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Secrets from Potential Spouse

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  • LondonGal
    replied
    Re: Secrets from Potential Spouse

    Btw on a more serious note, to those who are married or currently meeting potentials,

    How many potentials actually came forward and admitted that they've had haram relationships, disrespected parents, had been lax with their salah, commited theft, watched porn, had tried drugs/alcohol, masturbated, visited nightclubs, missed fasts etc etc

    And then went on and asked you if you did the same?

    Leave a comment:


  • LondonGal
    replied
    Re: Secrets from Potential Spouse

    Originally posted by pointless View Post
    Sometimes we are too busy looking for acceptance that people start to reveal their whole life story.
    Yep. It stems from our over sharing Facebook/social media culture.
    It's wrong and not from islam.

    Leave a comment:


  • umm salabil
    replied
    Re: Secrets from Potential Spouse

    Hmmm supposing you have no secrets, would potential believe you or think you must be hiding something.

    Also, do you think such things should be discussed with potential alone or with his/her family members too. Suppoosing your potential has no problem with your past but his/her father does, in that case do you think it would unnecessarily complicate things? Or that parents should be included in such discussions because they are wiser and their viewpoint will be better?

    Leave a comment:


  • LondonGal
    replied
    Re: Secrets from Potential Spouse

    Originally posted by firestar101 View Post
    If thats the case then the person does not even have to mention he has a child out of wedlock or anything as it is a sin or anything. That was just your personal opinion.

    Thats fine with me but I dont like it when people pick and choose.
    So, do you have any practical tips on how exactly a mother or father can hide their child?

    Leave a comment:


  • halfmydeen89
    replied
    Re: Secrets from Potential Spouse

    Originally posted by starrynight11 View Post
    :salams:

    When meeting a potential, is it really worth hiding all of your secrets or acting a certain way to make them stay interested? If you're meant to be with them, does it really matter whether or not you hide those secrets? If you choose to hide some secrets, will it be considered a form of deception? What secrets should be hidden, and what shouldn't?

    :jkk:
    Be smart about it. In the first meeting, let your personality shape the discussion and let your current views and goals be known. Then in following meetings bring up important past secrets and remind them that your a changed person now.

    It's simple psychology folks. Show the car off first and then tell them the mileage. At the end of the day, the choice is still in their hands on whether to continue or not and you would have been completely honest in the process. Or share your worst first and bite the dust.

    EDIT: Before sharing the most intricate secrets, ask whether they even want to know or discuss certain topics. Some folk may even stop you before you say because they're not concerned about your past relationships, drug history etc. Or they could be hiding their own experiences. If you both agree to not talk about things then khair I guess.
    Last edited by halfmydeen89; 04-03-15, 01:57 AM.

    Leave a comment:


  • pointless
    replied
    Re: Secrets from Potential Spouse

    Originally posted by LondonGal View Post
    Actually, my personal opinion, is that every male or female, should know if their future partner committed theft, adultery, fornication, missed salah, disrespected parents, gambled, was in debt, took interest, didn't lower their gaze, looked at porn etc.

    But, my personal opinion contradicts the following hadith. And what I've learnt about this issue. So, my own opinion doesn't matter one bit.

    Revealing ones sins is a sin in itself based on the hadith.

    The prophet Muhammad (saw) said, All of my Ummah will be pardoned except for the the Mujahirin (those who commit a sin openly or disclose their sins to the people). An example of such disclosure is that a person commits a sin at night and though Allah screens it from the public, then he comes in the morning, and says, ‘O so-and-so, I did such-and-such (evil) deed yesterday’.

    Hadith bukhari.

    And Imam Muslim listed a further explanation of this hadith.

    * In it is a clear prohibition of exposing one’s sins.

    * The Muslim has hayaa’ (shame/shyness) that prevents him from exposing his sins.

    * Hayaa’ (shyness/shame) is good, the whole of it, and it does not lead excpet to goodness, and it is a branch of eemaan.

    * In the absence of hayaa’, the Muslim will expose his own sins, and the Messenger (sallallaahu ‘alayhe wa sallam) conveyed to us something of the previous prophets’ messages, that “If you have no shame, then do as you wish!”

    * Exposing one’s sins is taking the fact that Allaah has screened them for granted and a lack of thankfulness.

    * Concealing one’s sins can not be considered hypocrisy, since we have been prohibited from exposing them, so rather it is an act of obedience.

    Sometimes we are too busy looking for acceptance that people start to reveal their whole life story.

    Leave a comment:


  • .Hajar.
    replied
    Re: Secrets from Potential Spouse

    :wswrwb:

    depends if your secrets can affect/influence your future together

    why don't you simply ask them if there's anything in their past that could possibly affect/influence your future together, and if there isn't any such thing then bismillah

    Originally posted by starrynight11 View Post
    :salams:

    When meeting a potential, is it really worth hiding all of your secrets or acting a certain way to make them stay interested? If you're meant to be with them, does it really matter whether or not you hide those secrets? If you choose to hide some secrets, will it be considered a form of deception? What secrets should be hidden, and what shouldn't?

    :jkk:

    Leave a comment:


  • firestar101
    replied
    Re: Secrets from Potential Spouse

    If thats the case then the person does not even have to mention he has a child out of wedlock or anything as it is a sin or anything. That was just your personal opinion.

    Thats fine with me but I dont like it when people pick and choose.

    Leave a comment:


  • LondonGal
    replied
    Re: Secrets from Potential Spouse

    Originally posted by Bindipper View Post

    that's her opinion, it doesn't apply to anyone else.
    Actually, my personal opinion, is that every male or female, should know if their future partner committed theft, adultery, fornication, missed salah, disrespected parents, gambled, was in debt, took interest, didn't lower their gaze, looked at porn etc.

    But, my personal opinion contradicts the following hadith. And what I've learnt about this issue. So, my own opinion doesn't matter one bit.

    Revealing ones sins is a sin in itself based on the hadith.

    The prophet Muhammad (saw) said, All of my Ummah will be pardoned except for the the Mujahirin (those who commit a sin openly or disclose their sins to the people). An example of such disclosure is that a person commits a sin at night and though Allah screens it from the public, then he comes in the morning, and says, ‘O so-and-so, I did such-and-such (evil) deed yesterday’.

    Hadith bukhari.

    And Imam Muslim listed a further explanation of this hadith.

    * In it is a clear prohibition of exposing one’s sins.

    * The Muslim has hayaa’ (shame/shyness) that prevents him from exposing his sins.

    * Hayaa’ (shyness/shame) is good, the whole of it, and it does not lead excpet to goodness, and it is a branch of eemaan.

    * In the absence of hayaa’, the Muslim will expose his own sins, and the Messenger (sallallaahu ‘alayhe wa sallam) conveyed to us something of the previous prophets’ messages, that “If you have no shame, then do as you wish!”

    * Exposing one’s sins is taking the fact that Allaah has screened them for granted and a lack of thankfulness.

    * Concealing one’s sins can not be considered hypocrisy, since we have been prohibited from exposing them, so rather it is an act of obedience.
    Last edited by LondonGal; 03-03-15, 08:49 PM.

    Leave a comment:


  • Bindipper
    replied
    Re: Secrets from Potential Spouse

    Originally posted by firestar101 View Post
    Well it's the same thing with zina as it will affect the relationship but people don't seem to get it and say hide it. The person that commited zina will be comparing their spouse to others. It's only natural they will and this is injustice to their spouse

    Yet people can hide that. So I don't see why you can pick and choose
    I think she means everything that happened outside of the relationship and isn't directly effecting/brought into the relationship

    that's her opinion, it doesn't apply to anyone else.

    Leave a comment:


  • firestar101
    replied
    Re: Secrets from Potential Spouse

    Originally posted by LondonGal View Post
    What you said doesn't make sense to me.

    I fail to understand how/where one could hide a child. As the rights of this child wouldnt magically disappear after marriage.

    It's a lot different to clearing Internet history.

    As I've mentioned numerously before. Islamicallly, one should hide their sins if Allah in His Mercy has covered them.

    Mentioning that one has Aids or a child as a result of their fornication is different as it's not the past. It's the present. It still exists.
    Well it's the same thing with zina as it will affect the relationship but people don't seem to get it and say hide it. The person that commited zina will be comparing their spouse to others. It's only natural they will and this is injustice to their spouse

    Yet people can hide that. So I don't see why you can pick and choose

    Leave a comment:


  • LondonGal
    replied
    Re: Secrets from Potential Spouse

    Originally posted by shay5 View Post
    >>........ it is not about whether the person views it as a sin but something that will affect the marriage...if you have a child out of wedlock and do not disclose...then the wife finds out after...because inevitability this will be revealed, this cause issues as does concealing the fact you have massive debt..when the wife wants to start making purchases and you inform after this can also cause huge problems..
    Pretty straightforward to me too.

    Leave a comment:


  • LondonGal
    replied
    Re: Secrets from Potential Spouse

    Originally posted by firestar101 View Post
    What you said makes no sense.your last point could also be considered a sin to that person and you say they have to tell that person they intend to marry. But you must conceal sins. And if the person thinks having a child out of wedlock is a sin then they do not need to state it

    Same with rape and other things. Because that's also a sin. So the person does not have to reveal that either.

    So some things must be said and others not according to you. But that is dependant on if the person sees it as a sin.
    What you said doesn't make sense to me.

    I fail to understand how/where one could hide a child. As the rights of this child wouldnt magically disappear after marriage.

    It's a lot different to clearing Internet history.

    As I've mentioned numerously before. Islamicallly, one should hide their sins if Allah in His Mercy has covered them.

    Mentioning that one has Aids or a child as a result of their fornication is different as it's not the past. It's the present. It still exists. It wil directly affect the marriage on a daily basis.
    Last edited by LondonGal; 03-03-15, 08:14 PM.

    Leave a comment:


  • Faith1
    replied
    Re: Secrets from Potential Spouse

    What a potential wants to disclose should be up to them IMO unless it's a case where what they've done was against others.

    Leave a comment:


  • Bindipper
    replied
    Re: Secrets from Potential Spouse

    Originally posted by umm salabil View Post
    Yeah it's better not to keep secrets. Doesn't mean you disclose it in the first meeting but should do it sooner if you plan to disclose. Like before things become serious otherwise there may be complications.

    What is people's experience with the incident of spouse finding out after marriage some secret. How does this affect the marriage. Also what in your opinion should be disclosed and what shouldn't.
    whatever you care about, you should know about.

    there is no list of what should be disclosed and what shouldn't.

    Leave a comment:

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