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  • convert Muslim. Scared of getting married the Islamic way

    I'm from the U.S and like most Americans was raised non religious (or atleast had a non religious outlook on life). I used to bounce around from agnostic, Christian, and atheist but at 25 became Muslim. I've always been more of a relationship kind of guy rather than a sleep around type (although I've lived that life style somewhat too), I prefer a relationship. I've been single since becoming a Muslim and I want a "companion" but the thought of an Islamic marriage scares the daylights out of me (not being able to spend much time with her before marriage, so much socializing restrictions until we are officially married, having to get parents approval inorder to marry, etc etc). Before Islam I would just let things happen. I was never interested in marriage. I was the type who thought marriage complicates things/ it's just a piece of paper etc. I don't like meeting the family members or really dating someone I don't know since I have social anxiety until I warm up to someone. The idea of asking someone "hey wanna get married?" sounds insane to me. Or, I hear you can have dates in public places a few times a week until the parents allow you to marry. These things are non westernized and is totally out of my comfort zone. I'm used to just letting myself fall for someone when it feels right, decide to make it official after getting to REALLY know each other and eventually when WE WANT, show each other to the family and my family isn't close so usually I'd date a girl for years without my family knowing I even had a gf. This all spooks me and I could use some advice/ words of encouragement or some point blank reality check or something. Any help please jazakallah heir.

  • #2
    Re: convert Muslim. Scared of getting married the Islamic way

    Assalamu alaykum brother, I hope someone can give you some beneficial advice...

    I just wanted to say probably a lot of us Muslims feel the same way in that we have no idea how things will be. We just get as much information as possible, make a lot of dua, especially the dua of istikhara and then trust God to grant what's best.

    Obviously, for many of us, our expectations of marriage are little different to none Muslims and we won't have had the non-muslim type of interaction (hopefully!), so yeah... I can see how things might be a little tougher for you.

    There are a couple of revert brothers/sisters who are married, Inshallah, they'll give you some positive input.

    Allah Ta'aalaa keep you well, dear brother.
    Salam.
    LAA ILAAHA ILLALLAH
    -------------------------------
    "And if you would count the graces of God, never could you be able to count them. Truly, God is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." (Qur'aan 16:18)
    NOTE: Please kindly do NOT rep my posts. (Jazaa'akumullah).

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    • #3
      Re: convert Muslim. Scared of getting married the Islamic way

      That way you're gonna find a woman with no haya, do you want such a woman to be the mother of your children?
      You think you know more than my scholar's qiyās? He was more learned than you and all other scholars combined. Yeah, the devil was the greatest scholar too and look where his qiyās of fire being better than tīn got him. Sorry.

      You follow your scholar's qiyās, and I will follow the Qur'ān and Sunnah.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: convert Muslim. Scared of getting married the Islamic way

        Why am I feeling so paranoid
        Please Please Please Make Dua for these [URL="http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?455964-Plz-Make-Dua-for-these-members&p=6715010&viewfull=1#post6715010"]Click Here[/URL] JazakAllahi

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        • #5
          Re: convert Muslim. Scared of getting married the Islamic way

          No one says that you should marry blindly, rather Islam has some advices for marriage that you can not implement them unless you know your future wife well. So there are somethings that we can understand and there are somethings that we can not understand before marriage. We are not living in heaven, we should rely on Allah and on ourselves.
          Your relation with the other gender for getting familiar with each other should not lead to emotional disasters. Remember that it is very hard that you miss your wife when you have relied on. It is hugely an emotional disaster. I have seen such people a lot. Even one of them decided to become a priest and not marry again !
          This happens a lot in western culture, I do not prescribe eastern culture though, just a limitation and a precautions should be cared about.
          Note: I am a shia.

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          • #6
            Re: convert Muslim. Scared of getting married the Islamic way

            Originally posted by Martyr89 View Post
            I'm from the U.S and like most Americans was raised non religious (or atleast had a non religious outlook on life). I used to bounce around from agnostic, Christian, and atheist but at 25 became Muslim. I've always been more of a relationship kind of guy rather than a sleep around type (although I've lived that life style somewhat too), I prefer a relationship. I've been single since becoming a Muslim and I want a "companion" but the thought of an Islamic marriage scares the daylights out of me (not being able to spend much time with her before marriage, so much socializing restrictions until we are officially married, having to get parents approval inorder to marry, etc etc). Before Islam I would just let things happen. I was never interested in marriage. I was the type who thought marriage complicates things/ it's just a piece of paper etc. I don't like meeting the family members or really dating someone I don't know since I have social anxiety until I warm up to someone. The idea of asking someone "hey wanna get married?" sounds insane to me. Or, I hear you can have dates in public places a few times a week until the parents allow you to marry. These things are non westernized and is totally out of my comfort zone. I'm used to just letting myself fall for someone when it feels right, decide to make it official after getting to REALLY know each other and eventually when WE WANT, show each other to the family and my family isn't close so usually I'd date a girl for years without my family knowing I even had a gf. This all spooks me and I could use some advice/ words of encouragement or some point blank reality check or something. Any help please jazakallah heir.
            From what you mentioned, it seems to me that you're more afraid of commitment.
            Marriage was never your priority, and you hated meeting the girl's family anyway.
            So why do you think it didn't work with your past relationships since you had the time to
            really get to know the girl? You should have been married then if that's all it took for you
            to stay with someone since you said you stayed with a girl for years.

            Anyway, totally understandable why this whole thing would be hard for you. So you need
            to take your time to learn about marriage in Islam, and everything that comes with it (conditions, rights, responsibilities, etc).
            You like being in relationship, but not marriage; just because that's what you're used to doesn't make it right.
            So what's the essence of relationship to you? What kind of true relationship doesn't have a commitment, the hope to stay
            together forever, maybe raise a family, etc? Using and dumping isn't a relationship. It's just fulfilling lust.
            The society you grew up in makes marriage "just a piece of paper."
            That is NOT the case in Islam. In Islam, marriage is a union that comes together for the sake of Allah. It is announced
            to the public (not hidden) as witnesses, and it must follow the conditions of marriage in Islam.

            You are now a Muslim Alhamdulillah. So try to forget about every impermissible acts you used to do.
            Think about why you are Muslim first. If it's to obey and worship Allah and fulfil your purpose in this world, then let
            everything else in your life work around that. Take baby steps. Once you understand who Allah is, His attributes, Names,
            His power, etc, you wouldn't have any problems understanding the concept of marriage and everything else that He has
            commanded. So forget about marriage for now and focus on your eemaan (faith).

            At the end of the day, the choice is yours to make. Every rule and law in Islam is clear-cut. It's for our own good, not
            something that will benefit Allah. The choice is ours to make - obey or not. And each choice has a consequence - good or not.

            Wish you all the best.

            P.S. And whoever told you that you can "date" someone in public for few weeks without her family knowing has either lied to you
            to make you feel goo or doesn't know what he's talking about.
            You can talk to a woman for marriage for as long as possible (the shorter the better) AS LONG AS her mahram or wali is present.
            You can't be alone.
            Last edited by Oum Soumayyah; 16-11-15, 11:27 PM.
            *"None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself."* [Al-Bukhari & Muslim]
            "Mindless are those who only jump when told to jump, cry when told to cry, and laugh when told to laugh. Indeed, they are but sheep." TheStrivingUmmi

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            • #7
              Re: convert Muslim. Scared of getting married the Islamic way

              I grew up seeing marriage complicate things. I've seen people who stayed together their whole life's biut never got married and they seemed happier I also watched happy couples become less interested in each other after marriage.
              The main thing that's ruined my past relationships was the gfs family. Idk why but the gfs family in America usually makes things hard for the bf.
              I never dated someone to fulfill lust. I did one night stands for that. I've only had 3 gfs my entire life and they all three lasted a long time because I only date someone whom I love (or atleast I'd only date someone I could see myself with for a long time). The first two, their families made our relationship extremely difficult. The last one, I only left her because I converted to Islam and she was Christian and didn't like me being a Muslim. When it comes to family, the cycle I've experienced was, they'd all like me a lot, enjoy being around me and having me over but as soon as they can point out one flaw, they'll use that against me. Maybe it's an American thing Idk. My third gf I told her I didn't want to meet her family at all just to avoid all of that unesicary crap. She insisted, and I told her I guarantee they will like 99 out of 100 things about me but that 1 thing they'll use it against me. And turned out exactly like that.
              Last edited by Martyr89; 17-11-15, 12:55 AM.

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              • #8
                Re: convert Muslim. Scared of getting married the Islamic way

                .....

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                • #9
                  Re: convert Muslim. Scared of getting married the Islamic way

                  Asalamu Alaykum
                  I understand that as you're a revert brother, and have had relationships in the past, etc, that the Islamic marriage process may seem quite different to you
                  In regards to being apprehensive about this, I think we all feel a little like that. I never talk to males, but I can't help feeling this a little, because marriage is a lifelong thing. At the same time, there is so much wisdom in Allah s.w.t rulings, some we can comprehend, and some in the unseen. When we follow the Islamic process of marrying, it also shows the faith that we put in our creator, because we have been created in pairs. And what's written will happen.
                  At the same time, Islam is a religion of great rationality, and it is not telling us to marry anyone etc. You will be able to see how your potential wife look, and determine religious commitment, compatibility etc, as you can talk through the Wali. This is done as males and females aren't supposed to freely mix.
                  I also want to say welcome to Islam, brother! Alhamdulillah. It actually sounds like you have an issue with commitment, as you mentioned not wanting to get married, when you were an Atheist, so this Is also related to the problem. A marriage is Islam is such a beautiful relationship, and its not supposed to be tainted by the couple freely socialising beforehand, Don't worry about the social anxiety, a lot of people are like this, introverted, etc.
                  Think about it, you knew and were 'in love' with these 3 long term gf's, yet the relationships didn't work out, brother, why.. think about that. Getting to know someone and become close to someone etc didn't really help, in terms of staying with the person and wanting to spend your life with them.
                  A lot of people have this worry, even Muslims, its not just a worry that reverts hold, brother. But if you put your faith in Allah s.w.t and determine religion, attraction and compatibility are there with your spouse, Insha ' Allah this is more than enough.
                  And with Him are the keys of the Ghayb (all that is hidden), none knows them but He. And He knows whatever there is in the land and in the sea; not a leaf falls, but He knows it. There is not a grain in the darkness of the earth nor anything fresh or dry, but is written in a Clear Record
                  [al-Anaam 6:59]

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: convert Muslim. Scared of getting married the Islamic way

                    Originally posted by Martyr89 View Post
                    I'm from the U.S and like most Americans was raised non religious (or atleast had a non religious outlook on life). I used to bounce around from agnostic, Christian, and atheist but at 25 became Muslim. I've always been more of a relationship kind of guy rather than a sleep around type (although I've lived that life style somewhat too), I prefer a relationship. I've been single since becoming a Muslim and I want a "companion" but the thought of an Islamic marriage scares the daylights out of me (not being able to spend much time with her before marriage, so much socializing restrictions until we are officially married, having to get parents approval inorder to marry, etc etc). Before Islam I would just let things happen. I was never interested in marriage. I was the type who thought marriage complicates things/ it's just a piece of paper etc. I don't like meeting the family members or really dating someone I don't know since I have social anxiety until I warm up to someone. The idea of asking someone "hey wanna get married?" sounds insane to me. Or, I hear you can have dates in public places a few times a week until the parents allow you to marry. These things are non westernized and is totally out of my comfort zone. I'm used to just letting myself fall for someone when it feels right, decide to make it official after getting to REALLY know each other and eventually when WE WANT, show each other to the family and my family isn't close so usually I'd date a girl for years without my family knowing I even had a gf. This all spooks me and I could use some advice/ words of encouragement or some point blank reality check or something. Any help please jazakallah heir.
                    Ya I understand your concern. I have a suggestion but depending on the back ground of your potential it may or may not be acceptable.

                    In my culture it is common to get islamically married during an engagement. Meaning you get islamically married but culturally you're engaged, you get to know each other better you and you can go out together without being chaparoned. After you get to know each other well you have a wedding and then culturally you'll be married and you can move in together.

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                    • #11
                      Re: convert Muslim. Scared of getting married the Islamic way

                      Originally posted by tigress777 View Post
                      Ya I understand your concern. I have a suggestion but depending on the back ground of your potential it may or may not be acceptable.

                      In my culture it is common to get islamically married during an engagement. Meaning you get islamically married but culturally you're engaged, you get to know each other better you and you can go out together without being chaparoned. After you get to know each other well you have a wedding and then culturally you'll be married and you can move in together.
                      Move in at the end? How does this work? If I get Islamically married, I am still obligated to provide food, clothing, housing, etc. as per shariah. If I get Islamically married and I don't do these things because we're still "getting to know each other," then I am not fulfilling the duties of a husband.

                      Also, if you just do the Islamic marriage for the purpose of "getting to know each other", what happens if you don't like each other? Do you just get a divorce?

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                      • #12
                        Re: convert Muslim. Scared of getting married the Islamic way

                        Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
                        Move in at the end? How does this work? If I get Islamically married, I am still obligated to provide food, clothing, housing, etc. as per shariah. If I get Islamically married and I don't do these things because we're still "getting to know each other," then I am not fulfilling the duties of a husband.

                        Also, if you just do the Islamic marriage for the purpose of "getting to know each other", what happens if you don't like each other? Do you just get a divorce?
                        I understand but it's marriage with the understanding and condition that your wife stays with her family and you don't consummate your marriage until after the wedding. This is just something commonly practiced in my culture.

                        If you don't get along you get a divorce, since you didn't consumate your marriage you will get half your mahr (dowry) back.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: convert Muslim. Scared of getting married the Islamic way

                          Originally posted by Martyr89 View Post
                          I'm from the U.S and like most Americans was raised non religious (or atleast had a non religious outlook on life). I used to bounce around from agnostic, Christian, and atheist but at 25 became Muslim. I've always been more of a relationship kind of guy rather than a sleep around type (although I've lived that life style somewhat too), I prefer a relationship. I've been single since becoming a Muslim and I want a "companion" but the thought of an Islamic marriage scares the daylights out of me (not being able to spend much time with her before marriage, so much socializing restrictions until we are officially married, having to get parents approval inorder to marry, etc etc). Before Islam I would just let things happen. I was never interested in marriage. I was the type who thought marriage complicates things/ it's just a piece of paper etc. I don't like meeting the family members or really dating someone I don't know since I have social anxiety until I warm up to someone. The idea of asking someone "hey wanna get married?" sounds insane to me. Or, I hear you can have dates in public places a few times a week until the parents allow you to marry. These things are non westernized and is totally out of my comfort zone. I'm used to just letting myself fall for someone when it feels right, decide to make it official after getting to REALLY know each other and eventually when WE WANT, show each other to the family and my family isn't close so usually I'd date a girl for years without my family knowing I even had a gf. This all spooks me and I could use some advice/ words of encouragement or some point blank reality check or something. Any help please jazakallah heir.
                          I am not getting married to a Muslim,

                          I dont want to marry at all,

                          but if I do I am getting married to a Orthodox or Catholic girl,

                          for two reasons, if I married a Muslim my family would disown me, and family always comes first, blood is thicker then water,

                          and two because I feel like it is too difficult to get a Muslim girl, they are way to strict.

                          and to be honest, I aint about that.

                          Just be like me man,

                          Marry a Albanian or Bosniak girl, they are the best :D

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                          • #14
                            Re: convert Muslim. Scared of getting married the Islamic way

                            Why would your family disown you? For me it's the opposite. I'm not close to my family and 99% of them I barely look at as family and I could care less what they think. And from what I've herd, I'll have to agree that Muslim girls are too strict. I herd most Muslim girls when looking for a husband have a grocerie list for what he must be. I'm not about that either.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: convert Muslim. Scared of getting married the Islamic way

                              Originally posted by Martyr89 View Post
                              Why would your family disown you? For me it's the opposite. I'm not close to my family and 99% of them I barely look at as family and I could care less what they think. And from what I've herd, I'll have to agree that Muslim girls are too strict. I herd most Muslim girls when looking for a husband have a grocerie list for what he must be. I'm not about that either.
                              list for woman:
                              1. Deen
                              2. Can financially provide for them
                              3. Personality
                              4. Looks

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