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    I am an Afghan and living in Pakistan. I have been engaged to my cousin for past 4 years. My fiancee lives in Afghanistan. She donot have a job. She helps her mother in home chores. We didn't got married yet because of my education her father wanted me to have me becholar's degree before our marriage. We communicate via mobile or whatsapp. All these years i felt like my fiancee doesn't love me at all. Its me who always calls first, she most of time doesn't pick my call or reply my texts. And when she does, all she does is blaming me for something so little that wont be counted for mistakes. like haircut, dress etc. I used to call her but about a month ago she activated internet on her mobile phone for first time. she asked me about things and i guided her then she told me we will talk on Viber or Skype from now and onwards no need to call on phone. I said ok. and when i tried to call her viber at any time first she doesn't pick my call. actually not all. and texts me that i am busy. we do a little chat on whatsapp but as i mentioned most of the time it is blaming me for something. now its been 3 weeks that we havn't talked on phone. I tried to call her mobile but she wasnt picking it.
    Week ago she asked me to create facebook account for her. I guided her how to create it. but she wanted to keep her password, and first name and last name secret. after 2 or 3 days she forgot her password and asked me to recover it for her. which i did. last friday since i m not added with her i thought of adding her in my friend list I opened her account to which i sent a friend request without her knowledge. I know its wrong but opening her account without her knowledge isn't something I am worried about. what saw in her account was that she searched for some guy. one specific guy. not once but multiple times. I wanted to ask her about it but i m afraid of losing her which actually i think i have. Actually I am thinking that when you create new account as a normal human being you will search for someone you know or you love. I think it is wrong but now every day i check her account and in search i find that she searched for that specific guy right before going to bed. according to her knowledge i don't know her facebook account. but thanks to my computer science degree i know about these stuff how to find it etc. I forgot to mention she also added him and did comment on a picture he uploaded. and liked his own pictures he uploaded to his account. I don't think she know him personally I my knowledge she never would have meet this guy.
    I am sorry for being a bad person for stalking on her account. but this is the least of my concern. My father told me that I will be getting married in coming 6 months.When I told this to my fiancee she started fighting with me to delay marriage for a year or 2.
    I donot have any friend actually to whom i can talk to about this Issue but since we all Muslims are brother and sisters. I am asking to please give me advice for this problem I am facing because I am too depressed even i have started to develop Insomnia because of this issue.
    one thing forgot to say is that I love her so much. I asked her to marry me before our engagement and she said yes. and talked to my parents that i want to marry her. they agreed. I love her so much that even if she asks me to leave her or wants to break our engagement, for her happiness I will do it. for which she didn't asked yet.
    Please give me some advice what should I do. Its driving me crazy.

  • #2
    Re: Need some advice

    help

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Need some advice

      :wswrwb:

      1. Brother, first of all realize that even though you might be engaged, Islamically, your fiancee is still ghair to you, so it's not permissible for both of you to have contact in private with each other through any means ... be it phone, whatsapp, skype etc . Shaitan is the third party when 2 unrelated people of the opposite gender meet in private. Before marriage, he will encourage both of you to do haraam i.e draw both of you towards one another & after marriage, he will try to pull you apart because he does don want you to enjoy halaal. Besides, a marriage which is initiated by haraam will be devoid of barakah & Allah's rahamah.

      2. Secondly, there should be no secrets in a relationship and once you're committed, there should be no cheating & no flirting with anybody else, no matter how innocent it is. Clarify with your fiancee about her contact with the other guy & let her know plainly that you will not tolerate her interaction with any non-mehram, online or offline. Likewise, you should also not be friends with any non-mehram girl.

      3. Thirdly, once engagement has been done, it is incorrect to delay the nikah Islamically. If you postpone marriage unnecessarily, it will draw Allah's wrath, so please hasten in fulfilling the Sunnah as soon as possible.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by ~TwinklingStar~ View Post
        :wswrwb:

        2. Secondly, there should be no secrets in a relationship and once you're committed, there should be no cheating & no flirting with anybody else, no matter how innocent it is. Clarify with your fiancee about her contact with the other guy & let her know plainly that you will not tolerate her interaction with any non-mehram, online or offline. Likewise, you should also not be friends with any non-mehram girl.
        Salam,
        I agree with your points its very important to keep a proper distance, engaged or not because at this point they are still not your mahram. But for the second point I wonder if it might cause the girl to get angry and resentful if he tells her he was stalking her Facebook without her permission...

        And I personally know a friend who is Pashtan and she is engaged but she only agreed because of her parents pressure, she is not really interested in the guy and they are dragging their engagement time until she's done with college...I think even if its hard for u, to just reaffirm if she is fully on board with this...

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Need some advice

          Originally posted by nabeela_512 View Post
          Salam,
          I agree with your points its very important to keep a proper distance, engaged or not because at this point they are still not your mahram. But for the second point I wonder if it might cause the girl to get angry and resentful if he tells her he was stalking her Facebook without her permission...

          And I personally know a friend who is Pashtan and she is engaged but she only agreed because of her parents pressure, she is not really interested in the guy and they are dragging their engagement time until she's done with college...I think even if its hard for u, to just reaffirm if she is fully on board with this...
          I don't understand I keep hearing the same stories, girl doesn't like boy and the girl is pressured in getting married to the boy by her parents. Boy knows that girl is not interested in marrying him, but agrees to marry her anyway. If I knew a girl didn't like me and she was pressured in marrying me, I would run the opposite direction.
          I rather be hated by everybody else, but loved by Allah. Than be loved by everybody else and hated by Allah.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Need some advice

            Originally posted by ~TwinklingStar~ View Post
            :wswrwb:

            1. Brother, first of all realize that even though you might be engaged, Islamically, your fiancee is still ghair to you, so it's not permissible for both of you to have contact in private with each other through any means ... be it phone, whatsapp, skype etc . Shaitan is the third party when 2 unrelated people of the opposite gender meet in private. Before marriage, he will encourage both of you to do haraam i.e draw both of you towards one another & after marriage, he will try to pull you apart because he does don want you to enjoy halaal. Besides, a marriage which is initiated by haraam will be devoid of barakah & Allah's rahamah.

            2. Secondly, there should be no secrets in a relationship and once you're committed, there should be no cheating & no flirting with anybody else, no matter how innocent it is. Clarify with your fiancee about her contact with the other guy & let her know plainly that you will not tolerate her interaction with any non-mehram, online or offline. Likewise, you should also not be friends with any non-mehram girl.

            3. Thirdly, once engagement has been done, it is incorrect to delay the nikah Islamically. If you postpone marriage unnecessarily, it will draw Allah's wrath, so please hasten in fulfilling the Sunnah as soon as possible.
            Assalam O Aikum dear sister, Thanks for reply. I completely agree with you. that there should be no contact before Nikkah. But I am thinking if she donot have contact with me she shouldn't have contact with anyone who is non mehram to her. but still she does searches for that guy on facebook and today she searched for him 6 times.
            As i mentioned I want to talk to her about it but i do not want to lose her since I feel she doesn't like me after knowing I was stalking on her she will defiantly starting to hate me. Instead of accepting her fault for being unfaithful in first place.
            Yes I agree that we should get married but this was her father's words that no marriage before graduation.
            Last edited by aloneandsad; 11-03-15, 02:10 PM.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Need some advice

              Originally posted by nabeela_512 View Post
              Salam,
              I agree with your points its very important to keep a proper distance, engaged or not because at this point they are still not your mahram. But for the second point I wonder if it might cause the girl to get angry and resentful if he tells her he was stalking her Facebook without her permission...

              And I personally know a friend who is Pashtan and she is engaged but she only agreed because of her parents pressure, she is not really interested in the guy and they are dragging their engagement time until she's done with college...I think even if its hard for u, to just reaffirm if she is fully on board with this...
              Assalam O Alikum dear sister, Thanks for reply. in my relation I first asked her to marry me. just time and she said yes. Her parents didn't pressure her or something like that her father went to her and asked do u agree to marry him or not. if she refused I don't think her parents would have pressured her.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Need some advice

                Originally posted by menk View Post
                I don't understand I keep hearing the same stories, girl doesn't like boy and the girl is pressured in getting married to the boy by her parents. Boy knows that girl is not interested in marrying him, but agrees to marry her anyway. If I knew a girl didn't like me and she was pressured in marrying me, I would run the opposite direction.
                Assalam O Alikum dear brother,Thanks for reply. I agree with you. but the thing is in our culture you cannot leave someone without getting blame and most of the time boy and their family are to blame. Trust me even if she asks me now and i do not have to worry about my parents respect, I will leave her for her happiness. but in another case if she asks her parents and they are ready to take blame and agree to say truth, if any one asks about braking engagement, I will do it in a second.
                Brother I forgot to mention something, I or no one pressured her into marrying me. I asked to just one time and she agreed. Trust if she would have rejected me the first time I asked her I would back out and our relationship would never have happened.
                Last edited by aloneandsad; 11-03-15, 02:29 PM. Reason: forgot to mention something

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Need some advice

                  OP - I hope you understand Urdu...Please watch this short video - it's only 7 minutes... and send this video to your fiancee also...it's on "Facebook & Muslim Girls" ...thousands of girls have been destroyed as a result of (mis)using Facebook. If you're not going to marry immediately, then it is best to deactivate your facebook account.


                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Need some advice

                    Originally posted by aloneandsad View Post
                    help
                    :salams:

                    As twinklingstar already stated she is still non-mahram & you need to limit your contact with her. Brother you need to be frank with her but do it in a wise manner , you could start by mentioning how long it has been since you were first engaged and that it is quite normal for people to become a bit critical so basically ask her again to confirm if she wants to marry you or has changed her mind ? it is a very important question brother and you need to be prepared mentally also.

                    Also mention your desire of marrying as soon as possible and that it is your wish to do so, but be 100 % sure that you want this. If she disagrees then ask her to state her reasons because it is important that you come to a mutual agreement that is good for both of you. Just be plain and ask if she has lost interest in you and if it has anything to do with her wanting to delay the nikkah. If she asks why you are asking her these questions then tell her that abit of doubt has entered your heart and you felt that maybe she doesn't want to go through with it & that is why she is delaying it . So inorder for you to erase these doubts in your heart you felt that it was neccessary to ask her.

                    If she is positive then you could break the news that you went behind her back to see what she was doing, at this point any person would react negatively to such things so you need to be prepared for some backlash, if she asks why you did it then tell the truth, she might forgive you but it will take time . You should also be prepared for the worst in case she wants to call off the engagement but brother do remember if it was meant to happen then it will occur just have the courage and patience to deal with it.

                    But before you do anything make alot tawbah and perform extra good deeds like reading the quran more often, upholding the ties of kinship, be duitfull to you parents, fullfill the rights of the people etc. Perform salatul istikhaarah and say the following dua

                    O Allaah, I seek Your guidance [in making a choice] by virtue of Your knowledge, and I seek ability by virtue of Your power, and I ask You of Your great bounty. You have power, I have none. And You know, I know not. You are the Knower of hidden things. O Allaah, if in Your knowledge, this matter (then it should be mentioned by name) is good for me both in this world and in the Hereafter (or: in my religion, my livelihood and my affairs), then ordain it for me, make it easy for me, and bless it for me. And if in Your knowledge it is bad for me and for my religion, my livelihood and my affairs (or: for me both in this world and the next), then turn me away from it, [and turn it away from me], and ordain for me the good wherever it may be and make me pleased with it
                    .”



                    May Allah make it easy for you
                    "O Allah!, Forgive all my sins, great and small, the first and the last,
                    those that are apparent and those that are hidden

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Need some advice

                      Originally posted by ~TwinklingStar~ View Post
                      OP - I hope you understand Urdu...Please watch this short video - it's only 7 minutes... and send this video to your fiancee also...it's on "Facebook & Muslim Girls" ...thousands of girls have been destroyed as a result of (mis)using Facebook. If you're not going to marry immediately, then it is best to deactivate your facebook account.

                      Thank You sister for sharing this video I will try to share it with my Fiancee.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Need some advice

                        Originally posted by Guled View Post
                        :salams:

                        As twinklingstar already stated she is still non-mahram & you need to limit your contact with her. Brother you need to be frank with her but do it in a wise manner , you could start by mentioning how long it has been since you were first engaged and that it is quite normal for people to become a bit critical so basically ask her again to confirm if she wants to marry you or has changed her mind ? it is a very important question brother and you need to be prepared mentally also.

                        Also mention your desire of marrying as soon as possible and that it is your wish to do so, but be 100 % sure that you want this. If she disagrees then ask her to state her reasons because it is important that you come to a mutual agreement that is good for both of you. Just be plain and ask if she has lost interest in you and if it has anything to do with her wanting to delay the nikkah. If she asks why you are asking her these questions then tell her that abit of doubt has entered your heart and you felt that maybe she doesn't want to go through with it & that is why she is delaying it . So inorder for you to erase these doubts in your heart you felt that it was neccessary to ask her.

                        If she is positive then you could break the news that you went behind her back to see what she was doing, at this point any person would react negatively to such things so you need to be prepared for some backlash, if she asks why you did it then tell the truth, she might forgive you but it will take time . You should also be prepared for the worst in case she wants to call off the engagement but brother do remember if it was meant to happen then it will occur just have the courage and patience to deal with it.

                        But before you do anything make alot tawbah and perform extra good deeds like reading the quran more often, upholding the ties of kinship, be duitfull to you parents, fullfill the rights of the people etc. Perform salatul istikhaarah and say the following dua






                        May Allah make it easy for you
                        Assalam O Alikum dear brother, thank you so much for your advice. I will find a way to ask her somehow because as you mentioned it is true that doubts are entering in my mind. and even if we got married somehow there will be always some points for doubt. As ~TwinklingStar~ sister shared video I will try to share it with her somehow and as you said to ask questions will do Insha Allah.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Need some advice

                          Originally posted by aloneandsad View Post
                          Assalam O Alikum dear brother, thank you so much for your advice. I will find a way to ask her somehow because as you mentioned it is true that doubts are entering in my mind. and even if we got married somehow there will be always some points for doubt. As ~TwinklingStar~ sister shared video I will try to share it with her somehow and as you said to ask questions will do Insha Allah.
                          You are welcome brother matters of the heart are quite delicate and i just hope that that i've managed to help out. You could also ask advice from relatives etc esp the women in this case since their help might turn out to be more productive, so tell your mother, sister , aunt how you feel and what you are planning to do.
                          "O Allah!, Forgive all my sins, great and small, the first and the last,
                          those that are apparent and those that are hidden

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Need some advice

                            I think everyone has given good advice so far.
                            Just want to reiterate Menks point.

                            Based on her actions (lack of contact, the way she talks to you, wanting to delay marriage, etc.) she is not interested in you.
                            She might have agreed because of family pressure or the fact that you might be a decent proposal, good family, good career, and logically it makes sense not to reject such a good match.

                            But in reality she is either 1. Spoilt, demanding of other people, and used to getting what she wants and so treats everyone around her like she is treating you, or 2. She has no emotional or physical attraction towards you.

                            Fact is that you seem more emotionally invested in the relationship and her than she is. This may be clouding your judgement. You should not go into marriage with doubts about her character or her feelings for you.
                            You need to have a proper chat with her. Be direct and blunt and don't let her make excuses or be vague. Convey your 2 points of issue: 1. why is she marrying you as she evidently doesn t seem to have feelings towards you 2. about the boy she is searching for.
                            You have to be cool and direct about this: she will claim she likes you to try and pacify you, and she will be angry about you checking her facebook. Don't let her go down these routes. You need to get to the bottom of this.

                            Unislamic cultural practices have ruined many marriages and lives. If you don't feel she is sincere or actually wants to marry you for who you are - don't be afraid to pull out of the engagement.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Need some advice

                              Originally posted by Guled View Post
                              You are welcome brother matters of the heart are quite delicate and i just hope that that i've managed to help out. You could also ask advice from relatives etc esp the women in this case since their help might turn out to be more productive, so tell your mother, sister , aunt how you feel and what you are planning to do.
                              Thank you brother for your reply. Actually I am afraid to tell my mother because she will tell my father and my sister are younger than me i doubt they understand this thing, Actually I don't have anybody to talk to so I shared my situation here. and trust each one of you have been very helpful for which I am so much thankful to all of you

                              Comment

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