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  • Changing a girl after marriage

    :salams

    As Muslims we are all at different levels and a person may excel in one area but be deficient in another. For example someone may be strong in their salah praying tahajjud and other optional prayers regularly but they listen to music.

    Now if you are in talks with a girl and discovers these weaknesses, do you think it is possible to change the person after marriage?

    By 'weaknesses' I do not mean something at the level like she does not pray or is involved in zina or premarital relations. By 'weaknesses' I mean:
    - listening to music
    - posting photos of herself online on things like Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Instagram etc.
    - incorrect hijab (e.g. wearing fitted or even tight trousers)
    - wearing makeup in public
    - relaxed with male non-mahram relatives
    - smoking shisha
    - etc.

    If a girl has a trait like this, what do you think of marrying her to change her afterwards?

    If a woman falls in her love with her husband, is she likely to follow her husband's lead and example and thus change?

    Also does age come into play and is it easier to change a younger girl to an older one. For example, is an 18 year old girl more 'malleable' than a 26 year old girl who is now more matured and set in her ways?

    :jkk:

  • #2
    Re: Changing a girl after marriage

    Nobody can change anybody. You can help them, guide them, advise them but the ultimate decision is their own. Admittedly, the things you have mentioned aren't good traits but there's no guarantee she will give them up for a husband. You can forbid her once you are married to her but if she doesn't see the good in it, it'll just affect the marriage.

    As for the age thing, some teenagers tend to be more rebellious than those in their 20s.
    Mrs B

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    • #3
      Re: Changing a girl after marriage

      Don't marry someone to change them, if it doesn't work out then it'll be pain to deal with. At times you have to accept the good with the bad, if you think the girl is good, but has a few problems then thats a question you have to ask yourself if your welling to compromise that for her. This doesn't mean people don't change I know people who watched movies, listen to music, etc and after a few years in marriage they stopped or cut down on it. When your married you have a lot more responsibilities and if the guy is still living with his parents most girls probably wouldn't be listening to music or watching movies etc.

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      • #4
        Re: Changing a girl after marriage

        People don't change for others necessarily; it comes within themselves. So whether you get a 18 year old or a 26 year old, neither is more "malleable" than the other.

        Those are traits she'll have to change for herself, not because you married her. There is a chance she could change under influence, but that's not a risk someone should take.
        www.treasureofthescholars.wordpress.com

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        • #5
          Re: Changing a girl after marriage

          Nope. People rarely change.

          Age has little to do with this, if anything I find the younger teenage girls more stubborn and set in their ways.

          Sometimes people accept others with one or two flaws that they hope would change after marriage. It's a small risk they take.

          You however, have a long list of issues.

          The question you need to ask yourself is, would you still be happy with your partner if they didn't change any of the things listed above
          https://sufisticated101.wordpress.com

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          • #6
            Re: Changing a girl after marriage

            No it's not possible to change anyone. Maybe you can, but most likely it will not be possible and can cause problems later, especially if related to core issues, like hijab and prayer. If she prays and does all the obligatory duties, then it's possible she'll follow the husband's lead in other things, like tahajjud. But you can ask her whether she has an interest in superogatory deeds or not.

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            • #7
              Re: Changing a girl after marriage

              Why go to all that effort if there are people without those problems?

              I wouldn't bank on any potential change because there is no guarantee and it can go drastically wrong.

              Also, if she changes because of her love for her husband and not because of her love for Allah, if the husband is no longer around then what will happen? Kids are a serious responsibility and this will be the woman who is raising them.

              It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
              Last edited by Muslimah~S; 14-02-15, 08:33 PM.

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              • #8
                Re: Changing a girl after marriage

                No...if you do not have years of patience do not marry her unless she agree prior to marriage...do not ever think you can change a person who do not see anything wrong,,
                Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

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                • #9
                  Re: Changing a girl after marriage

                  :wswrwb:

                  She may change, but then comes the who did she change for - you or Allah?

                  That aside, as many others have said it's a risk marrying someone in the hope that they will change - no one is perfect and everyone has faults but the one's you've listed aren't minuscule tbh they will have an impact on the environment you live in, your future children, and perhaps you as a person as well.
                  My Lord sanctify my flawed heart
                  As You have sanctified Your house,
                  Make my heart as protected and as honoured
                  In which permission of entry
                  Is only granted to a few,
                  Please Allah, allow my heart
                  To be preserved only for You.



                  ---


                  It hurts, to watch you leave so soon,
                  when I don't know, if I will ever see you again
                  In Jannah, we will meet :love:


                  If I have ever offended, hurt or insulted you, forgive me for the sake of Allah سبحانه وتعالى‎

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                  • #10
                    Re: Changing a girl after marriage

                    Why would you want to marry someone that you want to change?
                    مَّن ذَا الَّذِي يُقْرِضُ اللّهَ قَرْضًا حَسَنًا فَيُضَاعِفَهُ لَهُ أَضْعَافًا كَثِيرَةً وَاللّهُ يَقْبِضُ وَيَبْسُطُ وَإِلَيْهِ تُرْجَعُونَ

                    "Who is he that will loan to Allah a beautiful loan, which Allah will double unto his credit and multiply many times?
                    It is Allah that giveth (you) Want or plenty, and to Him shall be your return."
                    Surah al-Baqarah
                    [2:245]

                    .:.
                    .:. Perfer et Obdura : Dolor Hic Tibi Proderit Olim .:.
                    Be patient and strong : someday this pain will be useful to you

                    .:.
                    ...said the spider to the fly...

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                    • #11
                      Re: Changing a girl after marriage

                      Have you talked to her about changing some of those things, is she receptive to the idea? Ultimately it's up to you if you want to take the risk.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Changing a girl after marriage

                        Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
                        Why would you want to marry someone that you want to change?
                        We all do either explicitly or implicitly at some point.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Changing a girl after marriage

                          If a person isn't willing to change now- for the sake of Allah and themselves then I highly doubt they would change for their spouse. I wouldn't even want someone who is willing to change for me but not Allah's sake. Doesn't seem right. Also, you can't change a person
                          "Why Do We Fill Our Hearts With Everything But Allah And Expect Not To Fall Apart"

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Changing a girl after marriage

                            Originally posted by Khalid b. Walid View Post
                            :salams

                            As Muslims we are all at different levels and a person may excel in one area but be deficient in another. For example someone may be strong in their salah praying tahajjud and other optional prayers regularly but they listen to music.

                            Now if you are in talks with a girl and discovers these weaknesses, do you think it is possible to change the person after marriage?

                            By 'weaknesses' I do not mean something at the level like she does not pray or is involved in zina or premarital relations. By 'weaknesses' I mean:
                            - listening to music
                            - posting photos of herself online on things like Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Instagram etc.
                            - incorrect hijab (e.g. wearing fitted or even tight trousers)
                            - wearing makeup in public
                            - relaxed with male non-mahram relatives
                            - smoking shisha
                            - etc.

                            If a girl has a trait like this, what do you think of marrying her to change her afterwards?

                            If a woman falls in her love with her husband, is she likely to follow her husband's lead and example and thus change?

                            Also does age come into play and is it easier to change a younger girl to an older one. For example, is an 18 year old girl more 'malleable' than a 26 year old girl who is now more matured and set in her ways?

                            :jkk:
                            :wswrwb:

                            Firstly, you have asked this question in the wrong way, ie 'change a girl after marriage.' What you should have asked in a more appropriate way would have been 'Are there ways to help people make change after marriage' to remove the gender aspect and also to avoid the tone of coercion.

                            Secondly, the answers I have seen here are not satisfactory. Rather, most of them seem based on personal experience, or they do not answer the question itself.

                            Shaykh Taiqudeen Nabhani says "Man shapes his sulook (behavior) in this life according to his mafaheem (concepts) about it. So, man's mafaheem (concepts) about a person he likes shapes his sulook (behavior) toward him. This is in contrast with his behavior towards a person he dislikes and holds concepts of hatred. Also he will exhibit different behavior towards a person he does not know or hold any concepts about."

                            He then uses the verse "Allah does not change the circumstances of any people until they have changed themselves."

                            So to change a person, you must change their concepts by giving them thoughts that they should accept as true.

                            In layman's terms, this means people act based on what they believe and think, and you have to change how they think to change how they behave. To do this you yourself must have clear thoughts on the topics. For instance, issuing commands generally does not lead to changing thoughts, rather it leads to physical coercion which is just a restriction of behavior. Instead, the person has to communicate in an effective way to help the person understand why something is wrong, and to convince them it is wrong.

                            If a Muslim has yaqeen in the kitaab of Allah and the sunnah of the messenger peace be upon him, then to convey the evidence from this in a clear way that leaves no doubt in the person's mind should change their behavior. One can choose to reject truth, but the natural order of human beings is to accept that which is true.


                            So yes, in marriage either person can change, but that requires the person doing the changing to have the ability to help generate change. If the person does not understand what makes someone change, they are likely to fail.

                            So the question you should ask yourself is whether you have the understanding and ability to help generate change in other people or not.

                            I hope this helps.

                            And Allah knows best.
                            If you have any questions feel free to PM me!

                            Humililty, Sincerity, and the quest for Truth. There is no purpose in life but to seek the pleasure of Allah.
                            There is a possibility a female might use this account to read something!

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                            • #15
                              Re: Changing a girl after marriage

                              Originally posted by shazj View Post
                              Nobody can change anybody. You can help them, guide them, advise them but the ultimate decision is their own. Admittedly, the things you have mentioned aren't good traits but there's no guarantee she will give them up for a husband. You can forbid her once you are married to her but if she doesn't see the good in it, it'll just affect the marriage.

                              As for the age thing, some teenagers tend to be more rebellious than those in their 20s.
                              I agree to a certain extent - but do not agree with the first sentence.

                              I am a strong believer that you can change somebody - and especially if the laws of Allah are followed in your household.

                              Lets get this straight - we are not talking about a complete reformation - a actor turns alimah etc- I am talking about small tweaks that can fix a home.

                              I have read many times on this forum - that a person cannot change another etc - this for me is nonsense- and this is why the wisdom of the roles and responsibilites given to the husband and wife come into action.

                              I can give you an example of brothers marrying back home - where the women are bought up with good morals and manners anyway - but have the cultural inclination - both with hijaab and other islamic duties. You as a husband, the ameer of the home can easily change them - so they pray 5 times a day, they stop watching their dramas - that they do not gossip and backchat behind people.

                              Personally, would get her to delete things like facebook(yes, I know i come across as a mean person - but fb is 10% benefit/90 % waste) -
                              hijaab - you state - I want you to wear hijaab/niqaab whenever you leave home - they wont say no - you may need to do a bit pressuring but assure them its a good thing.


                              most of the examples is about how you operate your home - the mixing between different genders - the make up etc

                              Shisha - wat the flip - which parent gives their daughter that much freedom to go out and do shisha? - Why would you want to marry such a women?

                              I am 100% believer that a man can change his wife - its much easier if you were to get married back home - soley because when you bring here her - she has no one - so she will listen to what you say and what you want or do not want - they don't have that ' I will go back to my parents home' attitude.

                              But for sure akhi - you can change your wife inshAllah - small tweaks - and slowly - but surely.
                              Last edited by QMU; 14-02-15, 10:30 PM.

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