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  • Question to sisters (from a brother)

    ...
    Last edited by halfmydeen89; 20-08-15, 08:52 AM.
    God has created Angels with reason but having no desires; animals with desires but no reason and man with both reason and desires. Therefore, if one’s reason is stronger than his desires, he is like an Angel,
    while if his desires are stronger than his reason, he is like an animal.

    - Ibn Al-Qayyim


    وَاسْتَعِينُوا بِالصَّبْرِ وَالصَّلَاةِ

  • #2
    Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

    Wa 'alaikum as salaam,


    I have issues with this idea of first year being the 'make or break' year. Make or break can happen before, 1 minute after or during the nikah.


    Most do end up living with in-laws. Some were okay with it to start with it, some just learn to accept it.

    Personally, I do not mind but I would find it awkward if brother-in-laws were in the same house. But, I guess I would be considered to be too picky.

    I would like to have parental figures around. But, it will obviously be difficult on me if they start to oppose me as opposed to see me as one of them.

    It would also be nice if its just our family of our own in our own place.

    Du'aa du'aa du'aa and just trying one's best.

    It is very much situation dependent. I cannot give a straight forward yes/no.
    Ramadan Ummah Project 2015 in shaa Allah
    http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthrea...h-Project-2015
    Let's learn and live Islam together. Ameen.
    ----------------------- ------------------------
    My Lord! bestow on them thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood [17:24]

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

      Assalamualiakum.

      Personally I have never really liked the thought of living with in laws but I guess it all depends on how things pan out and how supportive and understanding my in laws and husband are, so it's something I wouldn't mind compromising on. The first year is the most difficult year of marriage and it works out fine for some but not for others. I do agree with pointless though it really depends on each individual situation... it's hard to give a yes or no answer.
      Last edited by Charmbracelet0; 27-02-15, 11:42 PM.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

        Originally posted by pointless View Post
        I have issues with this idea of first year being the 'make or break' year. Make or break can happen before, 1 minute after or during the nikah.
        This is very true. I meant more in the sense that during the first year it's essential to spend quality time together as this will be the most over-whelming year in the marriage in terms of getting to know one another, taking on marital responsibility etc

        Originally posted by pointless View Post
        Personally, I do not mind but I would find it awkward if brother-in-laws were in the same house. But, I guess I would be considered to be too picky.
        How about if the in-laws house respected the privacy of men and women and had separate living rooms for each? i.e. brothers would not enter the sister's living room without prior approval

        It's sad to see that many families do not give their daughter in-laws due respect or treat them like maids and have maid-like expectations. I personally would not be happy nor comfortable if my wife was the least bit uncomfortable or mistreated at home. Afterall, nobody should be made to feel like that in their own dwelling place.
        God has created Angels with reason but having no desires; animals with desires but no reason and man with both reason and desires. Therefore, if one’s reason is stronger than his desires, he is like an Angel,
        while if his desires are stronger than his reason, he is like an animal.

        - Ibn Al-Qayyim


        وَاسْتَعِينُوا بِالصَّبْرِ وَالصَّلَاةِ

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

          Originally posted by Charmbracelet0 View Post
          Assalamualiakum.

          Personally I have never really liked the thought of living with in laws but I guess it all depends on how things pan out and how supportive and understanding my in laws and husband are, so it's something I wouldn't mind compromising on. The first year is the most difficult year of marriage and it works out fine for some but not for others. I do agree with pointless though it really depends on each individual situation... it's hard to give a yes or no answer.
          That's understandable. It sounds like you'd accept it on the basis that you were treated with respect and given your privacy, otherwise you'd ask to move out..correct? It's difficult to know your in-laws before marriage. Infact, you don't know anybody truly until you've lived with them right?

          You said a really wonderful thing sis and that's the word 'compromise'. Sadly, there are not many brothers/sisters out there who are willing to compromise on their requirements within reason
          Last edited by halfmydeen89; 27-02-15, 11:54 PM.
          God has created Angels with reason but having no desires; animals with desires but no reason and man with both reason and desires. Therefore, if one’s reason is stronger than his desires, he is like an Angel,
          while if his desires are stronger than his reason, he is like an animal.

          - Ibn Al-Qayyim


          وَاسْتَعِينُوا بِالصَّبْرِ وَالصَّلَاةِ

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

            Originally posted by halfmydeen89 View Post
            This is very true. I meant more in the sense that during the first year it's essential to spend quality time together as this will be the most over-whelming year in the marriage in terms of getting to know one another, taking on marital responsibility etc


            How about if the in-laws house respected the privacy of men and women and had separate living rooms for each? i.e. brothers would not enter the sister's living room without prior approval

            It's sad to see that many families do not give their daughter in-laws due respect or treat them like maids and have maid-like expectations. I personally would not be happy nor comfortable if my wife was the least bit uncomfortable or mistreated at home. Afterall, nobody should be made to feel like that in their own dwelling place.
            I do not mind doing things around the house like I would do for my own. It is whether I get the respect as their daughter.

            If my mother-in-law is struggling or old, obviously in what common sense, I will just sit and watch her clean around the house.

            It is pushing me beyond my limit and criticising me is what will test my patience. But, it is a thing of qadr.


            Hmm… but I will still have to observe the hijab to leave the bedroom, go to kitchen, bathroom etc.

            Sometimes you are not well, sometimes you are expecting. Sometimes it is too hot in the summer. These may sound like trivial things but the only place I can really relax is home. If I have non-mahrams to worry about also at home, it is quite a test.

            Obviously, if situation is such that I will have to live in the same house, then I will have to get used to it but it will also mean my husband cannot expect me to 'dress up' and stuff.
            Ramadan Ummah Project 2015 in shaa Allah
            http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthrea...h-Project-2015
            Let's learn and live Islam together. Ameen.
            ----------------------- ------------------------
            My Lord! bestow on them thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood [17:24]

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

              Originally posted by halfmydeen89 View Post
              That's understandable. It sounds like you'd accept it on the basis that you were treated with respect and given your privacy, otherwise you'd ask to move out..correct? It's difficult to know your in-laws before marriage. Infact, you don't know anybody truly until you've lived with them right?

              You said a really wonderful thing sis and that's the word 'compromise'. Sadly, there are not many brothers/sisters out there who are willing to compromise on their requirements within reason
              Yes, that's right. I agree, compromise is a two way thing though and surely you would only choose to be with someone for the rest of your life when you have developed that mutual understanding...it is sad to see relationships break up because of the lack of this...

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

                Originally posted by pointless View Post
                I do not mind doing things around the house like I would do for my own. It is whether I get the respect as their daughter.

                If my mother-in-law is struggling or old, obviously in what common sense, I will just sit and watch her clean around the house.

                It is pushing me beyond my limit and criticising me is what will test my patience. But, it is a thing of qadr.


                Hmm… but I will still have to observe the hijab to leave the bedroom, go to kitchen, bathroom etc.

                Sometimes you are not well, sometimes you are expecting. Sometimes it is too hot in the summer. These may sound like trivial things but the only place I can really relax is home. If I have non-mahrams to worry about also at home, it is quite a test.

                Obviously, if situation is such that I will have to live in the same house, then I will have to get used to it but it will also mean my husband cannot expect me to 'dress up' and stuff.
                Pointless, if renting was out of the question (due to finances) and the only way was to stay with your in-laws for a year or so and then finally get your own place, what things would make your life somewhat easier at your in-laws house? e.g. separate living and bathrooms? Any particular rules that you could enforce to make your life more comfortable?

                Same question to all sisters actually, if it came down to it then what would ease your stay at your in-laws?

                Being mistreated is out of the question. Nobody should ever need to live with anyone who doesn't respect them unless it was an absoluteee necessity.
                Last edited by halfmydeen89; 28-02-15, 12:11 AM.
                God has created Angels with reason but having no desires; animals with desires but no reason and man with both reason and desires. Therefore, if one’s reason is stronger than his desires, he is like an Angel,
                while if his desires are stronger than his reason, he is like an animal.

                - Ibn Al-Qayyim


                وَاسْتَعِينُوا بِالصَّبْرِ وَالصَّلَاةِ

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

                  Originally posted by halfmydeen89 View Post
                  Pointless, if renting was out of the question (due to finances) and the only way was to stay with your in-laws for a year or so and then finally get your own place, what things would make your life somewhat easier at your in-laws house? e.g. separate living and bathrooms? Any particular rules that you could enforce to make your life more comfortable?

                  Same question to all sisters actually, if it came down to it then what would ease your stay at your in-laws?

                  Being mistreated is out of the question. Nobody should ever need to live with anyone who doesn't respect them unless it was an absoluteee necessity.
                  Definately a separate bathroom. I don't think I'd be comfortable with people going into my bedroom either.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

                    no, and that goes for either side

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

                      Originally posted by halfmydeen89 View Post
                      Pointless, if renting was out of the question (due to finances) and the only way was to stay with your in-laws for a year or so and then finally get your own place, what things would make your life somewhat easier at your in-laws house? e.g. separate living and bathrooms? Any particular rules that you could enforce to make your life more comfortable?
                      The situation in your OP post is yours right?

                      It depends on the girl brother.

                      My views may be a bit skewed because I saw someone close to me suffer a lot.

                      Once you are in someone else's house, you cannot enforce much unless the husband is somewhat agreeable or understands it. Also, bear in mind for me to suddenly go into a home and change things will not be taken positively. And, yes, finance is a matter. I would hate to pressure him so soon into marriage unless I feel he is financially capable. Even then, I won't be able to. Barely a new bride. It is not decent.

                      Some families are more aware of privacy side of things and do get some house work done before receiving the bride (separate bathroom, living if possible). But the way houses are in the UK, it is difficult to have ensuites etc due to space issues, so a whole family shares one. May be someone married on forum will be able to give a better idea. I just gathered stuff from other married people.

                      So I am not sure of the all the needs of a newly wed. There are things one will only pick up on after marriage.

                      I do not keep much expectations because that will make matters worse. Whoever the brother is, I will probably ask my family to let it be known to him that his brothers are non-mahram to me and I would want to see what he feels is ideal for his wife taking into account what changes will be plausible around their house. If I feel he has not covered sufficient ground, then I will suggest.

                      Obviously, I would not marry someone unless I felt he was suitable to be a good husband. I may just leave it to him unless there are any 'alarming' issues. It also depends on his expectations. If he is okay to see a plain wife everyday, then fine. (lol)
                      Ramadan Ummah Project 2015 in shaa Allah
                      http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthrea...h-Project-2015
                      Let's learn and live Islam together. Ameen.
                      ----------------------- ------------------------
                      My Lord! bestow on them thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood [17:24]

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

                        Originally posted by Charmbracelet0 View Post
                        Definately a separate bathroom. I don't think I'd be comfortable with people going into my bedroom either.
                        Agreed! Would dinner with the whole family inc non-mehrams around a table be out of the question? I guess for a guy it's difficult to see why his wife would be uncomfortable around the people that he loves the most. I guess it would be extremely important that everybody was modestly dressed and definitely no pervy stares!
                        God has created Angels with reason but having no desires; animals with desires but no reason and man with both reason and desires. Therefore, if one’s reason is stronger than his desires, he is like an Angel,
                        while if his desires are stronger than his reason, he is like an animal.

                        - Ibn Al-Qayyim


                        وَاسْتَعِينُوا بِالصَّبْرِ وَالصَّلَاةِ

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

                          Originally posted by halfmydeen89 View Post
                          Agreed! Would dinner with the whole family inc non-mehrams around a table be out of the question? I guess for a guy it's difficult to see why his wife would be uncomfortable around the people that he loves the most. I guess it would be important that everybody was modestly dressed and definitely no pervy stares!
                          Brother, my husband's brother is same as a stranger on the street in the sense that I have to be mindful of what I am wearing or even how I am talking.

                          Actually, let me give you this:

                          The Prophet SAW said: "Beware of entering upon women." One of the Sahaabah said to him, "O Messenger of Allaah, what about the brother-in-law?" He said: "The brother-in-law is death!" (Reported by al-Bukhaari, Fath al-Baari, 9/330).


                          I am not saying his brother will have ill thoughts but I need to be mindful. On top of that, as a new bride, you get that extra focus from the whole family which can be a bit 'embarrassing'. (I hope you get what I mean)

                          My father-in-law is my mahram. So, I can relax a bit but still out of respect, I will have to be mindful. The fact that I am used hijab, it may take some time getting used to the idea that he is my mahram like my dad.
                          Ramadan Ummah Project 2015 in shaa Allah
                          http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthrea...h-Project-2015
                          Let's learn and live Islam together. Ameen.
                          ----------------------- ------------------------
                          My Lord! bestow on them thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood [17:24]

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

                            I am quite flexible however I like the idea of having a separate portion, that is bedroom living room kitchen bath. I do believe it's necessary for the newlywed to have space to themselves even if libing in the same house unless financially impossible.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Question to sisters (from a brother)

                              Originally posted by halfmydeen89 View Post
                              Agreed! Would dinner with the whole family inc non-mehrams around a table be out of the question? I guess for a guy it's difficult to see why his wife would be uncomfortable around the people that he loves the most. I guess it would be extremely important that everybody was modestly dressed and definitely no pervy stares!
                              Again it depends on the girl. I'm assuming there would be regular meals with family anyway after marriage if you're all getting to know each other? I'm sorry I wouldn't be able to answer that brother, if she's chosen to be with you I'm sure she'd feel safe around you.

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