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  • New revert and first approach by a muslim guy

    Hi everyone! I am new in this forum. I was born and raised in a strict conservative christian family but one year ago I reverted to Islam, alhamdulillah.

    I am now doing the research for my final MA thesis in a Middle Eastern country. I have been here for almost 7 months so far. Everything is so new and I have still much to learn. During my staying here I met a guy, at university. He was very welcoming and then curious about my reversion. One day I told him how I came back to Islam and since then we started talking a lot. About us, our countries, cultures and families. Never more than these simple conversations. Then, he asked me what I thought about marrying and settle down here and he expressed the desire to meet my family, in Europe. There is a great complicity between us and I would like him to meet my family.

    After some weeks, he changed idea and he said that he just would like to travel, but he doesn't want to meet my family because "he won't go that far". I felt sad and betrayed in some way, but I accepted it. I continued to work on my thesis.

    After some weeks, he changed idea again. He told me that he has been talking a lot about me to his parents and they expressed the desire to meet me. He invited me for dinner and I accepted (I felt rude to refuse). There were his parents, all his brothers and wives. They were really nice, kind and we spent a good time together. Then they expressed the desire to see me again. But I let the time pass as I don't want to attach more to people I have to leave soon. In the meantime, this guy told me again he would like to meet my family but he can't marry now. He needs some time (1-2 years). He already has a job and he is 26.

    In few days I will come back to Europe and I don't know what to think. My father is not muslim but he is really conservative. If I talk to him about a guy who likes me but who can't commit, he will explode, seriously.

    I have never been the type of girl who has texting relationships (he proposed me that when he knew about my departure) and I have never been in any kind of relationship so far.

    I don't have close muslim friends to whom seek for advice and I am worried that my christian friends won't give me the right advice. So I would like to hear some opinions.

    Thank you!

  • #2
    Re: New revert and first approach by a muslim guy

    I always had this rule for many years, to speak to a potential for a maximum (3 month) and either marry him or stop all contact.. One or two became good friends Alhamdulilah.
    If he's serious about you then he would wait and leave you be until he's ready to marry you.. There's no such thing as being together for years without marriage.. He will take advantage and lose interest and only your reputation will be in ruins.

    Some brothers think they can marry converts and leave them when ever they please because they think you're not aware of how sisters have rights and what islam says about you. They do take advantage so make sure you know your rights and make sure no man takes the mick with you.
    I love you, cherish you and worship you,
    Guide me on your path to your janna,
    Unite me beside you My King and all mighty,


    :love:Allah:love:

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: New revert and first approach by a muslim guy

      This is a guy who wants it all ways, he wants to be in a relationship and have you be involved in haram for 2 years because you will be contacting each other and that is not permissible, especially without a wali...what will happen after the 2 years? You get to know him for so long and then he decides not to go through with it...Allah has made the rules so we can protect our hearts...don't let some man break it, especially one who is going to string you along for so long....forget him sister...youmight be better off marrying a Muslim from Europe who understands what it is like growing up in the west....you might face some culture clashes...
      Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: New revert and first approach by a muslim guy

        Hello my dear sister, I am a convert as well.

        Allah knows best.

        I have a strong belief that this will not be fruitful for you to pursue. Mainly this is because if this was a guy who was serious about you, he wouldve done the appropriate steps to begin with. He wouldve expressed interest to you, and try to setup any sort of halal meeting to discuss marriage. He is a born-Muslim (İ am guessing) which means he knows better my sister, he knows that if you were an Arab he wouldve never approached or commuicated you in that way. İf he was truly serious and wanted to honor you he wouldve started this off the right way rather than being complex and wish-washy about it all.

        One of the biggest red flags is the wait time. There is just no justification to wait 1-2 years. That should be the dismissal of him in your life.

        You are expensive my sister.
        You are a convert, there are millions of wonderful men who would marry you and do it the right way. He is taking advantage of your newness in this religion, no different then some suave casanova. Why does he think you would even wait these years for him? İf he was a great man for you, he would rush to marry you for fear that someone can take you away. Who says you will be even available in these years.


        Look my sister. Study the right way to find a spouse so that you see the clear signs of what men should do and what they shouldnt. This man didnt start this off right and you should cut ties, move on because theres other great men out there who are smarter and not going to be complicated. I did not make that smart decision and İ am, just about to divorce and am living in my own personal hell. How you start will say a lot about how it continues, set yourself up for success by finding a man who will honor you and contact you in the right way, not like this. This is not how its done and he knows that.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: New revert and first approach by a muslim guy

          As-salamu alaikum sister, I'm a revert as well since 2002. Thanks for reaching out for advice. Since you are a new revert, I would recommend not marrying anyone at this point. You do not have enough understanding of the religion yet to know what characteristics to look for as far as whether the guy is religiously sound or not. You have to be very careful, because people know that you don't know too much and so they will try and take advantage of your weaknesses and mold your beliefs to fit their desires.

          Some red flags already present:

          He's been talking to you alone.

          He's changing his mind and telling you he won't go that far.

          He wants to immediately come to your country. He uses the guise of meeting family,

          He can't make solid decisions and is wavering.

          All of the above is not the action of a practicing Muslim guy. Anyone can call themselves Muslim, but are they really following it? That's the question. You also need to consider the complication of marrying someone from a different country. This is expensive. You will have to do years of immigration paperwork. What if he wants to take you back there? Are you ready to leave your family? It's expensive to fly with children. Can you see your family every few years? What will he do for work? Will you have to support him for a long time?

          See, it's not a good idea. Don't marry the first guy that comes along. Learn about Islam and Muslims. Get to know yourself. Someone better will come for you.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: New revert and first approach by a muslim guy

            Welcome dear sister!

            I agree with the above advice. I think he hasn't made a decision yet about you and he is trying to save time.
            BUT for sure, it's not an approach by a muslim guy. Not at all.

            Learn the difference between "religious muslims" and "cultural muslims". The second ones will always act according to their mindset, putting Islam second. Basically, you can't trust this type of people, you never know what kind of reaction they will have towards you. Moreover, they are constantly influenced by cultural issues and what about other people say, constantly, and for you, as a person from a different culture, would be extremely difficult to deal with.

            Don't involve yourself in any haram relationship.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: New revert and first approach by a muslim guy

              Too many red flags
              Believe none of what you hear, and only half of what you see.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: New revert and first approach by a muslim guy

                Originally posted by NewRevert! View Post
                Hi everyone! I am new in this forum. I was born and raised in a strict conservative christian family but one year ago I reverted to Islam, alhamdulillah.

                I am now doing the research for my final MA thesis in a Middle Eastern country. I have been here for almost 7 months so far. Everything is so new and I have still much to learn. During my staying here I met a guy, at university. He was very welcoming and then curious about my reversion. One day I told him how I came back to Islam and since then we started talking a lot. About us, our countries, cultures and families. Never more than these simple conversations. Then, he asked me what I thought about marrying and settle down here and he expressed the desire to meet my family, in Europe. There is a great complicity between us and I would like him to meet my family.

                After some weeks, he changed idea and he said that he just would like to travel, but he doesn't want to meet my family because "he won't go that far". I felt sad and betrayed in some way, but I accepted it. I continued to work on my thesis.

                After some weeks, he changed idea again. He told me that he has been talking a lot about me to his parents and they expressed the desire to meet me. He invited me for dinner and I accepted (I felt rude to refuse). There were his parents, all his brothers and wives. They were really nice, kind and we spent a good time together. Then they expressed the desire to see me again. But I let the time pass as I don't want to attach more to people I have to leave soon. In the meantime, this guy told me again he would like to meet my family but he can't marry now. He needs some time (1-2 years). He already has a job and he is 26.

                In few days I will come back to Europe and I don't know what to think. My father is not muslim but he is really conservative. If I talk to him about a guy who likes me but who can't commit, he will explode, seriously.

                I have never been the type of girl who has texting relationships (he proposed me that when he knew about my departure) and I have never been in any kind of relationship so far.

                I don't have close muslim friends to whom seek for advice and I am worried that my christian friends won't give me the right advice. So I would like to hear some opinions.

                Thank you!

                To be honest, he sounds like an idiot. I would steer clear and delete him forever.

                A sound man would follow the protocol in a serious manner. But his constant mind changing is a clear indication of either immaturity or lack of interest.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: New revert and first approach by a muslim guy

                  Sister, go back home and inshaAllah, you can find someone there to marry and settle down. He will be from the same culture as you and already have citizenship.

                  As of now, this person you're taking to is just playing around and not serious at all. Don't get attached to someone like this.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: New revert and first approach by a muslim guy

                    Welcome to Islam sister! : )

                    Be VERY careful my dear sis. I'm not implying that this man has any ill intentions, but I doubt any sincere Muslim man would directly approach a Muslim woman face to face and chat with her without her family around unless he simply didn't know better. Many new Muslims and other Muslim women without family are often deceived by men who pretend to be pious.
                    Try knowing Islam as much as you can before thinking of getting married. But if you do come across someone who seems good, direct him to your family and trusted community leader/imam/scholar immediately. If he can't start from there, then don't trust him and stop talking to him. A Muslim man who respects a Muslim woman wouldn't play around but rather start things right.
                    But whatever you do, do NOT listen to any man who tells you that since your family isn't Muslim, that he would find you a "wali" and get married without telling anyone.
                    PLEASE PLEASE!


                    I wish you the best either way (marrying this particular man or someone else). May Allah help you get married to a pious Muslim man and make things easy.

                    Originally posted by NewRevert! View Post
                    Hi everyone! I am new in this forum. I was born and raised in a strict conservative christian family but one year ago I reverted to Islam, alhamdulillah.

                    I am now doing the research for my final MA thesis in a Middle Eastern country. I have been here for almost 7 months so far. Everything is so new and I have still much to learn. During my staying here I met a guy, at university. He was very welcoming and then curious about my reversion. One day I told him how I came back to Islam and since then we started talking a lot. About us, our countries, cultures and families. Never more than these simple conversations. Then, he asked me what I thought about marrying and settle down here and he expressed the desire to meet my family, in Europe. There is a great complicity between us and I would like him to meet my family.

                    After some weeks, he changed idea and he said that he just would like to travel, but he doesn't want to meet my family because "he won't go that far". I felt sad and betrayed in some way, but I accepted it. I continued to work on my thesis.

                    After some weeks, he changed idea again. He told me that he has been talking a lot about me to his parents and they expressed the desire to meet me. He invited me for dinner and I accepted (I felt rude to refuse). There were his parents, all his brothers and wives. They were really nice, kind and we spent a good time together. Then they expressed the desire to see me again. But I let the time pass as I don't want to attach more to people I have to leave soon. In the meantime, this guy told me again he would like to meet my family but he can't marry now. He needs some time (1-2 years). He already has a job and he is 26.

                    In few days I will come back to Europe and I don't know what to think. My father is not muslim but he is really conservative. If I talk to him about a guy who likes me but who can't commit, he will explode, seriously.

                    I have never been the type of girl who has texting relationships (he proposed me that when he knew about my departure) and I have never been in any kind of relationship so far.

                    I don't have close muslim friends to whom seek for advice and I am worried that my christian friends won't give me the right advice. So I would like to hear some opinions.

                    Thank you!
                    *"None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself."* [Al-Bukhari & Muslim]
                    "Mindless are those who only jump when told to jump, cry when told to cry, and laugh when told to laugh. Indeed, they are but sheep." TheStrivingUmmi

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: New revert and first approach by a muslim guy

                      Salam alaykum sister.
                      None of us here know how sincere this man may or may not be. I think he wanted to marry you when he first talked to you but likely didn't have the support of his family or hadn't spoken to them about you and was afraid to so he backed out by saying he 'wouldn't go that far'
                      Then it seems like he did in fact man up and talk to his family and that's why you were invited to that family dinner so they could all meet you and give him their approval. The fact that you had a good time with them and that they wanted to see you again seems like a good sign in terms of sincerity.
                      Remember this isn't exactly the most halal way of doing this. But then your circumstances are..somewhat unusual too. If he is actually serious about meeting your parents. that's actually a good sign in my opinion too. It does seem like he's taking it seriously. He also wanted to know how you would feel about settling in his country so he's not doing this for immigration i think it's safe to say.
                      BUT you might want to study up on his culture and marriage within that culture and see if that would do for you. For instance polygamy is more normal in some cultures there than in the west obviously so you may want to bear that in mind. Just things like that.
                      Also, about the 1-2 years wait time. Just let him know clearly that your dad would not be up for that. Make sure he knows that even though your family isn't muslim they're still a strong support system for you and have your back and they will be involved in this process of you getting married.
                      See what he says/does

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: New revert and first approach by a muslim guy

                        Love how all the women here are telling her to leave him, when in fact a number of threads keep popping up of women not being able to find husbands.

                        Look OP, nobody knows the guy better that you .. it's true some men will try to use you, but this guy invited you to his house to meet his family (that tells you something) so just don't do anything haram (I mean sexual stuff) and you will be safe and you wont have regrets.

                        What you should do in my opinion:
                        1- Tell him that you will give him maximum a year for him to marry you or you will leave.
                        2- Tell him that you should get engaged within the next 6 months so he doesnt keep you waiting without any commitment.
                        3- He has to meet your parents soon or its a no go.

                        Anyways good luck with your life

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: New revert and first approach by a muslim guy

                          Originally posted by TCKMuslima View Post
                          Salam alaykum sister.
                          None of us here know how sincere this man may or may not be. I think he wanted to marry you when he first talked to you but likely didn't have the support of his family or hadn't spoken to them about you and was afraid to so he backed out by saying he 'wouldn't go that far'
                          Then it seems like he did in fact man up and talk to his family and that's why you were invited to that family dinner so they could all meet you and give him their approval. The fact that you had a good time with them and that they wanted to see you again seems like a good sign in terms of sincerity.
                          Remember this isn't exactly the most halal way of doing this. But then your circumstances are..somewhat unusual too. If he is actually serious about meeting your parents. that's actually a good sign in my opinion too. It does seem like he's taking it seriously. He also wanted to know how you would feel about settling in his country so he's not doing this for immigration i think it's safe to say.
                          BUT you might want to study up on his culture and marriage within that culture and see if that would do for you. For instance polygamy is more normal in some cultures there than in the west obviously so you may want to bear that in mind. Just things like that.
                          Also, about the 1-2 years wait time. Just let him know clearly that your dad would not be up for that. Make sure he knows that even though your family isn't muslim they're still a strong support system for you and have your back and they will be involved in this process of you getting married.
                          See what he says/does

                          This is actually a more well balanced and less biased view.

                          I think the sister should also ensure he is not already married too!

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by In my Opinion View Post
                            Originally posted by TCKMuslima View Post
                            Salam alaykum sister.
                            None of us here know how sincere this man may or may not be. I think he wanted to marry you when he first talked to you but likely didn't have the support of his family or hadn't spoken to them about you and was afraid to so he backed out by saying he 'wouldn't go that far'
                            Then it seems like he did in fact man up and talk to his family and that's why you were invited to that family dinner so they could all meet you and give him their approval. The fact that you had a good time with them and that they wanted to see you again seems like a good sign in terms of sincerity.
                            Remember this isn't exactly the most halal way of doing this. But then your circumstances are..somewhat unusual too. If he is actually serious about meeting your parents. that's actually a good sign in my opinion too. It does seem like he's taking it seriously. He also wanted to know how you would feel about settling in his country so he's not doing this for immigration i think it's safe to say.
                            BUT you might want to study up on his culture and marriage within that culture and see if that would do for you. For instance polygamy is more normal in some cultures there than in the west obviously so you may want to bear that in mind. Just things like that.
                            Also, about the 1-2 years wait time. Just let him know clearly that your dad would not be up for that. Make sure he knows that even though your family isn't muslim they're still a strong support system for you and have your back and they will be involved in this process of you getting married.
                            See what he says/does

                            This is actually a more well balanced and less biased view.

                            I think the sister should also ensure he is not already married too!
                            How do you know she's not OK with being a second (or third/fourth) wife?
                            You think you know more than my scholar's qiyās? He was more learned than you and all other scholars combined. Yeah, the devil was the greatest scholar too and look where his qiyās of fire being better than tīn got him. Sorry.

                            You follow your scholar's qiyās, and I will follow the Qur'ān and Sunnah.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: New revert and first approach by a muslim guy

                              Originally posted by Oum Soumayyah View Post
                              W
                              But whatever you do, do NOT listen to any man who tells you that since your family isn't Muslim, that he would find you a "wali" and get married without telling anyone.
                              PLEASE PLEASE!


                              I wish you the best either way (marrying this particular man or someone else). May Allah help you get married to a pious Muslim man and make things easy.
                              I second the part in red, also do not appoint an imam wali who happens to be the best friend of your future husband....this causes more problems...learn about women's rights in Islam as it seems some Muslim men may take advantage of a revert as they think they don't know about women's rights in Islam. There are big differences between cultural expectations and Islamic ones...
                              Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

                              Comment

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