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  • #16
    Re: Need some advice

    Originally posted by Sabros View Post
    I think everyone has given good advice so far.
    Just want to reiterate Menks point.

    Based on her actions (lack of contact, the way she talks to you, wanting to delay marriage, etc.) she is not interested in you.
    She might have agreed because of family pressure or the fact that you might be a decent proposal, good family, good career, and logically it makes sense not to reject such a good match.

    But in reality she is either 1. Spoilt, demanding of other people, and used to getting what she wants and so treats everyone around her like she is treating you, or 2. She has no emotional or physical attraction towards you.

    Fact is that you seem more emotionally invested in the relationship and her than she is. This may be clouding your judgement. You should not go into marriage with doubts about her character or her feelings for you.
    You need to have a proper chat with her. Be direct and blunt and don't let her make excuses or be vague. Convey your 2 points of issue: 1. why is she marrying you as she evidently doesn t seem to have feelings towards you 2. about the boy she is searching for.
    You have to be cool and direct about this: she will claim she likes you to try and pacify you, and she will be angry about you checking her facebook. Don't let her go down these routes. You need to get to the bottom of this.

    Unislamic cultural practices have ruined many marriages and lives. If you don't feel she is sincere or actually wants to marry you for who you are - don't be afraid to pull out of the engagement.
    Assalam O Alikum dear brother, Thank you for reply. Yes I think I am going to agree with you lack of contact and wanting to delay marriage is a sign of not interested in me. and I think she might accepted my proposal at that time because she thought she likes me but instead those feelings were for sometime. I am considering your advice on briefly talking to her about this matter but I think this kind of talk cannot properly be done on phone. Insha Allah next time I meet her somehow I am going to discuss this matter with her and I hope something positive comes out of it.

    Comment


    • #17
      Re: Need some advice

      Ws

      My opinion is leave this marriage and find new. My friend just got separated and looking for divorce after two months of marriage, because of 'facebook problems'. Better to withdraw before marriage. After marriage its harder.

      Comment


      • #18
        Re: Need some advice

        Originally posted by IbrahimAnNazzam View Post
        Ws

        My opinion is leave this marriage and find new. My friend just got separated and looking for divorce after two months of marriage, because of 'facebook problems'. Better to withdraw before marriage. After marriage its harder.
        Assalam O Alikum dear brother, Thanks for reply. Before breaking this engagement,I want to talk to her first, if she wants to continue her relationship with me and leave these things I will marry her but if she wants to stick with facebook stuff then I got no choice but to leave her.

        Comment


        • #19
          Re: Need some advice

          Originally posted by aloneandsad View Post
          Assalam O Alikum dear brother, Thanks for reply. Before breaking this engagement,I want to talk to her first, if she wants to continue her relationship with me and leave these things I will marry her but if she wants to stick with facebook stuff then I got no choice but to leave her.
          Inshallah just talk to her first and discuss it out before you do anything at all.
          "O Allah!, Forgive all my sins, great and small, the first and the last,
          those that are apparent and those that are hidden

          Comment


          • #20
            Re: Need some advice

            Some good advice but brother you need to run from this sister already. You deserve better treatment everyone does. If she is already starting to pick on your hair dress how much worse do you think your life will be coming home from work everyday putting up with disrespect.

            Comment


            • #21
              Re: Need some advice

              I don't think you should go ahead with the wedding .

              Inshallah you'll find someone who will love you genuinely .

              Comment


              • #22
                Re: Need some advice

                Originally posted by ~TwinklingStar~ View Post
                :wswrwb:

                1. Brother, first of all realize that even though you might be engaged, Islamically, your fiancee is still ghair to you, so it's not permissible for both of you to have contact in private with each other through any means ... be it phone, whatsapp, skype etc . Shaitan is the third party when 2 unrelated people of the opposite gender meet in private. Before marriage, he will encourage both of you to do haraam i.e draw both of you towards one another & after marriage, he will try to pull you apart because he does don want you to enjoy halaal. Besides, a marriage which is initiated by haraam will be devoid of barakah & Allah's rahamah.

                2. Secondly, there should be no secrets in a relationship and once you're committed, there should be no cheating & no flirting with anybody else, no matter how innocent it is. Clarify with your fiancee about her contact with the other guy & let her know plainly that you will not tolerate her interaction with any non-mehram, online or offline. Likewise, you should also not be friends with any non-mehram girl.

                3. Thirdly, once engagement has been done, it is incorrect to delay the nikah Islamically. If you postpone marriage unnecessarily, it will draw Allah's wrath, so please hasten in fulfilling the Sunnah as soon as possible.
                Originally posted by nabeela_512 View Post
                Salam,
                I agree with your points its very important to keep a proper distance, engaged or not because at this point they are still not your mahram. But for the second point I wonder if it might cause the girl to get angry and resentful if he tells her he was stalking her Facebook without her permission...

                And I personally know a friend who is Pashtan and she is engaged but she only agreed because of her parents pressure, she is not really interested in the guy and they are dragging their engagement time until she's done with college...I think even if its hard for u, to just reaffirm if she is fully on board with this...
                Originally posted by menk View Post
                I don't understand I keep hearing the same stories, girl doesn't like boy and the girl is pressured in getting married to the boy by her parents. Boy knows that girl is not interested in marrying him, but agrees to marry her anyway. If I knew a girl didn't like me and she was pressured in marrying me, I would run the opposite direction.
                Originally posted by Guled View Post
                :salams:

                As twinklingstar already stated she is still non-mahram & you need to limit your contact with her. Brother you need to be frank with her but do it in a wise manner , you could start by mentioning how long it has been since you were first engaged and that it is quite normal for people to become a bit critical so basically ask her again to confirm if she wants to marry you or has changed her mind ? it is a very important question brother and you need to be prepared mentally also.

                Also mention your desire of marrying as soon as possible and that it is your wish to do so, but be 100 % sure that you want this. If she disagrees then ask her to state her reasons because it is important that you come to a mutual agreement that is good for both of you. Just be plain and ask if she has lost interest in you and if it has anything to do with her wanting to delay the nikkah. If she asks why you are asking her these questions then tell her that abit of doubt has entered your heart and you felt that maybe she doesn't want to go through with it & that is why she is delaying it . So inorder for you to erase these doubts in your heart you felt that it was neccessary to ask her.

                If she is positive then you could break the news that you went behind her back to see what she was doing, at this point any person would react negatively to such things so you need to be prepared for some backlash, if she asks why you did it then tell the truth, she might forgive you but it will take time . You should also be prepared for the worst in case she wants to call off the engagement but brother do remember if it was meant to happen then it will occur just have the courage and patience to deal with it.

                But before you do anything make alot tawbah and perform extra good deeds like reading the quran more often, upholding the ties of kinship, be duitfull to you parents, fullfill the rights of the people etc. Perform salatul istikhaarah and say the following dua






                May Allah make it easy for you
                Originally posted by Sabros View Post
                I think everyone has given good advice so far.
                Just want to reiterate Menks point.

                Based on her actions (lack of contact, the way she talks to you, wanting to delay marriage, etc.) she is not interested in you.
                She might have agreed because of family pressure or the fact that you might be a decent proposal, good family, good career, and logically it makes sense not to reject such a good match.

                But in reality she is either 1. Spoilt, demanding of other people, and used to getting what she wants and so treats everyone around her like she is treating you, or 2. She has no emotional or physical attraction towards you.

                Fact is that you seem more emotionally invested in the relationship and her than she is. This may be clouding your judgement. You should not go into marriage with doubts about her character or her feelings for you.
                You need to have a proper chat with her. Be direct and blunt and don't let her make excuses or be vague. Convey your 2 points of issue: 1. why is she marrying you as she evidently doesn t seem to have feelings towards you 2. about the boy she is searching for.
                You have to be cool and direct about this: she will claim she likes you to try and pacify you, and she will be angry about you checking her facebook. Don't let her go down these routes. You need to get to the bottom of this.

                Unislamic cultural practices have ruined many marriages and lives. If you don't feel she is sincere or actually wants to marry you for who you are - don't be afraid to pull out of the engagement.
                Originally posted by IbrahimAnNazzam View Post
                Ws

                My opinion is leave this marriage and find new. My friend just got separated and looking for divorce after two months of marriage, because of 'facebook problems'. Better to withdraw before marriage. After marriage its harder.
                Originally posted by shawn79 View Post
                Some good advice but brother you need to run from this sister already. You deserve better treatment everyone does. If she is already starting to pick on your hair dress how much worse do you think your life will be coming home from work everyday putting up with disrespect.
                Originally posted by TazZ- View Post
                I don't think you should go ahead with the wedding .

                Inshallah you'll find someone who will love you genuinely .
                Assalam O Alikum dear brothers and sisters, Thank you all so much for your help. I talked to my fiancee and discussed the matter of facebook with her. I know she donot know english and not very good in technology things. actually she is new to internet technology. I told her the whole story about how I came to know about her friend list etc. I told her that you liked his picture and did comment on 1 of the picture. she told me that as you know that I donot know facebook etc and it was mistake and all that. then I asked if it was mistake you visited his account 16 to17 times since last week she said that I wanted to show baby's picture to my younger sister. and yes she was upset about me conforting her. In the end she accepted her mistake not mistake like i know that guy and did likes etc she accepted her mistake like I created facebook account and without knowing it very well I liked picture etc. so she at the end before saying good night she blamed me for thinking of her like (she is having affair) I told her that I trust you but every normal man after finding activity like this in their fiancee's account will think the same. and we were talking about it and I asked her if u would have caught me like this what you would have done. she said nothing. then I asked her that if you were me and I were you means me and then you caught me like this what you would have done. so she said that you were the one asked to marry me.
                In the end from her texts I felt like she was so angry. She said I will never ever use facebook again. ~TwinklingStar~ sister I wanted to share that video with her but we were busy in discussion and didn't get a chance. Insha Allah when I get a chance I will share it with her. and I think she now realizes that facebook is one the root cause of all problems we r facing in our relationship.
                I need some advice from you brothers and sisters, what should I do now.

                Comment


                • #23
                  Re: Need some advice

                  Originally posted by aloneandsad View Post
                  Assalam O Alikum dear brothers and sisters, Thank you all so much for your help. I talked to my fiancee and discussed the matter of facebook with her. I know she donot know english and not very good in technology things. actually she is new to internet technology. I told her the whole story about how I came to know about her friend list etc. I told her that you liked his picture and did comment on 1 of the picture. she told me that as you know that I donot know facebook etc and it was mistake and all that. then I asked if it was mistake you visited his account 16 to17 times since last week she said that I wanted to show baby's picture to my younger sister. and yes she was upset about me conforting her. In the end she accepted her mistake not mistake like i know that guy and did likes etc she accepted her mistake like I created facebook account and without knowing it very well I liked picture etc. so she at the end before saying good night she blamed me for thinking of her like (she is having affair) I told her that I trust you but every normal man after finding activity like this in their fiancee's account will think the same. and we were talking about it and I asked her if u would have caught me like this what you would have done. she said nothing. then I asked her that if you were me and I were you means me and then you caught me like this what you would have done. so she said that you were the one asked to marry me.
                  In the end from her texts I felt like she was so angry. She said I will never ever use facebook again. ~TwinklingStar~ sister I wanted to share that video with her but we were busy in discussion and didn't get a chance. Insha Allah when I get a chance I will share it with her. and I think she now realizes that facebook is one the root cause of all problems we r facing in our relationship.
                  I need some advice from you brothers and sisters, what should I do now.
                  :salams:

                  Brother her reaction is normal so what i would suggest it too not hold it against her as both of you are at fault It seems to me that you both need time to cool down and let the situation sink in properly now that both you and her know the truth. afterwards you need to forgive each other and find out whether you want to be married to each other ?

                  Did you ask whether she was still interested in going forward with it or is she still insisting on delaying ? very important to find out brother. Brother i believe that she was just embrassed to be caught redhanded looking at someone else's picture, I would advice to not overeact brother it was a mistake & people do make mistakes all the time.

                  So for the time being just give her time ( 2-4days) to digest the situation before you contact her again. Ask her how she wants to continue on from here onwards, be frank & ask her whether she is interested in marrying you or not ? tell her that you don't want to waste any more time so she needs to give you a concrete answer to your question. If she isn't interested and has changed her mind then there is really no point in continuing with this any further , don't you agree too ?

                  Is it not possible to find someone close to you who would be of great help like friends, imam (?) ? such people are often in a better position to give you better answers than people like us over here at UF. Keep making dua brother
                  "O Allah!, Forgive all my sins, great and small, the first and the last,
                  those that are apparent and those that are hidden

                  Comment

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