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  • Confused and hurt

    Salam to all my brothers and sisters.

    This is only my second post anywhere ever, reason being I've conceded the fact I'm confused. I've always been the person to come to when others need help and Alhamdulilah people have told me they only hear positive things about me.

    I'm confused because I am scared. I love this girl so much and vice versa. We stopped being together bcse it was haram but spoke about marriage instead. Due to us being from different cultures, her parents won't accept it and it really is sad that in 2016 culture has more of a say than religion in some communities. The problem now is that she's been trying her best to keep in contact and I allow her to do so because losing her is unimaginable. We both know that we love each other very much but the more we talk and the more we see each other is the more we want to be together and the harder it gets when we're apart again. It's really painful to have to split from somebody you've been ridiculously close with for 5 years. Every now and then she talks about possibilities but they somehow go back to the fact that her parents won't accept it. My problem is that I see her weekly bcse she works with me. Everytime I see her walk by or laugh or even smile with colleagues It really makes me incredibly upset knowing what I had and what things are, truly heartbreaking - I cannot express it any other way. Sometimes I just want to cut all communications but before doing so I want to tell her that it's okay for her to try and be with someone else because all I wanted was her happiness and if she finds that in her parents happiness with who she marries then I am a man who has no say. She says her parents happiness comes before her's but she feels if she's not going to be with me than she will not be happy. If you're still reading at this point thank you and may Allah bless you. I still have 0.1% hope that by Allah's will we can be together in a halal way and live the rest of our lives making each other better Muslims.
    People see me and think things are fantastic but in truth I am alone for 80% of the day and this is eating me alive at a time where I'm supposed to be revising for my exams and trying my best to get back on the deen because I feel I have strayed so badly and my Iman has hit rock bottom.

    I will be truly thankful for any advice, Salam Alaikum.

  • #2
    Re: Confused and hurt

    :wswrwb:

    Have you spoken to her parents? Has she spoken to her parents or is she just assuming they won't approve?

    If you two really want to marry, keep convincing parents, get an imam or someone to speak to them. Make lots of dua.

    If you are destined to be together, you will be.

    It doesn't matter if your from different cultures. Love has no borders.

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    • #3
      Re: Confused and hurt

      :wswrwb:

      Sorry to hear about what your going through akhi, hope things get better for you :insha:

      I think it's best for you to pray salatul Istikhara and Allah will grant you what's best for you. In the meantime, try improving on your Ibadah and spend time with righteous friends to relieve you from your loneliness.
      “And We have already created man and know what his soul whispers to him, and We are closer to him than (his) jugular vein.” (Quran 50:16)

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      • #4
        Re: Confused and hurt

        Originally posted by redito View Post
        Salam to all my brothers and sisters.

        This is only my second post anywhere ever, reason being I've conceded the fact I'm confused. I've always been the person to come to when others need help and Alhamdulilah people have told me they only hear positive things about me.

        I'm confused because I am scared. I love this girl so much and vice versa. We stopped being together bcse it was haram but spoke about marriage instead. Due to us being from different cultures, her parents won't accept it and it really is sad that in 2016 culture has more of a say than religion in some communities. The problem now is that she's been trying her best to keep in contact and I allow her to do so because losing her is unimaginable. We both know that we love each other very much but the more we talk and the more we see each other is the more we want to be together and the harder it gets when we're apart again. It's really painful to have to split from somebody you've been ridiculously close with for 5 years. Every now and then she talks about possibilities but they somehow go back to the fact that her parents won't accept it. My problem is that I see her weekly bcse she works with me. Everytime I see her walk by or laugh or even smile with colleagues It really makes me incredibly upset knowing what I had and what things are, truly heartbreaking - I cannot express it any other way. Sometimes I just want to cut all communications but before doing so I want to tell her that it's okay for her to try and be with someone else because all I wanted was her happiness and if she finds that in her parents happiness with who she marries then I am a man who has no say. She says her parents happiness comes before her's but she feels if she's not going to be with me than she will not be happy. If you're still reading at this point thank you and may Allah bless you. I still have 0.1% hope that by Allah's will we can be together in a halal way and live the rest of our lives making each other better Muslims.
        People see me and think things are fantastic but in truth I am alone for 80% of the day and this is eating me alive at a time where I'm supposed to be revising for my exams and trying my best to get back on the deen because I feel I have strayed so badly and my Iman has hit rock bottom.

        I will be truly thankful for any advice, Salam Alaikum.

        Your story reminds me of my story, even if it's a bit different.
        Anyways, problems due to issues linked with ethnicity are ones of the most painful. A person can be a better muslim, can give up on smoking, can change his job to assure financial stability, but cannot change his ethnicity. Being rejected because of that gives you feeling like I am not worth it just because of this? I am not a good person to be welcomed in your life and in your family just because of this? It's painful because being from that culture is not your fault and it's not a fault.
        Some people don't understand and justify it talking about compatibility while it's only about pride.

        It's clear that this situation cannot go on in this way for some more years. If now it's painful, next year will be more and more.

        - she needs to talk and talk to her parents and try her best. To explain to her parents why she wants to marry you, why she won't be happy without you, what wakes you the right husband for her and that Islam has no say about intercultural marriages. She will "struggle" if she really wants to be with you.
        - you can ask to meet her father, sometimes this will make a change of mind
        - "she's been trying her best to keep in contact and I allow her to do so" WRONG, very wrong. Which will be the outcome of this? No marriage but keeping in touch? No. It will cause more pain, to both of you. Talk to her and tell her that you need to find a solution or to make a decision and stop being together.

        Look, I know it's extremely painful. I've been through. I have been rejected because of cultural reasons. I stopped any contact. I changed job/working place. I deleted my social account. I changed my number. I suffered, a lot. I cried, a lot. But it's the only thing to do when two persons cannot marry.

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        • #5
          Re: Confused and hurt

          You put yourself in that situation, when you forget Allah and start putting your own selfish desires first then this is the result...go to her father, if he says no then move on...if working with her is proving to difficult then find a new job or ask to be moved to a different section...
          Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

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