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Meeting the girl's parents or brothers before the girl herself

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  • Winter
    replied
    Re: Meeting the girl's parents or brothers before the girl herself

    I think it should be a 50/50 parents as well as the girl should look at the guy and then see if they want to proceed from there rather then just the parents after all its the girl that's going to be living with the guy, which parents do wish for the best, but at the end of the day its the girl decision and if she feels content with the proposal then that's what should matter. Inputs should be all welcomed.

    Leave a comment:


  • toska
    replied
    I think its quite uncommon even among "pious" families. In some cultures a sister is suppose to find someone on her own and then set up meeting with father.

    And so many fathers just ignore their responsibility to find someone for their daughters.

    My arabic class is full of single sisters who go there for more than just arabic. It's not just modernized muslims. There are also sisters with jilbabs and who have a strong deen. The family is just neglecting their responsibilties.

    Maybe brothers should try to approach sisters wali instead of sister directly.

    In my last case I was given a phone nr, i was expecting it to be wali, but it was a sister.

    Leave a comment:


  • Kya
    replied
    Re: Meeting the girl's parents or brothers before the girl herself

    My parents shared every detail of every proposal that came my way, even potential proposal that might come but didn't come yet, my mom would share it with me. To be honest, it stressed me out a lot. I started analyzing the guy before I had full picture & I felt depressed when a proposal that was suppose to come my way turned back around because they didn't like certain information from my biodata (family, height..etc). It was a big rollercoaster.

    I am grateful that my parents kept me in the loop & didn't shut good proposal out but it crossed over to the TOO MUCH INFORMATION IS NOT GOOD. I really wish they kept those non serious proposal away from me (the once that were assumptions & ended at biodata exchange phase only). I wish they screened and only passed the once they felt were serious for me to consider, that would cut my list short. On the other hand, my friend parents were exact opposite of mine. They would reject proposal without even mentioning it to her. She did feel like she was in the dark & had similar but opposite hopeless/depression feeling.

    There is no winning.

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  • .mirror.
    replied
    Re: Meeting the girl's parents or brothers before the girl herself

    If the parents and daughter are on the same page, then this would work :insha:

    Leave a comment:


  • Khalid b. Walid
    replied
    Re: Meeting the girl's parents or brothers before the girl herself

    Originally posted by umm salabil View Post
    I think this setup is better because the girl doesn't need to worry about what her family will think of him. I think it's better for the girl to meet the guy without male relatives present, just in the presence of female relatives so it's better if the guy has already met with her wali.

    How is it usually done elsewhere? Everyone meets in one meeting or on separate occasions?
    Both really as it depends on how different families want to do things.

    Sometimes the families have never met and the man will meet both the parents and the girl at the initial meeting.

    Other times it might mean meeting the parents first then meeting the girl on a later date. This takes longer as you have the extra step in the process but it allows the parents to reject someone if they feel he is unsuitable for their daughter.

    Leave a comment:


  • Khalid b. Walid
    replied
    Re: Meeting the girl's parents or brothers before the girl herself

    Originally posted by firestar101 View Post
    I think thats stupid to be honest

    Basically the brothers and parents are judging the person on what they want and not what the daughter wants. Thats how we get people in unhappy marriages as parents think they know best but that not always the case
    It's likely the daughter will have discussed the proposal with the parents before the parents meet him. So they will have an idea what she wants and if this man qualifies. If she wants someone who is religious minded then obviously the parents will check that at the meeting.

    Also the parents will be looking for things as well like what does this man do for a living and how will he provide for their daughter.

    Leave a comment:


  • umm salabil
    replied
    Re: Meeting the girl's parents or brothers before the girl herself

    Originally posted by firestar101 View Post
    Yeah, but most parents are using the latter.
    Not all. Maybe where you are.

    Leave a comment:


  • firestar101
    replied
    Re: Meeting the girl's parents or brothers before the girl herself

    Originally posted by umm salabil View Post
    It really depends on what their criteria is for acceptance. If they base it on religion while giving the girl the choice in all other matters, there shouldn't be any unhappy matches. On the otherhand , if they base their decision on other factors and don't give the girl a choice , then there may be unhappy results.
    Yeah, but most parents are using the latter.

    Leave a comment:


  • umm salabil
    replied
    Re: Meeting the girl's parents or brothers before the girl herself

    Originally posted by firestar101 View Post
    I think thats stupid to be honest

    Basically the brothers and parents are judging the person on what they want and not what the daughter wants. Thats how we get people in unhappy marriages as parents think they know best but that not always the case
    It really depends on what their criteria is for acceptance. If they base it on religion while giving the girl the choice in all other matters, there shouldn't be any unhappy matches. On the otherhand , if they base their decision on other factors and don't give the girl a choice , then there may be unhappy results.

    Leave a comment:


  • umm salabil
    replied
    Re: Meeting the girl's parents or brothers before the girl herself

    I think this setup is better because the girl doesn't need to worry about what her family will think of him. I think it's better for the girl to meet the guy without male relatives present, just in the presence of female relatives so it's better if the guy has already met with her wali.

    How is it usually done elsewhere? Everyone meets in one meeting or on separate occasions?

    Leave a comment:


  • MuslimWarrior
    replied
    Re: Meeting the girl's parents or brothers before the girl herself

    Originally posted by firestar101 View Post
    I think thats stupid to be honest

    Basically the brothers and parents are judging the person on what they want and not what the daughter wants. Thats how we get people in unhappy marriages as parents think they know best but that not always the case
    I think it's a great way of you're doing it fully islamically. Parents assess if the brothers on the Deen and stable. Then they let their precious daughter meet with him. Which idiot will throw his sister / daughter at the guy and say here eye her up and tell us what you think.

    Come on. Nothing wrong with them analysing.

    Leave a comment:


  • F_R
    replied
    Re: Meeting the girl's parents or brothers before the girl herself

    Originally posted by firestar101 View Post
    I think thats stupid to be honest

    Basically the brothers and parents are judging the person on what they want and not what the daughter wants. Thats how we get people in unhappy marriages as parents think they know best but that not always the case
    The girl should be aware of him but this is a great way because it safeguards her.

    :wswrwb:

    Leave a comment:


  • firestar101
    replied
    Re: Meeting the girl's parents or brothers before the girl herself

    I think thats stupid to be honest

    Basically the brothers and parents are judging the person on what they want and not what the daughter wants. Thats how we get people in unhappy marriages as parents think they know best but that not always the case

    Leave a comment:


  • .mirror.
    replied
    Re: Meeting the girl's parents or brothers before the girl herself

    :wswrwb:

    That reminds me on Muslimah London and how her mom turned down decent proposals and then told her afterwards.

    I think the girl should have some idea of what the guy is like and not be totally clueless because sometimes the parents might think he's not right for you, while in reality he could be a good potential husband. Based on their own criteria, they might turn him down, which is wrong.

    Leave a comment:


  • iRepIslam
    replied
    Re: Meeting the girl's parents or brothers before the girl herself

    :wswrwb:

    yep its normal in my family..

    if they like the man, then they will allow him to meet the girl.

    normally after 2 meetings i think.

    Leave a comment:

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