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Tough it out or find a way to move on?

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  • Tough it out or find a way to move on?

    Assalamu Alaikum to All.

    Never had I imagined that I would look to write in the forums regarding this matter but I am in need of advice as I am looking to separate.

    I recently married roughly 6 months ago, second try as the first one ended about 6 years ago.

    The bottom line is, I am unhappy.

    Alhamdulillah I think the sister herself is good but we have our differences and the situations we are put are not in our favor.

    My situation, I have my mother I have to care for and of course work full time. Average class family but Alhamdulillah I do ok.

    My wife while educated has chosen not to work which is fair. Currently she is expecting, though we had planned not to have children initially but regardless are blessed.

    We are currently living separately from her mother in law, while this is not becoming manageable for me financially mainly, I have requested that we live together to make things more manageable especially with a child coming along.

    Rather than ramble, here is the case:

    Firstly, my spouse is not being honest to me, telling me that moving is fine but tell my mother no. Essentially in this case and others the bottom line for me is we are to support each other through thick and through thin, I feel 100% alone since the beginning.

    The time we have spent together I have realized that my spouse does not like me, I feel as if I am just a husband for title's sake.

    My spouse does not get along with my mother and will go out of her way to make good situations bad.

    I have tried talking out issues but it appears my spouse and I don't see eye to eye and that these are not issues for her.

    If we were to separate where she would return to her parents home, I am under the impression I will not get to see the child (hints from her), regardless the case how much maintenance should one expect to pay for the care of the child?

    Obviously I will owe other things but wasn't sure about the maintenance.

  • #2
    Re: Tough it out or find a way to move on?

    If you don't mind me asking, if this was your second marriage, did you discuss these things prior to marriage and what was she like then.

    I think you need to try and talk to be sure, before you take any steps.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Tough it out or find a way to move on?

      Originally posted by PatientGirl View Post
      If you don't mind me asking, if this was your second marriage, did you discuss these things prior to marriage and what was she like then.

      I think you need to try and talk to be sure, before you take any steps.

      I did discuss things with her prior to marriage, she even had the opportunity to come and see the situation. Everything was clearly laid out.

      I will certainly try to talk it out but frankly I just don't see it. Especially when the person is not being very upfront / truthful to me.

      I'm sure I have shortcomings too, but at the end of the day I think one has to be happy as a family and an individual.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Tough it out or find a way to move on?

        Originally posted by LimonPani View Post
        I did discuss things with her prior to marriage, she even had the opportunity to come and see the situation. Everything was clearly laid out.

        I will certainly try to talk it out but frankly I just don't see it. Especially when the person is not being very upfront / truthful to me.

        I'm sure I have shortcomings too, but at the end of the day I think one has to be happy as a family and an individual.
        Why did she agree to this marriage if shes behaving like this...

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Tough it out or find a way to move on?

          Originally posted by PatientGirl View Post
          Why did she agree to this marriage if shes behaving like this...
          That's the question I've been asking myself.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Tough it out or find a way to move on?

            Originally posted by LimonPani View Post
            That's the question I've been asking myself.
            she was probably thinking once she has a kid she'll get you to change your mind. you are having money problems, and your wife is not working. there is an obvious solution here, get her to find a job, even if it is part time. Tell her if she doesn't want to live with your parents and not work, then she'll have to find a way to come up with the extra money

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Tough it out or find a way to move on?

              ...
              Last edited by wifeseeker; 05-03-15, 03:16 PM. Reason: old

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Tough it out or find a way to move on?

                :wswrwb:

                You really should get the idea of divorce/separation out of your mind, honestly;. These are marital problems which many people face, so :insha: don't jump to divorce. You can resolve this.

                As long as you are providing her rights, that is, she can her own accommodation, expenses, fulfilled her needs, etc. Then, you can do whatever you feel is best for your mother. If she's sick and you think she needs your support and there is no one else, then you should help her :insha:

                Be gentle and explain to your wife :insha: But in the end you are the leader and you have the last say.

                So, don't ruin your marriage and your unborn child's future by jumping to divorce. It's an absurd idea in your case. With time, she'll get over it and settle down.

                Make abundant Dua'a to Allah to resolve your affairs, and He will surely answer your call.
                Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

                "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
                - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Tough it out or find a way to move on?

                  Originally posted by wifeseeker View Post
                  Are you rich bro?
                  Not rich not poor Alhamdulillah. :)

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Tough it out or find a way to move on?

                    ...
                    Last edited by wifeseeker; 05-03-15, 03:17 PM.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Tough it out or find a way to move on?

                      I'm a bit appauled by the fact that you'd just reach towards divorce the moment things get a little 'too' rocky.

                      Especially since you have a kid on the way too.

                      No offence, but you honestly do not appear to be someone who has a positive mentality towards marriage, and that is not good, at all.

                      She's your wife. YOU chose to take her as your wife.


                      I'm sick and tired of seeing people divorce in the drop of a hat, when they find their situation a little trying or difficult on them.

                      Some ppl have been through hell and back with their spouse yet they still remain in it for he long haul, mostly because they value the sanctity of marriage, or because they love their spouse and don't wish to leave them.
                      The fact that you're already considering maintenance costs of the unborn child is just appalling.

                      Truth is, you have a wife, and an unborn child on the way.

                      Take care of ur mother, but don't leave ur wife and kid in the process. You've already had a failed marriage before, why ruin your second marriage again?


                      Work things out. Don't divorce. That should be the LAST ever option. You married her, so you stick with her.
                      Do not be like these Western folk who scoot off and divorce when they feel things become a little difficult.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Tough it out or find a way to move on?

                        Originally posted by UmmAbdulMalik View Post
                        I'm a bit appauled by the fact that you'd just reach towards divorce the moment things get a little 'too' rocky.

                        Especially since you have a kid on the way too.

                        No offence, but you honestly do not appear to be someone who has a positive mentality towards marriage, and that is not good, at all.

                        She's your wife. YOU chose to take her as your wife.


                        I'm sick and tired of seeing people divorce in the drop of a hat, when they find their situation a little trying or difficult on them.

                        Some ppl have been through hell and back with their spouse yet they still remain in it for he long haul, mostly because they value the sanctity of marriage, or because they love their spouse and don't wish to leave them.
                        The fact that you're already considering maintenance costs of the unborn child is just appalling.

                        Truth is, you have a wife, and an unborn child on the way.

                        Take care of ur mother, but don't leave ur wife and kid in the process. You've already had a failed marriage before, why ruin your second marriage again?


                        Work things out. Don't divorce. That should be the LAST ever option. You married her, so you stick with her.
                        Do not be like these Western folk who scoot off and divorce when they feel things become a little difficult.
                        I guess for you this is a minor situation, but again very easy to misconstrue in the virtual world. Thanks for your advice anyways.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Tough it out or find a way to move on?

                          Originally posted by LimonPani View Post
                          I guess for you this is a minor situation, but again very easy to misconstrue in the virtual world. Thanks for your advice anyways.
                          Ok to specifically answer some of the q's you asked; Regarding the kid, maintenance will depend on where you live, if you marry again, how many kids you have, etc. she cannot stop you seeing it. it might take some time to get through the courts though if she is being resistant.

                          The only thing that would hurt you here is allegations of abuse. So if you are intent to go down this route, make sure you pay big bucks for a good lawyer - they'll tell you what evidence you need to ensure you don't get labelled an abuser.

                          Now onto the marriage itself: can you be more specific in what she doesn't like about you, what her faults are, will she move in with your mother, and importantly who is she being influenced by? Sometimes girls get told really bad advice about how to control their husband from their family.

                          Why did the first marriage break down? You don't have to go into specifics or indeed answer, but have you reflected and learnt from the mistakes made during that?

                          To be honest bro, without further information it is difficult to see this as a major problem. These kind of problems regarding communication, affection, in law family problems, are common.
                          Would you say you are really committed to this marriage or does it not fulfill the ideal you had in your head?

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Tough it out or find a way to move on?

                            Have you spoken to her parents regrading this situation?

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Tough it out or find a way to move on?

                              Seems like pretty miniscule reasons to give up on a relationship, it's best not to add third parties and discuss things with her one on one.

                              Honestly its hard to tell your situation as you havnt said much about the problem, but it should be kept between you and her, try to tell her how you feel about the situation, whatever it is.
                              unconditional love for all of mankind.

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