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  • Forced Marriage

    Assalumu alaikum.

    Am new here so please forgive me if am posting at the wrong place

    My name is Abdul-Mumin.
    Last year, my parents spoke to me about a lady they felt will be a good wife for me. This lady is a family friend who stays with her parents in Saudi Arabia. Upon consultations, I requested to see her picture after which I agreed to it. This made my parents happy. The lady and I started talking and it was agreed that she comes to Ghana so we can meet and get to know each other better. She came to Ghana for a few months, during which time she told me that Ghana was not a pleasant place for her and that she wanted to go back to Saudi Arabia. I could not stop her against her wish so she left. This brought a problem between my family and hers since my parents felt they had been betrayed by the ladies family. What was once a very good relationship between my parents and hers then faded to the extent that my dad and hers are not in contact anymore.
    After this issue, I met a lady whom I was interested in and spoke to my mum about it. My mum rejected her on the basis of politics, tribe and also that the ladies mother was not a good person. To avoid any misunderstanding between us I listened to my parents and let it go.
    Not long afterwards, my parents then spoke to another lady who happens to be my mums friends daughter and thought she will make a good wife for me AGAIN.
    This time around, I rejected it and told my parents I did not love her (for clarification, I know this lady and have met her mostly when my mum sends me to her mum).
    My refusal to marry the second lady they proposed caused my parents to call me all sort of names and even started blackmailing me in a way. I tried explaining to them that I did not love the lady and it will be bad for me to accept her and not treat her well, in a way I should treat my wife.
    I have found a woman I am interested in, who is religious. May dad still doesn't speak to me because of my refusal to marry a woman of his choice and my mum tells me the only thing I can do to make her happy is to marry the lady they are picking for me.
    Will I be sinning if I go against their wish and marry this lady I love?
    Thank you.

    Assalamu alaikum

  • #2
    Re: Forced Marriage

    Originally posted by Zarzi View Post
    Assalumu alaikum.

    Am new here so please forgive me if am posting at the wrong place

    My name is Abdul-Mumin.
    Last year, my parents spoke to me about a lady they felt will be a good wife for me. This lady is a family friend who stays with her parents in Saudi Arabia. Upon consultations, I requested to see her picture after which I agreed to it. This made my parents happy. The lady and I started talking and it was agreed that she comes to Ghana so we can meet and get to know each other better. She came to Ghana for a few months, during which time she told me that Ghana was not a pleasant place for her and that she wanted to go back to Saudi Arabia. I could not stop her against her wish so she left. This brought a problem between my family and hers since my parents felt they had been betrayed by the ladies family. What was once a very good relationship between my parents and hers then faded to the extent that my dad and hers are not in contact anymore.
    After this issue, I met a lady whom I was interested in and spoke to my mum about it. My mum rejected her on the basis of politics, tribe and also that the ladies mother was not a good person. To avoid any misunderstanding between us I listened to my parents and let it go.
    Not long afterwards, my parents then spoke to another lady who happens to be my mums friends daughter and thought she will make a good wife for me AGAIN.
    This time around, I rejected it and told my parents I did not love her (for clarification, I know this lady and have met her mostly when my mum sends me to her mum).
    My refusal to marry the second lady they proposed caused my parents to call me all sort of names and even started blackmailing me in a way. I tried explaining to them that I did not love the lady and it will be bad for me to accept her and not treat her well, in a way I should treat my wife.
    I have found a woman I am interested in, who is religious. May dad still doesn't speak to me because of my refusal to marry a woman of his choice and my mum tells me the only thing I can do to make her happy is to marry the lady they are picking for me.
    Will I be sinning if I go against their wish and marry this lady I love?
    Thank you.

    Assalamu alaikum
    Wa 'alaykum salaam wa-rahmatullah wa-barakatuh.

    May Allah rectify your situation with your parents.
    There's no such thing as forced marriage in Islam. If you don't want to marry that woman for whatever reason, then don't. You shouldn't be forced to do so.
    Marriage should be based on Deen and character, and in the marriage you need mutual love, respect, appreciation, etc. If you already think you won't be
    able to give this woman her rights as a wife, please don't marry her. It is unfair for her to be married to a man who won't love her. If it also unfair for you.
    I just don't get these forced marriage; very weird. Subhanallah.

    Try talking to your parents one-on-one and do your best to convince them. Be kind and give them all your reasons for not wanting to marry this woman.
    Try to make them understand. They are your parents and they love you and want the best for you. They may err sometimes and think something is best even if it's not,
    but it doesn't mean they don't love you. So keep on trying to convince them. Also, listen to the reason why they think that woman is best for you. Maybe they know
    something about her that you do not know. And maybe knowing it may convince you. If not, then fine.

    As for the other woman you want to marry, Allahu a'laam really. Allah knows best. Do istikharah for guidance in making this decision and try to talk to your parents again.
    The man does not need to approval of the parents before marrying a woman, but it is absolutely best to have a common ground with your parents. You want to start your
    marriage on the right foot and make sure there's no bitterness. Pleasing your parents is very very important.

    Again, Allah knows best. May Allah help you toward the best decision and reconcile you and your parents.
    *"None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself."* [Al-Bukhari & Muslim]
    "Mindless are those who only jump when told to jump, cry when told to cry, and laugh when told to laugh. Indeed, they are but sheep." TheStrivingUmmi

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Forced Marriage

      Originally posted by Zarzi View Post
      Assalumu alaikum.

      Am new here so please forgive me if am posting at the wrong place

      My name is Abdul-Mumin.
      Last year, my parents spoke to me about a lady they felt will be a good wife for me. This lady is a family friend who stays with her parents in Saudi Arabia. Upon consultations, I requested to see her picture after which I agreed to it. This made my parents happy. The lady and I started talking and it was agreed that she comes to Ghana so we can meet and get to know each other better. She came to Ghana for a few months, during which time she told me that Ghana was not a pleasant place for her and that she wanted to go back to Saudi Arabia. I could not stop her against her wish so she left. This brought a problem between my family and hers since my parents felt they had been betrayed by the ladies family. What was once a very good relationship between my parents and hers then faded to the extent that my dad and hers are not in contact anymore.
      After this issue, I met a lady whom I was interested in and spoke to my mum about it. My mum rejected her on the basis of politics, tribe and also that the ladies mother was not a good person. To avoid any misunderstanding between us I listened to my parents and let it go.
      Not long afterwards, my parents then spoke to another lady who happens to be my mums friends daughter and thought she will make a good wife for me AGAIN.
      This time around, I rejected it and told my parents I did not love her (for clarification, I know this lady and have met her mostly when my mum sends me to her mum).
      My refusal to marry the second lady they proposed caused my parents to call me all sort of names and even started blackmailing me in a way. I tried explaining to them that I did not love the lady and it will be bad for me to accept her and not treat her well, in a way I should treat my wife.
      I have found a woman I am interested in, who is religious. May dad still doesn't speak to me because of my refusal to marry a woman of his choice and my mum tells me the only thing I can do to make her happy is to marry the lady they are picking for me.
      Will I be sinning if I go against their wish and marry this lady I love?
      Thank you.

      Assalamu alaikum
      If you are a female then it is sinful to not listen to the father. Since you are a male, then you are allowed to go against your parents wishes.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Forced Marriage

        Originally posted by brothernd View Post
        If you are a female then it is sinful to not listen to the father. Since you are a male, then you are allowed to go against your parents wishes.
        That's not true. Both men and women much obey their parents and try to please them. But when it comes to forced marriage, parents can not force their sons or daughter to marry someone. It's not a matter of male or female. If it's about getting married, then yes, the man can get married without the parents' approval, but it's best to try to convince them and please them. The woman can not get married without a wali, true. But even then, in case the parents are unreasonable, the responsibility of wali can go to other male mahram of the family like the grandfather, brother, ect. If all of them are unreasonale, the the shari'a judge can marry her off after analyzing her case. Allahu a'laam.
        *"None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself."* [Al-Bukhari & Muslim]
        "Mindless are those who only jump when told to jump, cry when told to cry, and laugh when told to laugh. Indeed, they are but sheep." TheStrivingUmmi

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Forced Marriage

          Originally posted by Oum Soumayyah View Post
          That's not true. Both men and women much obey their parents and try to please them. But when it comes to forced marriage, parents can not force their sons or daughter to marry someone. It's not a matter of male or female. If it's about getting married, then yes, the man can get married without the parents' approval, but it's best to try to convince them and please them. The woman can not get married without a wali, true. But even then, in case the parents are unreasonable, the responsibility of wali can go to other male mahram of the family like the grandfather, brother, ect. If all of them are unreasonale, the the shari'a judge can marry her off after analyzing her case. Allahu a'laam.
          You're correct, technically my wording is incorrect and I failed to say what you have said eloquently. JazakAllahu khair. OP: your parents do not have a right of deciding your marriage, but they have a right to wishing and suggesting for you. And you may choose to listen to them that would be better. Again, its about doing that which is the better of the two good deeds and doing lesser of the two evils. If you choose to do the lesser good, that does not mean that you are sinful.

          If however, you talk down towards parents, that is sinful. Be kind and nice to them.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Forced Marriage

            I don't think your sinning at all, but how do you know that you don't love this girl? I mean love comes after marriage unless your leaving something out or you may mean you don't find her attractive?

            Either way both men/women have rights to refuse a marriage proposal and parents aren't allowed to force marriage on anyone either speak to them or get a local imam to speak.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Forced Marriage

              I really appreciate the response I am getting from all of you. I believe In Sha Allah it will help me decide on which course to take.

              I have tried calling my father on several occasions but he never answers. My uncle whom i though will listen to me is also siding with them and suggested I call and speak with the lady. (I know and have seen and spoken with the lady before this whole arrange marriage thing). I told them if I accept to marry the lady, its because i want peace in the family and to make they my parents happy and not because I love the lady. My dad told my uncle to tell me that, if I am calling to lady on the condition that I have accepted to marry her then I should call, but if not i should not call her.
              All they keep telling me is that I have embarrassed them and saying all sort of things to me. I have tried talking to them but they will not listen.
              I spoke with one of my uncles who is an Imam to intercede and talk to my parents. When he did, they were angry at me for telling anyone in the extended family about it.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Forced Marriage

                Originally posted by Zarzi View Post
                I really appreciate the response I am getting from all of you. I believe In Sha Allah it will help me decide on which course to take.

                I have tried calling my father on several occasions but he never answers. My uncle whom i though will listen to me is also siding with them and suggested I call and speak with the lady. (I know and have seen and spoken with the lady before this whole arrange marriage thing). I told them if I accept to marry the lady, its because i want peace in the family and to make they my parents happy and not because I love the lady. My dad told my uncle to tell me that, if I am calling to lady on the condition that I have accepted to marry her then I should call, but if not i should not call her.
                All they keep telling me is that I have embarrassed them and saying all sort of things to me. I have tried talking to them but they will not listen.
                I spoke with one of my uncles who is an Imam to intercede and talk to my parents. When he did, they were angry at me for telling anyone in the extended family about it.
                You may as well ask them if divorce from this lady would make them feel embarrassed?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Forced Marriage

                  I wish I could. They dont even pick my calls. They have cut me off. and the only way they will listen to me is if i agree to marry the lady they are proposing

                  Comment

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