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Meeting the girl's parents or brothers before the girl herself

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  • Meeting the girl's parents or brothers before the girl herself

    :salams

    I've noticed that when meeting a potential, there is a preliminary meeting set-up where you would meet with the girl's parents or brothers or some other mahram, before you actually meet the girl herself.

    If they are happy then you would be allowed to meet the girl and a meeting would be set-up with her at a future date.

    Just want to ask how common this is and if anyone has experienced this?

    Also what are people's opinion on this kind of set-up?


    Personally my opinion is that it is quite a good process as it allows the family to assess whether the man is suitable before meeting their daughter and acts as a safeguard. And if I had a daughter I would likely do the same thing.

  • #2
    Re: Meeting the girl's parents or brothers before the girl herself

    its very common, and seems like a good idea, after all if the parents don't like you then they wouldn't want the marriage to go ahead. normally the girl is in the next room though...

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    • #3
      Re: Meeting the girl's parents or brothers before the girl herself

      I agree

      That sounds about right
      Believe
      there is
      good in the world

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      • #4
        Re: Meeting the girl's parents or brothers before the girl herself

        :wswrwb:

        yep its normal in my family..

        if they like the man, then they will allow him to meet the girl.

        normally after 2 meetings i think.
        The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “It will be said to the companion of the Qur’an: ‘Read, and ascend, and recite as you used to recite in the [previous] world, for your status will be according to the last verse that you recite.’” [At-Tirmidhi (2914) and Abu Dawood (1464)]

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        • #5
          Re: Meeting the girl's parents or brothers before the girl herself

          :wswrwb:

          That reminds me on Muslimah London and how her mom turned down decent proposals and then told her afterwards.

          I think the girl should have some idea of what the guy is like and not be totally clueless because sometimes the parents might think he's not right for you, while in reality he could be a good potential husband. Based on their own criteria, they might turn him down, which is wrong.
          Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

          "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
          - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

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          • #6
            Re: Meeting the girl's parents or brothers before the girl herself

            I think thats stupid to be honest

            Basically the brothers and parents are judging the person on what they want and not what the daughter wants. Thats how we get people in unhappy marriages as parents think they know best but that not always the case
            Ya Muqallib Al-Quloob Thabbit Qalbi Alaa Deenik
            ( O changer of hearts, keep my heart steadfast on your deen)

            www.treasureofthescholars.wordpress.com

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            • #7
              Re: Meeting the girl's parents or brothers before the girl herself

              Originally posted by firestar101 View Post
              I think thats stupid to be honest

              Basically the brothers and parents are judging the person on what they want and not what the daughter wants. Thats how we get people in unhappy marriages as parents think they know best but that not always the case
              The girl should be aware of him but this is a great way because it safeguards her.

              :wswrwb:

              لا تفكر كثيرا
              بل استغفر كثيرا

              -------------------------------------------------------
              The children need your prayers more than anyone else
              -------------------------------------------------------
              www.inheritorsofquran.wordpress.com

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              • #8
                Re: Meeting the girl's parents or brothers before the girl herself

                Originally posted by firestar101 View Post
                I think thats stupid to be honest

                Basically the brothers and parents are judging the person on what they want and not what the daughter wants. Thats how we get people in unhappy marriages as parents think they know best but that not always the case
                I think it's a great way of you're doing it fully islamically. Parents assess if the brothers on the Deen and stable. Then they let their precious daughter meet with him. Which idiot will throw his sister / daughter at the guy and say here eye her up and tell us what you think.

                Come on. Nothing wrong with them analysing.
                [B][CENTER]Please keep me in your Dua'a. in'shaa'Allah ![/CENTER][/B]

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                • #9
                  Re: Meeting the girl's parents or brothers before the girl herself

                  I think this setup is better because the girl doesn't need to worry about what her family will think of him. I think it's better for the girl to meet the guy without male relatives present, just in the presence of female relatives so it's better if the guy has already met with her wali.

                  How is it usually done elsewhere? Everyone meets in one meeting or on separate occasions?

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                  • #10
                    Re: Meeting the girl's parents or brothers before the girl herself

                    Originally posted by firestar101 View Post
                    I think thats stupid to be honest

                    Basically the brothers and parents are judging the person on what they want and not what the daughter wants. Thats how we get people in unhappy marriages as parents think they know best but that not always the case
                    It really depends on what their criteria is for acceptance. If they base it on religion while giving the girl the choice in all other matters, there shouldn't be any unhappy matches. On the otherhand , if they base their decision on other factors and don't give the girl a choice , then there may be unhappy results.

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                    • #11
                      Re: Meeting the girl's parents or brothers before the girl herself

                      Originally posted by umm salabil View Post
                      It really depends on what their criteria is for acceptance. If they base it on religion while giving the girl the choice in all other matters, there shouldn't be any unhappy matches. On the otherhand , if they base their decision on other factors and don't give the girl a choice , then there may be unhappy results.
                      Yeah, but most parents are using the latter.
                      Ya Muqallib Al-Quloob Thabbit Qalbi Alaa Deenik
                      ( O changer of hearts, keep my heart steadfast on your deen)

                      www.treasureofthescholars.wordpress.com

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                      • #12
                        Re: Meeting the girl's parents or brothers before the girl herself

                        Originally posted by firestar101 View Post
                        Yeah, but most parents are using the latter.
                        Not all. Maybe where you are.

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                        • #13
                          Re: Meeting the girl's parents or brothers before the girl herself

                          Originally posted by firestar101 View Post
                          I think thats stupid to be honest

                          Basically the brothers and parents are judging the person on what they want and not what the daughter wants. Thats how we get people in unhappy marriages as parents think they know best but that not always the case
                          It's likely the daughter will have discussed the proposal with the parents before the parents meet him. So they will have an idea what she wants and if this man qualifies. If she wants someone who is religious minded then obviously the parents will check that at the meeting.

                          Also the parents will be looking for things as well like what does this man do for a living and how will he provide for their daughter.

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                          • #14
                            Re: Meeting the girl's parents or brothers before the girl herself

                            Originally posted by umm salabil View Post
                            I think this setup is better because the girl doesn't need to worry about what her family will think of him. I think it's better for the girl to meet the guy without male relatives present, just in the presence of female relatives so it's better if the guy has already met with her wali.

                            How is it usually done elsewhere? Everyone meets in one meeting or on separate occasions?
                            Both really as it depends on how different families want to do things.

                            Sometimes the families have never met and the man will meet both the parents and the girl at the initial meeting.

                            Other times it might mean meeting the parents first then meeting the girl on a later date. This takes longer as you have the extra step in the process but it allows the parents to reject someone if they feel he is unsuitable for their daughter.

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                            • #15
                              Re: Meeting the girl's parents or brothers before the girl herself

                              If the parents and daughter are on the same page, then this would work :insha:
                              Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

                              "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
                              - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

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