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Is it permissible for the groom to marry in secret?

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  • #46
    Re: Is it permissible for the groom to marry in secret?

    Originally posted by shay5 View Post
    Then you get through to them, I still would not hurt my parents over a nobody that I want to make a somebody...
    Nor would I

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    • #47
      Re: Is it permissible for the groom to marry in secret?

      you have been waiting for 8 years? Are you sure it is a good idea to go ahead and be hidden as his spouse?
      In the long term, how will that affect you, him, your relationship? They will eventually find out, and divorce will become a very real option glaring at you two. Think about it.

      Comment


      • #48
        Re: Is it permissible for the groom to marry in secret?

        A marriage done in secret is not a marriage. It's a freaking joke and the OP is dumb for even going with it

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        • #49
          Re: Is it permissible for the groom to marry in secret?

          A man who does not have the guts to marry you publically is not a man you should ever waste even a minute more on.

          You've lost nearly a decade on this man... Get your head out of the Sand!

          Comment


          • #50
            Re: Is it permissible for the groom to marry in secret?

            Salaam sister,

            You need to have a long, serious talk with him. Talk about what he wants out of marriage. Talk about what he expects from his family when he is married. How will you handle a wedding? How will you handle family visits? How will you handle children? Have you spoken extensively about how you will handle your new lives together, and your respective families, when you're married? How will you handle the situation when one of your family members insults or angers your spouse?

            I know what you're going through... I also have a brother I am interested in marrying who is Pakistani. I've known him for 3 years. His family knows nothing about me. His family most likely would not accept me. I've put myself through so much heartache, as I'm sure you have too, because I didn't want to lose this man. Because I want his family to accept me so much. But it's all out of my control. It's a terrible feeling sister, on both sides. You don't deserve to put yourself through this any longer.

            It's been 8 years. 8 years is more than long enough. Honestly, he should have known how his family feels 6 or 7 years ago. If he hasn't gotten his family's approval by now, it's not going to happen. Pulling you along like this is selfish if he knows there's no future. As marriage is on both your minds, you're wasting your time (if his family is not going to change their mind). He's getting the best of both worlds right now - his family and his partner. It needs to stop. He can't be selfish anymore. He needs to choose.

            If he is truly unaware of what he's doing to you, he needs to realize it, now. Either he's with you, or he needs to let you go. Now. Not tomorrow, not in another year, but now. If this relationship is heading nowhere (which it seems to have been heading that way for a long time now), then it needs to end. Today. You both need to start moving on and healing.

            When you're in a marriage, you make the decision to choose and commit to each other every day. If he has people in his life who are very important to him but also very opposed to that, then he can't truly be committing to you. Not if he's committed to other people who oppose you.

            This situation isn't fair to either of you. You both deserve happiness. If one or both of you can't get that from this relationship, then it needs to end.

            I have heard of cases where families start to come around when there's children involved. So if you had children, they could soften up. But at this point, that's a big if.

            Talk. Talk now, and don't wait another 8 years. Don't get married in secret. It won't end well at all. The very fact that you're posting this shows that you're having doubts, and you know it's not what you should be doing.

            I wish you the best sister. I will pray for you. Look inside your heart. I'm sure you already know what you have to do. Whatever it is, own it. Take control of your own destiny.

            Don't let anyone else write yours for you.
            Last edited by Comrox; 08-05-16, 05:08 AM.

            Comment


            • #51
              Re: Is it permissible for the groom to marry in secret?

              I would not trust a "secret " marriage.

              Comment


              • #52
                Re: Is it permissible for the groom to marry in secret?

                Originally posted by Dinobot View Post
                A marriage done in secret is not a marriage. It's a freaking joke and the OP is dumb for even going with it
                Yes, you're right. It does sound ridiculous. I did explain that to him.

                Originally posted by In my Opinion View Post
                A man who does not have the guts to marry you publically is not a man you should ever waste even a minute more on.

                You've lost nearly a decade on this man... Get your head out of the Sand!
                You make a valid point

                Originally posted by Comrox View Post
                Salaam sister,

                You need to have a long, serious talk with him. Talk about what he wants out of marriage. Talk about what he expects from his family when he is married. How will you handle a wedding? How will you handle family visits? How will you handle children? Have you spoken extensively about how you will handle your new lives together, and your respective families, when you're married? How will you handle the situation when one of your family members insults or angers your spouse?

                I know what you're going through... I also have a brother I am interested in marrying who is Pakistani. I've known him for 3 years. His family knows nothing about me. His family most likely would not accept me. I've put myself through so much heartache, as I'm sure you have too, because I didn't want to lose this man. Because I want his family to accept me so much. But it's all out of my control. It's a terrible feeling sister, on both sides. You don't deserve to put yourself through this any longer.

                It's been 8 years. 8 years is more than long enough. Honestly, he should have known how his family feels 6 or 7 years ago. If he hasn't gotten his family's approval by now, it's not going to happen. Pulling you along like this is selfish if he knows there's no future. As marriage is on both your minds, you're wasting your time (if his family is not going to change their mind). He's getting the best of both worlds right now - his family and his partner. It needs to stop. He can't be selfish anymore. He needs to choose.

                If he is truly unaware of what he's doing to you, he needs to realize it, now. Either he's with you, or he needs to let you go. Now. Not tomorrow, not in another year, but now. If this relationship is heading nowhere (which it seems to have been heading that way for a long time now), then it needs to end. Today. You both need to start moving on and healing.

                When you're in a marriage, you make the decision to choose and commit to each other every day. If he has people in his life who are very important to him but also very opposed to that, then he can't truly be committing to you. Not if he's committed to other people who oppose you.

                This situation isn't fair to either of you
                . You both deserve happiness. If one or both of you can't get that from this relationship, then it needs to end.

                I have heard of cases where families start to come around when there's children involved. So if you had children, they could soften up. But at this point, that's a big if.

                Talk. Talk now, and don't wait another 8 years. Don't get married in secret. It won't end well at all. The very fact that you're posting this shows that you're having doubts, and you know it's not what you should be doing.

                I wish you the best sister. I will pray for you. Look inside your heart. I'm sure you already know what you have to do. Whatever it is, own it. Take control of your own destiny.

                Don't let anyone else write yours for you.
                I explained that to him. Just feels like I'm doing all the sacrificing.

                Originally posted by Atwork. View Post
                I would not trust a "secret " marriage.
                Nor I

                Comment


                • #53
                  Re: Is it permissible for the groom to marry in secret?

                  Personally a marriage process should never go beyond a year or two. But you wasted your life for 8 years and not even thought once about a secret marriage Is all about. Girls usually have more self respect than that. So the question arises why were u patient? I hope its not because you already had relations with him.

                  Comment


                  • #54
                    Re: Is it permissible for the groom to marry in secret?

                    Originally posted by Dinobot View Post
                    Personally a marriage process should never go beyond a year or two. But you wasted your life for 8 years and not even thought once about a secret marriage Is all about. Girls usually have more self respect than that. So the question arises why were u patient? I hope its not because you already had relations with him.
                    I care about him and that's why I was patient.

                    Comment


                    • #55
                      Re: Is it permissible for the groom to marry in secret?

                      Originally posted by 2BlackThings View Post
                      I care about him and that's why I was patient.
                      well clearly he didn't care about you to the point he made u wait for all these years only to tell u to marry him secretly. Have some self respect and some izzah sister. This dunya is short. You are wasting your life and your youth for someone who is asking you to commit a batil.

                      Comment


                      • #56
                        Re: Is it permissible for the groom to marry in secret?

                        Originally posted by 2BlackThings View Post
                        I care about him and that's why I was patient.
                        You have had a few days to think it over, what are your current thoughts?
                        Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

                        Comment


                        • #57
                          Re: Is it permissible for the groom to marry in secret?

                          Originally posted by Dinobot View Post
                          well clearly he didn't care about you to the point he made u wait for all these years only to tell u to marry him secretly. Have some self respect and some izzah sister. This dunya is short. You are wasting your life and your youth for someone who is asking you to commit a batil.
                          It's more complicated than that brother, but thank you for your advice.

                          Originally posted by shay5 View Post
                          You have had a few days to think it over, what are your current thoughts?
                          My current thoughts are I don't want to continue like this so I'm taking a break from it. I've explained to him that I want to do this properly. He said that he is going to sort it out. In the meantime, I'm just going to get on with my life.

                          Jazak Allahu Khair everyone for your insights. It really has helped me. Some harsh truths but that what I like about you all. You tell it like it is, Alhamdulilah :). Salams.

                          Comment


                          • #58
                            Re: Is it permissible for the groom to marry in secret?

                            Sort it all out. I have heard that one before.. 8 years and he is still sorting it out. The truth is in your face but you are too blinded by love to see it. Let's hope by the time he makes up his mind you are not approaching middle ages

                            Comment


                            • #59
                              Re: Is it permissible for the groom to marry in secret?

                              Originally posted by Dinobot View Post
                              Sort it all out. I have heard that one before.. 8 years and he is still sorting it out. The truth is in your face but you are too blinded by love to see it. Let's hope by the time he makes up his mind you are not approaching middle ages
                              You're right but if you care about someone, it's hard to walk away.

                              Comment


                              • #60
                                Re: Is it permissible for the groom to marry in secret?

                                Feelings of guilt and letting him down should not enter the equation when deciding on marriage. After 8 years its unlikely his family will change. Its possible they would even get worse after marriage as there are no limits to how low some trash families will sink.

                                Comment

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