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  • convert sister needs help and support

    help me plese. I don't know what to do.
    . I'm new here and I'm desperately seeking help and advice from pious muslims. It's necessary to write the whole story. Please tell me what should I do. I wanna get out of this marriage but I'm affrai to tell my parents and all around.
    here is my story:
    I got married to my good friend and love at age of 24. I converted to islam few months before. Yes- marriage pushed me to make the step but Im most happy and it was best decition I ever made in my life hamdulilah. I was told by one sister that I will be tested one day. I m still hiding I'm muslim from my family and friends in Europe. They were terrified when I decided to get marry to Muslim and live in Egypt. All were warning me and advising to stay away from this idea. Thank God my parents became happy with my husband and they trusted him that he takes care about me. We were also visiting my parents really often. They saw he was good to me and not a "typical Arab".

    my life in Egypt: it was harder than I thought- we were living in a very bad area in an empty building. My husband was not poor at all. He showed me before marriage the place and said it would be only for the first two years as the flat was bought by his dad many years ago. We had all we needed inside flat and I was safe there. But it was impossible for me to go out cos of the harassment and traffic and area itself was bad ( I don't wear hijab). I understood people in Egypt, their non Islamic beheviour etc... I was crying alot. I didn't drive and my husband has been working till 9pm sometimes more. I didn't have many friends and whenever we were out with my husband's friends They were speaking in arabic in front of me what made me feel very down and uncomfortable. I was loosing my self confidence day by day. My first Ramadan was very difficult and I don't know why I diddnt pray much. I was doing dikkr alot instead. I went to work which was 3 shifts and really far from home. I was crying even more every day cos of the people I was working with- like I was totally alone and had no one to understand me. My husband was very happy I was working.

    My family life- from the begginining of the .marriage we used to argue a lot about husband's parents and family. I found their attitude rude, weird, not logic- we were asked by parents to sleep over at their house alot. Whenever I was refusing my husband was telling me I don't respect parents and that when we travel to my parents we sleep too at their house and it's not a problem. My mother in law was very aggressive ( never towards me), always angry and shouting. Very controlling. Wherever I was around her I was anxious with no reason. his parents were good to me overall. I have never been comfortable with extended family. All the family meetings were making me sick- I was the only one non Egyptian. Although all were speaking English they were speaking arabic anyway. Every family meetings was a nightmare. I was coming back home frustrated and crying and blaming my husband. He was the only one I could complain to as I did t want to upset my family. I was treying to show all best to them to make them feel secure and to never warry about me. My self esteem was going down more and more. I put on weight and didn't want to attend meetings with my husband's friends. He told me once that he thought I was different and in real I'm not social and he doesn't not like it. From the very beggining of the marriage ( and even fee days before) I found out my husband flirting online with girls. I told asked him to explain and he said sorry and swore he would never make it again

    e.
    I gave birth in 2012. In 2013 my husband started travelling more to Europe due to his work and company he was establishing. I used to travel with him most of the time. Once he came back from a trip and confessed he went to gogo club. He told me he was only kissing there and watched girls who was seducing him. I was shocked as my husband was angry and embarrassed of my friends saying hi to him with a chick kiss. I cried and he said sorry and saying wallahy that it was the last time. I didn't want to make troubles as he came to me and confessed. I forgave him but during our fights I brought it back few times. He was extremely angry I was mentioning about it.
    After our child was born I felt my husband stopped treating me with respect. He was getting angry on m easily, never helped me with baby duties, he was like before telling me he lives me every day.but I saw something was different. I started feeling trapped cos of the place we were still living in, his mother behaviour was very possessive. She was taking baby from my hands whiteout asking and giving me angry face whenever I didn't agree to sleep at her house. I was complaining to my husband but he was blaming me for not understanding the culture and not giving chance to his mom. I was crying a lot. I was Very lonely and


    After our child was born I felt my husband stopped treating me with respect. He was getting angry on m easily, never helped me with baby duties, he was like before telling me he loved me every day but I saw something was different. After baby was born he asked me to open a private buissness as not to stay home and complain. He wanted me to get nanny and take care of selling stuff online. I was so angry and sad. First time I was a mother and I wanted be for baby. I didn't need extra money. Alhamdulilah my husband was earning enough. I started feeling trapped cos of the place we were still living in, his mother behaviour was very possessive. She was taking baby from my hands whiteout asking and giving me angry face whenever I didn't agree to sleep at her house. I was complaining to my husband but he was blaming me for not understanding the culture and not giving chance to his mom. I was crying a lot. I was Very lonely and Staying alot with his parents. My husband refused idea of moving to better place as he believed I needed help from his mom when he is outside country or working till late. I was so lost. I felt how double life I have. I was not allowed to share my sorrows with anyone. I was
    calling my mom every days laughing and sharing funny moments and she was in love and happy that I was happy.
    We moved to a lovely place finally. It was like a different world. I was finally going out by myself and having new foreign Muslim friends- we started attending Islam classes and I was very happy and praying more- still not 5 times a day.
    I found out by checking my husband's mobile he cheated on me 5 months ago- we were in Europe over 5.months. most of the time together but sometimes I was with my parents in another city. I trusted my husband 100% . He was going to clubs and telling me he knows his limits which I believed was just going there and having non alcoholic drinks. I asked him not to go to these places anyway. I was still not suspicious. One day I found in our car a picture of a girl he prepared for her as a gift. He told me it was his friend's girlfriend. I got mad as this friend was married. I told my husband to stay away from people who cheat wifes. He explained to me that even somebody is Muslim sometimes does wrong. I didn't know he was talking about himself. He was telling me all his friends were doing... who was trying sex massage, who is cheating wife and so on. I was happy he is different and Told him how disgusting is it to be Muslim and represent Islam in such way. One day I saw many new female contacts on his phone. We had a big fight. I was furious and Told him it it's over and that if this happen again I will leave. My husband was amused by my anger and Told me that every men has to try something else to understand he has the best. He said I'm the best and he would never find someone better than me. He admitted he met few girls and was just kissing. He swore by Allah he had no sex. He blamed me for pushing him for searching for girls cos I don't work and I don't focus much( for e.g I forget things or loose stuff). As unusually after big fight we had a great sex and I forgot about the problem- I felt we cleared up the atmosphere. My husband met few girls and saw they are not better than me. But his behaviour towards me was getting worse... I felt it unfair- I was expecting him to repent and make up. I was hurt and humiliated. Few days later I checked him mobile again. I was devastated- I saw details- messages between him and a girl. Then- many websites for prostitutes- that was a thing we were fighting for months. He refused at the beggining and Told me it was not him searching. I believed it as his friend was using his mobile for a week in Europe. I showed him all I found. My husband never looked down once. He was aggressive and angry for breaking the rule of not checking his mobile.
    I get like I lost a family member when I saw these messages. I asked for divorce .I started praying 5 times a day. Every day. Amhamdulilah the test came. It's very painful. I was not able to wake up in the morning and I was crying night and day. I was not able to take care of my child. My husband told me I have to forget what happened or we have to separate. He told me he never had sex with any and was just kissing. I was on a total swing. Once asking for divorce and after saying sorry to each other and starting from the begginining. After every sorry I was ok 3 days . Then the thoughts were eating my mind. Prostitutes. I saw my husband searching for it not once and his friends were meeting prostitutes too. I opened the subject again and my husband got furious. He had enough and Told me we can get divorce if I can't forget and move on.
    And like so for 4 months. Once I took him to mosque. Gave him Quran and asked him to swear by it that he would never touch any woman again. He did and we were ok again. My husband travelled abroud and I was not warry at all. He swore by Quran. He came back and I checked his mobile again.I found same website for prostitutes. Fights again. He left home and he was insulting me saying I had a life like a queen with him and after divorce I should feel my possition. He asked me to never talk to his family again and that it was a shame to know me. It hurt me sooo much.
    I was not able to eat nor sleep. I prayed istikhara and 10 minutes later husband called me to room and Told me we can not live like that and if I can not forget and move on we must separate. He called my dad to tell him that I asked for divorce. I was beggining him not to involve my parents so early.that would break my mom heart. My dad pick up the phone but he doesn't speak English well. He didn't understand word " divorce". So my parents don't know what happened. Only that we had a fight and it it solved now. Another day my husband could not take it anymore and took me to sheikh to k ow my rights after divorce( I don't have mahr in my contract) later we drove to office to sign up for divorce but my husband asked me if I still love him. He told me he loves me and does not wanna leave me. We both cried and decided to try again.
    I was praying more and reading more... only because of being close to Allah I'm in a condition of peace. I can use my mind. I can smile and I'm for my daughter. My heart is broken but that what happened is not eating my mind anymore. But still- I feel I'm being oppressed. Am I? Or I'm just weak?

    maybe I already forgave him as a human but not like a women to men. We are really ok.now. My husband spends more time with child and we make more things together. But the fact is I checked his ipad which is synchronised with his iphone. During the last trip to Europe my husband has been browsing for prostitutes. I'm 100% sure it was him. He said it was not him and the history does. It show anything like that on his phone. I know he is laying. It's cast. When he was abrouad he was the most sweet. Sending me love notes and calling alot. I was not expecting he would have a courage to search for prostitutes. He told me before he asked Allah for forgiveness and he will not ask me. Its only between him and Allah.
    I closed subject pretending I did t see any. I don't have a proof he met a prostitute. It scares me. He swore by Allah it was not him searching and I know it was him 200%.
    I know it's a test as it bought me to Allah. But I'm affraid. I left all to be with my husband. I left my parents, my life and I'm doing my best to spend time with his parents cos they love our daughter. In Europe I'm doing for him a presidency card and police visit us alot. All my neighbours and parents talk good about my husband and respect him. How could I say that my Muslim husband cheated on me. What they will think...they will mock the religion and then I won't be able to admit one day I'm Muslim.
    Tell me if I'm guilty???
    I have been always making dua before all happened to keep our marriage safe and to be always good as marriage. The worst is that my husband didn't keep things he was doing secret- he told his friends before I found out. He told them full of joy like it's nothing to cheat on wife and meet prostitutes. I didn't find prove he had sex with them. He admitted sex massage.

    help me plese. I don't know what to do.
    Last edited by ommjannah; 06-10-15, 12:55 AM. Reason: wrong order

  • #2
    Re: convert sister needs help and support

    Im so sorry to hear about your situation sister. It doesnt sound like a healthy marriage at all and you don't deserve to be treated that way. Be sure of that. Your story is similar to my story with my child's father, except we never moved to egypt. If he or you would want to divorce i think there can be a problem with custody of your child. I think usually its the father who can get full custody easily in their courts. Im not sure though. I hope someone on this forum knows more about how this works in egypt.

    If you want to talk sister, you can pm me. You dont have to sit there alone dealing with all of this. Dont let your husband or his family treat you like that and Dont let them put you down and take your strength and confidence away.

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    • #3
      Re: convert sister needs help and support

      What is this.. Could it be an Egyptian thing? regarding parents and family..Sounds quite similiar to.. A certain someone :/

      Sister have patience and make loads of Duaa.. Im sorry for your troubles.. I'm here if you wanna chat xx
      I love you, cherish you and worship you,
      Guide me on your path to your janna,
      Unite me beside you My King and all mighty,


      :love:Allah:love:

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      • #4
        Re: convert sister needs help and support

        ..
        Last edited by Muslim Mothers; 09-10-15, 08:11 AM.

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        • #5
          Re: convert sister needs help and support

          I make lots of dua and tahajud prayer and istikhara. The child would be with mother according to Egyptian custody until age 15.

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          • #6
            Re: convert sister needs help and support

            Asalaamu Aleykum,

            You are facing some big trials at the moment, May Allah reward you for your patience. I am happy to hear that you are praying five times a day now sister - this is a sign of progress on your part and the only way to abate the loneliness you feel. On a practical, although awkward level, have you gone to a clinic to have yourself checked for STDs? Sorry if I'm being crude but if your husband is searching for prostitutes and mixing with women in bars he may have or one day will contract something and I would hate for him to pass it to you. My advice for the here and now: maintain your spiritual health (by praying 5 times a day) and ensure your physical health (by going to a gynaecologist).

            In terms of your marriage, I wish I knew how to advise you dear sister. Continue making dua and seeking guidance from Allah and you will surely find a way out of this mess with your daughter in your arms. Perhaps, go to the Islamic classes you spoke about and ask if you can see a skeikh for some marriage advice? Perhaps try marriage counselling? It seems the best solution to the problem is your husband taking his religion more seriously but he seems like the type who will not listen to reminders from his wife, taking it as nagging and driving him away. Therefore as his wife is there not a way you can think of that would sneakily increase his Iman? Such as playing Quran or Islamic lectures in the house and asking him to join you? Perhaps you could shame him into becoming a more practicing Muslim. Think of the reward you will obtain if you succeed (although, you will inshaAllah be rewarded for your efforts regardless of success)! Remember, in Islam marriage is a means to obtain Jannah - perhaps you are a mercy from Allah sent to your husband to guide him away from haraam.

            Finally, dear sister, try to learn Arabic. I know it is easier said than done but you need to understand the language so you can claim back the advantage your husband has over you. Happily, this will also help you with your understanding of Quran and inshaAllah guide you to the path to Jannah.

            May Allah reward you for your patience. May He bestow peace and tranquility in your heart and give you the courage to face this trial. May Allah soften your husband's heart and give him love for that which will lead him to Paradise and disgust at that which will lead him to Hell. May Allah bless your beautiful daughter with a stable home and a love for Islam that transcends her love for anyone else. Ameen :)
            And when it is said to them, "Do not cause corruption on the earth," they say, "We are but reformers." (11) Unquestionably, it is they who are the corrupters, but they perceive [it] not. (12) - Surat al-Baqarah
            http://www.ummzakiyyah.com/polygamy_not_my_problem/

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            • #7
              Re: convert sister needs help and support

              Thank you for ur comments sisters. I'm very calm most of the time now. I do not consider my husband as a life partner anymore. He is too proud to seek my forgiveness and always complains of my personality. He told me once he likes buissness woman. Which I'm not and don't wanna be. He complains about dirty house which is totally not true. Our house is very clean and I never hire made. I like staying home and attend Islam classes. My husband reads Quran, listens to Quran etc... but his prayers r without duas, very fast and his jokes recall places he used to cheat on me. He still makes comments about old times when he used to play with girls. No tauba. He believes Allah is all forgiving and he didn't accept the fact of cheating on me as he didn't sleep with anyone. For him all this was not cheating. When I found out he laughter on my face saying it was so easy to have girls in Europe. Sick and lack of morals. I don't wanna be his sister of mercy. Allah gave him a responsibility of being an example for a convert who left all to be with him as a projector. He failed. And I will never forget. I'm in this marriage still having fun and clashes but it's not my partner anymore. Not my support. There r things that can not be fixed. I forgave him but wanna escape from this marriage and I'm dreaming about being with a real high morals Muslim one day...

              May Allah have mercy on all of us.

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              • #8
                Wow , I want to make a point here.. There are some brothers who are virgin when they get married and when they see there wife doesn't have what these porn starts or actresses have then they get curious and start cheating on their wives ... Then there are those who have "tasted" it .. They could be different and be completely obedient to their wives even though their wives don't have what the other women have .. Does that make sense ?

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                • #9
                  Re: convert sister needs help and support

                  Originally posted by Muslim_Akhi93 View Post
                  Wow , I want to make a point here.. There are some brothers who are virgin when they get married and when they see there wife doesn't have what these porn starts or actresses have then they get curious and start cheating on their wives ... Then there are those who have "tasted" it .. They could be different and be completely obedient to their wives even though their wives don't have what the other women have .. Does that make sense ?
                  You mean... people who watch pornography, after they get married they expect to have intimate relationships the way they watch those filthy stuff, yes.
                  So their wives aren't good anymore or lets say they can't do things that they watch on those videos, its really a sickness and an evil act to have intimate relationships used like objects
                  and for fuliflling the desires in such ways, its a sickness that can't be cured easily, may allah pure our Hearts with soft,calm,love treating of our potential spouses.
                  My cooking Youtube channel:
                  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCvc...UgRZfc4r8YJ0iQ

                  Don't abuse your body just to feel good, use your body right and you'll feel better - Sparty

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                  • #10
                    Re: convert sister needs help and support

                    I would go and get yourself checked sister, you never know if your husband is carrying AID's, STD's, etc. Not to scare you, but its common for men who travel a lot to meet escorts.

                    Don't lose faith off of Islam sis, Allah (swt) will always be there for you no matter where and how you are. The shaytaan will try to get you away from this with all this stuff, but beware of him. Inshallah things improve.

                    On the side note, I'd say your husband isn't the wisest men out their how does he get caught like 2-3 times and not learn to delete history, or maybe it isn't really him doing it and someone else is.

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                    • #11
                      Re: convert sister needs help and support

                      Originally posted by Spartakos View Post
                      You mean... people who watch pornography, after they get married they expect to have intimate relationships the way they watch those filthy stuff, yes.
                      So their wives aren't good anymore or lets say they can't do things that they watch on those videos, its really a sickness and an evil act to have intimate relationships used like objects
                      and for fuliflling the desires in such ways, its a sickness that can't be cured easily, may allah pure our Hearts with soft,calm,love treating of our potential spouses.
                      no what i mean is sometimes you have to settle for less to have a happy marriage life

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                      • #12
                        Re: convert sister needs help and support

                        Originally posted by Muslim_Akhi93 View Post
                        no what i mean is sometimes you have to settle for less to have a happy marriage life
                        for example?
                        My cooking Youtube channel:
                        https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCvc...UgRZfc4r8YJ0iQ

                        Don't abuse your body just to feel good, use your body right and you'll feel better - Sparty

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: convert sister needs help and support

                          My husband tried many women before marriage but also promissed Allah to never have haram sex even before marriage when we were just friends.
                          He believes it is not zina nor cheating without sex. Kissing and even sex massage is not haram for him as he said: muslims know what is wrong and right but sometimes they choose wrong. He pointed out I'm not wearing hijab as an example. It was ridicules.

                          It's all about low morals and it's him searching for escort girls for sure. Before he started travelling alot and just visiting Europe with me, I saw how he was excited about go go clubs we saw and teasing me he would go there at night. We both lough as it was a joke only.

                          He simply sees this issue as all men cheat and he didn't have sex so all is cool and Allah is merciful.

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