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Tough it out or find a way to move on?

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  • xyz89
    replied
    Re: Tough it out or find a way to move on?

    I think you should seek consuling. Ask around your mosque, there is bound to be someone who is a qualified marriage counselor.

    Leave a comment:


  • CanadianBro
    replied
    Re: Tough it out or find a way to move on?

    Originally posted by LimonPani View Post
    Assalamu Alaikum to All.

    Never had I imagined that I would look to write in the forums regarding this matter but I am in need of advice as I am looking to separate.

    I recently married roughly 6 months ago, second try as the first one ended about 6 years ago.

    The bottom line is, I am unhappy.

    Alhamdulillah I think the sister herself is good but we have our differences and the situations we are put are not in our favor.

    My situation, I have my mother I have to care for and of course work full time. Average class family but Alhamdulillah I do ok.

    My wife while educated has chosen not to work which is fair. Currently she is expecting, though we had planned not to have children initially but regardless are blessed.

    We are currently living separately from her mother in law, while this is not becoming manageable for me financially mainly, I have requested that we live together to make things more manageable especially with a child coming along.

    Rather than ramble, here is the case:

    Firstly, my spouse is not being honest to me, telling me that moving is fine but tell my mother no. Essentially in this case and others the bottom line for me is we are to support each other through thick and through thin, I feel 100% alone since the beginning.

    The time we have spent together I have realized that my spouse does not like me, I feel as if I am just a husband for title's sake.

    My spouse does not get along with my mother and will go out of her way to make good situations bad.

    I have tried talking out issues but it appears my spouse and I don't see eye to eye and that these are not issues for her.

    If we were to separate where she would return to her parents home, I am under the impression I will not get to see the child (hints from her), regardless the case how much maintenance should one expect to pay for the care of the child?

    Obviously I will owe other things but wasn't sure about the maintenance.
    Come on brother don't leave the marriage, every marriage have bad times. Spend more time with her :) Manage your time. If she doesn't hate you, or you dont hate her, DONT EVEN BRING DIVORCE OR DONT EVEN QUESTION UR MARRIAGE. Be more intimate :D :D

    Leave a comment:


  • fumke
    replied
    Re: Tough it out or find a way to move on?

    Tough it out for the sake of your child, is it really worth never seeing your kid? It will get better as the years go by, you are simply going through a rough patch right now. The easiest option is to just separate, in the long run it will be better if you stay with her. Give her space but stay with her.

    Leave a comment:


  • Anthanasia
    replied
    Re: Tough it out or find a way to move on?

    Asalam Alehkoum

    As a sister of yours, women can easily be ungrateful to men (women dont yell at me we all know this is true). She doesn't see how fortunate she is to not work and have a good supportive husband while many women suffer on their own, abusive relationships, cheating etc...your situation might be bad, but not that bad.

    If she doesn't like your mother, this is a common problem, figure out why and if it can be fixed. If you HAVE to take care of your mother with her living with you,it can make things easier on you as a couple, figure out why she doesn't like her, then talk of the benefits of your mother living with you.

    If she is so upset and being like this, I would actually ask her why she married you to begin with. Maybe she loves you but she is going through depression or little deen, or something causing her to be this way. Suggest counseling if not professional than with both families. Pregnancy is so hard on women, it makes everything so difficult so have extra, extra extra sabbur and keep doing a good job at being a husband.

    If you are talking and you don't see eye-to-eye then you need to compromise, one of you has to let the other win. What sort of relationship do you have? Do you guys love each other? Are you friends? Best friends? Were you close and then it got bad? If you guys were not that connected why did you marry exactly?!

    If she is acting in ways that are not of our deen then you need to remind her and in a good nice way fix the behavior.
    Maybe go on a small vacation, get away for awhile. Reconnect to each other romantically...maybe you two are just bored and frustrated. Maybe you need more alone time. Going on a travel can really see how you work together as a couple.

    Divorce is like the 100000 option because she is pregnant, what if you divorce and you DONT see your child? Do you really want to live that life?! I don't even think a sheikh would recommend a divorce (based off the details you told us). It may be hard, but you need to find more creative ways to fix this. Learn her more, ask how she is, do more romantic things, maybe her behavior isn't good now but try to build passion in your lives. When's the last time you went to nature? Go see earth, rocks, trees water...they say that seeing the ocean or hearing water move can fix sadness and depression...it can help you reconnect with Allah. Rebuild love if it was there, if it was not there build it...

    Leave a comment:


  • shann
    replied
    Re: Tough it out or find a way to move on?

    Seems like pretty miniscule reasons to give up on a relationship, it's best not to add third parties and discuss things with her one on one.

    Honestly its hard to tell your situation as you havnt said much about the problem, but it should be kept between you and her, try to tell her how you feel about the situation, whatever it is.

    Leave a comment:


  • Winter
    replied
    Re: Tough it out or find a way to move on?

    Have you spoken to her parents regrading this situation?

    Leave a comment:


  • Sabros
    replied
    Re: Tough it out or find a way to move on?

    Originally posted by LimonPani View Post
    I guess for you this is a minor situation, but again very easy to misconstrue in the virtual world. Thanks for your advice anyways.
    Ok to specifically answer some of the q's you asked; Regarding the kid, maintenance will depend on where you live, if you marry again, how many kids you have, etc. she cannot stop you seeing it. it might take some time to get through the courts though if she is being resistant.

    The only thing that would hurt you here is allegations of abuse. So if you are intent to go down this route, make sure you pay big bucks for a good lawyer - they'll tell you what evidence you need to ensure you don't get labelled an abuser.

    Now onto the marriage itself: can you be more specific in what she doesn't like about you, what her faults are, will she move in with your mother, and importantly who is she being influenced by? Sometimes girls get told really bad advice about how to control their husband from their family.

    Why did the first marriage break down? You don't have to go into specifics or indeed answer, but have you reflected and learnt from the mistakes made during that?

    To be honest bro, without further information it is difficult to see this as a major problem. These kind of problems regarding communication, affection, in law family problems, are common.
    Would you say you are really committed to this marriage or does it not fulfill the ideal you had in your head?

    Leave a comment:


  • LimonPani
    replied
    Re: Tough it out or find a way to move on?

    Originally posted by UmmAbdulMalik View Post
    I'm a bit appauled by the fact that you'd just reach towards divorce the moment things get a little 'too' rocky.

    Especially since you have a kid on the way too.

    No offence, but you honestly do not appear to be someone who has a positive mentality towards marriage, and that is not good, at all.

    She's your wife. YOU chose to take her as your wife.


    I'm sick and tired of seeing people divorce in the drop of a hat, when they find their situation a little trying or difficult on them.

    Some ppl have been through hell and back with their spouse yet they still remain in it for he long haul, mostly because they value the sanctity of marriage, or because they love their spouse and don't wish to leave them.
    The fact that you're already considering maintenance costs of the unborn child is just appalling.

    Truth is, you have a wife, and an unborn child on the way.

    Take care of ur mother, but don't leave ur wife and kid in the process. You've already had a failed marriage before, why ruin your second marriage again?


    Work things out. Don't divorce. That should be the LAST ever option. You married her, so you stick with her.
    Do not be like these Western folk who scoot off and divorce when they feel things become a little difficult.
    I guess for you this is a minor situation, but again very easy to misconstrue in the virtual world. Thanks for your advice anyways.

    Leave a comment:


  • UmmAbdulMalik
    replied
    Re: Tough it out or find a way to move on?

    I'm a bit appauled by the fact that you'd just reach towards divorce the moment things get a little 'too' rocky.

    Especially since you have a kid on the way too.

    No offence, but you honestly do not appear to be someone who has a positive mentality towards marriage, and that is not good, at all.

    She's your wife. YOU chose to take her as your wife.


    I'm sick and tired of seeing people divorce in the drop of a hat, when they find their situation a little trying or difficult on them.

    Some ppl have been through hell and back with their spouse yet they still remain in it for he long haul, mostly because they value the sanctity of marriage, or because they love their spouse and don't wish to leave them.
    The fact that you're already considering maintenance costs of the unborn child is just appalling.

    Truth is, you have a wife, and an unborn child on the way.

    Take care of ur mother, but don't leave ur wife and kid in the process. You've already had a failed marriage before, why ruin your second marriage again?


    Work things out. Don't divorce. That should be the LAST ever option. You married her, so you stick with her.
    Do not be like these Western folk who scoot off and divorce when they feel things become a little difficult.

    Leave a comment:


  • wifeseeker
    replied
    Re: Tough it out or find a way to move on?

    ...
    Last edited by wifeseeker; 05-03-15, 03:17 PM.

    Leave a comment:


  • LimonPani
    replied
    Re: Tough it out or find a way to move on?

    Originally posted by wifeseeker View Post
    Are you rich bro?
    Not rich not poor Alhamdulillah. :)

    Leave a comment:


  • .mirror.
    replied
    Re: Tough it out or find a way to move on?

    :wswrwb:

    You really should get the idea of divorce/separation out of your mind, honestly;. These are marital problems which many people face, so :insha: don't jump to divorce. You can resolve this.

    As long as you are providing her rights, that is, she can her own accommodation, expenses, fulfilled her needs, etc. Then, you can do whatever you feel is best for your mother. If she's sick and you think she needs your support and there is no one else, then you should help her :insha:

    Be gentle and explain to your wife :insha: But in the end you are the leader and you have the last say.

    So, don't ruin your marriage and your unborn child's future by jumping to divorce. It's an absurd idea in your case. With time, she'll get over it and settle down.

    Make abundant Dua'a to Allah to resolve your affairs, and He will surely answer your call.

    Leave a comment:


  • wifeseeker
    replied
    Re: Tough it out or find a way to move on?

    ...
    Last edited by wifeseeker; 05-03-15, 03:16 PM. Reason: old

    Leave a comment:


  • Superwoman
    replied
    Re: Tough it out or find a way to move on?

    Originally posted by LimonPani View Post
    That's the question I've been asking myself.
    she was probably thinking once she has a kid she'll get you to change your mind. you are having money problems, and your wife is not working. there is an obvious solution here, get her to find a job, even if it is part time. Tell her if she doesn't want to live with your parents and not work, then she'll have to find a way to come up with the extra money

    Leave a comment:


  • LimonPani
    replied
    Re: Tough it out or find a way to move on?

    Originally posted by PatientGirl View Post
    Why did she agree to this marriage if shes behaving like this...
    That's the question I've been asking myself.

    Leave a comment:

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