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Marrying someone who doesn't want you teaching them Islam.

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  • #31
    Re: Marrying someone who doesn't want you teaching them Islam.

    Maybe you are coming across as nagging? It is fine line. Imagine if the table was switched & he constantly asked you about your prayers, your study, your sleep habit. especially areas you are struggling. Would you like him to constantly question/remind you of your weakness. Maybe that is why he doesn't want you to do that & I can guarantee you he won't like it after marriage if you keep questioning (in your word reminding but in his view its questioning) him.

    The best way to invite people to Islam is by showing your own practice. When you are married & living together, when you get up and do your fajar prayer then that act by itself will remind him of doing fajar prayer. By observing you pray & carry out Islamic lifestyle, he will get that constant reminder. However, even after marriage you can't take a aggressive role in making him a better muslim. When you marry someone you marry them as is with the hope of them getting better but not the expectation of getting better. You have to be ok with him as he is & you have to focus on your life. AT the end of the day, you will be questioned for your deed and he will be questioned for his.

    For now, talk to him about your day. Mention that you did xyz prayer & read quran and it was a good day. that should give him reminder. There is no need for him to give you a progress report to you daily. He isn't religious, you know that. He can make some improvement but making a lifestyle change will have to come from with in

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    • #32
      Re: Marrying someone who doesn't want you teaching them Islam.

      Originally posted by nono2158 View Post
      Assalamualaikum.

      So I recently met a brother and inshallah we will be doing our nikah in a few months, as we both study in different countries and this is the soonest time possible to do it. Now I guess we both don't have the strongest faith and iman to have zero contact till we get married, so we communicate quite a bit. Regardless of that, I have one issue with him. He hates me commenting or reminding him, or asking him about anything to do with Islam. This is something I habitually got into doing as he wasn't practicing at all when we first met, and alhamdulillah with Allah's mercy and guidance he's changed and improved a lot with my influence and help as well. It was never my intention at first to talk and teach him about Islam, but that happened without my knowledge. So it became a habit that I'd ask him about his prayers, remind him to do them on time, simple things like that. But about a month or so ago he just asked me to stop asking him anything about it, because his religion is between himself and Allah. Which yes i completely 100% agree with, we don't have to answer to anyone else but Allah.
      But my question is, once we're married, is this something I'm not allowed to guide my husband on? If he's missing prayers cos he's carried away with his work, is it really wrong of me to remind him? I look at marriage as a whole new chapter of learning from, growing with someone, and teaching them things, especially about our religion. I'm finding it extremely hard to keep all my questions, reminders and comments to myself, because he doesn't want me "mediating" between him and Allah. It was never my intention to do that, I simply want the best for him and I remind him because I know it's a long process to adjust your lifestyle once you've been out of it for so long. And I do it with the purest intentions because I know he's the type of person who needs a reminder every now and again.
      That being said, I can't imagine being married to someone who doesn't want my help or guidance at all ! I feel so useless, like if I can't remind you or ask about your prayers, make sure you're going for Jumma'h on friday, reciting when you have free time, catching up on missed fasts, what else is my use?! (obviously I know I have tonnes more to offer and do) but when islam is such a big part of my life, marrying someone who doesn't want me to share anything about my religion is very worrying. And lastly, I completely stopped asking him anything, then accidentally today asked if he had prayed asr, like i said it without even realising. And he always brings it up (telling me to stop reminding him) and then says "you can do it when we're married". Is this normal?! Are many guys like this? I really hope once we're married he wont be giving me this attitude, but I dont know...maybe he still will :S
      If anyone has been in this situation or had some advice that would be great. I really don't want this to be a reason that I break off this relationship, because in every other way we are very compatible. I just need to understand from a different perspective if i'm the one doing something wrong? I really don't want the judgement and hate coming at me in any way, I only want some insightful advice on how to handle this situation!

      Jazakallah khair
      Wa 'alaykum salaam wa-rahmatullah wa-barakatuh my dear sister.

      First of all, I would like to say that I'm very proud of you for even thinking this through and seeking different point of views. You do seem like a level-headed woman Allahumma baarik laki. May Allah bless you. Now I'll give you my perspective of it all after reading other brothers and sisters questions for more clarification. Since we don't know the whole situation and don't know the man personally, I'll answer based on what was shared in shaa Allah.

      As for you reminding this man about his salah and all, I can understand why he would say what he said even though I don't necessarily agree with it. Men have ego, simple. Sometimes you just have to find the best and un-obvious ways to make a point.He doesn't want to feel like you are dictating to him or ordering him to pray. It may not be because he doesn't do it, but because he wants to do it without thinking that you are the one who asked him to. Especially before marriage, he may not want to feel like you will be his watch-woman 24/7. And this is beside being just a man. When I (a woman) was on my journey, I didn't mind asking for help constantly, but I didn't necessarily like being told to do this or that. But of course, I wasn't ready to get married because I had to focus on my journey towards Allah first.

      That takes me to the next point, do NOT get married to someone hoping for change after marriage. If Islam is not #1 in someone's life, then he is not ready to start a family on the Deen. Yes, some people get married to "not-so-practicing" people who may even end up more keen to Islam than them and some seemingly pious people can end up even atheist. But at the end of the day, we judge by the apparent, not by what could or will happen. The future is for Allah to determine; our job is to take all the precautions, make istikharah and rely on Allah. That also means not ignoring red flags. A spouse is someone you plan on spending the rest of your life with and form a family with in shaa Allah; so it is a big deal. Certain things should not be a big deal, but other things should (i.e. Deen). It's all about priorities basically.

      You know this person more than us, so if you feel like Islam is not his main concern in life, do NOT get married to him until you are sure that he is different on his own accord. If you feel that he does care about Islam, but he is not yet there, it is not your job to do that do for him. You get married based on Deen and character, not based on potentials or what the person could be. A person who takes Islam as the center of his/her life would himself be concerned with your salah and you with his naturally. If it is not mutual, then it becomes like you are nagging him; and no one wants a "nagging" spouse.
      Listen, anything can happen along the line in marriage. You may get weaker on your Deen one day and would need your husband to lift you up and remind you kindly and vice versa. But if from the get-go you seem to be the only one concerned about these things, it will get exhausting even for you at one point if things continue like that. It needs to be mutual.

      And Allah knows best.
      May Allah make this easy for you and help you make the best decision.

      Ameen.
      *"None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself."* [Al-Bukhari & Muslim]
      "Mindless are those who only jump when told to jump, cry when told to cry, and laugh when told to laugh. Indeed, they are but sheep." TheStrivingUmmi

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      • #33
        Re: Marrying someone who doesn't want you teaching them Islam.

        Originally posted by *sheba* View Post
        he doesn't sound worth the drama, if I'm honest. I would look for someone who is very similar to me in how he views Islam in his daily life. You should also work on cutting down/stopping all this chit chat because a marriage that started in sin is never a good start. Get your wali to do his job instead of letting you take the lead. may Allah take care of all your affairs in best of ways. ameeen
        Agree on that part entirely.
        *"None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself."* [Al-Bukhari & Muslim]
        "Mindless are those who only jump when told to jump, cry when told to cry, and laugh when told to laugh. Indeed, they are but sheep." TheStrivingUmmi

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        • #34
          Re: Marrying someone who doesn't want you teaching them Islam.

          I would not do it...in tough times you need your partner to be close to Allah and I have seen it way too often that the husband does not pray and there is no blessings in the household..you are also accountable right now...you can stop talking to him..tell him he needsto start routine of praying and If Iwas your situation Iwould give him 3 months to get in the habvit of praying..
          Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

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          • #35
            Re: Marrying someone who doesn't want you teaching them Islam.

            Originally posted by Oum Soumayyah View Post
            Agree on that part entirely.
            Welcome to the forum, I agree with your post above also, in particular about not marrying someone and hoping to change them. :jkk:
            O people who take pleasure in a life that will vanish, falling in love with a fading shadow is sheer stupidity~ Ibn Qayyim Al-Jawziyya

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            • #36
              Re: Marrying someone who doesn't want you teaching them Islam.

              Shouldn't the title be "Marrying someone who has a weak hold on his Islam"?

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              • #37
                Re: Marrying someone who doesn't want you teaching them Islam.

                Originally posted by *sheba* View Post
                Welcome to the forum, I agree with your post above also, in particular about not marrying someone and hoping to change them. :jkk:
                Jazaki Allahu feeki for the welcome sister. :)
                *"None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself."* [Al-Bukhari & Muslim]
                "Mindless are those who only jump when told to jump, cry when told to cry, and laugh when told to laugh. Indeed, they are but sheep." TheStrivingUmmi

                Comment

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