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  • Pressure to find a husband

    I am turning 26 in may and my mum is pressuring me to get married. She lives in an other country but every conversation we have include. "When will you get married?"
    Looks like i am hitting the cultural expiration date soon (30)
    Her biggest dream is to see me get married and have kids but i am so lost when it comes to finding a husband because since I put on my hijab (1.5 years ago) my thinking has changed big time. Before I wanted to date and get to know the person first, because how can i marry someone i dont know? Then I saw my sister who got married to a guy who was everything she wanted in a man, while they were dating (3 years) He promised her the world. When they got married he totally changed(1 month). He wouldnt let her leave the house and visit her mother because he was scared that someone would steal her away from him while she was on the train to an other city.

    So I know that dating someone doesnt mean that you will actually know who they are until you marry them. because everyone want to look good in the eye of the other person so they can get the ultimate goal = marriage.

    When ever a guy speaks to me I freak out and i am like, No thank you! I dont want to sin.
    I mean where do i meet a guy? how long is long enough to get to know someone?

    My mehram live in an other country. I live with my older sister and her kids. Is it okay to speak to a guy while she is there?

    I feel so much pressure because my mum decided to give me 1 year to find a husband and i got 8 months left and I havent even started looking because i dont know where to start?

    So my question to you guys is. How did you find your partner or what steps are you guys taking to find your future spouse?
    Do you guys get pressured to find a spouse as well and how do you deal with it?

    Give a sister som advice please.

  • #2
    Re: Pressure to find a husband

    I dont get pressured have not started looking yet. But concerning your sister's relation. KNow that shaytan beautifies haram but as soon as it becomes halal shaytaan makes them hate one and other. So i hope for you that you emphasise on a halal marriage(not knowing the other first. Also people tendto pressent themselves better if you do not have any thing on paper(unmarried)

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    • #3
      Re: Pressure to find a husband

      If only we had a marriage section on this forum...

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Pressure to find a husband

        Originally posted by emirali View Post
        If only we had a marriage section on this forum...
        This

        Allahu Alam
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        • #5
          Re: Pressure to find a husband

          Originally posted by emirali View Post
          If only we had a marriage section on this forum...
          I was pretty sure i posted it on the marriage section. Guess I didnt do it right. Sorry about that

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          • #6
            Re: Pressure to find a husband

            Originally posted by Ar-Rayyaan View Post
            I dont get pressured have not started looking yet. But concerning your sister's relation. KNow that shaytan beautifies haram but as soon as it becomes halal shaytaan makes them hate one and other. So i hope for you that you emphasise on a halal marriage(not knowing the other first. Also people tendto pressent themselves better if you do not have any thing on paper(unmarried)
            You are so lucky that you dont get pressured. Its so hard having to listen to. "Get married soon because you are getting old"

            That is true which is what makes the whole looking for a spouse bit more complicated.

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            • #7
              Re: Pressure to find a husband

              Originally posted by Muslimgirll View Post
              You are so lucky that you dont get pressured. Its so hard having to listen to. "Get married soon because you are getting old"

              That is true which is what makes the whole looking for a spouse bit more complicated.
              If you are struggling, why not get your mother involved now and/or family members. Maybe contact local masjid.

              If possible move on temporary basis to where your mother/family lives and search there.

              (Do not follow your sister's example)

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              • #8
                Re: Pressure to find a husband

                Originally posted by Muslimgirll View Post
                You are so lucky that you dont get pressured. Its so hard having to listen to. "Get married soon because you are getting old"

                That is true which is what makes the whole looking for a spouse bit more complicated.
                true. I can't image how awkward that must make you feel. But you have to make clear to them that you are trying. ALso do you have alot of sisters/friends who can help you out. Good luck.

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                • #9
                  Re: Pressure to find a husband

                  Get in contact with a local masjid, use sites if you have too, and if all else fails marry from back home
                  unconditional love for all of mankind.

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                  • #10
                    Re: Pressure to find a husband

                    Lots of brothers on ummah forum looking for marriage you know... sooo something could be done maybe....

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Pressure to find a husband

                      Originally posted by zi-zizou View Post
                      If you are struggling, why not get your mother involved now and/or family members. Maybe contact local masjid.

                      If possible move on temporary basis to where your mother/family lives and search there.

                      (Do not follow your sister's example)
                      If it was up to my mum i would be married to this Somali guy at my work. My mum met him ones as he picked her up from the airport (I had to work and he was off so he did me a favour) She just fell in love with him.
                      He called her mother, carried her bags and entertained her all the way home. He prayed and she was all like."This guy is so perfect for my daughter" Now, I work with him and I know how he is,
                      1) While he had a gf he kept chasing me and i kept telling him NO!
                      She kept asking him when they will get married but he kept telling her that he is not ready and maybe next year.

                      2)One day he randomly comes over to my desk and tries to hold my hand and stare in to my eyes like its some kinda Bollywood movie. He wrote a note saying. Can I get your mums number because I want to ask her if I can marry you. I was like NO!

                      3) He is the biggest liar EVER. He will tell stories about how he ran into a kangaroo who suddenly waved at him while he was flying. i mean the things he comes up with is so extreme that we all role our eyes when ever he speaks, because its too ridiculous to be true and he ALWAYS has stories to tell. Imagine being married to someone like that.

                      I told him to back off and that i want a practicing brother but he never stopped, he kept telling me every day at work that i broke his heart, he told his mother that there is a girl at work that he loves but she denies him. He randomly yells at work and to everyone that I don't want him-_-!
                      The worse part is that my mum, wants me to marry him because she only seen what he showed her and she thinks i am exaggerating which i am not. When I tell my mum the things he done she laughs and says love make people do stupid things.
                      It got so bad that I had to start ignoring him at work, when he spoke to me i would reply with one word.. He asked me the other day why i became like that and i told him that he is driving me crazy and needs to take a chill pill and show some respect.

                      Everytime I call my mum she ask me about him......
                      It might be because she thinks I don't like Somali men and she sees a Somali guy I work with and he showed her this perfect image.
                      I love my mum more than anything in this world but there is no way i am letting her choose for me lol

                      Ever since I put on hijab I get random men asking to marry me and old men trying to pimp me out to their sons - I guess the way i grew up and the way i should actually do it just got me stuck in the middle. So instead of doing either i am doing neither. But you are right, i shouldn't follow her example..

                      Sorry it became way too long.
                      Last edited by Muslimgirll; 09-04-15, 10:36 PM.

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                      • #12
                        Re: Pressure to find a husband

                        ...
                        Last edited by StrivingforDeen; 09-04-15, 11:08 PM.
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                        • #13
                          Re: Pressure to find a husband

                          Originally posted by StrivingforDeen View Post
                          Edit bolded part out.

                          Plus would you say all of that in front of his face?

                          Allahu Alam
                          I'd hope she'd be able to twll him he's a disgusting creep and shouldn't stalk her and she's after a pious Muslim man.

                          OP, sign up to a matrimonial site that's reviewed as being Islamic such as Pure Matrimony, HalfMyDeen etc. and also maybe explore signing up to a marriage bureau and have the imam act as the 3rd person in the room, and IF you have to.conduct a meeting, any mahrams in the country would do, but i'd recommend you kewp.things in an open public place and try to stay on topic, but that doesn't mean you have to act like an uninterested frump as you should be allowed to show you aren't a plank of wood. Imagine how you would speaking to a person just constantly acting rigid in responses. At the end of the day, ypur i tention isn't to sin. It's to see if your personalities have a rapport and compatibility.
                          I write novels for posts. Beware. :mujahida:

                          Ummah Forum seems pretty black and white. Was thinking of offering Skittles as Dawah to introduce a rainbow.

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                          • #14
                            Re: Pressure to find a husband

                            [email protected] a kangaroo that waived at him while he was flying. I used to know a pathological liar like that, they say the most ridiculous things. Sister Inshallah you'll find the right guy for you when it's time, don't give yourself deadlines because you'll just end up stressing yourself out. Best of luck inshalAllah.

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                            • #15
                              Re: Pressure to find a husband

                              Originally posted by StrivingforDeen View Post
                              Edit bolded part out.

                              Plus would you say all of that in front of his face?

                              Allahu Alam
                              Oh sorry, its gone:)

                              I am too honest i am always told.
                              I told him "I am not interested in you, I do not wish to marry you and please keep your hands to yourself as I do not want you to touch me!" It just makes him yell louder to people that i don't want him. Its embarrassing. He tells random people. " I asked her to marry me but she said no" -_-
                              When i tell him do not touch me, he laughs and touches me.

                              So i started to ignore him which seemed to work alhamdulillah :)

                              I worked with him for like 1 year and it is the last 6 months he turned into some mad man, I have no idea what his problem is and no i did not encourage him as i am so not the lovey dover flirty type.
                              Last edited by Muslimgirll; 09-04-15, 11:45 PM.

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