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  • Marrying under pressure

    Assalam u alaikum,

    I am facing a grave problem... my parents want me to marry a person who want me to work post marriage[it is a pre-requisite] because he is unstable with his job and earns very less such that he cannot even fulfill basic necessities of proving food and shelter. His family has not even divulged what he earns on repeatedly asking.. they keep running around in circles but never address the questions. My parents are not giving importance to it because they want me to get married anyhow this year as my age is running out.
    Infact, the brother of the groom took a confirmation from me that I will work post marriage. When I saw the guy for the first time.. he was mostly silent and his brother was speaking on his behalf. On meeting his mother..she gave subtle hints that my family should give a flat during marriage.
    I am totally against this alliance but my parents's behavior is not good towards me... there is a lot of pressure for me to accept this proposal. Please advise.

    The family claims that the guy is Islamic and prays 5 times a day.... but there is no way to prove it... A person may have certain financial shortcomings but concealing it fromt he bride's family during marriage is unethical and untrustworthy.. Having said that is accepting a proposal from a groom who claims to pray 5 times a day enough?
    Should we ignore all other aspects of a person? Is it practical?

  • #2
    Re: Marrying under pressure

    Originally posted by sistra View Post
    Assalam u alaikum,

    I am facing a grave problem... my parents want me to marry a person who want me to work post marriage[it is a pre-requisite] because he is unstable with his job and earns very less such that he cannot even fulfill basic necessities of proving food and shelter. His family has not even divulged what he earns on repeatedly asking.. they keep running around in circles but never address the questions. My parents are not giving importance to it because they want me to get married anyhow this year as my age is running out.
    Infact, the brother of the groom took a confirmation from me that I will work post marriage. When I saw the guy for the first time.. he was mostly silent and his brother was speaking on his behalf. On meeting his mother..she gave subtle hints that my family should give a flat during marriage.
    I am totally against this alliance but my parents's behavior is not good towards me... there is a lot of pressure for me to accept this proposal. Please advise.

    The family claims that the guy is Islamic and prays 5 times a day.... but there is no way to prove it... A person may have certain financial shortcomings but concealing it fromt he bride's family during marriage is unethical and untrustworthy.. Having said that is accepting a proposal from a groom who claims to pray 5 times a day enough?
    Should we ignore all other aspects of a person? Is it practical?
    Wa laikum ah salam sis.

    Wow, the fact your warning signals are full throw that should be enough, however I don't know how your parents are so my advice is limited.
    .I do advise you sit them down and explain deeply that you're not happy, nor are you trusting of this brother, tell them that Allah is the best of providers and your age is irrelevant as you trust in Allah swt.
    And you trust that I'd your feeling really bad things about the outcome of this brother it may be a sign from Allah to avoid... Good luck Insha'Allah

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Marrying under pressure

      Originally posted by sistra View Post
      Assalam u alaikum,

      I am facing a grave problem... my parents want me to marry a person who want me to work post marriage[it is a pre-requisite] because he is unstable with his job and earns very less such that he cannot even fulfill basic necessities of proving food and shelter. His family has not even divulged what he earns on repeatedly asking.. they keep running around in circles but never address the questions. My parents are not giving importance to it because they want me to get married anyhow this year as my age is running out.
      Infact, the brother of the groom took a confirmation from me that I will work post marriage. When I saw the guy for the first time.. he was mostly silent and his brother was speaking on his behalf. On meeting his mother..she gave subtle hints that my family should give a flat during marriage.
      I am totally against this alliance but my parents's behavior is not good towards me... there is a lot of pressure for me to accept this proposal. Please advise.

      The family claims that the guy is Islamic and prays 5 times a day.... but there is no way to prove it... A person may have certain financial shortcomings but concealing it fromt he bride's family during marriage is unethical and untrustworthy.. Having said that is accepting a proposal from a groom who claims to pray 5 times a day enough?
      Should we ignore all other aspects of a person? Is it practical?
      Wa alaykum salaam sister, I can understand your concerns. After marriage will you be moving with his family? If so, then maybe you would not be required to work after marriage as his family will be providing this anyway
      There are few issues which need to be addressed, asking your family subtly (or not) to buy a flat is not correct. Your parents are not required to do this once you are married, unless they are able to provide this without getting into debt.
      How much do you know about the brother, about his deen and characteristics/personality? Are you able to find out any more from extended family and friends?

      I think you need to find out more about the brother and the finance aspect is quite hard, I know we should tawakkal in Allah swt - but the brother shouldnt marry if he has NOWAY of providing for his wife, If you are ok with working for a while and insha'Allah together you are able to support each other - then it is ok. If you are being forced to give up all your earnings - that would be another issue.

      I would say do much research as you can and istikhara.
      No Longer On UF

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Marrying under pressure

        Wa alaykumussalam sis. it is the male's responsibility to provide for necessities, so unless there is a genuine reason then it doesn't seem right. and not sure why the other family are hiding stuff.. this age running out thing... if you don't mind me asking, what's your age? in Asian cultures there's this annoying pressure, but it doesn't just mean marrying anyone because 'time is running out' whatever that supposedly means

        and the flat during marriage hmmm... when you say he was silent, he didn't speak to the wali at all? n his bro did. maybe he was shy, but I don't know, did he even say one word to the wali? remember your parents happiness is important, AND so is yours. so its your choice too don't feel pressure if you don't wanna marry this guy. It's you life, and with everything you mentioned, I don't know either. Don't wanna judge either way.

        Also, maybe find out more through the wali. As you seem uncertain that he's religious. Religion comes first, but no it's not practical to ignore everything else. Different things matter, I couldn't forgo kindness and attraction, aswell as religion in a spouse. because those are basic and important to me. make istikhaara. and talk to ur parents insha ' allah they'll be understanding. don't rush into something you don't want to. especially not marriage. its half of deen
        And with Him are the keys of the Ghayb (all that is hidden), none knows them but He. And He knows whatever there is in the land and in the sea; not a leaf falls, but He knows it. There is not a grain in the darkness of the earth nor anything fresh or dry, but is written in a Clear Record”
        [al-An’aam 6:59]

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Marrying under pressure

          :wswrwb:
          Last edited by DaughterOfAdam; 04-09-15, 07:27 PM.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Marrying under pressure

            Say no. Have you tried that? Your parents can't force you to get married. And as it seems the potentials family are in it for the money, I ain't saying that the potential is but his family seem like it.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Marrying under pressure

              They want you to work, want your family to provide housing and your parents are more worried that your 'age is running out?' Do they not realize the financial demands of this family?
              Allah gave us two ears and one mouth, so we can listen more and talk less.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Marrying under pressure

                they want you to work and your family to provide a flat? lol, take them to take a hike. flat ls don't fall out the sky.
                لآ اِلَهَ اِلّا اللّهُ مُحَمَّدٌ رَسُوُل اللّهِ

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Marrying under pressure

                  There's a lot more to Islam than praying, although it's of the utmost importance.

                  If you don't want to work and provide what is being asked of you then you should explain your reasons to your parents. The fact that he is asking for these things alone is a red flag.

                  People get married at all sorts of ages, so there's no such thing as your age running out. Even if you can never marry, isn't that better than living in misery with someone?

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Marrying under pressure

                    Firstly NO one can force you to marry . yes they may advice and point out that your age is not getting less etc , but cannot force.

                    Secondly , ask them to clearly say what the groom does and what he earns. If they do not , then refuse. There is no reason to hide this.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Marrying under pressure

                      i wouldn't recommend any sister to marry a man who expects his wife to work
                      You think you know more than my scholar's qiyās? He was more learned than you and all other scholars combined. Yeah, the devil was the greatest scholar too and look where his qiyās of fire being better than tīn got him. Sorry.

                      You follow your scholar's qiyās, and I will follow the Qur'ān and Sunnah.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Marrying under pressure

                        assalaamu alaykum,

                        you have a right to be provided for, and not have to work unless you wish, and the hinting at a flat is dowry plain and simple, they may be praying but clearly more into their culture than deen from what you've said.

                        also, not talking... it's weird. OK some guys are shy, I'm quite shy, or at least used to be a few years ago, but never this bad, a man needs to take a lead in the house, how can he do that when he cannot even talk to you?

                        I'm not saying it is the case here, but the masjid I work at has had cases where a man has some form of disorder, like high range autism which made married life intolerable for the women and she ended up seeking divorce, as these matters had been hidden from her before marriage. I'm not saying such people shouldn't marry, just it needs to be discussed and open before marriage

                        probably not this, quite possibly he is just shy but shyness to the level of being timid is not a good trait in a husband.

                        If they are hiding things now, expecting you to work and provide for him, hinting at dowry, he not being able to talk, or not willing to talk, these should be setting off major big flashing red alarms in your family individually, but altogether it's baffling they are insisting on pushing you into this without checking these matters out in depth or else calling it off.

                        At the end of the day this is your marriage, not their's, so explain you need answers on these matters, tell them the flat / dowry is out of the question, or else it's your right to walk away.
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                        • #13
                          Re: Marrying under pressure

                          AOA sister.

                          Finding a spouse who is a great practicing Muslim should always be a top priority.
                          But regarding the demands his family is making from you and your family, I hear warning bells ringing.
                          Perhaps you can ask your parents to discuss with the guy and see if he takes marriage as a responsibility.
                          Is he confident that he can give justice to the marriage? I guess his family is doing most of the talking and he has not given opinions on his own yet.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Marrying under pressure

                            Originally posted by sistra View Post
                            Assalam u alaikum,

                            I am facing a grave problem... my parents want me to marry a person who want me to work post marriage[it is a pre-requisite] because he is unstable with his job and earns very less such that he cannot even fulfill basic necessities of proving food and shelter. His family has not even divulged what he earns on repeatedly asking.. they keep running around in circles but never address the questions. My parents are not giving importance to it because they want me to get married anyhow this year as my age is running out.
                            Infact, the brother of the groom took a confirmation from me that I will work post marriage. When I saw the guy for the first time.. he was mostly silent and his brother was speaking on his behalf. On meeting his mother..she gave subtle hints that my family should give a flat during marriage.
                            I am totally against this alliance but my parents's behavior is not good towards me... there is a lot of pressure for me to accept this proposal. Please advise.

                            The family claims that the guy is Islamic and prays 5 times a day.... but there is no way to prove it... A person may have certain financial shortcomings but concealing it fromt he bride's family during marriage is unethical and untrustworthy.. Having said that is accepting a proposal from a groom who claims to pray 5 times a day enough?
                            Should we ignore all other aspects of a person? Is it practical?
                            Wa 'alaykum salaam wa-rahmatullah wa-barakatuh.

                            No sis; praying 5 times a day is not the only thing you look for before getting married. His whole Deen and character should matter. And providing for his family is part of his duty as a husband. If he can't fulfil that and is not even honest enough to be clear about it, I doubt you should even consider the proposal. Don't let pressure make you accept this proposal. Whether you do or not, make sure everything is clear and you are happy with it. Do you see yourself being married to this many years from now and having children with him? Who will provide when you are expecting a child or when you give birth?
                            A man who knows his role as the provider of the family (even if he is not rich and has the bare minimum) and works hard to fulfil his duties is worth considering, not one who asks a woman to work after marriage because he earns little.

                            Make an informed decision. You don't want to get married, then get divorced.

                            May Allah guide you towards the best decision and grant you a righteous husband.
                            *"None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself."* [Al-Bukhari & Muslim]
                            "Mindless are those who only jump when told to jump, cry when told to cry, and laugh when told to laugh. Indeed, they are but sheep." TheStrivingUmmi

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                            • #15
                              Re: Marrying under pressure

                              Hope this persons issue is sorted.

                              This is the issues that can come up, even if someone prays, the compromise aspect can be flipped. Salah does not always guarantee security, there is more to it. That is why it is not simple just to say, find someone practising, when your family will not even trust them, and then will pressure you to marry a normal non practising person.

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