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  • #16
    Re: Advice on initiating a khula...

    It is sad to know about your situation and May Allah assist you and your family in this matter. Ameen

    As mentioned earlier by sisters on this thread it would be best that you follow the the very basic two pre requisites.

    - Mushwara (Consultation with family members)
    - Istikhara

    Once you have done the above and have decided to move forward with separation - make sure that everything is documented in black and white.

    Ask your husband for divorce and according to Sunnah he needs to give 1 Islamic divorce, when you are not having your periods. You have to spend Idda for 3 cycles and your husband has to look after you during the idda period - financially. Kindly make sure that you stay indoors during this time and all this should happen in front of family members so that you have witnesses in case someone tries to take advantage of you at a later stage. Also if he has a bit of love for you, he will feel ashamed that the matter has come to this extent and would try to resolve things and would request you for time to see him as a changed man. You can also ask him to write it and give to you, I am not sure but i think in UK court it might be required. If he gets angry and in anger gives you three straight talaaqs - still you will be divorced.

    In case he does not give you Talaaq after you have asked, you should then ask him for "Khul" which is like an agreement initiated from you - wife. If you wish, you can forgive the dowry (mahr) and its completely up to you to make this decision. Please be mindful when making this decision and also think about your future. If your husband gives you khul then again you have to wait for three cycles of your periods before getting married again.

    Some people refuse everything and they just say no without even trying to change themselves or by improving the relations. In this situation you only have the option to request a Scholar to annul the marriage. I don't know the process in UK and maybe some of the sisters from this forum would be able to help you. Sister Jennica has already provided you some details so please look in to it if the case is simply of rejecting your request.

    In one of the worst cases i have seen - a brother actually recorded the negative behavior of the husband and all what happened after that to show it to Scholars and later in the court because this guy was refusing to divorce her wife so things had to be taken to a different level.

    Do not forget to speak with a local reputable Sheikh about your situation so that he can guide you in detail.

    May Allah makes it easy for you, guide you and all of us towards the right path. Ameen
    "The only one who will not break ur heart is the one who made it"

    FriEND..BestfriEND..GirlfriEND..BoyfriEND..Everyth ing comes to an END... Except Allah ﷻ strengthen your love for the One who created your heart.

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    • #17
      Re: Advice on initiating a khula...

      Originally posted by talibeilm100 View Post
      It is sad to know about your situation and May Allah assist you and your family in this matter. Ameen

      As mentioned earlier by sisters on this thread it would be best that you follow the the very basic two pre requisites.

      - Mushwara (Consultation with family members)
      - Istikhara

      Once you have done the above and have decided to move forward with separation - make sure that everything is documented in black and white.

      Ask your husband for divorce and according to Sunnah he needs to give 1 Islamic divorce, when you are not having your periods. You have to spend Idda for 3 cycles and your husband has to look after you during the idda period - financially. Kindly make sure that you stay indoors during this time and all this should happen in front of family members so that you have witnesses in case someone tries to take advantage of you at a later stage. Also if he has a bit of love for you, he will feel ashamed that the matter has come to this extent and would try to resolve things and would request you for time to see him as a changed man. You can also ask him to write it and give to you, I am not sure but i think in UK court it might be required. If he gets angry and in anger gives you three straight talaaqs - still you will be divorced.

      In case he does not give you Talaaq after you have asked, you should then ask him for "Khul" which is like an agreement initiated from you - wife. If you wish, you can forgive the dowry (mahr) and its completely up to you to make this decision. Please be mindful when making this decision and also think about your future. If your husband gives you khul then again you have to wait for three cycles of your periods before getting married again.

      Some people refuse everything and they just say no without even trying to change themselves or by improving the relations. In this situation you only have the option to request a Scholar to annul the marriage. I don't know the process in UK and maybe some of the sisters from this forum would be able to help you. Sister Jennica has already provided you some details so please look in to it if the case is simply of rejecting your request.

      In one of the worst cases i have seen - a brother actually recorded the negative behavior of the husband and all what happened after that to show it to Scholars and later in the court because this guy was refusing to divorce her wife so things had to be taken to a different level.

      Do not forget to speak with a local reputable Sheikh about your situation so that he can guide you in detail.

      May Allah makes it easy for you, guide you and all of us towards the right path. Ameen
      Jazakallah khair brother for taking the time to provide such an informative response, it is greatly appreciated.

      Comment


      • #18
        Re: Advice on initiating a khula...

        Contact the nearest shariah council to you depending on your location if in England, complete a very basic form, write them a cheque for admin fees and that's it done!

        I don't want to give you any advice as don't know your situation but the above is the way to dissolve your marriage without any fuss.

        Comment


        • #19
          Re: Help! Advice needed on divorce / initiating a khula...

          Subhan'Allah. Im really sorry to hear that you are such a situation and I pray that Allah swt makes a way out for you soon.

          Everything I write is pretty much from experience. That doesnt mean its the "gospel truth" because it isnt, but it helps to take advice from someone who has been a similar situation

          Just a few pointers

          - Be weary of some Shariah Councils. I have known some situations where they have taken money from sisters and just left them without initiating khula/certificate etc
          - Check which scholars sit on the panel and make sure they are legitimate Scholars whose decisions are accepted readily.
          - I highly readily recommend the number that I gave you. Speak to Moulana Ejaz. Alhumdollilah hes a senior Scholar who is the administrator there and he will be best positioned to advice you. He manages a huge caseload.
          - Failing that: http://www.islamictarbiyah.com/advice.php . Mufti Zubair Dudha at one point offered advice on marriage quite confidentially. Insha'Allah he may be able to help you as well.
          - Please please please get some elders involved. I cant emphasis this enough, because its so important. Even though when we are in the middle of it all, we still need the support and guidance of particularly the menfolk. I remember when I was going through all the nonsense, i wasnt even able to think clearly, my teachers, father, brother etc cleaned up my mess of a life.

          Have you considered the practical aspects of this. If you initiate khula/divorce etc and your husband finds out about it - how will he treat you? Is he violent/physically abusive?....dont do anything to make things worse for yourself. I was petrified of my ex husband and I was scared to even go out of the house of make phone calls, let alone initiate divorce.
          Do you have somewhere else you could maybe move to?
          Do you have children together?
          What do your family say to your intentions?
          You will need lots of good friends and family members to help through the next few months if you do decide to go through with this.

          Im not sure if getting a khula would be the correct thing in your situation....the other option that you can have is something known as faskh ( an annulment ). Its basically where you take your case to the Shairah Coucil, and they will consider all the things you have to say. They will speak to your husband, and most of the correspondence is via letters, but you are called to a meeting with panel of 6/7 Scholars, and a legal guy, who will them get to the bottom of the them. They will speak to you and your husband individually and alhumdollilah are really professional in how they conduct everything

          A faskh e nikah is that issued if they feel that the husband is violating the rights of the wife and she cannot be expected to live with him in such circumstances, although they may push your husband to give you talaq, as this is seen as very resort.

          It is a lengthy process, and they will push towards and support a reconciliation if possible

          I will always remember the comment of the scholars when I ex "offered" me a divorce if I returned his mahr.

          "The mahr is given to the woman in Islam so she can live with you in honour as your wife, not so you can use her as you wish"

          The iddah is the same, for 3 menstural cycles.

          Anyway if you need help with anything, please do not hesitate give me a shout sister :love:

          May Allah swt ease all your affairs and make an easy way out for you x

          by the way: divorce isnt cheap. Most Islamic councils charge an admin fee, and legal divorce is also very expensive. You can claim costs from your ex, or get your court fees payed if you are below a threshold income.
          Last edited by Jenicca; 24-06-15, 12:57 PM.
          وَالْعَصْرِ

          إِنَّ الْإِنسَانَ لَفِي خُسْرٍ

          إِلَّا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَعَمِلُوا الصَّالِحَاتِ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالْحَقِّ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالصَّبْرِ

          "If Allah (swt) only sent this Surah to us, for the guidance of Mankind, this will be enough for us” - Imam Shaafi'ee r.a.

          "Yeh dunya daar e faani hain, Tum apna dil mat lagaon, Ganimat samaj zinadagee ki bahar, aana na hoga, yahaa baar baar......"

          Khanqah Habibiyah

          Comment


          • #20
            Re: Help! Advice needed on divorce / initiating a khula...

            Originally posted by Jenicca View Post
            Subhan'Allah. Im really sorry to hear that you are such a situation and I pray that Allah swt makes a way out for you soon.

            Everything I write is pretty much from experience. That doesnt mean its the "gospel truth" because it isnt, but it helps to take advice from someone who has been a similar situation

            Just a few pointers

            - Be weary of some Shariah Councils. I have known some situations where they have taken money from sisters and just left them without initiating khula/certificate etc
            - Check which scholars sit on the panel and make sure they are legitimate Scholars whose decisions are accepted readily.
            - I highly readily recommend the number that I gave you. Speak to Moulana Ejaz. Alhumdollilah hes a senior Scholar who is the administrator there and he will be best positioned to advice you. He manages a huge caseload.
            - Failing that: http://www.islamictarbiyah.com/advice.php . Mufti Zubair Dudha at one point offered advice on marriage quite confidentially. Insha'Allah he may be able to help you as well.
            - Please please please get some elders involved. I cant emphasis this enough, because its so important. Even though when we are in the middle of it all, we still need the support and guidance of particularly the menfolk. I remember when I was going through all the nonsense, i wasnt even able to think clearly, my teachers, father, brother etc cleaned up my mess of a life.

            Have you considered the practical aspects of this. If you initiate khula/divorce etc and your husband finds out about it - how will he treat you? Is he violent/physically abusive?....dont do anything to make things worse for yourself. I was petrified of my ex husband and I was scared to even go out of the house of make phone calls, let alone initiate divorce.
            Do you have somewhere else you could maybe move to?
            Do you have children together?
            What do your family say to your intentions?
            You will need lots of good friends and family members to help through the next few months if you do decide to go through with this.

            Im not sure if getting a khula would be the correct thing in your situation....the other option that you can have is something known as faskh ( an annulment ). Its basically where you take your case to the Shairah Coucil, and they will consider all the things you have to say. They will speak to your husband, and most of the correspondence is via letters, but you are called to a meeting with panel of 6/7 Scholars, and a legal guy, who will them get to the bottom of the them. They will speak to you and your husband individually and alhumdollilah are really professional in how they conduct everything

            A faskh e nikah is that issued if they feel that the husband is violating the rights of the wife and she cannot be expected to live with him in such circumstances, although they may push your husband to give you talaq, as this is seen as very resort.

            It is a lengthy process, and they will push towards and support a reconciliation if possible

            I will always remember the comment of the scholars when I ex "offered" me a divorce if I returned his mahr.

            "The mahr is given to the woman in Islam so she can live with you in honour as your wife, not so you can use her as you wish"

            The iddah is the same, for 3 menstural cycles.

            Anyway if you need help with anything, please do not hesitate give me a shout sister :love:

            May Allah swt ease all your affairs and make an easy way out for you x

            by the way: divorce isnt cheap. Most Islamic councils charge an admin fee, and legal divorce is also very expensive. You can claim costs from your ex, or get your court fees payed if you are below a threshold income.
            Jazakhallah khair sister, thank you from the bottom of my heart. A lot here to contemplate. I have decided to try and just focus on Ramadan for now, not that that means I'm burying my head in the sand of course, but surviving in an emotionally abusive relationship is exhausting - as I am guessing you already know, so I intend to face all this when my mind and body can take the extra pressure inshaAllah.

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