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  • khula whilst 5 months pregnant with three children.

    Salam to Everyone.

    I am having a lot of problems in my marriage and I would like to seek Khula.
    I have spoken to my husband regarding this but he is happy within the marriage and therefore just ignores me on these matters, he keeps telling me to stop wasting my time and use my focus elsewhere however this is a very important issue to me and I feel I need to resolve the matters.
    Also, I have three children (6,4 and 1) and am currently 5 months pregnant with my fourth Alhumdulilah.

    I am also seeking advice on here as my husband will not permit me to go to a masjid and speak to a Mulla or someone equivalent.

    The main issue regarding why I desperately want khula is because of my husband's changes in words. I feel I am unable to trust him to carry out certain matters which he explains he will do.

    When I had my second child Alhumdulilah, my in laws both came down so they can take care of the eldest whilst I was in hospital (they live in Pakistan and we live in the UK), it was extremely difficult due to many reasons, one being that I was not allowed to recover after coming back from hospital. At the time, I didnt mind much and thought I will just get on with it, anyway I was continuously working, (cleaning bathroom the same day I delivered etc) and still cleaning straight after birth. I realised how much my bones would hurt only after they left and how much I had damaged my body. Anyway so we planned later on that its a good time to have our final child.

    Because my mother in law hates my cooking and criticises everything from how i raise my kids to how i clean the kitchen etc, and the fact that she goes on about how she worked hard throughout all her deliveries so why cant women do the same now, I asked my husband very politely if he would please not ask his parents to come around this time as it was very difficult.
    He agreed, however as soon as I turned pregnant his words changed and he could no longer 'remember' saying that to me.
    I ignored the matter and allowed them to come,

    This time matters were worse, I went into false labour twice, I was up early every morning and was not given a chance to sit for even a minute (believe me its true) from 7am until 11pm until lunch was freshly cooked then she would expect me to make roti. We had her relatives around so I was cooking and cleaning for them a few weeks before my baby was due, it was the hardest time of my life, then she would moan for me to make dinner ready whilst they were out sightseeing and to make sure house is clean and when they came back one day my mother in law asked if the roti is ready, i said no as I was clearly not thinking straight and she decided to have a go at me. However the roti was made before they reached and she still kept going.

    I ignored everything and my husband appreciated me but when i would tell him I cannot take it then he would have a go at me and say me to have patience, he never said a single thing to his mother as she is always right in his eyes. despite me working this hard, she would tell everyone that she could have a better daughter in law than me as she wanted a pakistani daughter in law. I know this is the reason why she treats me bad.

    Anyway, i fell pregnant again with my fourth child, I was depressed as I know my husband well, however he said to me 'i will ask mum not to come during the delivery as she makes it hard for you'. few months down the line and she has already moved in with us, she is planning to stay for three months, then go back in april and come back the same month for delivery etc then go canada to her daughter's house for a while and then come back to live with me.
    she and my husband are making plans of living together permanently but apparently i have no say in this matter.
    she has two other sons who are of marriage age but she has left them alone is pakistan so she can relax in my house, she has already told me that she cannot help me with my delivery as she has diabetes however she will be here to see the newborn.
    As far as I am concerned I am willing to leave my husband if it means I can relax after birth. He is just not worth it.

    Overall we have a great relationship Alhumdulilah but there are just some sacrifices I cannot make.

    I apologise for the length of this, I have so much more to say (like the way she treats me or calls me stupid etc but its going to go on forever)

    Please can anyone advise me on my situation.
    I am unaware of what to do considering I have no access to a qualified muslim who can give me my khula and I also have no family to support me. I am in a position where i struggle every single day with someone following my every footstep (even when im putting baby to sleep upstairs she opens the door to check what i am doing)
    I just cannot take it and my husband just will not understand me, he thinks im wrong as i have no patience but he has to realise that i will not give up my life for him.
    i am not willing to move in with his parents and to him they are more important than i am, also i do not want to spend my life with such a man who keeps breaking his word.

    Please do advise me and may Allah SWT halp us all.


    Many thanks in advance

  • #2
    Re: khula whilst 5 months pregnant with three children.

    Sister. I would urgerntly ask you not to seek khula. That would be like running away like a coward who is afraid of an old woman.

    Your husband isn't around all the time. You only have to be nice to your mil when he is home. When he is gone let your mil know it is your house and your kids. When he comes home and if she complains just deny everything. Be nice and wait until he is gone again. Or better still ignore everything that comes out of your mother in laws mouth like it was a cartoon on TV, don't even look at her and carry on doing what you were doing your way. Just imagine she's not there even when she's standing next to you. That will be less draining on your energy and sanity.

    I know this is morally dubious advice, but I don't want you to break up your childrens home over this. Sometimes you have to use tough love to keep the family together. That is your main job. Keeping your childrens home intact. Do what you have to do. They're treating you like a doormat because you're acting like one.

    If guests are coming round, (not that they should be after a birth) ask your husband what they are going to eat becaue you're not going to cook for them.

    Make rules that you can't live without, eg. no staying guests after birth, get a lock for your room (even if you have to drill a simple hook latch and then use a padlock. This is easier than teaching people manners.), cooking and cleaning to be done on your schedule (because with four kids you won't have a schedule), etc. And then stick to it. Then you don't have to argue with anyone, you pick you battles on issue that are important and let the little ones go.

    I know you'll be ok. If you can give birth four times, you can survive a cranky old biddy for three months. Inshallah.


    Originally posted by babyibrahim View Post
    Salam to Everyone.

    I am having a lot of problems in my marriage and I would like to seek Khula.
    I have spoken to my husband regarding this but he is happy within the marriage and therefore just ignores me on these matters, he keeps telling me to stop wasting my time and use my focus elsewhere however this is a very important issue to me and I feel I need to resolve the matters.
    Also, I have three children (6,4 and 1) and am currently 5 months pregnant with my fourth Alhumdulilah.

    I am also seeking advice on here as my husband will not permit me to go to a masjid and speak to a Mulla or someone equivalent.

    The main issue regarding why I desperately want khula is because of my husband's changes in words. I feel I am unable to trust him to carry out certain matters which he explains he will do.

    When I had my second child Alhumdulilah, my in laws both came down so they can take care of the eldest whilst I was in hospital (they live in Pakistan and we live in the UK), it was extremely difficult due to many reasons, one being that I was not allowed to recover after coming back from hospital. At the time, I didnt mind much and thought I will just get on with it, anyway I was continuously working, (cleaning bathroom the same day I delivered etc) and still cleaning straight after birth. I realised how much my bones would hurt only after they left and how much I had damaged my body. Anyway so we planned later on that its a good time to have our final child.

    Because my mother in law hates my cooking and criticises everything from how i raise my kids to how i clean the kitchen etc, and the fact that she goes on about how she worked hard throughout all her deliveries so why cant women do the same now, I asked my husband very politely if he would please not ask his parents to come around this time as it was very difficult.
    He agreed, however as soon as I turned pregnant his words changed and he could no longer 'remember' saying that to me.
    I ignored the matter and allowed them to come,

    This time matters were worse, I went into false labour twice, I was up early every morning and was not given a chance to sit for even a minute (believe me its true) from 7am until 11pm until lunch was freshly cooked then she would expect me to make roti. We had her relatives around so I was cooking and cleaning for them a few weeks before my baby was due, it was the hardest time of my life, then she would moan for me to make dinner ready whilst they were out sightseeing and to make sure house is clean and when they came back one day my mother in law asked if the roti is ready, i said no as I was clearly not thinking straight and she decided to have a go at me. However the roti was made before they reached and she still kept going.

    I ignored everything and my husband appreciated me but when i would tell him I cannot take it then he would have a go at me and say me to have patience, he never said a single thing to his mother as she is always right in his eyes. despite me working this hard, she would tell everyone that she could have a better daughter in law than me as she wanted a pakistani daughter in law. I know this is the reason why she treats me bad.

    Anyway, i fell pregnant again with my fourth child, I was depressed as I know my husband well, however he said to me 'i will ask mum not to come during the delivery as she makes it hard for you'. few months down the line and she has already moved in with us, she is planning to stay for three months, then go back in april and come back the same month for delivery etc then go canada to her daughter's house for a while and then come back to live with me.
    she and my husband are making plans of living together permanently but apparently i have no say in this matter.
    she has two other sons who are of marriage age but she has left them alone is pakistan so she can relax in my house, she has already told me that she cannot help me with my delivery as she has diabetes however she will be here to see the newborn.
    As far as I am concerned I am willing to leave my husband if it means I can relax after birth. He is just not worth it.

    Overall we have a great relationship Alhumdulilah but there are just some sacrifices I cannot make.

    I apologise for the length of this, I have so much more to say (like the way she treats me or calls me stupid etc but its going to go on forever)

    Please can anyone advise me on my situation.
    I am unaware of what to do considering I have no access to a qualified muslim who can give me my khula and I also have no family to support me. I am in a position where i struggle every single day with someone following my every footstep (even when im putting baby to sleep upstairs she opens the door to check what i am doing)
    I just cannot take it and my husband just will not understand me, he thinks im wrong as i have no patience but he has to realise that i will not give up my life for him.
    i am not willing to move in with his parents and to him they are more important than i am, also i do not want to spend my life with such a man who keeps breaking his word.

    Please do advise me and may Allah SWT halp us all.


    Many thanks in advance

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: khula whilst 5 months pregnant with three children.

      Sister you have four kids, (IA). And you say, your relationship is generally great.

      Please don't seek a khula.

      Deal with the problem. Seperating will not put you in a better position. It may be hard entertaining guests after a birth, but nothing is harder than bringing up four kids on your own.
      https://sufisticated101.wordpress.com

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: khula whilst 5 months pregnant with three children.

        Thanks for your advice, I really can't do I can't make myself be horrible to her despite the fact that she deserves no better
        I just want to get away from this relationship, as it is in raising these kids single handedly, my hubby is only an income to us. Everything else I do , iI really really want to leave, he's not the man I married
        I can't see a future with a man who doesn't involve me in major life decisions.
        There's much more to it than just this like he's planning to move to Qatar in a few years and has told me that if I don't leave with him then I'm on my own as he has made a decision already
        He believes it is ok to beat women a few days after they give birth of 'they are wrong', doesn't even believe in hormones
        In not allowed out without his mother etc etc et, iI really could go on for a very long time!!!
        I just want OUT of this relationship where his parents rule, also its not just a few months, they are planning to live with us permanently, which I cannot tak!!!
        Please do advise me, sorry about adding bitenow and not earlier
        Originally posted by Ikki View Post
        Sister. I would urgerntly ask you not to seek khula. That would be like running away like a coward who is afraid of an old woman.

        Your husband isn't around all the time. You only have to be nice to your mil when he is home. When he is gone let your mil know it is your house and your kids. When he comes home and if she complains just deny everything. Be nice and wait until he is gone again. Or better still ignore everything that comes out of your mother in laws mouth like it was a cartoon on TV, don't even look at her and carry on doing what you were doing your way. Just imagine she's not there even when she's standing next to you. That will be less draining on your energy and sanity.

        I know this is morally dubious advice, but I don't want you to break up your childrens home over this. Sometimes you have to use tough love to keep the family together. That is your main job. Keeping your childrens home intact. Do what you have to do. They're treating you like a doormat because you're acting like one.

        If guests are coming round, (not that they should be after a birth) ask your husband what they are going to eat becaue you're not going to cook for them.

        Make rules that you can't live without, eg. no staying guests after birth, get a lock for your room (even if you have to drill a simple hook latch and then use a padlock. This is easier than teaching people manners.), cooking and cleaning to be done on your schedule (because with four kids you won't have a schedule), etc. And then stick to it. Then you don't have to argue with anyone, you pick you battles on issue that are important and let the little ones go.

        I know you'll be ok. If you can give birth four times, you can survive a cranky old biddy for three months. Inshallah.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: khula whilst 5 months pregnant with three children.

          Divorce isn't always the solution sis. Many a time it will actually incur many more problems.


          Plus, you have four children. How do you expect them to have a healthy upbringing without a father?


          You say he's not worth it, but based on your persons circumstances, divorce really isn't worth it.


          Think long term sis, not short term, relax and don't always think with your emotions. As a women, especially one who is heavily pregnant, your hormonal and not thinking straight.


          Alhamdualilah that our deen does not allow the women to demad divorce so easily. It's a blessing in disguise if one thinks about it.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: khula whilst 5 months pregnant with three children.

            Also have asked hubby for a lock but again he just doesn't care
            I have told him it's not my duty in Islam to care for his parents but he keeps threatening me that I'm not a good Muslim if I don't and my kids will hate me if I don't care for his parents
            He just needs a slave and so does his mother,
            I soo want to leave him just to make him realise that he's not worth as much as he thinks he is, he thinks I will keep sacrificing but I cannot do anymore than this

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: khula whilst 5 months pregnant with three children.

              I agree with you,

              I'm just trapped, I feel like I'm not heard and just feel so helpless in this situation.
              May Allah Swt guide us all. AMEEN

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: khula whilst 5 months pregnant with three children.

                Originally posted by babyibrahim View Post
                Salam to Everyone.

                I am having a lot of problems in my marriage and I would like to seek Khula.
                I have spoken to my husband regarding this but he is happy within the marriage and therefore just ignores me on these matters, he keeps telling me to stop wasting my time and use my focus elsewhere however this is a very important issue to me and I feel I need to resolve the matters.
                Also, I have three children (6,4 and 1) and am currently 5 months pregnant with my fourth Alhumdulilah.

                I am also seeking advice on here as my husband will not permit me to go to a masjid and speak to a Mulla or someone equivalent.

                The main issue regarding why I desperately want khula is because of my husband's changes in words. I feel I am unable to trust him to carry out certain matters which he explains he will do.

                When I had my second child Alhumdulilah, my in laws both came down so they can take care of the eldest whilst I was in hospital (they live in Pakistan and we live in the UK), it was extremely difficult due to many reasons, one being that I was not allowed to recover after coming back from hospital. At the time, I didnt mind much and thought I will just get on with it, anyway I was continuously working, (cleaning bathroom the same day I delivered etc) and still cleaning straight after birth. I realised how much my bones would hurt only after they left and how much I had damaged my body. Anyway so we planned later on that its a good time to have our final child.

                Because my mother in law hates my cooking and criticises everything from how i raise my kids to how i clean the kitchen etc, and the fact that she goes on about how she worked hard throughout all her deliveries so why cant women do the same now, I asked my husband very politely if he would please not ask his parents to come around this time as it was very difficult.
                He agreed, however as soon as I turned pregnant his words changed and he could no longer 'remember' saying that to me.
                I ignored the matter and allowed them to come,

                This time matters were worse, I went into false labour twice, I was up early every morning and was not given a chance to sit for even a minute (believe me its true) from 7am until 11pm until lunch was freshly cooked then she would expect me to make roti. We had her relatives around so I was cooking and cleaning for them a few weeks before my baby was due, it was the hardest time of my life, then she would moan for me to make dinner ready whilst they were out sightseeing and to make sure house is clean and when they came back one day my mother in law asked if the roti is ready, i said no as I was clearly not thinking straight and she decided to have a go at me. However the roti was made before they reached and she still kept going.

                I ignored everything and my husband appreciated me but when i would tell him I cannot take it then he would have a go at me and say me to have patience, he never said a single thing to his mother as she is always right in his eyes. despite me working this hard, she would tell everyone that she could have a better daughter in law than me as she wanted a pakistani daughter in law. I know this is the reason why she treats me bad.

                Anyway, i fell pregnant again with my fourth child, I was depressed as I know my husband well, however he said to me 'i will ask mum not to come during the delivery as she makes it hard for you'. few months down the line and she has already moved in with us, she is planning to stay for three months, then go back in april and come back the same month for delivery etc then go canada to her daughter's house for a while and then come back to live with me.
                she and my husband are making plans of living together permanently but apparently i have no say in this matter.
                she has two other sons who are of marriage age but she has left them alone is pakistan so she can relax in my house, she has already told me that she cannot help me with my delivery as she has diabetes however she will be here to see the newborn.
                As far as I am concerned I am willing to leave my husband if it means I can relax after birth. He is just not worth it.

                Overall we have a great relationship Alhumdulilah but there are just some sacrifices I cannot make.

                I apologise for the length of this, I have so much more to say (like the way she treats me or calls me stupid etc but its going to go on forever)

                Please can anyone advise me on my situation.
                I am unaware of what to do considering I have no access to a qualified muslim who can give me my khula and I also have no family to support me. I am in a position where i struggle every single day with someone following my every footstep (even when im putting baby to sleep upstairs she opens the door to check what i am doing)
                I just cannot take it and my husband just will not understand me, he thinks im wrong as i have no patience but he has to realise that i will not give up my life for him.
                i am not willing to move in with his parents and to him they are more important than i am, also i do not want to spend my life with such a man who keeps breaking his word.

                Please do advise me and may Allah SWT halp us all.


                Many thanks in advance
                Assalaamu Alaykum sister,

                I don't think anyone here is qualified to pronounce khula and if they were would certainly not do so over an internet post but after many conversations and meeting with both parties.

                However saying that, it is clear you feel your mother in law and husband oppress you, not an uncommon complaint from those with desi mother in laws or husbands, and you simply cannot physically or mentally cope this time around. But I am also sure as you've been through this 3x before, that women when pregnant are extremely emotional and that when in such a state you might not be thinking entirely clearly.

                Problems that might seem huge now, shrink in calmer times, solutions that seem rational now will seem bizarre when you are calmer.

                Is it not then possible for you to seek advise from a good, trustworthy local muslim, imam, sheikh or elder or islamic organisation who do not have a cultural mindset and who can come and hear both parties, and if they feel your husband is being unjust ask him to change his ways before you seek such a radial step as asking for khula from him?

                Make sure it is not from a cultural masjid, we get enough sisters coming to the masjid I help out in in Leicester after the imams at the cultural ones just keep telling them to have sabr, even when they have legitimate complaints.

                After these people have spoken to your husband, even if he was not willing to compromise is separation for a time not a better option than divorce?
                if you are in the UK and your parents will not or cannot put you up, you will not starve living by yourself, though it can be a struggle surviving on benefits at times but at least then it is possible he will see the error of his ways and make his mother back down perhaps.

                If this is not possible, khula is at the end of the day a right you have, and the shariah council in London can grant it to you, but you should know if you seek it and it is not justified it is a major sin on your part and dhulm against not just your husband but your children, and the whole family but you have this right for a reason, when other parties are being unreasonable and you have little or no other options.
                Last edited by Gingerbeardman; 09-12-14, 12:50 PM.
                FOLLOW THE NEW BLOG - GINGERBEARDMAN - Muslim, father, husband, writer, defender of ginger rights!

                www.facebook.com/outreach4Islam - Outreach4Islam have been working together in Leicester, calling the not yet Muslims to Islam since 2006.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: khula whilst 5 months pregnant with three children.

                  Don't seek khala just because his mother comes once in a while to spend time with you

                  You just said that overall you have a good relationship
                  Ibnul Qayyim رحمه الله said: "Don’t ruin your happiness with worry, and don’t ruin your mind with pessimism. Don’t ruin your success with deception and don’t ruin the optimism of others by destroying it. Don’t ruin your day by looking back at yesterday.
                  __________________________________________________ _____________________________
                  If you think about your situation, you will find that Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) has given you things without asking, so have trust in Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) that He doesn’t prevent anything you want except there is goodness for you.

                  You could be sleeping and the doors of the heavens are being opened with dua’as being made on your behalf, SubhanAllaah: perhaps from someone poor whom you helped, or someone sad whom you brought joy, or someone passing by and you smiled at him, or someone in distress and you removed it.. so don’t ever underestimate any good deeds."



                  please donate to the Ummah forum sadaqa jariya project. Click on the link for for more information, and to make a donation- https://www.justgiving.com/sadaqah-jariyah-project/

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: khula whilst 5 months pregnant with three children.

                    Are you able to stay with your own family after your delivery to help you recover?

                    Because, that is what I would do.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: khula whilst 5 months pregnant with three children.

                      Sister, I am very sad to hear how you feeling. Firstly, I could only imagine what pain you are going through, and I know how hard Pakistani MILs can be. To be honest, complaining to your husband will never help because its his mother and they never would think that she would do bad. Also, being bad to the mother in law is wrong too, just because she behaves this way towards you does not mean you should (And you will be the one who get the blame in the end)

                      Sister, I am divorced but I have no children. Its not easy, emotionally and financially. My first piece of advice, speak to Muslim Women Helpline. Alhumduillah the sisters can listen and offer some advice. Also make istkhara before you make your final decision.
                      No Longer On UF

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: khula whilst 5 months pregnant with three children.

                        pregnant women make rash decisions

                        having a khula while pregnant is not wise

                        first off, i believe the talaq would not take effect till the child is born

                        so just be patient

                        young folks are truly wacky
                        .لا نريد زعيما يخاف البيت الإبيض
                        نريد زعيما يخاف الواحد الأحد
                        دولة الإسلامية باقية





                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: khula whilst 5 months pregnant with three children.

                          Originally posted by babyibrahim View Post
                          Also have asked hubby for a lock but again he just doesn't care
                          I have told him it's not my duty in Islam to care for his parents but he keeps threatening me that I'm not a good Muslim if I don't and my kids will hate me if I don't care for his parents
                          He just needs a slave and so does his mother,
                          I soo want to leave him just to make him realise that he's not worth as much as he thinks he is, he thinks I will keep sacrificing but I cannot do anymore than this
                          your job is not to take care of his parents, thats his job

                          your job is not even to nurse your own children, you can demand he pay a wet nurse

                          your ONLY true job is to come to the bed when he calls

                          other than that, everything you do is a sadaqa

                          obey your husband, that is your jannah, but do not allow him to oppress you

                          and stop over reacting, that doesnt help anyone, it only hurts everyone
                          .لا نريد زعيما يخاف البيت الإبيض
                          نريد زعيما يخاف الواحد الأحد
                          دولة الإسلامية باقية





                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: khula whilst 5 months pregnant with three children.

                            Brother, I can understand what you are saying, but with most Pakistani men, whether from backhome or here - they EXPECT the wife to be the carer of his parents. If you disagree or dont do everythig they want - then the woman is the 'disobient wife', the trouble maker, the one who 'hates his family and turning him against his family' etc etc.


                            "I soo want to leave him just to make him realise that he's not worth as much as he thinks he is, he thinks I will keep sacrificing but I cannot do anymore than this"

                            This is a dangerous way to think.
                            No Longer On UF

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: khula whilst 5 months pregnant with three children.

                              Originally posted by babyibrahim View Post
                              I agree with you,

                              I'm just trapped, I feel like I'm not heard and just feel so helpless in this situation.
                              May Allah Swt guide us all. AMEEN
                              Where is your family??? Do they know?? Get them to come over and have a word with your husband and warn him if things don't change then you'll be considering separation until you give birth and have recovered to sort things out.

                              Allah didn't ask us to take oppression lying down and just complain - get your family involved and if they don't care then get a a trusted friend to get you in contact with an Imam from your area or just ring this helpline http://www.mwnuk.co.uk/directory.php...ssueID=&id=164

                              May Allah SWT ease you troubles - ameen.
                              ‘If only I had done such-and-such, then such-and-such would have happened.’ Rather you should say, ‘Qaddara Allah wa ma sha a fa’ala (Allah decrees, and what He wills He does),’ for (the words) ‘If only’ open the door to the Shaytan.” (Narrated by Muslim).

                              Comment

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