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Question to sisters (from a brother)

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  • #31
    Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

    Originally posted by pointless View Post
    Brother, stop stressing in shaa Allah.

    Continue with your search. If you do find someone who is happy with your current situation, and if you are planning to get your own place soon, then khair in shaa Allah.

    If not, still continue the search and in the meanwhile, save up and buy in shaa Allah.

    Do not worry about 'all' the sisters. You just need to find one in shaa Allah.

    EDIT: What bro Al-Siddiq said also sounds good. It depends on whether your parents would be okay with it.
    InshaAllah. JazakAllah ukhti
    God has created Angels with reason but having no desires; animals with desires but no reason and man with both reason and desires. Therefore, if one’s reason is stronger than his desires, he is like an Angel,
    while if his desires are stronger than his reason, he is like an animal.

    - Ibn Al-Qayyim


    وَاسْتَعِينُوا بِالصَّبْرِ وَالصَّلَاةِ

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    • #32
      Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

      Originally posted by halfmydeen89 View Post
      Appreciate your response akhi and sounds like a good plan. The only issue is financially getting your own place especially if you live in a UK city. Renting is a possibility but I hate the idea as you're not investing towards your own place whatsoever. I'd rather save for m own place. What do you think?
      Actually renting is much better, because you are not forced to go into debt. Renting keeps you lean and solvent, which means you can always move about and change things when the need comes.

      You want to focus on this like a company, keep your overhead low, and focus on simply getting through the early periods. It is later you want to think about saving for your own place. I find too many people are trying to build their whole family life, except without the wife. They add the wife last, which to me is backwards. You want a companion at the start, then build life with her!
      If you have any questions feel free to PM me!

      Humililty, Sincerity, and the quest for Truth. There is no purpose in life but to seek the pleasure of Allah.
      There is a possibility a female might use this account to read something!

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      • #33
        Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

        ...
        Last edited by halfmydeen89; 20-08-15, 08:59 AM.
        God has created Angels with reason but having no desires; animals with desires but no reason and man with both reason and desires. Therefore, if one’s reason is stronger than his desires, he is like an Angel,
        while if his desires are stronger than his reason, he is like an animal.

        - Ibn Al-Qayyim


        وَاسْتَعِينُوا بِالصَّبْرِ وَالصَّلَاةِ

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        • #34
          Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

          You are going to say no to a guy for asking u to spend 1/2 yr with inlaws. Assuming your married for 30 years that's 1/60 of your married life that's nothing. For someone wonderful, it's nothing

          Anyways I live with my inlaws been 8 months. We weren't expecting to live but it happened. I actually love living with inlaws. It's great to get to know his family n hear childhood stories. It's also a relief not to be in each other face so early on. To be honest marriage adds so many changes n lot r internal. Adding spouse entertainment can be more stressful. Now I have his sis in law, his bro, 3 nephew plus I see more of his relatives because I live with his family than had we lived alone. We probably spent 2 hr talking to each other on most days n that's perfect. We get to know each other slowly n don't feel overwhelm. Also we don't feel like grown up all of sudden. I still semi feel like I am at my moms. Food is ready when I come home from work, minimal household responsibility.

          Had we had to run a house n have each other to spend all our time with I am sure we would have driven each other crazy or had millions of argument. Now it's slow n steady. By the time we will have a house to run we will know enough about each other to work around it IA

          I would say it's no big deal. Regarding brother in law, most families you want have 2 adult bro in home. In my case we have the attic which has bedroom bathroom n small hallway we use for TV. I spent most of my time upstairs. Hid bro never comes upstait, only the Lil kids come. When I go downstairs it's usually to eat or to go out. So it's easy to keep hijab
          Last edited by Kya; 28-02-15, 06:39 AM.

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          • #35
            Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

            This is very interesting. I've never heard of living with in laws before I met Desis. I'm not Asian, so that's almost nonexistent, in my culture. I guess I wouldn't.........for obvious reasons. But I think a lot of people won't mind if the family is very kind, and I guess if the house is big enough and if there are no brother-in-laws, although I assume there are, then even more girls won't have a problem with it.
            Thee do we worship, and Thine aid we seek.

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            • #36
              Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

              Originally posted by Kya View Post
              You are going to say no to a guy for asking u to spend 1/2 yr with inlaws. Assuming your married for 30 years that's 1/60 of your married life that's nothing. For someone wonderful, it's nothing

              Anyways I live with my inlaws been 8 months. We weren't expecting to live but it happened. I actually love living with inlaws. It's great to get to know his family n hear childhood stories. It's also a relief not to be in each other face so early on. To be honest marriage adds so many changes n lot r internal. Adding spouse entertainment can be more stressful. Now I have his sis in law, his bro, 3 nephew plus I see more of his relatives because I live with his family than had we lived alone. We probably spent 2 hr talking to each other on most days n that's perfect. We get to know each other slowly n don't feel overwhelm. Also we don't feel like grown up all of sudden. I still semi feel like I am at my moms. Food is ready when I come home from work, minimal household responsibility.

              Had we had to run a house n have each other to spend all our time with I am sure we would have driven each other crazy or had millions of argument. Now it's slow n steady. By the time we will have a house to run we will know enough about each other to work around it IA

              I would say it's no big deal. Regarding brother in law, most families you want have 2 adult bro in home. In my case we have the attic which has bedroom bathroom n small hallway we use for TV. I spent most of my time upstairs. Hid bro never comes upstait, only the Lil kids come. When I go downstairs it's usually to eat or to go out. So it's easy to keep hijab
              I must say this is not a scenario that is common. I am just writing this post because while segregation is good, complete segregation is not always possible if one wants to completely integrate with the family in the way that is desired by most husband and his family. Not many MIL will be happy cooking and cleaning while DIL is out working and has food ready on the table unless she wishes to remain in charge of the house/kitchen on her own accord. To some, it may seem as though her son's marriage added to her responsibility unless they are making you work due to financial reasons. I am just stating what I feel most would think or what I have observed around me. Please do not think your MIL is having those thoughts. I do not know. I am just stating what is prevalent in some cultures.

              You seem to have almost complete privacy. Ma shaa Allah.

              But, things are different for most because some are still expected or choose to look after the house and cook on top of working. Some are full-time housewives and may have brother-in-laws of different age at home different times. Other male relatives etc. Some houses have guests on a routine basis and as a DIL, you can't be sitting in your own room. It is sensible to help your DIL. Just some families that I observed.

              You have been lucky to have a supporting in-law and I am telling you because I want you to appreciate what you have and also give it back to them in shaa Allah (you do not have to tell us what you do for them that is between you and Allah SWT). I just want a married to sister to be happy in shaa Allah and know that it is not always bad.

              It is understandable some families will complain if the daughter- in-law is in her room all the time except when she really needs to go down. But, that depends on family dynamics. If the rest of the family also spends a lot of time in their own personal rooms, then that's different.

              Just be careful of how much separated you create at the same time. But, if you are getting along with in-laws and your husband is happy, then khair ma shaa Allah.
              Ramadan Ummah Project 2015 in shaa Allah
              http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthrea...h-Project-2015
              Let's learn and live Islam together. Ameen.
              ----------------------- :apple::watermelon::peach:------------------------
              My Lord! bestow on them thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood [17:24]

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              • #37
                Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

                Originally posted by halfmydeen89 View Post
                Well said akhi. I guess i'm thinking of it in terms of comfort. Living at home would give us the comfort of spending our time and money on ourselves and not our home. However as sis Pointless mentioned this is not easy for a sister to live with non mahrams.

                EDIT: I wonder which comfort sister's would be willing to sacrifice on for the other? I think most likely they'd prefer to live with their husband only in their own home and wouldn't mind not going on not so many travelling experiences together because of less savings. Deen should be the most important thing in her life and that's the sole reason she'd like to separate in the first place.
                Just depends on the situation. But I did mean really in terms of buying another house vs renting. Renting has a lot of advantages.
                If you have any questions feel free to PM me!

                Humililty, Sincerity, and the quest for Truth. There is no purpose in life but to seek the pleasure of Allah.
                There is a possibility a female might use this account to read something!

                Comment


                • #38
                  Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

                  No thanks to interfering in laws.
                  [FONT=Century Gothic][COLOR="#0066ff"][SIZE=4] We're all a little broken in our own little way and the last time I checked, broken crayons still colour the same...[/SIZE][/COLOR][/FONT]

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                  • #39
                    Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

                    If its only going to take you 1-2 years to find your own place why does she need to live with you, why don't you just do long distance for that amount of time? let her stay with her family and you stay with yours and just meet whenever you want. Personally I wouldn't move in with him even for short while, I don't think its fair for me to leave my family if he is not going to leave his.

                    You need to understand why people don't want to live with in-laws, would you live with yours? Girls especially are usually pressured into looking after her in-laws or doing all the work around the house. and she has very little freedom. my freedom is everything to me, if he ever wanted me to move in with him i want assurance that I can do whatever i want in the house. and no, I had no intention to move in with him just to be his and his familys maid.

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                    • #40
                      Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

                      Originally posted by Figs View Post
                      This is very interesting. I've never heard of living with in laws before I met Desis. I'm not Asian, so that's almost nonexistent, in my culture. I guess I wouldn't.........for obvious reasons. But I think a lot of people won't mind if the family is very kind, and I guess if the house is big enough and if there are no brother-in-laws, although I assume there are, then even more girls won't have a problem with it.
                      Thats cool, thats how it should be. what culture do you belong to?

                      Its a traditional thing in Asian because for centuries no one could afford to buy their own place therefore they had no choice but to live with their parents and move their wife in there and raise their children there. But they like to put a spin on it by saying ' we live together because we are all about family' rubbish, you simply still live with your parents because you cannot afford to buy your own house. plain and simple.

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                      • #41
                        Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

                        No, definitely not.

                        I rather live apart (me with my parents and he with his parents) to save money for 1-2 years.
                        Forgiving others is not a weakness.
                        It takes a strong person to forgive.

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                        • #42
                          Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

                          Originally posted by fumke View Post
                          Thats cool, thats how it should be. what culture do you belong to?

                          Its a traditional thing in Asian because for centuries no one could afford to buy their own place therefore they had no choice but to live with their parents and move their wife in there and raise their children there. But they like to put a spin on it by saying ' we live together because we are all about family' rubbish, you simply still live with your parents because you cannot afford to buy your own house. plain and simple.
                          I belong to the Somali culture. At least from my experience, Somalis tend to be very tight-knit communities,so even 'back home', my parents say that the new couple live next to the houses of their siblings and their families, cousins and their families, and grandparents, although when they get old they might move in. So privacy isn't invaded, but they still help each other out....in a way. I think in the olden days, it was a bit different though.
                          Thee do we worship, and Thine aid we seek.

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                          • #43
                            Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

                            Originally posted by Figs View Post
                            I belong to the Somali culture. At least from my experience, Somalis tend to be very tight-knit communities,so even 'back home', my parents say that the new couple live next to the houses of their siblings and their families, cousins and their families, and grandparents, although when they get old they might move in. So privacy isn't invaded, but they still help each other out....in a way. I think in the olden days, it was a bit different though.
                            Yeah I had a feeling you'd be Somali, somalis do it best

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                            • #44
                              Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

                              Hell to the no, never will i be living with the in-laws

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                              • #45
                                Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

                                If you have brothers its wrong as your wife and brothers should not be living in the same house.

                                but if not, its ok.

                                personally I think if you want to take care of parents, have them move into your home rather than bring your wife to parents house. , at least.
                                --

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