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  • Re: khula whilst 5 months pregnant with three children.

    Originally posted by cho09082489 View Post
    sorry OP dont mind me

    my comment is mostly motivated by things i hear of outside this forum as well as other stories rather than just your own

    i only put it there in the hope that people will actually defend their wives from oppression rather than think it's ok because their mother is doing it, this lady is under your protection so do your job and dont be useless or complicit (same the other way round if a mother in law is being oppressed)
    It is actually the husband that allows this oppressive situation to happen in most cases. As far as im aware
    Last edited by candyapple; 11-12-14, 01:24 AM.
    "If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor."

    "Nothing protects the rights of the minority like the tyranny of the majority"

    Comment


    • Re: khula whilst 5 months pregnant with three children.

      Originally posted by candyapple View Post
      Lets hope you're right in this one its upsetting thinking that every desi MIL thinks like this.

      and may Allah bless you with a decent mum in law, ameen :)
      I know of some lovely mother in laws

      My own ex mother in law was lovely.

      My sisters have very nice mother in laws that just get on with it, don't bother my sisters at all Alhamdulillah.

      My friends Havr nice mother in laws as well

      The baddies I have heard off are usually the ones whose sons are weak willed and take theor mothers side regardless of whose at fault

      Like candy apple I honestly believe that it does fall down to the husband and how he deals with matters and also sometimes the role of the girls parents. Like all us sisters know that if we misbehave with in laws trust me, our parents would not take out side just coz we are their daughters. If we need a good telling off we will get one.
      I think some girls do wjay they want knowing that parents will tolerate theor bad behavuour and some mother in laws do what they want knowing that their sons and husband will tolerate it.
      Ibnul Qayyim رحمه الله said: "Don’t ruin your happiness with worry, and don’t ruin your mind with pessimism. Don’t ruin your success with deception and don’t ruin the optimism of others by destroying it. Don’t ruin your day by looking back at yesterday.
      __________________________________________________ _____________________________
      If you think about your situation, you will find that Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) has given you things without asking, so have trust in Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) that He doesn’t prevent anything you want except there is goodness for you.

      You could be sleeping and the doors of the heavens are being opened with dua’as being made on your behalf, SubhanAllaah: perhaps from someone poor whom you helped, or someone sad whom you brought joy, or someone passing by and you smiled at him, or someone in distress and you removed it.. so don’t ever underestimate any good deeds."



      please donate to the Ummah forum sadaqa jariya project. Click on the link for for more information, and to make a donation- https://www.justgiving.com/sadaqah-jariyah-project/

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      • Re: khula whilst 5 months pregnant with three children.

        Originally posted by candyapple View Post
        Lets hope you're right in this one its upsetting thinking that every desi MIL thinks like this.

        and may Allah bless you with a decent mum in law, ameen :)
        Oh no sis...am married Alhamdulillah.My mil died years before marriage...one of the reason i chose this proposal ;)...My mother says those girls who get no mil...their husbands or fil are like mil :D ....
        ".......He giveth and spendeth (of His bounty) as He pleaseth. But the revelation that cometh to thee from Allah increaseth in most of them (kuffar) their obstinate rebellion and blasphemy.Amongst them we have placed enmity and hatred till the Day of Judgment. Every time they kindle the fire of war, Allah doth extinguish it;but they (ever) strive to do mischief on earth. And Allah loveth not those who do mischief."(5:64)

        Comment


        • Re: khula whilst 5 months pregnant with three children.

          Sister divorce should be the last option. If you can't stay in the house then you should consider separation before divorce. From what I understand you are in the UK. We have welfare system that will support you if you decide to leave your home both in terms of money and housing. I idyls suggest you go to your local council office and discuss the matter with them if you cannot solve it with your husband. They provide support for women and children in abusive relationships but you must be totally honest about your relationship. I would advise this if you feel your situation is intolerable.

          Comment


          • Re: khula whilst 5 months pregnant with three children.

            Originally posted by Ikki View Post
            I said it was ethically dubious advice. I was talking from life experience of getting mother in law off ones back, never said it was in quran and sunnah.

            But I'm not sure what you problem is with this part:

            I stand by this part, if your mil is out to nail you, don't give her any ammunition. Better to not react than to say or do something that can be used against you.
            You have no right to give Dubious Immoral Advice,

            Fear Allah, and abstain from such behaviour.

            :jkk:
            http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

            "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

            – Imam al-Shafi’i (Rahimahullah)

            Comment


            • Re: khula whilst 5 months pregnant with three children.

              Originally posted by cho09082489 View Post
              why are there so many disgusting mother in laws?

              why are there so many men that allow their wives to be oppressed like cowards?
              the same reason there are so many "Disgusting Husbands & Wives"

              abstain from making such gross generalisations.

              Nauzubillah min zaliq

              :jkk:
              http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

              "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

              – Imam al-Shafi’i (Rahimahullah)

              Comment


              • Re: khula whilst 5 months pregnant with three children.

                Originally posted by Saif-Uddin View Post
                the same reason there are so many "Disgusting Husbands & Wives"

                abstain from making such gross generalisations.

                Nauzubillah min zaliq

                :jkk:
                where? a generalisation would be to say all mother in laws were disgusting. that is what i didnt say.

                it's not the same reason either. it appears to have some relation to a certain culture since more women from these cultures complain of oppression from mother in laws.


                Comment


                • Re: khula whilst 5 months pregnant with three children.

                  Originally posted by cho09082489 View Post
                  where? a generalisation would be to say all mother in laws were disgusting. that is what i didnt say.

                  it's not the same reason either. it appears to have some relation to a certain culture since more women from these cultures complain of oppression from mother in laws.


                  You implied that there is an abundance of "Disgusting Mother in Laws"

                  blatant generalisation,
                  http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

                  "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

                  – Imam al-Shafi’i (Rahimahullah)

                  Comment


                  • Re: khula whilst 5 months pregnant with three children.

                    Originally posted by Saif-Uddin View Post
                    You implied that there is an abundance of "Disgusting Mother in Laws"

                    blatant generalisation,
                    There is, that isn't a generalisation.

                    I didn't imply it, I said it clearly
                    Last edited by cho09082489; 16-12-14, 12:46 AM.

                    Comment


                    • Re: khula whilst 5 months pregnant with three children.

                      Originally posted by babyibrahim View Post
                      This is to all members who have advised me, I just want to say jazak Allahu Khairun for all your support and advice
                      Sorry for quoting just one member but I cannot seem to reply regularly? New to this

                      After taking all advise into consideration I realise that I was thinking it will be easier than it actually is, it will be tough and taking the kids through that is something I wouldn't want

                      I know my hubby loves me but I have lost the love back for him due to him being inconsiderate towards me, I understand it's in his culture but again I cannot let his beliefs against female rights break me and more importantly my kids home

                      Also someone said that not to cook daily etc, it's a known rule in this house that if I want to stay in one piece then I have to make sure I accommodate his mother and knowing that she obviously has the upper hand and therefore takes her share of advantage

                      When my hubby is out she doesn't help one ounce, but even with kids, I often have to cook whilst holding my baby as he is very fussy, if I put him down then she carries him and gives him to me, I get the message that in not allowed to put him down, anyway as soon as hubby gets home, she zooms around showing him how much effort she has put in whilst ill, I never see her move so fast when he's at home, so I agree with the person that sometimes playing tricks maybe a good idea, however I don't think I am confident enough to do so.

                      Also just found out that he is planning to try for his brothers visa which was previously refused

                      Anyway I have to put this aside, I really won't be able to cope financially with 4 kids

                      Kind of trapped now, also sorry to those who have pm me, I'm new to this and cannot reply on phone, will do so via laptop tomorrow x
                      salaam sis...not really able to advice much except that i think its best you stay and try to get along with him and his family. my mum had issues with my dad and his siblings years ago.. his parents were long dead before they married anyway..so the best thing she ever did was be quiet and ignore them eventually they just started to accept and respect her... shes beautiful so a lot of their wives were jealous and often caused her issues but she over came that and now dads here with us, and his siblings are rather distant and not too close. be strong sis...this is a test from Allah and you must be patient for the sake and safety of your children cause only he can protect them... a dad is very important in children's lives..never separate them from each other even if you divorce.. he must have access.
                      try to sit with his mum and be extra nice.. for example.. i would wake up every morning and make her tea, then try to hug her often...make her feel shes loved by you and that you appreciate her..then you can try talking..let her open up to you..trust you ect earn her love and you will see the difference..she will automatically show kindness and love in return. also when shes praying, go next her and pray together...keep the bond solid.. smile and only speak the kindest words.
                      dont complain sis.. face your test and be grateful..could of been worst. your not trapped...your blessed with a husband who loves his family..loves you too and wants you all gathered together.. always seek the best in people and surely the best is what you will receive.
                      I love you, cherish you and worship you,
                      Guide me on your path to your janna,
                      Unite me beside you My King and all mighty,


                      :love:Allah:love:

                      Comment


                      • Re: khula whilst 5 months pregnant with three children.

                        Sister you are going to find people this thread who will tell you to go through with thr Khula and those who say don't even think about divorce. You are the one who lives with him day in and day out. You know how much you can take and what are your limits. No one has to put up with their in laws and don't keep quite about their awful behavior.

                        I think you need to examine a couple of factors here. If you do get a divorce are you able to find work and provide for them with stable housing? Is it possible your husband can change his behavior or is he stubborn man? Are your children affected by the atmosphere in the house or do n they not notice?

                        Something that you said alarmed. You said he thinks it is ok to beat women? Where is he getting such ideas from? This is not from Islam.

                        I think you should get a knowledgeable imam involved ASAP. Preferably a non Jahil one who doesn't gives fatwas based on culture and not Islam.
                        Last edited by sis_niqabi; 16-12-14, 01:15 PM.
                        Say, O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.”
                        (Surah Az Zumar, (Chapter 39: Verse 53)

                        Comment


                        • Re: khula whilst 5 months pregnant with three children.

                          Salam everyone who posted on this thread.

                          Just thought I should update the current situation.

                          Lately there has been a lot going on, in terms of trouble as a couple and not including MIL.

                          we have been fighting a lot and I have come to the decision that I would rather be changing bedsits for a few years until I become stable in terms of finance rather than sticking to someone like glue who doesnt deserve me or my children.

                          He has been hiding a lot lately but Alhumdulilah I have been finding out everything, he has been recieving a lot of presents but hiding them, coming late often, going for long trips with a female colleague for 'work matters' but in one car, she could easily drive there herself rather than going along with him? etc etc etc could go on...

                          anyway, so last night i confronted him on these matters and his answer was for me to talk to a wall since i only know how to talk 'rubbish'. anything i have to say always is apparently rubbish.
                          So when i asked for khula he punched me hard on my arm and bruised me enough that i couldnt move it throughout the night when dealing with youngest.

                          anyway then i literally begged him for khula as he was previously very willing to release me but he changed his decision last night. he said he will only divorce me if i can sign a paper saying that the children are his. that is one thing i will never be willing to do.

                          Finally, at the end he didnt divorce me, i kept my patience with him and now we have officially separated. We will be living under normal conditions (same house, he works, i cook etc) for three months, during this time we will not be husband and wife, just housemates. after this period he will either divorce me or if things are better then we will not divorce

                          if we do divorce however, i will be living with him until i deliver my child, by which time i will In Sha Allah be able to arrange accomodation. after this i will leave

                          please remember me in your duas

                          Comment


                          • Re: khula whilst 5 months pregnant with three children.

                            also forgot to add, someone on this forum recommended i speak to a scholar from this forum, i PM'ed him a while ago but have heard nothing back.

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