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very fustrated in my marriage

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  • Atwork.
    replied
    Re: very fustrated in my marriage

    Originally posted by birdmanrots View Post
    You're husband doesn't need to buy separate accommodation. Some scholar say a room with lock and key is deemed as 'separate accommodation'
    And other scholars say otherwise. So going by your logic, yes he is required to buy a separate accommodation for his wife.

    Leave a comment:


  • birdmanrots
    replied
    Re: very fustrated in my marriage

    You're husband doesn't need to buy separate accommodation. Some scholar say a room with lock and key is deemed as 'separate accommodation'

    Leave a comment:


  • Muslim1415
    replied
    Re: very fustrated in my marriage

    Salaam,

    Cant you get a flat or something cheap? does it have to be a proper house? at least then you get privacy and make the interior as nice as you like.

    Leave a comment:


  • R123
    replied
    Re: very fustrated in my marriage

    Tell him that you feel you have no privacy and some of the demands are becoming overwhelming. At the of the day, its still your life. Its good to have family around, but they shouldn't be so involved in your marriage. Even if he lived away, it doesn't mean he can't visit and take care of them. If you're also thinking about having children, surely they will need their own space, especially when they grow up. If he still doesn't understand, then I think you will have to say, you may need to consider other options then. I am not advocating divorce, but obviously if you cannot sort out these issues and you become more distant from your husband because of it, then that's a real shame.

    Leave a comment:


  • Green786
    replied
    Re: very fustrated in my marriage

    Look the sister has come here for advice and I don't think stating the obvious is going to help. I guess what everyone was saying was that you must have known what your husband's plans were regarding moving out before you married him. Unfortunately men do not always fullfil their duties by providing a home for his wife. Living with in laws is very hard. Most of these men are mummy's boys. You have to be patient and if gets too much then you will need to make a tough decision whether you still want to make this marriage work or not.

    Leave a comment:


  • Fragile
    replied
    Re: very fustrated in my marriage

    There's too many me, myself and I on here.. That says a lot about why you feel like so.

    Leave a comment:


  • slaveuk
    replied
    Re: very fustrated in my marriage

    Originally posted by ~TwinklingStar~ View Post

    A wife has the ability to convince & persuade her husband however she wishes. But that requires certain tact & skill. So, work it out to your advantage in a manner which does not decrease his love for you in the slightest degree.

    All the best.
    This is one of the best statements I have ever heard. As a man, I can vouch that this is 100% true. However it requires you to swallow your pride. May Allah make it easy for you.

    Leave a comment:


  • ~TwinklingStar~
    replied
    Re: very fustrated in my marriage

    Ask your husband to give you an approximate time-frame (weeks, months, years) regarding when he intends to move out. Once he does, stop nagging him.

    You should remind him that even if you both live separately, he can still be a dutiful son & fulfill his obligations towards his parents, siblings etc. Moving out does not imply disrespect of any sort. If there are non-mehrams living under one roof, it is praiseworthy.

    A wife has the ability to convince & persuade her husband however she wishes. But that requires certain tact & skill. So, work it out to your advantage in a manner which does not decrease his love for you in the slightest degree.

    All the best.

    Leave a comment:


  • Muslima London
    replied
    Re: very fustrated in my marriage

    wa alaykum salam OP
    just be gfateful for what you actually have. It seems there is nothing to complain about but you have found things to complain about and are now feeling 'hard done by'

    YOU have a house. its only a matter of time before you move in. Why don't you be a bit patient and say Alhamdulillah for what you have and stop crying over what you don't have YET.

    you paint a pretty perfect picture of your marriage. So, you don't have your own place yet. is life supposed to be that perfect??? Sometimes we have to wait for Allah swt to bless us with things, and in the meantime we just have to make lots of dua and trust that Allah swt will give it to us when it is right for us

    Leave a comment:


  • Abu Abdur_Rahman
    replied
    Re: very fustrated in my marriage

    Sister, first of all, you should know know that a separate accommodation for the wife is part of her rights according to Islam, and the husband must fulfill that if that is what the wife wants. Also, it's not allowed for his brother to see you and be alone with you in the house.

    With that said, I am very sorry to hear you feel this way, in fact, I can't feel but have a very negative view on this

    Do you know what kind of hell certain couples go through due to the interference of other people such as the in laws, etc? And here you are, living with your husband's family whom you described as being very good and loving, but you are complaining about what seems are trivial things. If they aren't so trivial, and they really do affect you and your marital relationship, then what else do you expect when living in a communal home? Lack of privacy and thin walls are what it all comes with. Are you seeking perfection? A house full of people cannot be perfect. Again, look at what some women have to deal with their in laws.

    The stuff you mentioned about being emotionally detached from him is all normal. You both have to try and liven things up and seek to build on your love. Again, look at what certain people have to deal with, and all you complain about is you two doing your own thing in the room?

    Is this what marriage is? A bunch of roses and flowers and bursting feelings of love? And if not, either the wife or the husband wants out?
    Last edited by Abu Abdur_Rahman; 13-05-16, 02:01 AM.

    Leave a comment:


  • cee
    replied
    Re: very fustrated in my marriage

    I can completely relate to this,

    my husband promised me a house after marriage 3 years later he said he doesn't want a home with me and has chosen to kick me out and stay at home with his parents/ sisters/ brother

    3 years I have done nothing but love him and give my life to him- I work/ cook/ clean and look after his family yet his grounds for kicking me out are - I don't do enough. yes I never formed a bond with my mil/ sils but that's because we are different people but I never disrespected them.

    I now live in limbo - he never gave me a divorce yet has not contacted me since the night he kicked me out.

    Leave a comment:


  • xyz1989
    started a topic very fustrated in my marriage

    very fustrated in my marriage

    assalamualaykum, brothers and sisters. I am not sure where to exactly start because there is so much I want to release. i have been married now for over 2 and a half years. my spouse is a very caring good natured person, has a fantastic job and i married in to a wonderful family, yet I feel so emotionally detached in my marriage. before I got married I agreed to live with my husbands family, as i felt it a good idea to build a relationship with them. Myself and my husband were very lucky to have bought a house straight after marriage but i think that is where the problems may have started. Living in his parent's house was not such an issue at the beginning, as I knew that the eventuality would be that we move out. however, 1 year became 2 years and so forth and my husband never found the drive to move out. this only added to some of my resentment, every time i suggested the idea of having any work done he never wanted it doing, saying the house was in good enough condition to live in. after silly arguments i gave up on the idea after his parents got involved and advised us against having any work done right now. Roll on two years and he has agreed to getting work done but again it's taking forever.

    I feel as though i have come to build some sort of resentment up around my frustration to want to move out. i do my bit in the house while working full time and i'm never disrespectful to my family members, but because of my frustration i can sometimes take it out on my husband which i know is very wrong. however my frustration has stemmed from many things that i feel very strongly about. some of these include the inability of myself and my husband to do things we want to do when we want as a couple in the house because of his responsibilities to his family, the lack of any privacy as a couple, (and this includes in our bedroom as the walls are so paper thin family members hear everything), the constant need and want by his family to burden only my husband with responsibilities (even though i have a brother in law living at home), myself and my husband never sit to eat dinner together, or breakfast, we never sit downstairs and watch TV because someone might walk in according to him, we now only ever stay in our room and even then i'm either on my phone or he is (conversation can be lacking and we have come to do our own thing), he's forgotten about doing things together like going out or even buying gifts (maybe materialistic to some but he used to do this at the beginning of my marriage) even though i make the effort to suggest we keep doing this so we get time as a couple.

    Even though my family are amazing i feel like i really don't have a sister/mother relationship with my MIL or SIL's we only ever talk about trivial things but never anything deep (something that really upsets me considering i've been living there all this time certain conversations are whispered among my sister in laws or mother in law or other private matters may involve my husband but never myself), the lack of wanting to spend time together as a family to build relationships or bridges (I've just come to accept that people in the family like there own space) i also feel like i do a lot for them but never really get anything in return to say thank you. with regards to my family i get on with them, apart from what i've mentioned, however the issues surrounding myself and my spouse is straining our relationship, mostly because of my growing frustration and maybe his inability to see that anything is actually wrong.

    i truly feel if we were on our own then things between us would be a lot better. i understand his responsibility to his parents but sometimes i wonder if he forgets he has a responsibility to me too. i try to compromise on a lot of things, but having to compromise all the time is becoming harder, and i try to be patient. i've tried talking to him before, he say's we will move out eventually but feels like there isn't actually anything wrong with us two. he gets annoyed when i question his responsibilities saying as the eldest son he will never stop doing things for his family. i just feel like i'm getting emotionally detached from my husband because i don't think he understands how i truly feel, emotionally. my question is what do i do from here because now i really don't know. Jzk.
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