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  • A difficult decision...

    Background:

    Basically i have decided to make hijrah to a peaceful Muslim majority country and live there happily ever after (inshallah). I have cut down my expenses and have been
    saving my salary (which is minimum wage) so i can start a new life there by opening a business so i dont have to look for a job struggle as much (inshallah).

    Problem is i am not getting any younger and each passing year (each passing week now) it gets harder and harder to stay away from zina. I avoided it for years and years
    and stayed lonely rather than do it but now i am at a dead end, the fasting and lowering the gaze just dont work anymore, i fear that i will do zina if i dont get married.

    However here is the problem, i simply cannot afford a Muslim wife from UK, i cannot give her much money, or time, or a home, or children and she deserves all these things
    and besides i want to marry a Muslima from the country i will reside in because she will help me over there to settle into my new community and there are hardly any sisters in
    UK from the country i want to migrate too.

    Based on my calculations i have 30% of the money i need, and to get the remaining 60% i need to work flat out and save for approx 18 months.

    So i have decided to take a wife from Christian community, knowing that it is most likely that after 18 months when i make hijrah the marriage will likely be disolved or end in divorce,
    it is unlikely that she will accompany me to live a a second wife so it is likely to be a divorce.

    Summary of Reasons...

    1. Eventual Hijrah (actually inevitable Hijrah)
    2. Not desiring children to grow up in Dar al Kufr / non-Muslim country
    3. Cheaper, Easier and more simple ceremony etc
    4. Not doing Zina
    5. Not breaking heart of a Muslimah when it comes to Hijrah time
    6. Intent to marry a Muslima in a Muslim country and live and die there.

    It is still a hard choice, but i have thought everything out and i dont have a lot of choice at the moment. What else can i say, life does not always go to plan.
    Last edited by khavar; 23-12-14, 06:21 PM.

  • #2
    Re: A difficult decision...

    Are you trying to say that you can't find a single sister from the UK who will be okay with whatever you can provide, and hijrah and that is why you have decided to marry a kitaabiya?

    Have you exhausted all the possible options?

    I do think some sisters would love the idea of hijra.

    Comment


    • #3
      A difficult decision...

      re you saying you want to marry a christian with an intention to divorce her and only marry to have sex? thats just selfish...

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: A difficult decision...

        Thats really missed up! Don't do such a thing to someone no matter muslim or kaffir. Don't marry them just to have sex then divorce. Either wait or marry someone with the right intentions.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: A difficult decision...

          Marrying with the intention of getting divorced is haraam, and it may be either invalid in and of itself like mut’ah, or haraam because of the deceit and betrayal involved.
          If the woman or her guardian would know about that, they would not agree to this marriage contract.
          So please akhi have sabr and don't make this big big big mistake!

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: A difficult decision...

            Well i have been self-less for a long time, almsot a decade, its not as if i am planning to force anyone to do anything,
            its just a mutual relationship with the understanding that i might not be around forever, if she wants to come along and
            be a second wife then fine but knowing what i know most likely we will agree to go our seperate ways.

            Allah (swt) dislikes divorce i know, but also zina so its not like have loads of options.

            Sometimes in life things dont go as you planned, and you have to make hard choices.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: A difficult decision...

              Originally posted by khavar View Post
              Background:

              Basically i have decided to make hijrah to a peaceful Muslim majority country and live there happily ever after (inshallah). I have cut down my expenses and have been
              saving my salary (which is minimum wage) so i can start a new life there by opening a business so i dont have to look for a job struggle as much (inshallah).

              Problem is i am not getting any younger and each passing year (each passing week now) it gets harder and harder to stay away from zina. I avoided it for years and years
              and stayed lonely rather than do it but now i am at a dead end, the fasting and lowering the gaze just dont work anymore, i fear that i will do zina if i dont get married.

              However here is the problem, i simply cannot afford a Muslim wife from UK, i cannot give her much money, or time, or a home, or children and she deserves all these things
              and besides i want to marry a Muslima from the country i will reside in because she will help me over there to settle into my new community and there are hardly any sisters in
              UK from the country i want to migrate too.

              Based on my calculations i have 30% of the money i need, and to get the remaining 60% i need to work flat out and save for approx 18 months.

              So i have decided to take a wife from Christian community, knowing that it is most likely that after 18 months when i make hijrah the marriage will likely be disolved or end in divorce,
              it is unlikely that she will accompany me to live a a second wife so it is likely to be a divorce.

              Summary of Reasons...

              1. Eventual Hijrah (actually inevitable Hijrah)
              2. Not desiring children to grow up in Dar al Kufr / non-Muslim country
              3. Cheaper, Easier and more simple ceremony etc
              4. Not doing Zina
              5. Not breaking heart of a Muslimah when it comes to Hijrah time
              6. Intent to marry a Muslima in a Muslim country and live and die there.

              It is still a hard choice, but i have thought everything out and i dont have a lot of choice at the moment. What else can i say, life does not always go to plan.

              OK firstly, where are you going to find this chaste practising woman from people of the book?
              She can't just be any kaffir woman you know....has to be a practising jew or christian and has to be chaste...so no promiscuity, boyfriends, premarital relations. There are women like this, typically devout catholics, copts, eastern orthodox, but 1. do you know any? 2. These people will very rarely marry a muslim. I don't know of a single marriage where a practising chaste christian or jewish woman married a muslim....I know of muslim men who have married some random kaffir woman who nominally says she is culturally christian but is defo not 'chaste' (they were usually boyfriends and girlfriends beforehand).

              You have more luck finding a muslim woman who will take you and your prospects.

              Secondly, your wife has rights over you (financial, children, etc.) - dont think it matters if she is ahl kitab or muslim. So if you cant support a muslim wife, you wont be able to support a non muslim.

              Re dissolving the marriage: not sure how valid marriage with the intention of divorce is - .ask a scholar.

              What happens if you have children? Despite the best contraceptive methods out there...nothing is definite.

              How about the feelings of the non muslim woman you will marry? Your wife? Will she be aware that you intend to divorce and leave her after a certain time (if this is you intention then not sure about the validity of such a marriage)? Or do you intend to deceive her and not let her know? (which is unjust and unworthy of a muslim).

              I'm going to be realistic: perhaps you are right that a muslim woman in the west who has good prospects and life here would not want to marry you, but there are women who will. Not everyone has the same expectations and wants in life. You said you are on minimun wage. Girls who have grown up in families on min wage would be more open to this. There are divorcees, widows, and more mature women who might be more open to you and your goals.

              Alhamdulillah it is good that you have a plan of what you want to do with your life, etc. but maybe you can get married right now as well? Yes the first few years might be tough, and it might take longer than 18 months to reach your goal, but you'll have a partner to help you.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: A difficult decision...

                Originally posted by khavar View Post
                Background:

                Basically i have decided to make hijrah to a peaceful Muslim majority country and live there happily ever after (inshallah). I have cut down my expenses and have been
                saving my salary (which is minimum wage) so i can start a new life there by opening a business so i dont have to look for a job struggle as much (inshallah).

                Problem is i am not getting any younger and each passing year (each passing week now) it gets harder and harder to stay away from zina. I avoided it for years and years
                and stayed lonely rather than do it but now i am at a dead end, the fasting and lowering the gaze just dont work anymore, i fear that i will do zina if i dont get married.

                However here is the problem, i simply cannot afford a Muslim wife from UK, i cannot give her much money, or time, or a home, or children and she deserves all these things
                and besides i want to marry a Muslima from the country i will reside in because she will help me over there to settle into my new community and there are hardly any sisters in
                UK from the country i want to migrate too.

                Based on my calculations i have 30% of the money i need, and to get the remaining 60% i need to work flat out and save for approx 18 months.

                So i have decided to take a wife from Christian community, knowing that it is most likely that after 18 months when i make hijrah the marriage will likely be disolved or end in divorce,
                it is unlikely that she will accompany me to live a a second wife so it is likely to be a divorce.

                Summary of Reasons...

                1. Eventual Hijrah (actually inevitable Hijrah)
                2. Not desiring children to grow up in Dar al Kufr / non-Muslim country
                3. Cheaper, Easier and more simple ceremony etc
                4. Not doing Zina
                5. Not breaking heart of a Muslimah when it comes to Hijrah time
                6. Intent to marry a Muslima in a Muslim country and live and die there.

                It is still a hard choice, but i have thought everything out and i dont have a lot of choice at the moment. What else can i say, life does not always go to plan.
                Have you already started looking?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: A difficult decision...

                  Originally posted by ghareebaa View Post
                  Marrying with the intention of getting divorced is haraam, and it may be either invalid in and of itself like mut’ah, or haraam because of the deceit and betrayal involved.
                  If the woman or her guardian would know about that, they would not agree to this marriage contract.
                  So please akhi have sabr and don't make this big big big mistake!
                  There is a difference of opinion among the Ulema if you can marry with intent to divorce later, so its 50/50 not totally disallowed.

                  Either case i do not have "intention of divorce" i just see it as a likely possibility.

                  I will not stipulate a fixed period (i.e. 1 month, 6 month, 18 months) during Nikah so it cannot be Muta/Temporary marriage.

                  There is no deceit, there is no betrayal, the woman will know my circumstances and intention to go abroad - she will have over 12 months
                  to decide what she wants to do.

                  Sorry to state the obvious, but outside of very pious Islamic circles, majority of women marry because of companionship and Mahr (wealth) they gain, and
                  majority of men marry for companionship and physical side of a relationship. That is the way human relationships have gone on for 1000's of years, and i
                  dont think it will chang any time soon.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: A difficult decision...

                    Yeah I see.
                    Well, good luck

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: A difficult decision...

                      Originally posted by Sabros View Post
                      OK firstly, where are you going to find this chaste practising woman from people of the book?
                      She can't just be any kaffir woman you know....has to be a practising jew or christian and has to be chaste...so no promiscuity, boyfriends, premarital relations. There are women like this, typically devout catholics, copts, eastern orthodox, but 1. do you know any? 2. These people will very rarely marry a muslim. I don't know of a single marriage where a practising chaste christian or jewish woman married a muslim....I know of muslim men who have married some random kaffir woman who nominally says she is culturally christian but is defo not 'chaste' (they were usually boyfriends and girlfriends beforehand).
                      This is a valid criticism and i have thought about it, but at the end of the day there are two reasons i have to compromise here.

                      The first is that "chaste" cannot be measured. You cannot measure things like taqwa, imaan etc. You could marry a man/woman from a good family
                      and they turn out to be a total shaytaan later in life, even some of the Prophets (pbut) were married to women who turned out to be evil, like the wives of
                      Nuh and Lut if i remember right.

                      Also even if i marry a average cultural Muslim that grew up in the West many of them are not much different from non-muslims i regret to say. There are muslims
                      who go clubbing, go drinking, wear immodest clothes etc

                      So i am working with limited options. In a ideal world, i would have been born in the land i wish to migrate too, and i would have a wife and 3 kids by now probably but
                      as i said earlier we are not living in a ideal world.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: A difficult decision...

                        Originally posted by Sabros View Post
                        OK firstly, where are you going to find this chaste practising woman from people of the book?
                        She can't just be any kaffir woman you know....has to be a practising jew or christian and has to be chaste...so no promiscuity, boyfriends, premarital relations.
                        What are you basing this on? That she can not have had any boyfriends?

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: A difficult decision...

                          Originally posted by Hadid View Post
                          What are you basing this on? That she can not have had any boyfriends?
                          Basing it on Quranic ayat, and tafsir ibn qathir...

                          http://www.qtafsir.com/index.php?opt...=817&Itemid=60

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: A difficult decision...

                            Originally posted by Hadid View Post
                            What are you basing this on? That she can not have had any boyfriends?
                            I am not sure I understand your question.

                            "Made lawful for you this day are At-Tayyibat (all kinds of lawful foods, which Allah has made lawful. The food (slaughter cattle etc.) of the people of the scripture (Jews and Christians) is lawful to you and yours is lawful to them. (Lawful to you in marriage) are chaste women from the believers and chaste women from those who were given the scripture (Jews & Christians) before your time." 5:5 Quran

                            The whole chastity thing is complicated anyway imo. But unless someone has repented sincerely, then yes having boyfriends, promiscuous behaviour, etc these things are surely not considered chaste behaviour?

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: A difficult decision...

                              Originally posted by Sabros View Post
                              I am not sure I understand your question.

                              "Made lawful for you this day are At-Tayyibat (all kinds of lawful foods, which Allah has made lawful. The food (slaughter cattle etc.) of the people of the scripture (Jews and Christians) is lawful to you and yours is lawful to them. (Lawful to you in marriage) are chaste women from the believers and chaste women from those who were given the scripture (Jews & Christians) before your time." 5:5 Quran

                              The whole chastity thing is complicated anyway imo. But unless someone has repented sincerely, then yes having boyfriends, promiscuous behaviour, etc these things are surely not considered chaste behaviour?
                              So a christian woman can repent and it will be accepted?

                              The bolded part is what I was asking.

                              Comment

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