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My racist parents are forcing me to act rebelliously regarding marriage!

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  • My racist parents are forcing me to act rebelliously regarding marriage!

    :salams

    I feel I have had enough. All my life I wanted to make my parents happy. Everything I did, I did it with a view of being an obedient son. But my parents have disappointed me.

    I feel the need to get marriage as I seek a companion in this lonely life I lead abroad. So, after trying several means to find the right person, I thought I did manage to find one. I have never met her, but my friend and his sister managed to provide me enough information to impress me enough. She's a devoted Muslim, she is learning Arabic and also teaches Islamic Studies in a pretty good English Medium Islamic school in my city, she also dresses in the manner that Islam asks. In fact, I felt she's way more disciplined than I have ever been. My friends sister also informed him that this sister is also decent looking enough to attract me physically as well. Most importantly, my friend's sister informed me that she and her wali liked me a lot.

    But I have not been helped at all by my parents. She lives in my city back home and I needed their assistance to proceed with the process of this marriage. But my parents, especially my dad, rejected even without listening to any information regarding her when he heard that her family is originally from a different city(Noakhali) and that her father is dead. I requested him to at least check out all her information, but he just shrugged it off saying he doesn't like the people of Noakhali. I found it deeply racist and totally against Islamic faith. I never expected my father to be so bigoted. All my life I thought he strictly follows Islam, but now I have come to realize his true image. I can not tolerate such non-Islamic point of view and now I'm thinking of getting married without caring about my parents' permission at all. Whether I marry this particular potential or not, I don't know, but I feel I should not think about making my parents happy regarding my marriage anymore.

    I don't expect my parents to find me a potential of the type I seek. It's clear to me that, things like social status, wealth, region of family origin etc. matters more to my parents than the character and the lifestyle of the sister.

    I seek your advice on this. Should I be careless about my parents' opinion about my marriage now?
    Last edited by SoulMuslim; 22-03-15, 11:18 PM.

  • #2
    Re: My racist parents are forcing me to act rebelliously regarding marriage!

    You do not need your parents permission or their opinion. But, if u wish for them to be happy with you, then you should consider their opinions. Are your parents looking for other potentials?
    " Whether I marry this particular potential or not, I don't know, but I feel I should not think about making my parents happy regarding my marriage anymore. " So, then it's your call.
    Pretty simple.

    Unless, you're Desi.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: My racist parents are forcing me to act rebelliously regarding marriage!

      Originally posted by *Glam* View Post
      You do not need your parents permission or their opinion. But, if u wish for them to be happy with you, then you should consider their opinions. Are your parents looking for other potentials?
      " Whether I marry this particular potential or not, I don't know, but I feel I should not think about making my parents happy regarding my marriage anymore. " So, then it's your call.
      Pretty simple.

      Unless, you're Desi.
      Well, I'm indeed a desi. Didn't you realize that reading it? I'm just worried that my relationship with my parents will be fractured greatly, it would hurt me a lot, on the other hand my parents are doing injustice, which would hurt Allah.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: My racist parents are forcing me to act rebelliously regarding marriage!

        Originally posted by SoulMuslim View Post
        Well, I'm indeed a desi. Didn't you realize that reading it? I'm just worried that my relationship with my parents will be fractured greatly, it would hurt me a lot, on the other hand my parents are doing injustice, which would hurt Allah.
        Oh yes, you're Bengali.
        You've got yourself in quite a mess here. But, this is so common.
        Most likely, you're parents won't be happy if you proceed with this.
        Are your parents really thinking that they are doing injustice, or just preventing their son from marrying a Noakhalian? (Lol, what's a Noakhalian?)

        She sounds nice. Pretty decent. If I were you, i'd try and convince the parents. Are they really stubborn about it?
        I don't think I can give any better advice. Sorry. It's up to you brother.

        If you proceed and marry, parents won't be happy. But if you give up on it, you've missed out because she sounds like a nice Muslimah.

        Or...find a way your parents can be happy even with you married to her? Get them to like her?

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: My racist parents are forcing me to act rebelliously regarding marriage!

          Akhi, you need to try even harder to show your parents why you think you should marry her.

          Speak to them more. Tell them about the kind of person you are looking for and then mention the traits of this muslimah, Let them know how seriously you are considering her for marriage so that they may budge on their viewpoint. I know it's difficult and sometimes parents just assume that their word goes but the more you speak to them about it, the more they will think about it inshaAllah.

          Although possible, it will make things really difficult for you if you decide to go against your parents wishes completely so I strongly advise you to exhaust all avenues with them before thinking about upsetting them.

          You mentioned your parents are religious. Remind them of the criteria that our prophet :saw: mentioned for marriage.

          It's sad but a reality that this racism is so deeply engraved in our culture but I guess it's up to us to educate ourselves and our families on how diverse and flexible our religion is.
          God has created Angels with reason but having no desires; animals with desires but no reason and man with both reason and desires. Therefore, if one’s reason is stronger than his desires, he is like an Angel,
          while if his desires are stronger than his reason, he is like an animal.

          - Ibn Al-Qayyim


          وَاسْتَعِينُوا بِالصَّبْرِ وَالصَّلَاةِ

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          • #6
            Re: My racist parents are forcing me to act rebelliously regarding marriage!

            ^This

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: My racist parents are forcing me to act rebelliously regarding marriage!

              Originally posted by halfmydeen89 View Post
              Akhi, you need to try even harder to show your parents why you think you should marry her.

              Speak to them more. Tell them about the kind of person you are looking for and then mention the traits of this muslimah, Let them know how seriously you are considering her for marriage so that they may budge on their viewpoint. I know it's difficult and sometimes parents just assume that their word goes but the more you speak to them about it, the more they will think about it inshaAllah.

              Although possible, it will make things really difficult for you if you decide to go against your parents wishes completely so I strongly advise you to exhaust all avenues with them before thinking about upsetting them.

              You mentioned your parents are religious. Remind them of the criteria that our prophet :saw: mentioned for marriage.

              It's sad but a reality that this racism is so deeply engraved in our culture but I guess it's up to us to educate ourselves and our families on how diverse and flexible our religion is.
              very true words. would like to add that muslim men do not need the permission of their parents for marriage. if the brother has all the necessities and acomadations for marriage. he can go and get married, especially since he is really seeking a companion, and trying to save himself from zina and the like. we muslim men do not need the permission of our parents in this subject. the brother should kindly tell his parents that.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: My racist parents are forcing me to act rebelliously regarding marriage!

                Originally posted by Muuse1990 View Post
                very true words. would like to add that muslim men do not need the permission of their parents for marriage. if the brother has all the necessities and acomadations for marriage. he can go and get married, especially since he is really seeking a companion, and trying to save himself from zina and the like. we muslim men do not need the permission of our parents in this subject. the brother should kindly tell his parents that.
                BismAllah, all the above is good sound advice, I would like to remind you also that keeping good ties with family is very important. I feel for you my dear brother, its so hard when you feel lonely. I'm sure that if you perhaps talk to your imam and ask him to help you explain using hadith etc inshaAllah it will help. Again I'm really sorry for your situation
                BismAllah. Slave of Allah swt forever Forever a slave of Allah swt

                Comment


                • #9
                  My racist parents are forcing me to act rebelliously regarding marriage!

                  Allah asked us to be kind to parents so brother exhaust all possible means of getting their approval even if it means meeting a sheikh or imam they respect to talk to them, just try as much akhi. but if all these fails then head on with the nikkah. I would not loose a righteous spouse because of my parents non islamic reason. Most especially make dua. May Allah help we

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: My racist parents are forcing me to act rebelliously regarding marriage!

                    Personally I think you should see her yourself before jumping 10 steps ahead and then regretting it. See a pic or something. Ya never know.
                    Parents need patience and respect.
                    I love you, cherish you and worship you,
                    Guide me on your path to your janna,
                    Unite me beside you My King and all mighty,


                    :love:Allah:love:

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: My racist parents are forcing me to act rebelliously regarding marriage!

                      Originally posted by *Glam* View Post
                      You do not need your parents permission or their opinion. But, if u wish for them to be happy with you, then you should consider their opinions. Are your parents looking for other potentials?
                      " Whether I marry this particular potential or not, I don't know, but I feel I should not think about making my parents happy regarding my marriage anymore. " So, then it's your call.
                      Pretty simple.

                      Unless, you're Desi.
                      What's this nonsense about Desi? That's highly offensive. Arabs, Somalis, Whites etc are just as unwilling to let their children marry into other cultures.

                      And no, I don't encourage your way of thinking, while I think it's ridiculous for them to reject just based on a different city (they're the same culture, language etc so they can communicate fine) I still think you should reason with parents and not be rude and offensive. I'ts not in our religion and culture to do that. Maybe for London rudeboys and rudegyals.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: My racist parents are forcing me to act rebelliously regarding marriage!

                        Just wanted to point out that this is not racism, noakhali folk are Bengali too, dunno why but they're looked down upon, we were told that by one of our Bengali teachers

                        It's more snobbiness really

                        Just like how sylhetis view bianibazari people

                        :wswrwb:

                        All the best, keep trying with your parents in a smart way....they might eventually soften

                        They tend to eventually forgive their sons (and daughters too actually but that's more hush hush)...my mums cousin married a chittagong woman without telling anyone and just brought her back with him and his parents shunned him for a while but now everythings good apparently
                        Last edited by cho09082489; 09-04-15, 05:29 PM.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: My racist parents are forcing me to act rebelliously regarding marriage!

                          I have been going through a similar thing, though my father is not a muslim. He's an atheist and looks down on me a little bit for believing in God.

                          All I can say is that it's your marriage and if you can tell right from wrong, it is no longer on their shoulders if you do something wrong or right. So even if this marriage doesn't work out because somehow the other culture is bewitched or something, it's on you to learn from it and not their responsibility. My potential's parents (he's 24) always say "What kind of muslim are you?! How does that look to other people, how MY son acts?", (often she calls him unislamic when he doesn't follow his culture and chooses to listen to Islam instead, ironic!)

                          It's your life, your marriage. They are missing out on an opportunity (my therapist told me this), if they don't want to listen to their own son. If you have tried to be fair, talked to them calmly, etc, then it's their loss, not yours. Sometimes you need to let go of what your parents might be, and deal with what they are instead.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: My racist parents are forcing me to act rebelliously regarding marriage!

                            You need to stop complaining and be a man, how can anyone other then the most merciful try to govern and dictate your life? if you really had everything together and were a man of strong principle and uprightness no matter how degenerate your parents are, they wouldn't dare utter these bigoted views in your presence, I have had first hand experience in this, were a brother of mine was scolded because he was weak and spineless & not a single word against me when I brought much worse in their eyes (foreigner) home.

                            Its all about you! the respect you command is the one you get! Seek advice, but don't let someone run your affairs for you, be a man, even if they oppose, goahead with it, for as-long as you don't break the ties of kinship you have done nothing wrong, if anything you may even get rewarded for it.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: My racist parents are forcing me to act rebelliously regarding marriage!

                              This side of parents sometimes shows up in situations like this. I can only advise you you advise your parents by reminding them about what Islam says about this, while being strict and gentle with them at the same time. But if they still don't feel comfortable, then just let it go. Being married with your parents blessings and dua is better than being married without it even if you may be in the right side of things. Maybe through you being sensitive to your parents feelings, Allah SWT will provide you with someone better whom you and your parents will be satisfied with inshaAllah.
                              الحق لا يعرف بالرجال، اعرف الحق تعرف رجاله

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