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  • Family pressuring to compromise on Islamic principles when getting married

    :salams

    I've noticed many couples end up compromising on their Islamic principles when getting married due to pressure from family. For example, going extravagant on spending to satisfy family or relaxing on segregation or allowing music or photography and so on.

    So my question is basically this:

    Brothers: What would you do if you meet a girl who you want to marry but her family are quite 'cultural' and are concerned with things like 'what society will think' therefore are pushing you and their daughter to compromise on the 'Islamicness' of the wedding?

    Sisters: I've noticed Asian sisters in particular are not very strong when it comes to standing their ground against their family. Is this a problem you anticipate to face when getting married and how do you expect to deal with it?


    Note: this is not a concern about my family but more of a worry that the girl's family will be quite 'cultural' even though she is fine.
    Last edited by Khalid b. Walid; 08-04-15, 09:23 PM. Reason: additional info

  • #2
    Re: Family pressuring to compromise on Islamic principles when getting married

    :wswrwb:

    I don't like it when they do haraam stuff and then a couple of years later deny all knowledge or sugar coat it like it was all Islamic.

    Anyhow, I don't anticipate any problems with my family when it comes to any actual hypothetical wedding. We have already had one very simple wedding in the immediate family, so they're used to it. I imagine the problem would be from the male's side if marrying within the culture, because some people find it difficult to say no to their mothers.

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    • #3
      Re: Family pressuring to compromise on Islamic principles when getting married

      I'd be pretty firm on making sure we stick to things as Islamically possible but unlike you i have no issue with photography. As long as my potential sides with me, then it would be ok to convince her parents to compromise on the cultural garbage and keep things more Islamic.

      That doesn't mean a wedding is not enjoyable or nice, but you wouldn't even uave these issues if you hothered to comkunicate with the potential and her family properly on what you're looking for and your expectations.
      I write novels for posts. Beware. :mujahida:

      Ummah Forum seems pretty black and white. Was thinking of offering Skittles as Dawah to introduce a rainbow.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Family pressuring to compromise on Islamic principles when getting married

        It's not up to me

        :jkk:
        'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

        So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

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        • #5
          Re: Family pressuring to compromise on Islamic principles when getting married

          Originally posted by Khalid b. Walid View Post
          :salams

          I've noticed many couples end up compromising on their Islamic principles when getting married due to pressure from family. For example, going extravagant on spending to satisfy family or relaxing on segregation or allowing music or photography and so on.

          So my question is basically this:

          Brothers: What would you do if you meet a girl who you want to marry but her family are quite 'cultural' and are concerned with things like 'what society will think' therefore are pushing you and their daughter to compromise on the 'Islamicness' of the wedding?

          Sisters: I've noticed Asian sisters in particular are not very strong when it comes to standing their ground against their family. Is this a problem you anticipate to face when getting married and how do you expect to deal with it?
          wa alaykumus salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu,

          alhamdulillah for being a revert and not from a typical indo-pak family, and for not having in-laws who are like this either so it's a hypothetical in my case, but I'd put my foot down, and if they insisted and couldn't be swayed I'd walk away, marrying this particular hypothetical woman is not a necessity which would justify doing something haram in my life and if I did I would not expect much barakah from the marriage.
          FOLLOW THE NEW BLOG - GINGERBEARDMAN - Muslim, father, husband, writer, defender of ginger rights!

          www.facebook.com/outreach4Islam - Outreach4Islam have been working together in Leicester, calling the not yet Muslims to Islam since 2006.

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          • #6
            Re: Family pressuring to compromise on Islamic principles when getting married

            :wswrwb:

            my family will listen to me - because everyone always does lol.

            Im firm and they know not too compromise with our islam because everyone understands how we feel with culture etc :)

            this is immediate family.


            not the same case with some extended family members, lol.
            The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “It will be said to the companion of the Qur’an: ‘Read, and ascend, and recite as you used to recite in the [previous] world, for your status will be according to the last verse that you recite.’” [At-Tirmidhi (2914) and Abu Dawood (1464)]

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            • #7
              Re: Family pressuring to compromise on Islamic principles when getting married

              My parents will prolly give in to 'log kya kahengay' for my siblings wedding. But I'll stand my ground on my own wedding. This is something i hate a lot.
              There are gems to be discovered in Quran.

              Recite :saw: when you read this sentence.

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              • #8
                Re: Family pressuring to compromise on Islamic principles when getting married

                Originally posted by مسلمة View Post
                :wswrwb:

                I don't like it when they do haraam stuff and then a couple of years later deny all knowledge or sugar coat it like it was all Islamic.

                Anyhow, I don't anticipate any problems with my family when it comes to any actual hypothetical wedding. We have already had one very simple wedding in the immediate family, so they're used to it. I imagine the problem would be from the male's side if marrying within the culture, because some people find it difficult to say no to their mothers.
                Originally posted by iRepIslam View Post
                :wswrwb:

                my family will listen to me - because everyone always does lol.

                Im firm and they know not too compromise with our islam because everyone understands how we feel with culture etc :)

                this is immediate family.


                not the same case with some extended family members, lol.
                Good to know.

                Originally posted by Constant Hope View Post
                I'd be pretty firm on making sure we stick to things as Islamically possible but unlike you i have no issue with photography. As long as my potential sides with me, then it would be ok to convince her parents to compromise on the cultural garbage and keep things more Islamic.

                That doesn't mean a wedding is not enjoyable or nice, but you wouldn't even uave these issues if you hothered to comkunicate with the potential and her family properly on what you're looking for and your expectations.
                If communication works then that's great. But some families are so crazy on these sort of things that they will go to extremes of boycotting the wedding or refusing their daughter. Their "image" in the community is that important to them. Why else are families willing to take massive loans and go into debt over a wedding.

                Originally posted by Outreach4Islam View Post
                wa alaykumus salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu,

                alhamdulillah for being a revert and not from a typical indo-pak family, and for not having in-laws who are like this either so it's a hypothetical in my case, but I'd put my foot down, and if they insisted and couldn't be swayed I'd walk away, marrying this particular hypothetical woman is not a necessity which would justify doing something haram in my life and if I did I would not expect much barakah from the marriage.
                Agree with putting the foot down and saying how it you want it and that is I think what I would do in such a scenario.

                The problem is that if the brothers decide to walk when dealing with such insistent families then this puts the sister stuck with such families at a disadvantage. I mean the girl is decent and ticks all the boxes but its her family which is the issue.

                Originally posted by Hassaan333 View Post
                My parents will prolly give in to 'log kya kahengay' for my siblings wedding. But I'll stand my ground on my own wedding. This is something i hate a lot.
                I guess its easier if you are male as its likely you will have financial independence if you are at a position where you are thinking of marriage.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Family pressuring to compromise on Islamic principles when getting married

                  If a families 'Image' is more important to them than following Islamic guidelines as close as possible and forgoing the cultural garbage that's haram, then say Allahu Alam, wish them and the girl khair and walk away knowing it wasn't a compromise that's acceptable and Allah will replace it with something better.

                  Generally, i'd have thought it would be simple to request No music, Dhol and DJs etc., segregated halls for genders and that about covers almost all the crap that needs throwing away and the rest can be done in a halal manner. Those two things imo are the biggest problem and issue i've had with some weddings i've attended and they're easily fixed, so if people aren't willing to do that on such an event, imagine what they would be like to deal with as in-laws on many other things that can happen in marriages.

                  I think you need to basically be willing to walk is what it comes down to if you hit a wall with trying to get things sorted, as when something is khair, it's easy. Also, i should point out, that also means you should be open minded enough to halal things even if you're perhaps no 100% fond of them being done if they help.to please others to celebrate the marriage.
                  I write novels for posts. Beware. :mujahida:

                  Ummah Forum seems pretty black and white. Was thinking of offering Skittles as Dawah to introduce a rainbow.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Family pressuring to compromise on Islamic principles when getting married

                    Walekum asalaam

                    I can understand how this becomes an issue because very often the guy and girl are happy with doing things a certain way but then family will want something different. Not to mention there's alot of 'one upping' that happens in some cultures where you must do more than the last wedding.

                    I personally used to be somewhat flexible with how i might conduct my wedding (within boundaries) for the sake of including everybody. But my mentality has changed since as i now think along the lines that this will be the foundation step for my marriage. In that sense i want it to be as blessed as possible incurring nothing but the mercy of Allah and avoiding anything that could mean starting off by making Him angry. Alhamdulillah, my parents are very understanding and would be completely happy for me and my future wife to do things our way.

                    Obviously one still needs to be flexible to accommodate their future spouses and her families desires as it will be their day too. But i think (or atleast hope) that they would understand why we didn't want to include certain things rather than reject them for no reason and who can argue against doing things solely to please Allah?

                    I respect my family and their wishes so much but i really think the guy and girl should be the main drivers of any marital decisions with family being their only to offer advice. This day will only come once so might aswell do it the best way possible!
                    God has created Angels with reason but having no desires; animals with desires but no reason and man with both reason and desires. Therefore, if ones reason is stronger than his desires, he is like an Angel,
                    while if his desires are stronger than his reason, he is like an animal.

                    - Ibn Al-Qayyim


                    وَاسْتَعِينُوا بِالصَّبْرِ وَالصَّلَاةِ

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                    • #11
                      Re: Family pressuring to compromise on Islamic principles when getting married

                      :salams

                      You need to use your power to convince. The other side should eventually give it up and see that you aren't playing around. So, don't let them get the upper hand.

                      Just make it a point from the beginning, like your first meeting or second meeting, about how you are planning to have your wedding. This way they will know your expectations and if they disagree then say "Next!"

                      Sometimes the other side's family might listen to you more than their own child and out of respect and consideration they will give in to your demands (even though it may leave ab ad taste, but who cares?).
                      Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

                      "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
                      - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

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                      • #12
                        Re: Family pressuring to compromise on Islamic principles when getting married

                        Wedding is a big party hosted by the person footing most of the bills. If bride/groom are paying all the bill they can have it the way they want. If the parents are footing the bill, the parents like to call the shot & invite bride/groom to the wedding. Typically girls don't have much saying because they contribute least to the wedding. So they are guest invited to the wedding. Its not really her party, its her parents party.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Family pressuring to compromise on Islamic principles when getting married

                          Originally posted by Kya View Post
                          Wedding is a big party hosted by the person footing most of the bills. If bride/groom are paying all the bill they can have it the way they want. If the parents are footing the bill, the parents like to call the shot & invite bride/groom to the wedding. Typically girls don't have much saying because they contribute least to the wedding. So they are guest invited to the wedding. Its not really her party, its her parents party.
                          That sounds very suffocating but that's generally how I feel about desi culture. Although my family can be a bit difficult, they're not as extreme as many desi families.

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                          • #14
                            Re: Family pressuring to compromise on Islamic principles when getting married

                            Originally posted by Kya View Post
                            Wedding is a big party hosted by the person footing most of the bills. If bride/groom are paying all the bill they can have it the way they want. If the parents are footing the bill, the parents like to call the shot & invite bride/groom to the wedding. Typically girls don't have much saying because they contribute least to the wedding. So they are guest invited to the wedding. Its not really her party, its her parents party.
                            True, most Asian weddings tend to be quite expensive and lavish and require the parents to pay a substantial amount of the costs which automatically gives them the balance of power in deciding how it goes.

                            However if you take the Islamic route then (i) weddings do not cost much (ii) the costs for the wedding dinner (walima) are on the husband. So this will take the influence and decision-making capability away from the other parents.

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