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  • Advice on initiating a khula...

    Asalamualaikum and Ramadan Mubarak!

    I know that the subject of divorce can be a bit taboo, but has anyone here been through divorce or specifically the process of khula?

    I am in a desperately unhappy marriage and seek advice on what to do. My husband is narcissistic, has an anger problem, lies all the time, drinks, smokes, swears, throws tantrums, and although only Allah knows what it in his heart, by his character and behaviour he is barely muslim.

    Please note, my intention with this post is not to just simply moan about my husband. I am sincerely asking for help and advice. I have tip-toed around egg shells for over a year and I've had enough. My self esteem has completely shrivelled. By the power of Allah, only recently have I managed to grow a thicker skin and began to dare to stand up for myself.

    I have contacted a sheikh to request marriage counselling and am currently waiting to hear back from him inshaAllah, but truthfully I don't think this is fixable. I don't intend to go into initiating a khula until after Ramadan as I don't want to jeopardise our wonderful month. But I am hoping in the meantime I may be able to seek support from others who have been in a similar situation and are now enjoying life on the other side. I know this life is just temporary but marriage should not be a prison sentence I am set to serve.

    Jazakhallah khair for your help and suggestions.
    Last edited by Rashiqa; 19-06-15, 06:25 PM.

  • #2
    Re: Advice on initiating a khula...

    wa alaykum salaam sister
    Khair Mubarak!
    Sister, I am sorry that you are going through this at the moment, I think the first steps is to try counselling before going ahead the khula. None of us really know you husband or your situation, but that would be my first advice.
    Does he pray? Make lots of dua and pray istikhara before you make any decision. For this month, concentrate on your prayers and fasting and, keep any thoughts of khula out of your mind.
    No Longer On UF

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Advice on initiating a khula...

      Jazakhallah khair. Thank you sister.

      He does pray now and then, but not consistently. I know we all have our faults, and may Allah guide us all, but salah is often a long way down on his list of priorities. I don't remember the last time he stepped inside a masjid.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Advice on initiating a khula...

        Sharee Council,*
        PO Box 250,*
        Dewsbury,*
        WF12 9YD
        01924 464122

        http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthrea...-Organisations

        The first address is off an organisation that ought to you although it may be a lengthy process.

        Not sure if they are open in the holy month.

        Failing that see the other thread for people who could help

        May Allah ease all your affairs xxx
        وَالْعَصْرِ

        إِنَّ الْإِنسَانَ لَفِي خُسْرٍ

        إِلَّا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَعَمِلُوا الصَّالِحَاتِ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالْحَقِّ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالصَّبْرِ

        "If Allah (swt) only sent this Surah to us, for the guidance of Mankind, this will be enough for us - Imam Shaafi'ee r.a.

        "Yeh dunya daar e faani hain, Tum apna dil mat lagaon, Ganimat samaj zinadagee ki bahar, aana na hoga, yahaa baar baar......"

        Khanqah Habibiyah

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Advice on initiating a khula...

          May Allah reward you for being a patient person...how can someone live with another who is drinking alcohol...are you based in the UK? if near London..then LKondon hasa shariah council that will assist you in getting a khula..
          Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Advice on initiating a khula...

            Originally posted by Rashiqa View Post
            Asalamualaikum and Ramadan Mubarak!

            I know that the subject of divorce can be a bit taboo, but has anyone here been through divorce or specifically the process of khula?

            I am in a desperately unhappy marriage and seek advice on what to do. My husband is narcissistic, has an anger problem, lies all the time, drinks, smokes, swears, throws tantrums, and although only Allah knows what it in his heart, by his character and behaviour he is barely muslim.

            Please note, my intention with this post is not to just simply moan about my husband. I am sincerely asking for help and advice. I have tip-toed around egg shells for over a year and I've had enough. My self esteem has completely shrivelled. By the power of Allah, only recently have I managed to grow a thicker skin and began to dare to stand up for myself.

            I have contacted a sheikh to request marriage counselling and am currently waiting to hear back from him inshaAllah, but truthfully I don't think this is fixable. I don't intend to go into initiating a khula until after Ramadan as I don't want to jeopardise our wonderful month. But I am hoping in the meantime I may be able to seek support from others who have been in a similar situation and are now enjoying life on the other side. I know this life is just temporary but marriage should not be a prison sentence I am set to serve.

            Jazakhallah khair for your help and suggestions.
            I think it's nice that you are still willing to work on it and try counselling. Besides the drinking my father did everything that you mentioned above and was physically abuse amoungst other things. My mom and us stayed with with him for a very long time and was encouraged by others to stay with him as it would look bad on us if we left him and other reasons. After they finally did separate it was so different in a positive way. There was finally peace and when we look back we think what was wrong with us,we were so brainwashed and afraid to leave and continued to put up with so much. Till this day my mom regrets not leaving him years ago. From my experience my father never changed and if you try counselling and your husband does not change his ways honestly just move on with your life before you end up having children and risking how they will be raised and wasting your life with him.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Advice on initiating a khula...

              Salaam...

              Not all marriages succeed and some fail which is part of life.. You gave it all you have to give, stood by him even though you were unhappy and even seeking counciling for your issues.. Which I doubt will help but it's a good start from your part. Your patience will be rewarded sis inshAllah..
              With my dad it is was different... He didn't drink but done the rest that you mentioned in your post and even was voilent.. Alhamdulilah your's is not. And as much as we try to hide the damage, truth is it's there and each one of his children suffered differently. My point is please avoid having children with this Man until it's all sorted cause if it's not sorted and you have children.. Then they will pay the price either way. My mum often said.. "I should of left but I felt sorry for him" I'm thinking.. What about us mum.. No one felt sorry for us when he beat us voilently.. Her silence hurts me. Don't do the same mistake and inshAllah you will be okay. All the best sis. Xx you're doing the right thing.
              I love you, cherish you and worship you,
              Guide me on your path to your janna,
              Unite me beside you My King and all mighty,


              :love:Allah:love:

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Advice on initiating a khula...

                First thing first is you kick him out the house

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Advice on initiating a khula...

                  Originally posted by Jazmine* View Post
                  I think it's nice that you are still willing to work on it and try counselling. Besides the drinking my father did everything that you mentioned above and was physically abuse amoungst other things. My mom and us stayed with with him for a very long time and was encouraged by others to stay with him as it would look bad on us if we left him and other reasons. After they finally did separate it was so different in a positive way. There was finally peace and when we look back we think what was wrong with us,we were so brainwashed and afraid to leave and continued to put up with so much. Till this day my mom regrets not leaving him years ago. From my experience my father never changed and if you try counselling and your husband does not change his ways honestly just move on with your life before you end up having children and risking how they will be raised and wasting your life with him.

                  Originally posted by Fragile View Post
                  Salaam...

                  Not all marriages succeed and some fail which is part of life.. You gave it all you have to give, stood by him even though you were unhappy and even seeking counciling for your issues.. Which I doubt will help but it's a good start from your part. Your patience will be rewarded sis inshAllah..
                  With my dad it is was different... He didn't drink but done the rest that you mentioned in your post and even was voilent.. Alhamdulilah your's is not. And as much as we try to hide the damage, truth is it's there and each one of his children suffered differently. My point is please avoid having children with this Man until it's all sorted cause if it's not sorted and you have children.. Then they will pay the price either way. My mum often said.. "I should of left but I felt sorry for him" I'm thinking.. What about us mum.. No one felt sorry for us when he beat us voilently.. Her silence hurts me. Don't do the same mistake and inshAllah you will be okay. All the best sis. Xx you're doing the right thing.
                  Asalamualaikum sisters, I'm so sorry to hear about each of your unfortunate childhoods. May Allah bless you both, your mothers and your siblings. Alhamdulillah I am so glad I haven't had any children with this man. I entered this marriage so keen to start a family, but within months found myself begging Allah to get me out. I really appreciate your encouragement, I had been convincing myself that by leaving, I was abandoning my husband and that I could help him, but I am realising now that no matter what I try and no matter how many times he apologises, the cycle continues and by staying I am only encouraging that to continue. It took a long time for me to acknowledge his behaviour as abusive. Alhamdulillah I am now awake.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Advice on initiating a khula...

                    Originally posted by *Sweety* View Post
                    First thing first is you kick him out the house

                    lol, jazakhallah khair sister but I don't believe this would be productive. First of all, the house is in his name - do I even have a legal right to throw him out? Secondly, I feel this would just provoke more drama. I have learnt that the best way to bear my husbands behaviour is with strength, but silent strength. He has been arrested and has served prison time for aggressive behaviour while we've been married. Alhamdulillah he has never raised a fist at me, but I would like to keep it this way inshaAllah.

                    I am intrigued to know if anyone can tell me... I understand that when it comes to divorcing in Islam, it's deemed as most fair if family members are brought in as kind of mediators. Firstly, is this shari'a? Or is this just an advice to ensure things are kept fair? Because truthfully I would rather not involve family members. And a second question I have is, I have read that in cases of a khula, the wife is to return her dowry to the husband. I wasn't given any money or anything material, I had a deferred mahr in that my husband took me on umrah. How does this work? Do I have to pay him back for this?

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Advice on initiating a khula...

                      Originally posted by Rashiqa View Post
                      lol, jazakhallah khair sister but I don't believe this would be productive. First of all, the house is in his name - do I even have a legal right to throw him out? Secondly, I feel this would just provoke more drama. I have learnt that the best way to bear my husbands behaviour is with strength, but silent strength. He has been arrested and has served prison time for aggressive behaviour while we've been married. Alhamdulillah he has never raised a fist at me, but I would like to keep it this way inshaAllah.

                      I am intrigued to know if anyone can tell me... I understand that when it comes to divorcing in Islam, it's deemed as most fair if family members are brought in as kind of mediators. Firstly, is this shari'a? Or is this just an advice to ensure things are kept fair? Because truthfully I would rather not involve family members. And a second question I have is, I have read that in cases of a khula, the wife is to return her dowry to the husband. I wasn't given any money or anything material, I had a deferred mahr in that my husband took me on umrah. How does this work? Do I have to pay him back for this?
                      "And if you fear a breach between spouses, appoint one arbiter from the relatives of the husband and one from the relatives of the wife. If the twosides sincerely desire to set things right, Allah will create a way' of reconciliation between them, for surely Allah knows everything and is aware of everything" [4:35]

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Advice on initiating a khula...

                        Originally posted by Rashiqa View Post
                        lol, jazakhallah khair sister but I don't believe this would be productive. First of all, the house is in his name - do I even have a legal right to throw him out? Secondly, I feel this would just provoke more drama. I have learnt that the best way to bear my husbands behaviour is with strength, but silent strength. He has been arrested and has served prison time for aggressive behaviour while we've been married. Alhamdulillah he has never raised a fist at me, but I would like to keep it this way inshaAllah.

                        I am intrigued to know if anyone can tell me... I understand that when it comes to divorcing in Islam, it's deemed as most fair if family members are brought in as kind of mediators. Firstly, is this shari'a? Or is this just an advice to ensure things are kept fair? Because truthfully I would rather not involve family members. And a second question I have is, I have read that in cases of a khula, the wife is to return her dowry to the husband. I wasn't given any money or anything material, I had a deferred mahr in that my husband took me on umrah. How does this work? Do I have to pay him back for this?
                        I will never understand women like you who show so much patience and willing to give men who are worthless a chance.. I hope your situation turns better....this man seems ot be horrendous..you married him while he was an alcoholic..how can any wali agree to giving their daughter to a man like this.. .Did your husband take you to umrah..Ihave heard that if you get khiula you need to return mahr but if it was never paid then I guess you owe him nothing....
                        Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Advice on initiating a khula...

                          Originally posted by shay5 View Post
                          I will never understand women like you who show so much patience and willing to give men who are worthless a chance.. I hope your situation turns better....this man seems ot be horrendous..you married him while he was an alcoholic..how can any wali agree to giving their daughter to a man like this.. .Did your husband take you to umrah..Ihave heard that if you get khiula you need to return mahr but if it was never paid then I guess you owe him nothing....
                          Sister, this isn't my dad's fault. Remember, you only know of the situation that which I have put into a little text box. Honestly I never thought I would be the type of person to find myself in this situation, but it is what it is. I'm dealing with it now and am looking for support.

                          My husband did take me on umrah, yes, so do I have to find a way to return the cost of this to him?

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Advice on initiating a khula...

                            Originally posted by shay5 View Post
                            I will never understand women like you who show so much patience and willing to give men who are worthless a chance.. I hope your situation turns better....this man seems ot be horrendous..you married him while he was an alcoholic..how can any wali agree to giving their daughter to a man like this.. .Did your husband take you to umrah..Ihave heard that if you get khiula you need to return mahr but if it was never paid then I guess you owe him nothing....
                            Does it need to be returned in all cases?

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Advice on initiating a khula...

                              Originally posted by Rashiqa View Post
                              Sister, this isn't my dad's fault. Remember, you only know of the situation that which I have put into a little text box. Honestly I never thought I would be the type of person to find myself in this situation, but it is what it is. I'm dealing with it now and am looking for support.

                              My husband did take me on umrah, yes, so do I have to find a way to return the cost of this to him?
                              Your dad and family need to step in to show they have your back.a man who knows there are consequences will think twice before he harm his wife..Allah did not make us doormats that have to suffer continuously....I am praying for you..you will need even more strength when you leave him...
                              Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

                              Comment

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