses for her rather than put your foot down. You should be cutting relationship with someone who is disobeying allah. No friend business here. She does not respect Allah so why should you?
    The imam can be her wali though

    Leave a comment:


  • Dinobot
    replied
    Re: Would you support friend marrying without parents permission?

    Originally posted by Kya View Post
    Oh gosh it gotten worst :( She printed her invitation & she didn't change the date. But on top of it, her brothers will not be attending the wedding. The family situation got worst. Everything that was said in this thread have been said by her family and many of it directly to his family. I can't believe she is making this mistake. And I don't feel comfortable with her to put my foot down & say "back out of it or I am not attending" because we haven't been close for last few years.

    how can a girl who is so Islamic minded, who championed sister circle in our university, who wanted a pious husband over anything else, who was never without her hijab, never did eyebrows & was a model among our friends is thinking about getting married without a wali. Maybe her uncle will be her wali as she reached out to her uncle recently who tried being a mediator. I am devastated but she is 32 how much convincing can I do. Only once did I say "maybe you should reconsider this, if it was meant to be Allah would make your path easy". She said "I know" & that was it. My husband will not be joining me in attending this wedding but he is not going to stop me. I don't want to go but she only has 4 guest at this point *smh* how life can change


    tell her this.

    A marriage without a wali is not a valid nikkah. She will be commiting zina in the eyes of Allah for the rest of her life. Her children will be bastards in the sight of allah. Her salah, sawm, duas are al going to be worthless. In the end, she chose the man over her religion.

    And you as a friend will also be part of it because you chose to indulge her and make excuses for her rather than put your foot down. You should be cutting relationship with someone who is disobeying allah. No friend business here. She does not respect Allah so why should you?

    Leave a comment:


  • Kya
    replied
    Re: Would you support friend marrying without parents permission?

    Oh gosh it gotten worst :( She printed her invitation & she didn't change the date. But on top of it, her brothers will not be attending the wedding. The family situation got worst. Everything that was said in this thread have been said by her family and many of it directly to his family. I can't believe she is making this mistake. And I don't feel comfortable with her to put my foot down & say "back out of it or I am not attending" because we haven't been close for last few years.

    how can a girl who is so Islamic minded, who championed sister circle in our university, who wanted a pious husband over anything else, who was never without her hijab, never did eyebrows & was a model among our friends is thinking about getting married without a wali. Maybe her uncle will be her wali as she reached out to her uncle recently who tried being a mediator. I am devastated but she is 32 how much convincing can I do. Only once did I say "maybe you should reconsider this, if it was meant to be Allah would make your path easy". She said "I know" & that was it. My husband will not be joining me in attending this wedding but he is not going to stop me. I don't want to go but she only has 4 guest at this point *smh* how life can change

    Leave a comment:


  • Sister_2009
    replied
    Re: Would you support friend marrying without parents permission?

    Originally posted by Kya View Post
    I am sure she did not like him because he has a BS or BA degree. I mentioned that only to show reasons why her parents are against him. I am sure she liked him for other (non education) reason. She loves hiking, biking, sky diving & other adventurous stuff that most desi people don't engage in. I am guessing that's where they connected & she figure she can spend her life with someone she shares lot of hobbies together even if they are professionally much different.
    That's exactly the point. She doesn't like him for the degree, and it's easy to find someone with those qualifications which is why her age shouldn't matter, because a guy like that is easy to find. Not sure about the adventurousness for Desi people, but there isn't a shortage of guys who like those activities, either. He doesn't sound unique enough to marry with family not agreeing. It is her choice, after all, to do what she wants. I think she's making a big mistake, but it's her life. Hopefully they will sort it out.

    Leave a comment:

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