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  • Staying in an unhappy marriage because of kids?

    Salam

    So...would you stay in an unhappy marriage because you have children? When I say unhappy, I mean there is zero love in the marriage, the husband does his own thing doesn't spend time with wife or child and the wife is much happier when the husband is at work. this probably sounds normal to some of you, lol, but Its having a huge impact on the mental wellbeing of the wife.
    https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

  • #2
    Re: Staying in an unhappy marriage because of kids?

    Love has many definitions. Not all of us are blessed to have some sort of earth-shattering tale of romance and you can search your whole life and never find that. Those people who have that, well its in their destiny.

    A man and a woman, creating children together and co-habitating is a form of love in itself. Marriage goes through cycles. Not even two weeks ago İ was borderline hating my husband do to our differences, fast-forward to now we are back in harmony. Some cycles are shorter than others.

    İf a couple feels theres no love in the marriage its due to either:

    1. Somebody has changed in character over-time so that who they are now doesnt feel like the same as before
    2. The person has a character/personality that is craving action and suspense or they are very clingy and needy and thus never feel satisfied in the day-to-day married life
    3. One or both partners failed to make marriage exciting, they got into routines and habits and thus overtime disconnected from each other.
    4. Some other clever reason İ cant come up with

    Yes İ would stay in that marriage. Marriage is not all sunshine and flowers, if my marriage is lacking in passion then İ will step up as a woman and create that. İf he and İ are not communicating than İ will be the hero to change that. İ will Show and teach my kids that you can weather through the hard times so that when they get married they will have the insight to do the same. İ will not quit or just give in to a life of boredom and become a slave to my own sorrow, my children would need a leader and a leader doesnt live through harmony 100% of the time. İts through the rough/boring parts of life where the true spirit of a person shines.

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    • #3
      Re: Staying in an unhappy marriage because of kids?

      Originally posted by Layla_ View Post
      Salam

      So...would you stay in an unhappy marriage because you have children? When I say unhappy, I mean there is zero love in the marriage, the husband does his own thing doesn't spend time with wife or child and the wife is much happier when the husband is at work. this probably sounds normal to some of you, lol, but Its having a huge impact on the mental wellbeing of the wife.
      Umar :RA: has said: "Not all houses are built on love."

      So if love be absent, let humanity rule in its place."

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Staying in an unhappy marriage because of kids?

        Sister, Allah is the one who puts love between the spouses. So make du'aa to Allah and seek help from Allah.

        Make your goal the Hereafter and busy yourself with that.

        Allah knows what is causing you to be unhappy or if your husband feels the same way. But when you marry, marry for the sake of Allah and to benefit your Hereafter. And if you divorce, divorce for the sake of Allah (if staying in a marriage will hurt your Hereafter). If that's not the case, and you want a divorce just because you aren't happy and you're thinking the "grass is always greener" type mentality, then I don't think it's even allowed for you to ask for a divorce or separate yourself from him.

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        • #5
          Re: Staying in an unhappy marriage because of kids?

          Originally posted by Siraj al-Din View Post
          Umar :RA: has said: "Not all houses are built on love."

          So if love be absent, let humanity rule in its place."
          1000000 point for u brother, I was gona the same.

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          • #6
            Re: Staying in an unhappy marriage because of kids?

            Jazakallah for the responses.

            The problem is that my husband is very very arrogant - it's a huge issue. When I say loveless marriage, I get insulted all the time, things like why don't I die and why don't I get cancer authobillah. My husband is 'religious' so when he utters such stuff to me (on a regular basis might I add) and he says it with such venom as though he really means it, I just think why am I in this marriage.

            All he thinks about is food lol. (Not really funny but...) as an example, I thought I was in labour and was having bad pains and I mean really bad and all he could do is ask where's the food and despite me telling him that look I think I'm in labour he didn't care and after eating went to his parents! Leaving me to wither in my pain whilst looking after our child.

            There's so much more. I've not been happy since I got married but I've just rode it out.
            https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Staying in an unhappy marriage because of kids?

              Originally posted by Layla_ View Post
              Jazakallah for the responses.

              The problem is that my husband is very very arrogant - it's a huge issue. When I say loveless marriage, I get insulted all the time, things like why don't I die and why don't I get cancer authobillah. My husband is 'religious' so when he utters such stuff to me (on a regular basis might I add) and he says it with such venom as though he really means it, I just think why am I in this marriage.

              All he thinks about is food lol. (Not really funny but...) as an example, I thought I was in labour and was having bad pains and I mean really bad and all he could do is ask where's the food and despite me telling him that look I think I'm in labour he didn't care and after eating went to his parents! Leaving me to wither in my pain whilst looking after our child.

              There's so much more. I've not been happy since I got married but I've just rode it out.
              All that sounds terrible, but it sounds much worse when you take it out of the context it was in i.e. what happened before the incident and what happened afterwards, or if he said it in a moment of intense anger then later regretted it, or if you said something to him for him to respond to you that way.

              One thing I can say is that when men don't get respect from their wives, or if the wife tries to 'train' him or change him or she naggs him all the time-- or if she says hurtful things to him while he is nice, he turns on his wife and then turns into a monster for her.

              May Allah rectify your affairs and guide your husband to control his tongue.
              Last edited by Abu Abdur_Rahman; 14-04-16, 10:57 AM.

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              • #8
                Re: Staying in an unhappy marriage because of kids?

                Try everything you can to fix your marriage - you must've had many good reasons to marry this person...surely they're just being clouded by current issues.

                Determine whether these issues/abuses are out of character and then talk it through. You need to sit and plan a resolution together and air your concerns, no one lives in a vacuum.

                Your children when small are to some extent protected from the direct affect of these issues but as they grow up then it'll be detrimental to their character/confidence building. You can't have perpetual sabr in a situation that doesn't change which is making you mentally and emotionally unwell- this will affect your care for your little ones (your mood determines how much energy and patience you'll have for them).

                Although love is not necessarily required...respect, peace of mind and communication are the corner stones of a fulfilling union.

                May Allah ease your affairs and fix your marriage - ameen.
                ‘If only I had done such-and-such, then such-and-such would have happened.’ Rather you should say, ‘Qaddara Allah wa ma sha a fa’ala (Allah decrees, and what He wills He does),’ for (the words) ‘If only’ open the door to the Shaytan.” (Narrated by Muslim).

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                • #9
                  Re: Staying in an unhappy marriage because of kids?

                  Originally posted by Layla_ View Post
                  Salam

                  So...would you stay in an unhappy marriage because you have children?
                  When I say unhappy, I mean there is zero love in the marriage, the husband does his own thing doesn't spend time with wife or child and the wife is much happier when the husband is at work. this probably sounds normal to some of you, lol, but Its having a huge impact on the mental wellbeing of the wife.
                  First, I am not married so what I say should be taken with a grain of salt as we sometimes strongly believe we would so such and such in a given situation only to act completely differently when it happens, but since you asked the answer is.

                  No.
                  Watch those eyes

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Staying in an unhappy marriage because of kids?

                    Those experiences are not the characteristic of a "religious" man.

                    A snakes venom does not just litter the earth rather it comes out after they strike. So why is he striking? Are there any sort of arguments? Are you doing anything to provoke him or is he just a wounded lion stuck with a thorn and turning into a spiteful person.

                    It sounds like your husband hasnt learned exactly what a wife is? I mean you dont even have to cook for him İslamically...its rather a luxury. This sounds a lot like some backwards culturalisms that cannot survive in a modern World.

                    Yet İ would still stay in that marriage because despite the emotional abuse there are double-triple that type of abuse in others lives and this situation can be remedied. I would rather seek the ajar of helping this man than to leave him to an uncertain future. Take good care to stay away from negativity because children learn by example and its incumbent upon you to make sure your children do not learn that way. This situation isnt lost, it is just ill and needs medication.

                    Maybe riding it out was your fault? (saying this respectfully not accusatory) Men like this dont change overnight, rather little by little they start to crack...do some self-reflection when did all of this spiral into today? Did you allow any misbehavior/ill-treatment that let him think this sort of thing is acceptable. Im quite sure he thinks his behavior towards you is justified...finding out why he justifies it is a clue to solving these problems.

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                    • #11
                      Re: Staying in an unhappy marriage because of kids?

                      Originally posted by A.Basheer View Post
                      All that sounds terrible, but it sounds much worse when you take it out of the context it was in i.e. what happened before the incident and what happened afterwards, or if he said it in a moment of intense anger then later regretted it, or if you said something to him for him to respond to you that way.

                      One thing I can say is that when men don't get respect from their wives, or if the wife tries to 'train' him or change him or she naggs him all the time-- or if she says hurtful things to him while he is nice, he turns on his wife and then turns into a monster for her.

                      May Allah rectify your affairs and guide your husband to control his tongue.
                      What happened before the incident was that he went to buy food for us but didn't get anything for our child who couldn't eat our food as for some odd reason he decided to drench it with chilli sauce. So the little one is asking dad to make w sand which and because he had to get up to make it he said all that to me. And he does it a lot and the worse thing is that he says it like he really means it

                      I don't try to train or change my husband however, sometimes if there is something that needs to be done around the house which I can't do and I ask him politely to do it, he doesn't and his reason is because I asked him to do it! He will say I don't listen to women so no I won't do it!
                      https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Staying in an unhappy marriage because of kids?

                        Step back and look at your situation. Why is the love missing in your marriage, why does your husband says these things to you? I am not condoning his behaviour but what is in your control first and foremost, is yourself. So how has your behaviour been over the years in the marriage and is there a reason for why he might be treating you in this way/is very cold? This sounds like a build up over many years in a difficult marriage where two people have not understood one other, to me. Could be wrong.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Staying in an unhappy marriage because of kids?

                          Originally posted by Anthanasia View Post
                          Those experiences are not the characteristic of a "religious" man.

                          A snakes venom does not just litter the earth rather it comes out after they strike. So why is he striking? Are there any sort of arguments? Are you doing anything to provoke him or is he just a wounded lion stuck with a thorn and turning into a spiteful person.

                          It sounds like your husband hasnt learned exactly what a wife is? I mean you dont even have to cook for him İslamically...its rather a luxury. This sounds a lot like some backwards culturalisms that cannot survive in a modern World.

                          Yet İ would still stay in that marriage because despite the emotional abuse there are double-triple that type of abuse in others lives and this situation can be remedied. I would rather seek the ajar of helping this man than to leave him to an uncertain future. Take good care to stay away from negativity because children learn by example and its incumbent upon you to make sure your children do not learn that way. This situation isnt lost, it is just ill and needs medication.

                          Maybe riding it out was your fault? (saying this respectfully not accusatory) Men like this dont change overnight, rather little by little they start to crack...do some self-reflection when did all of this spiral into today? Did you allow any misbehavior/ill-treatment that let him think this sort of thing is acceptable. Im quite sure he thinks his behavior towards you is justified...finding out why he justifies it is a clue to solving these problems.
                          Yes he doesn't act like a religious man at home however outside in front of others he likes to act very holy. No, he just doesn't like whatever I do. If he comes home from work and I speak to him he tells me to shut up and that I'm annoying when all I ask is how's ur day how's work etc. he then says he needs a piece of mind but come on, u ain't seen ur wife and kid all day surely u can sit with them and have family time for 5 mins?!

                          When he comes home, my child doesn't even go to him and asks for me that's despite spending ALL day with me, surely that's saying something.

                          He thinks he can treat me how he wants because I will never leave him. He knows I have no family to turn to, no relatives to stay with etc so he acts like this. Others have noticed his behaviour towards me including his own MUM and brother but the problem with my MIL is that she will be on my side but when things get bad she will blame everything on me so she can be very two faced
                          https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

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                          • #14
                            Re: Staying in an unhappy marriage because of kids?

                            Originally posted by Nafs al Tawabah View Post
                            Try everything you can to fix your marriage - you must've had many good reasons to marry this person...surely they're just being clouded by current issues.

                            Determine whether these issues/abuses are out of character and then talk it through. You need to sit and plan a resolution together and air your concerns, no one lives in a vacuum.

                            Your children when small are to some extent protected from the direct affect of these issues but as they grow up then it'll be detrimental to their character/confidence building. You can't have perpetual sabr in a situation that doesn't change which is making you mentally and emotionally unwell- this will affect your care for your little ones (your mood determines how much energy and patience you'll have for them).

                            Although love is not necessarily required...respect, peace of mind and communication are the corner stones of a fulfilling union.

                            May Allah ease your affairs and fix your marriage - ameen.

                            My many good reasons for marrying him was piety and Allah is my witness. He didn't have money, cars a house etc but honestly I married him thinking he is so pious and that's the only reason. When we got married I realised that actually he wasn't all that pious and he just looked it and when I told him that he should do certain acts of worship ie pray ur sun nah prayers he would act arrogant as though who am I to tell him or advice him in affairs of the deen

                            No, they are not out of character, I've come to realise he has zero friends even his own brother doesn't get along with him because of his character. When I tell him he says oh this is the way I am I will never change. I've changed everything, yet he can't even smile when he comes home because 'this is my character and this is how I am'
                            https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

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                            • #15
                              Re: Staying in an unhappy marriage because of kids?

                              Originally posted by Nawar View Post
                              Step back and look at your situation. Why is the love missing in your marriage, why does your husband says these things to you? I am not condoning his behaviour but what is in your control first and foremost, is yourself. So how has your behaviour been over the years in the marriage and is there a reason for why he might be treating you in this way/is very cold? This sounds like a build up over many years in a difficult marriage where two people have not understood one other, to me. Could be wrong.
                              He's always been horrible to me. After one week of marriage I thought what on earth have I done but I thought il make it work and it's gradually gotten worse. The love is missing because he is selfish - he only likes to do his own thing and doesn't like spending time (or money) on us. The funny thing is that he always tell his family how he's lucky to have me and all that so its not a case of me making him behaving in a certain manner. As of late yes, I have had enough of him so we get into slanging matches but the things he says to me are nowhere as bad as what he says to me.

                              For example. If I leave him il get raped, come on, which man who acts so pious says these kind of things to their wife
                              https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

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