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  • Long engagement

    Salam
    So basically, I'm 19, turning 20 - and I'm looking into getting married. I haven't had any potentials and finding any is quite a task!

    Is it unislamic to want to have a long engagement (from one year to two years) to truly make a friend of your spouse before marrying. I'm a bit autustic (not severely, I get ya jokes fam), and would feel more comfortable with I know. I'd want to understand the deen similarly and have something in commom other than faith.

    Is this too high standards? Unislamic? what's your opinion.

  • #2
    Re: Long engagement

    Originally posted by maija View Post
    Salam
    So basically, I'm 19, turning 20 - and I'm looking into getting married. I haven't had any potentials and finding any is quite a task!

    Is it unislamic to want to have a long engagement (from one year to two years) to truly make a friend of your spouse before marrying. I'm a bit autustic (not severely, I get ya jokes fam), and would feel more comfortable with I know. I'd want to understand the deen similarly and have something in commom other than faith.

    Is this too high standards? Unislamic? what's your opinion.
    Walaykum salam

    If only you were a few years younger, Id know just the right person for you lol.

    And yeah any relationship out of marriage with a non mahram man is haram. As for the thing about faith in common then of course thats not the only thing that is sought in a spouse but sadly many people today forget.

    In Islam there is something called Kafah which means suitability and theres more to it than just the two of you being Muslim, its to do with lineage, profession, etc

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    • #3
      Re: Long engagement

      No trap him before he has a way out

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      • #4
        Re: Long engagement

        Originally posted by Umar123 View Post
        Walaykum salam

        If only you were a few years younger, Id know just the right person for you lol.

        And yeah any relationship out of marriage with a non mahram man is haram. As for the thing about faith in common then of course thats not the only thing that is sought in a spouse but sadly many people today forget.

        In Islam there is something called Kafah which means suitability and theres more to it than just the two of you being Muslim, its to do with lineage, profession, etc
        I don't mean a friendship before marriage. More like to know each other in a suitable way, always in company of mahram etc. Just a long engagement basically.

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        • #5
          Re: Long engagement

          I don't think it's unislamic but I highly dislike long engagements especially if you and the poteinal live close to each other. Fitna is strong especially in engagements it's starts with holding hands, than a kiss and before you know it your pregnant before marriage. This is just my opinion
          Don't depend too much on anyone in this world because even your own shadow leaves you when you are in the darkness

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          • #6
            Re: Long engagement

            Originally posted by maija View Post
            I don't mean a friendship before marriage. More like to know each other in a suitable way, always in company of mahram etc. Just a long engagement basically.
            Well if you've found the right match and you feel it will work with him then yeah you can ask each other questions and talk as much is necessary to determine if they are the right on in the presence of mahatmas. But until the Nikah is done he is a ghayr mehram just like any other guy out there and so the rulings still apply.

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            • #7
              Re: Long engagement

              Originally posted by Allah's_Servant View Post
              I don't think it's unislamic but I highly dislike long engagements especially if you and the poteinal live close to each other. Fitna is strong especially in engagements it's starts with holding hands, than a kiss and before you know it your pregnant before marriage. This is just my opinion
              Yeah I agree, he is still a ghayr mehram until the nikah is done.

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              • #8
                Re: Long engagement

                Originally posted by Umar123 View Post
                Yeah I agree, he is still a ghayr mehram until the nikah is done.
                In Falasteen we do something very weird we go to the Sheikh get the nikah done but even though we are halal for each other we do not call each other husband and wife rather we say we are still engaged and we wait until we make it known to people (like have a big wedding and everything) THAN we call each other husband and wife and start acting like it (ex. Relations and living together) the reason why we do nikah is exactly for this reason JUST in case we do have relations or kiss or hold hands before we make it known to people we will still be halal for each other and it won't be haram
                Last edited by Allah's_Servant; 17-11-15, 11:48 PM. Reason: Spelling mistakes >_<
                Don't depend too much on anyone in this world because even your own shadow leaves you when you are in the darkness

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                • #9
                  Re: Long engagement

                  Originally posted by Allah's_Servant View Post
                  In Falasteen we do something very weird we go to the Sheikh get the nikah done but even though we are halal for each other we do not call each other husband and wife rather we say we are still engaged and we wait until we make it known to people (like have a big wedding and everything) THAN we call Evan other husband and wife and start acting like it (ex. Relations and living together) the reason why we do nikah is exactly for this reason JUST in case we do hear relations or kiss or hold hands before we make it known to people we will still be halal for each other and it won't be haram
                  Lol thats strange. We do Nikah at the actual wedding, everyone is there and we call the Imam to do it and the contract is done.

                  By the way, do you take two witnesses with you when you go to the Imam?

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                  • #10
                    Re: Long engagement

                    Originally posted by Umar123 View Post
                    Lol thats strange. We do Nikah at the actual wedding, everyone is there and we call the Imam to do it and the contract is done.

                    By the way, do you take two witnesses with you when you go to the Imam?
                    I know it's weird to some lol i didn't even know it was strange till I told a Somali sister and she told me that it was very strange :p

                    Yes of course I had more than two witnesses but the sheikh only asked for two.
                    Don't depend too much on anyone in this world because even your own shadow leaves you when you are in the darkness

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Allah's_Servant View Post

                      In Falasteen we do something very weird we go to the Sheikh get the nikah done but even though we are halal for each other we do not call each other husband and wife rather we say we are still engaged and we wait until we make it known to people (like have a big wedding and everything) THAN we call Evan other husband and wife and start acting like it (ex. Relations and living together) the reason why we do nikah is exactly for this reason JUST in case we do hear relations or kiss or hold hands before we make it known to people we will still be halal for each other and it won't be haram
                      Another Palestinian sister was describing this as a way to get know them before making it official, hence calling it just an engagement. I find this kind of odd. You won't really know someone until you live with them, so what's the point?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Long engagement

                        Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
                        Another Palestinian sister was describing this. I find this kind of odd. You won't really know someone until you live with them, so what's the point?
                        The point is this. Say your engagement is really long say 5 years (yes I've seen people engaged this long) than this will ensure that if you do anything that it won't be haram since you already had your nikah done. This also allows you to know the person she can come over or you can come over and both of you can sit alone and have one on one time to understand each other. The only downside is that if during the engagement you two decide you no longer want to marry each other you have to have a divorce but the upside to that is you won't have kids and both of you will still be virgins and not have wasted your virginty on someone will you not spend the rest of your life with.
                        Don't depend too much on anyone in this world because even your own shadow leaves you when you are in the darkness

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Long engagement

                          Originally posted by Allah's_Servant View Post
                          In Falasteen we do something very weird we go to the Sheikh get the nikah done but even though we are halal for each other we do not call each other husband and wife rather we say we are still engaged and we wait until we make it known to people (like have a big wedding and everything) THAN we call Evan other husband and wife and start acting like it (ex. Relations and living together) the reason why we do nikah is exactly for this reason JUST in case we do hear relations or kiss or hold hands before we make it known to people we will still be halal for each other and it won't be haram
                          This is the first I've heard of having such a nikah. We just have the nikah on the wedding day or perhaps a week earlier ...makes more sense.
                          You learn something new everyday lol

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                          • #14

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                            • #15
                              Re: Long engagement

                              Wa Alaykumussalam sister,
                              I personally think its better not to have a long engagement. It can make people feel 'official' but they're not mahram to each other yet.
                              Imo, determine religiousness, character, compatibility n attraction (meeting with the wali of course), n then get a Nikkah done
                              The walima/ wedding celebration can be done afterwards, but when the Nikkah's outta the way, y'all can hang out etc.
                              And with Him are the keys of the Ghayb (all that is hidden), none knows them but He. And He knows whatever there is in the land and in the sea; not a leaf falls, but He knows it. There is not a grain in the darkness of the earth nor anything fresh or dry, but is written in a Clear Record”
                              [al-An’aam 6:59]

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