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Question to sisters (from a brother)

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  • #16
    Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

    Originally posted by pointless View Post
    Brother, my husband's brother is same as a stranger on the street in the sense that I have to be mindful of what I am wearing or even how I am talking.

    Actually, let me give you this:

    The Prophet SAW said: "Beware of entering upon women." One of the Sahaabah said to him, "O Messenger of Allaah, what about the brother-in-law?" He said: "The brother-in-law is death!" (Reported by al-Bukhaari, Fath al-Baari, 9/330).


    I am not saying his brother will have ill thoughts but I need to be mindful. On top of that, as a new bride, you get that extra focus from the whole family which can be a bit 'embarrassing'. (I hope you get what I mean)

    My father-in-law is my mahram. So, I can relax a bit but still out of respect, I will have to be mindful. The fact that I am used hijab, it may take some time getting used to the idea that he is my mahram like my dad.
    "Al-Hamu al mawt" (Brother in-law is death), you beat me to it sis! Infact it's worse than a stranger on the street because nobody will question the brother in-law entering the house. However there may be many pervy brother in-laws out there but there are also many decent, righteous and modest ones who would respect the privacy of their sister and avoid any unnecessary mixing.

    What would your ideal scenario be then if finances were limited? You may be able to get by on renting your own place but that wouldn't leave you guys much to save each month for a deposit.

    And yes, this is my situation so i'm looking for ideas on how sister's would react and what could be done to make both lives easier.
    Last edited by halfmydeen89; 28-02-15, 12:39 AM.
    God has created Angels with reason but having no desires; animals with desires but no reason and man with both reason and desires. Therefore, if one’s reason is stronger than his desires, he is like an Angel,
    while if his desires are stronger than his reason, he is like an animal.

    - Ibn Al-Qayyim


    وَاسْتَعِينُوا بِالصَّبْرِ وَالصَّلَاةِ

    Comment


    • #17
      Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

      Originally posted by halfmydeen89 View Post
      "Al-Hamu al mawt" (Brother in-law is death), you beat me to it sis! Infact it's worse than a stranger on the street because nobody will question the brother in-law entering the house.

      What would your ideal scenario be then if finances were limited? You may be able to get by on renting your own place but that wouldn't leave you guys much to save each month for a deposit.
      Yes, indeed. The fact that he is my husbands brother, it would be even harder to enforce it because unless the husband is practicing to a sufficient level, he will get offended immensely.

      Girls, marry a man of deen.

      Send the brother-in-law out if he is richer? (Then, who am I to send or take people in. Its their family)

      Chances are I will probably end up in the same house as brother-in-law as it is very prevalent in the desi race.

      I suppose probably make do for a few years but once you have kids, more expenses.

      Marry a rich guy? (Take it lightly please)

      All I can say is create the most 'halal' outcome from what one has available.
      Ramadan Ummah Project 2015 in shaa Allah
      http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthrea...h-Project-2015
      Let's learn and live Islam together. Ameen.
      ----------------------- :apple::watermelon::peach:------------------------
      My Lord! bestow on them thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood [17:24]

      Comment


      • #18
        Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

        Originally posted by umm salabil View Post
        I am quite flexible however I like the idea of having a separate portion, that is bedroom living room kitchen bath. I do believe it's necessary for the newlywed to have space to themselves even if libing in the same house unless financially impossible.
        Definitely agree that space to yourselves is necessary for newly weds. For the daughter in-law, having to accustom herself and live with and get used to new personalities sounds incredibly overwhelming. I would totally respect the privacy of my wife and would hope that family would respect her alone time with or without her husband.
        God has created Angels with reason but having no desires; animals with desires but no reason and man with both reason and desires. Therefore, if one’s reason is stronger than his desires, he is like an Angel,
        while if his desires are stronger than his reason, he is like an animal.

        - Ibn Al-Qayyim


        وَاسْتَعِينُوا بِالصَّبْرِ وَالصَّلَاةِ

        Comment


        • #19
          Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

          Originally posted by pointless View Post
          Yes, indeed. The fact that he is my husbands brother, it would be even harder to enforce it because unless the husband is practicing to a sufficient level, he will get offended immensely.

          Girls, marry a man of deen.

          Send the brother-in-law out if he is richer? (Then, who am I to send or take people in. Its their family)

          Chances are I will probably end up in the same house as brother-in-law as it is very prevalent in the desi race.

          I suppose probably make do for a few years but once you have kids, more expenses.

          Marry a rich guy? (Take it lightly please)

          All I can say is create the most 'halal' outcome from what one has available.
          "because unless the husband is practicing to a sufficient level, he will get offended immensely. " - I didn't understand this part sis, offended by what?

          "All I can say is create the most 'halal' outcome from what one has available" - A truly humbling statement sis, may Allah swt make it easier for all us all, ameen.
          Last edited by halfmydeen89; 28-02-15, 12:51 AM.
          God has created Angels with reason but having no desires; animals with desires but no reason and man with both reason and desires. Therefore, if one’s reason is stronger than his desires, he is like an Angel,
          while if his desires are stronger than his reason, he is like an animal.

          - Ibn Al-Qayyim


          وَاسْتَعِينُوا بِالصَّبْرِ وَالصَّلَاةِ

          Comment


          • #20
            Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

            Originally posted by halfmydeen89 View Post
            "because unless the husband is practicing to a sufficient level, he will get offended immensely. " - I didn't understand this part sis, offended by what?
            That I am causing a fuss over his brother being a non-mahram.
            Ramadan Ummah Project 2015 in shaa Allah
            http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthrea...h-Project-2015
            Let's learn and live Islam together. Ameen.
            ----------------------- :apple::watermelon::peach:------------------------
            My Lord! bestow on them thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood [17:24]

            Comment


            • #21
              Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

              I might be posting on the forum or replying to brothers.

              But I do not have to physically see them. To me, its all usernames (not you sisters!!) and fellow Muslims. Of course, I still have to maintain etiquette. Most appear younger than me to me for some reason.

              I know I will feel uncomfortable especially if his brother is older than him. I do not cover my hair in front of my dad but other than that I still maintain the rest of my hijab and still have a respectable distance.

              Chances are if he is older, I will be much younger in age. Probably, younger than his wife.

              Obviously, one must not have doubt over someone else's character. But, I know for a fact it will be difficult because it is not usual to have a non-mahram male on a daily basis at home in my current life nor is it for any other single sister.

              Who wears their headscarf all tightly wrapped up at home. It gets uncomfortable.

              May be see if I can find a brother with sisters only who also is suitable. It is a need from my end. (Just my thought)

              Also, something else I have come across once which I would have never considered in a million years (as I said one only knows it after marriage).

              On a Q&A website (not Islam Q&A, or could be), I remember once a sister was struggling because she was too embarrassed to purify herself early in the morning as it would alert the whole house before Fajr (though I was curious whether her husband was offering prayer or not as it seemed to be an issue more for her). (I cannot go into it in detail) While it may not be an issue for men, women are more shy. This is a new thing to get used to after marriage. On top of that, you have other people around you. Hence, separated/en suite gives more privacy. I have never spoken to a married sister directly as it is very personal. So, I am as clueless as you.

              Speak to a married person? I am sure I am missing stuff.

              These are my observations.

              PS: I had to go into it in detail because a sister needs to watch out for her sister (i.e.: your wife).
              Ramadan Ummah Project 2015 in shaa Allah
              http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthrea...h-Project-2015
              Let's learn and live Islam together. Ameen.
              ----------------------- :apple::watermelon::peach:------------------------
              My Lord! bestow on them thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood [17:24]

              Comment


              • #22
                Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

                Originally posted by pointless View Post
                That I am causing a fuss over his brother being a non-mahram.
                Ah got it! I'd get offended only if my wife caused a great fuss before meeting and getting to know my family.

                The ideal situation is definitely to get your own place. The hadith mentioned is not to be taken lightly, I agree. However there needs to be a certain level of flexibility and I believe when the people of the house respect and care for eachothers privacy then the situation becomes a whole lot easier to manage and maintain.
                God has created Angels with reason but having no desires; animals with desires but no reason and man with both reason and desires. Therefore, if one’s reason is stronger than his desires, he is like an Angel,
                while if his desires are stronger than his reason, he is like an animal.

                - Ibn Al-Qayyim


                وَاسْتَعِينُوا بِالصَّبْرِ وَالصَّلَاةِ

                Comment


                • #23
                  Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

                  ...
                  Last edited by halfmydeen89; 20-08-15, 08:57 AM.
                  God has created Angels with reason but having no desires; animals with desires but no reason and man with both reason and desires. Therefore, if one’s reason is stronger than his desires, he is like an Angel,
                  while if his desires are stronger than his reason, he is like an animal.

                  - Ibn Al-Qayyim


                  وَاسْتَعِينُوا بِالصَّبْرِ وَالصَّلَاةِ

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

                    Originally posted by halfmydeen89 View Post
                    JazakAllah for sharing your observations ukhti.

                    So for a brother who wants to marry a righteous and religious muslimah but cannot yet afford his own place, he's going to struggle to find a girl who will stay with her in-laws?
                    Not necessarily.

                    Once again, all I can say is create the most 'halal' outcome from what one has available In shaa Allah.

                    She will create the best outcome that is possible for her until it infringes on her deen or duties as a wife. But a good husband should work with her as a team to make their marital life still enjoyable and also not to make practice of the deen burdensome.
                    Ramadan Ummah Project 2015 in shaa Allah
                    http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthrea...h-Project-2015
                    Let's learn and live Islam together. Ameen.
                    ----------------------- :apple::watermelon::peach:------------------------
                    My Lord! bestow on them thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood [17:24]

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

                      i hate the whole idea, every bit of it but im asian so what can you do

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

                        I would say speak to brothers too. Married preferably. Obviously some things are personal. I am sure they can still advise you in shaa Allah.

                        I am only giving you a sister's view point, on top of that based on reading forums but people with real issues.
                        Ramadan Ummah Project 2015 in shaa Allah
                        http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthrea...h-Project-2015
                        Let's learn and live Islam together. Ameen.
                        ----------------------- :apple::watermelon::peach:------------------------
                        My Lord! bestow on them thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood [17:24]

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

                          ...
                          Last edited by halfmydeen89; 20-08-15, 08:57 AM.
                          God has created Angels with reason but having no desires; animals with desires but no reason and man with both reason and desires. Therefore, if one’s reason is stronger than his desires, he is like an Angel,
                          while if his desires are stronger than his reason, he is like an animal.

                          - Ibn Al-Qayyim


                          وَاسْتَعِينُوا بِالصَّبْرِ وَالصَّلَاةِ

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

                            I know you asked sisters akhi, but I actually am thinking the opposite.

                            Separate for the first year or two, then bringing parents in after. This allows me to create the structure and direction for the family with my wife, and then after I bring parents into the environment I constructed.
                            If you have any questions feel free to PM me!

                            Humililty, Sincerity, and the quest for Truth. There is no purpose in life but to seek the pleasure of Allah.
                            There is a possibility a female might use this account to read something!

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

                              Originally posted by halfmydeen89 View Post
                              Ok. I guess i just don't want to scare of righteous potentials with the in-law situation before hand. Perhaps it's better to just save up and get my own place before marriage. Or I should mention it to potentials early on and say that if we married soon then we'd live with in-laws for a while or we could wait and only marry after saving up.

                              At the end of the day, the most important thing is to be honest and have sabr. Allah swt is the matchmaker afterall. I'm glad to know that there are sister's out there who would appreciate and take time to understand the situation and try to work things out. And teamwork it is indeed.

                              JazakAllah for your valuable inputs akhawat, will ask more questions as soon as they come to me :)
                              Brother, stop stressing in shaa Allah.

                              Continue with your search. If you do find someone who is happy with your current situation, and if you are planning to get your own place soon, then khair in shaa Allah.

                              If not, still continue the search and in the meanwhile, save up and buy in shaa Allah.

                              Do not worry about 'all' the sisters. You just need to find one in shaa Allah.

                              EDIT: What bro Al-Siddiq said also sounds good. It depends on whether your parents would be okay with it.
                              Last edited by pointless; 28-02-15, 01:36 AM.
                              Ramadan Ummah Project 2015 in shaa Allah
                              http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthrea...h-Project-2015
                              Let's learn and live Islam together. Ameen.
                              ----------------------- :apple::watermelon::peach:------------------------
                              My Lord! bestow on them thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood [17:24]

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

                                ...
                                Last edited by halfmydeen89; 20-08-15, 08:58 AM.
                                God has created Angels with reason but having no desires; animals with desires but no reason and man with both reason and desires. Therefore, if one’s reason is stronger than his desires, he is like an Angel,
                                while if his desires are stronger than his reason, he is like an animal.

                                - Ibn Al-Qayyim


                                وَاسْتَعِينُوا بِالصَّبْرِ وَالصَّلَاةِ

                                Comment

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