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Question of Fiqh: Must a girl obey her parents' decision to get her married?

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  • Linkdeutscher
    replied
    Re: Question of Fiqh: Must a girl obey her parents' decision to get her married?

    According to many scholars, forced marriage is zina. However that is not the topic, the topic is whether a girl is obligated to obey her parents or not, and to my limited knowledge she isn't based on the sunnah.

    Leave a comment:


  • Oum Soumayyah
    replied
    Re: Question of Fiqh: Must a girl obey her parents' decision to get her married?

    Originally posted by Luces View Post
    The title is pretty much it.

    We do all sorts of things just for the sake of our parents, from choice of university major to what haircut we get.

    If the general principle is to obey parents unless what they command is haram, then is it correct to follow through with a marriage even knowing that the marriage is 90% likely to be a failure.


    وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ وَهْنًا عَلَىٰ وَهْنٍ وَفِصَالُهُ فِي عَامَيْنِ أَنِ اشْكُرْ لِي وَلِوَالِدَيْكَ إِلَيَّ الْمَصِيرُ
    وَإِن جَاهَدَاكَ عَلَىٰ أَن تُشْرِكَ بِي مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِ عِلْمٌ فَلَا تُطِعْهُمَا ۖ وَصَاحِبْهُمَا فِي الدُّنْيَا مَعْرُوفًا ۖ وَاتَّبِعْ سَبِيلَ مَنْ أَنَابَ إِلَيَّ ۚ ثُمَّ إِلَيَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْ فَأُنَبِّئُكُم بِمَا كُنتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ
    And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination.
    But if they endeavor to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them but accompany them in [this] world with appropriate kindness and follow the way of those who turn back to Me [in repentance]. Then to Me will be your return, and I will inform you about what you used to do. [31:14-15]
    It is very important for us to respect our parents, try to please them, and obey them within the limits of Allah. That doesn't mean that they have the right to force their children into marriage though many people do it (Muslims or non-Muslims in many countries). This is not a practice acceptable in Islam. Yes, the parents can definitely suggest a spouse and even encourage that their child married the person. The child should definitely try to consider it because his/her parents want the best for him/her. The parents should take the Deen and character of the person into consideration mainly as well. But at the end of the day, one of the conditions of a nikkah is ijal and kabul; proposal and acceptance. The children HAVE to accept it.
    Parents should not do such oppression by forcing them. I hear of cases like that and it makes me sick to my stomach. How can one be happy in a marriage that was force upon?
    Allahu musta'aan.

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  • .Singaporean
    replied
    Re: Question of Fiqh: Must a girl obey her parents' decision to get her married?

    They can't force u

    Leave a comment:


  • .mirror.
    replied
    Re: Question of Fiqh: Must a girl obey her parents' decision to get her married?

    Originally posted by Luces View Post
    I would, however, consider getting married temporarily just to get parents off my back then getting a divorce and living alone. (Culturaly acceptable for divorcees but not unmarried girls)..
    Please do not ruin someone's life and play with their emotions for your own benefits. It's wrong and immoral.

    As for you being a queer, you should seek help regarding that :insha:

    Leave a comment:


  • Luces
    replied
    Re: Question of Fiqh: Must a girl obey her parents' decision to get her married?

    Originally posted by Bindipper View Post
    See I was reading on the Maiki views on this and it left be confused
    Me too! Imam Malik says the daughter should obey her father and "this is how we do things here".

    Leave a comment:


  • Bindipper
    replied
    Re: Question of Fiqh: Must a girl obey her parents' decision to get her married?

    See I was reading on the Maiki views on this and it left be confused

    Leave a comment:


  • Luces
    replied
    Re: Question of Fiqh: Must a girl obey her parents' decision to get her married?

    Originally posted by .mirror. View Post
    The girl has the choice on who she would like to marry and can not be forced into a marriage.
    Originally posted by bintmydad View Post
    You have your own preference and choice and you cannot be forced into something that you do not accept.
    Originally posted by nonameakhi View Post
    The parents ask and you say no
    Two problems come to mind,

    The relationship between parents and children is one of responsibility and obedience. Say, parents shouldn't make decisions against the interests of their kids (think something trivial, like which shoes to buy them) but even if they do, the children should still obey them because a child is not in a position to judge. Or else it would be chaos. Every group must have a leader and parents lead their children. Likewise, a man should not prevent his wife from visiting her relatives without good reason, but even if he does, she should still obey him. (there are hadiths about this). The leader of a country must be obeyed even if he is cruel. etc.
    Hudhaifa bin al-Yaman narrated a hadith in which he said, “The Prophet (saws) said, ‘there will be after me leaders who do not follow my guidance and do not follow my sunna, and there will be among them men whose hearts are like those of satan in the body of a human being.’ And I asked the Prophet (saws), ‘What I should do at that time if I reach it?’ He said, ‘listen and obey the ruler, even if he lashed your back and took your money, listen and obey.’”
    In another narration, Auf bin Malik t said, “O Prophet of Allah, do you recommend that we fight them?” He said, “No, don’t fight them as long as they do not prevent you from your prayers. And if you see from them something that you dislike, dislike their acts, do not dislike them. And do not take your hand out from obedience to them.”

    It says in Asna al-Mataalib (Shaafa’i) (3/239): The husband has the right to prevent his wife from visiting her parents (when they are sick) and attending their funerals and the funeral of her child, but it is better not to do that.


    The other is that saying 'no' is not a solution. The contract is done by the wali and the bride does not even need to be present. If the parents think the marriage is best for the family, girl is getting old, etc. there isn't much that can be practically done without crossing a lot of Islamic lines such as
    - speaking politely to parents
    - helping them in old age
    - maintaining ties of kinship
    - travelling and/or living with a mahram

    etc


    Originally posted by nonameakhi View Post
    generally speaking though its strange when I read people writing what you wrote in terms of 90% likely to fail. How does one know?

    I mean if its such a high figure then the reason must be quite telling so it would be wrong to not highlight it to parents and if they still insisted then surely it would be haram for a wali to push something that has such a ''known'' capacity for failure.

    TBH the wali should have picked this up and isn't doing his job properly in the first place

    Or the other reason maybe is it because the person not wanting to marry is the one who has a reason? OP not directed at you but I know sisters and brothers who wanted to say no because they already had someone lined up, even were dating etc but not courageous enough to tell their parents. Many married their parents choice then divorced to marry who they had lined up anyway destroying many lives and families in the process
    There is nobody lined up, I am just queer. I don't plan to marry. The figure is 90% because 10% of the general population is not straight. If the person happens to be in the same position, then the marriage could work out, but that's very unlikely.

    I would, however, consider getting married temporarily just to get parents off my back then getting a divorce and living alone. (Culturaly acceptable for divorcees but not unmarried girls).

    Edit: I think, essentially, I'm looking for a justification in doing that, because disobeying parents is unpleasant and not practical.
    Last edited by Luces; 08-06-15, 07:41 PM.

    Leave a comment:


  • nonameakhi
    replied
    Re: Question of Fiqh: Must a girl obey her parents' decision to get her married?

    Originally posted by Luces View Post
    The title is pretty much it.

    We do all sorts of things just for the sake of our parents, from choice of university major to what haircut we get.

    If the general principle is to obey parents unless what they command is haram, then is it correct to follow through with a marriage even knowing that the marriage is 90% likely to be a failure.


    وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ وَهْنًا عَلَىٰ وَهْنٍ وَفِصَالُهُ فِي عَامَيْنِ أَنِ اشْكُرْ لِي وَلِوَالِدَيْكَ إِلَيَّ الْمَصِيرُ
    وَإِن جَاهَدَاكَ عَلَىٰ أَن تُشْرِكَ بِي مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِ عِلْمٌ فَلَا تُطِعْهُمَا ۖ وَصَاحِبْهُمَا فِي الدُّنْيَا مَعْرُوفًا ۖ وَاتَّبِعْ سَبِيلَ مَنْ أَنَابَ إِلَيَّ ۚ ثُمَّ إِلَيَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْ فَأُنَبِّئُكُم بِمَا كُنتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ
    And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination.
    But if they endeavor to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them but accompany them in [this] world with appropriate kindness and follow the way of those who turn back to Me [in repentance]. Then to Me will be your return, and I will inform you about what you used to do. [31:14-15]
    The parents ask and you say no

    generally speaking though its strange when I read people writing what you wrote in terms of 90% likely to fail. How does one know?

    I mean if its such a high figure then the reason must be quite telling so it would be wrong to not highlight it to parents and if they still insisted then surely it would be haram for a wali to push something that has such a ''known'' capacity for failure.

    TBH the wali should have picked this up and isn't doing his job properly in the first place

    Or the other reason maybe is it because the person not wanting to marry is the one who has a reason? OP not directed at you but I know sisters and brothers who wanted to say no because they already had someone lined up, even were dating etc but not courageous enough to tell their parents. Many married their parents choice then divorced to marry who they had lined up anyway destroying many lives and families in the process

    Leave a comment:


  • bintmydad
    replied
    Re: Question of Fiqh: Must a girl obey her parents' decision to get her married?

    You have your own preference and choice and you cannot be forced into something that you do not accept.

    Leave a comment:


  • .mirror.
    replied
    Re: Question of Fiqh: Must a girl obey her parents' decision to get her married?

    :salams

    The girl has the choice on who she would like to marry and can not be forced into a marriage.

    Leave a comment:


  • surprised
    replied
    Re: Question of Fiqh: Must a girl obey her parents' decision to get her married?

    Originally posted by Luces View Post
    The title is pretty much it.

    We do all sorts of things just for the sake of our parents, from choice of university major to what haircut we get.

    If the general principle is to obey parents unless what they command is haram, then is it correct to follow through with a marriage even knowing that the marriage is 90% likely to be a failure.


    وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ وَهْنًا عَلَىٰ وَهْنٍ وَفِصَالُهُ فِي عَامَيْنِ أَنِ اشْكُرْ لِي وَلِوَالِدَيْكَ إِلَيَّ الْمَصِيرُ
    وَإِن جَاهَدَاكَ عَلَىٰ أَن تُشْرِكَ بِي مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِ عِلْمٌ فَلَا تُطِعْهُمَا ۖ وَصَاحِبْهُمَا فِي الدُّنْيَا مَعْرُوفًا ۖ وَاتَّبِعْ سَبِيلَ مَنْ أَنَابَ إِلَيَّ ۚ ثُمَّ إِلَيَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْ فَأُنَبِّئُكُم بِمَا كُنتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ
    And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination.
    But if they endeavor to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them but accompany them in [this] world with appropriate kindness and follow the way of those who turn back to Me [in repentance]. Then to Me will be your return, and I will inform you about what you used to do. [31:14-15]
    This is a cultural practice... not Islamic (in my view). You must have consent... you must give your consent. If your daughter wants to be a virgin, then you can't force her not to be... and that's what marriage would ultimately entail. Just like a muslim marriage.. if a wife doesn't feel like sex then you cannot force her to have sex with you.

    The Quran teaches me to beat my wife... to the door so that i can hold it open for her - enough said.

    Leave a comment:


  • Question of Fiqh: Must a girl obey her parents' decision to get her married?

    The title is pretty much it.

    We do all sorts of things just for the sake of our parents, from choice of university major to what haircut we get.

    If the general principle is to obey parents unless what they command is haram, then is it correct to follow through with a marriage even knowing that the marriage is 90% likely to be a failure.


    وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ وَهْنًا عَلَىٰ وَهْنٍ وَفِصَالُهُ فِي عَامَيْنِ أَنِ اشْكُرْ لِي وَلِوَالِدَيْكَ إِلَيَّ الْمَصِيرُ
    وَإِن جَاهَدَاكَ عَلَىٰ أَن تُشْرِكَ بِي مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِ عِلْمٌ فَلَا تُطِعْهُمَا ۖ وَصَاحِبْهُمَا فِي الدُّنْيَا مَعْرُوفًا ۖ وَاتَّبِعْ سَبِيلَ مَنْ أَنَابَ إِلَيَّ ۚ ثُمَّ إِلَيَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْ فَأُنَبِّئُكُم بِمَا كُنتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ
    And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination.
    But if they endeavor to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them but accompany them in [this] world with appropriate kindness and follow the way of those who turn back to Me [in repentance]. Then to Me will be your return, and I will inform you about what you used to do. [31:14-15]
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