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  • Marriage and rights of parent conflict

    This discussion forum was suggested by a close friend. I am not a fan of posting personal issues on public forums but it will be helpful to see if others have been in my predicament and what is the best way out. I finished Uni a couple of years ago and now work. I met my "partner" through an acquaintance. She was separated and has 2 children from her previous marriage. Even though there was 8 years age gap between us (she is older) we felt it right to have a Nikah somehow privately(Her family was involved but mine wasn't). I always thought that I will let my parents know at the right time (they live in another country).

    As fate had it, my parents recently started going on and on about getting married etc and I spilled the beans. All hell broke loose. From the less offensive of "how can you even think about marrying a divorced mother while being so young etc to downright disturbing of "you have brought shame on us" and other things. I didn't see and don't see anyof this in reality, She is an exemplary woman and mother, a practicing Muslim. Soon after Nikah I moved in her house and after some struggle her kids accepted me as their father.

    My parents after coming to know all this went ballistic. They are now asking me to get divorced and cut all relation so according to them I can marry a "normal" girl. To make matters worse we are expecting a child and I don't know where to run. This might seem a non-issue from western cultural point of view but I am really between a rock and a hard place. No clue

  • #2
    Re: Marriage and rights of parent conflict

    It was not right to get married behind your parents like that, you cant blame them for being upset. The best thing to do now is stay honest with them, they will eventually accept it.
    unconditional love for all of mankind.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Marriage and rights of parent conflict

      Assalamualaikum brother, don't leave your wife. Yes you should have told your parents in the first place but you committed no sin by marrying. In fact, you are fathering 2 children who are not your own mashaAllah. Few Muslim men do that these days, may Allah reward you. Aameen. If your wife is good, your parents have no right whatsoever to make you divorce her. It is very very sad that people allow cultural views to enter into marriage. They should be happy you have a good muslim wife. You have a child on the way, stick by her, please don't leave your wife over such a ridiculous reason as parents not accepting her because she is divorced. There is no shame in this. The prophet pbuh married divorcees, nobody was more special than prophet Muhammad pbuh. Your parents will have to accept this inshaAllah brother. You have to persuade them, it would be beyond cruel to leave your wife and all kids like this. They don't deserve such treatment.
      The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, "You must be gentle. Verily, gentleness is not in anything except that it beautifies it, and it is not removed from anything except that it disgraces it."

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Marriage and rights of parent conflict

        Assalamualaykum brother

        As posters have previously said, you should have told tour parents at the beginning thus now it is natural for them to be upset and angry. However this stuff they're saying to divorce her and marry a normal girl is just a product of their anger. How long the anger will last only Allah knows, but eventually they should inshaAllah come to accept it. Especially as she is a good practising Muslim woman and you did a very good deed in helping to raise her previous two kids.

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        • #5
          Re: Marriage and rights of parent conflict

          :salams:

          As a man, you have the right to get married without requiring your parents permission, so they can throw as big a strop as they like because of their.cultural baggage until they learn to live with the fact you are married to this woman HOWEVER what you did wrong was not giving them a notice and doing it secretly. That is where some of their anger justifiably stems from. You will simply have to continue to make amends with your parents until they can come to terms with this marriage hopefully by learning she is a pipus Muslimah and they're due to.become grandparents.

          Now, as a last and final point, I need you to explicitly understand this, you are NOT the father of the children from her previous marriage. Although you may take on a father like figure in their day to day lives, i'm sure their own father is still in contact with them, and you have to.be careful to.not place yourself in the same position as their father. You can Insha'Allah do this with your own child due to be born and any you are bpessed with in the future. I don't say this to be harsh, but to point out Islamically you are different to their biological father. You should merely seek to.have a healthy and respectful relationship with the children Insha'Allah.
          I write novels for posts. Beware. :mujahida:

          Ummah Forum seems pretty black and white. Was thinking of offering Skittles as Dawah to introduce a rainbow.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Marriage and rights of parent conflict

            MashAllah Thank you for your kind replies. I think I am on the same page with you brothers and sisters. It's right thatI should have told my parents at the time of Nikah but now that's happened.

            I cannot even imagine leaving my wife and our kids. Even though I am not their real father I have sacrificed a lot to be one for them but my parents cannot see that. I am worried most about them. My wife's first husband was abusive and neglected his own kids, he stopped all contact with them soon after separation so now as far they are concerned I am their father. I even sacrificed not having my own child until they were ready to accept another brother/sister.

            My parents cannot see that besides helping me with my career achievements my wife through her guidance and persistence has made me a better Muslim; I rarely used to pray before but now at least I pray 3 times a day.

            Is it islamically right if for the time beingI cut contact with my parents? It's emotionally too much at the moment when I want to concentrate all my energies on my pregnant wife and kids? My parents might even accept my "own" child but in no way they will ever consider my wife's kids from previous marriage as "their own blood". This is not acceptable for me

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            • #7
              Re: Marriage and rights of parent conflict

              I understand your point brother but their biological father has no more contact with them. My wife tried more than a few times to remind him of his duties and his children's rights but all in vain.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Marriage and rights of parent conflict

                Originally posted by Halflitmoon View Post
                I understand your point brother but their biological father has no more contact with them. My wife tried more than a few times to remind him of his duties and his children's rights but all in vain.
                I disagree with brother Constant hope above. Some biological fathers are a waste of humanity (I'm sorry but that is the truth) If someone leaves their child and doesn't look after them then he may be a father by blood and he has some rights but realistically, children don't think anything of a man like that. The children probably love that they are lucky enough to have someone who is a father figure to them as all children need this in their lives. Some are not blessed with good fathers and that is why it is very sweet of you to be that for those children. I am sure your wife appreciates it and the children love you for it. It is not a matter of being able to love only those who are blood related as is proven everyday through marriages and friendships...where people are obviously not related but love each other. On the other hand, fathers and mothers can be blood related but still leave their children without a backward glance which makes them unfit to be parents of innocent children. Rambled on a bit but just wanted you to realise you are much respected for what you have done mashaAllah and most of all, Allah will reward you much for your sacrifices and love and mercy you have shown to your wife's children from first marriage. I don't think children can directly call you father but viewing you as a father figure in their life is great for them emotionally and spiritually.

                In regards to your parents, I don't think you should cut off as cutting ties is not part of islam (especially with parents). I can understand your parents shock and initial anger but not their reaction to make you divorce your wife. They should understand at the end of the day, it is your choice who you marry. You are the one who lives with your wife, not them. There is nothing in islam that stops a man from marrying a good Muslim woman even if his parents don't like it. You need to have a proper conversation with your parents. Tell them to calm down and listen from islamic point of view and your point of view not theirs and not cultural. You need to be strong and explain to them clearly that you love your parents and respect them and you love your wife and respect her. Tell them the positives of your wife and you say she has helped you achieve your goals and has helped you become better islamically, so explain this to them. Tell them clearly, you are not going to divorce your wife, she also has a baby on the way and they have to accept that inshaAllah. If you seem wishy washy or scared with parents, they will keep pressurising you. You need to show them you are happy in your mariage and you are a grown man who can make his own decisions and if they were advising something good, you would take it on board. However considering their advice is unislamic and not helpful to you in any way, so you are not going to take it on board and that is the end of that discussion. You still love them and respect them but you need them to stop pressurising you as it is affecting you emotionally. Keep in positive contact with your parents but just tell them this particular topic is off limits and inshaAllah hopefully in time they will understand and come to accept her. Also apologise that you didn't tell them initially but explain that you are living the rest of your life with your wife, so it is your decision at the end of the day who you choose to marry.
                The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, "You must be gentle. Verily, gentleness is not in anything except that it beautifies it, and it is not removed from anything except that it disgraces it."

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Marriage and rights of parent conflict

                  Originally posted by Halflitmoon View Post
                  I understand your point brother but their biological father has no more contact with them. My wife tried more than a few times to remind him of his duties and his children's rights but all in vain.
                  Brother, I KNOW the type of man you're talking about, but he's still their father and no matter how useless they are, Islamically they have rights over the children that you'll never have. It's why i'm merely asking you to establish a loving and respectful relationship in a father like capcity. Insha'Allah you'll see that will be enough. Nonthing I said is Islamically wrong OR would cause you to have any less of a relationship with the children. It's just you making sure you don't have the same rights and whatnot, so if something happens, you are less hurt and more understanding.

                  Originally posted by liya1 View Post
                  I disagree with brother Constant hope above. Some biological fathers are a waste of humanity (I'm sorry but that is the truth) If someone leaves their child and doesn't look after them then he may be a father by blood and he has some rights but realistically, children don't think anything of a man like that. The children probably love that they are lucky enough to have someone who is a father figure to them as all children need this in their lives. Some are not blessed with good fathers and that is why it is very sweet of you to be that for those children. I am sure your wife appreciates it and the children love you for it. It is not a matter of being able to love only those who are blood related as is proven everyday through marriages and friendships...where people are obviously not related but love each other. On the other hand, fathers and mothers can be blood related but still leave their children without a backward glance which makes them unfit to be parents of innocent children. Rambled on a bit but just wanted you to realise you are much respected for what you have done mashaAllah and most of all, Allah will reward you much for your sacrifices and love and mercy you have shown to your wife's children from first marriage. I don't think children can directly call you father but viewing you as a father figure in their life is great for them emotionally and spiritually.
                  :salams:

                  I just wanted to point out I was trying to illustrate the Islamic viewpoint in differentiating a biologicsl father, even if he is a waste of space and his rights on the children vs. the brother who married the sister. I myself come from a single parent family where I know too well the pains of an absent father figure and whatnot, but Islamically, you cannot replace that person which is why I was advising he have as respectful and loving a relationship as possible with them, but remember he can never replace their father or have the same rights Islamically as children born of his own blood.

                  That doesn't mean he doesn't have to care for them. Hope that clarifies
                  I write novels for posts. Beware. :mujahida:

                  Ummah Forum seems pretty black and white. Was thinking of offering Skittles as Dawah to introduce a rainbow.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Marriage and rights of parent conflict

                    Originally posted by Constant Hope View Post
                    :salams:

                    I just wanted to point out I was trying to illustrate the Islamic viewpoint in differentiating a biologicsl father, even if he is a waste of space and his rights on the children vs. the brother who married the sister. I myself come from a single parent family where I know too well the pains of an absent father figure and whatnot, but Islamically, you cannot replace that person which is why I was advising he have as respectful and loving a relationship as possible with them, but remember he can never replace their father or have the same rights Islamically as children born of his own blood.

                    That doesn't mean he doesn't have to care for them. Hope that clarifies

                    Makes sense brother. I understand what you are trying to say. I just didn't want brother (OP) to feel he is doing it for nothing and feel dejected about it or feel a bit turned off about the whole thing. It's just that I have seen such a situation of an absentee father and the best thing those children can get is another male father figure. I mean there are some children who have fathers in their lives despite divorce etc but there are some who don't have one at all for whatever reason and those kids will usually adjust to a new figure quickly aswell because they have not had a real father in their life. In this brothers situation, this was the best thing that could happen to the kids mashaAllah. Regarding rights of original father, yes islamically he has the rights depending on his behaviour. If he is mentally incompetent or abusive for example, then the children are not allowed to be in his custody or alone with him depending on what the Muslim judge decides.
                    The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, "You must be gentle. Verily, gentleness is not in anything except that it beautifies it, and it is not removed from anything except that it disgraces it."

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Marriage and rights of parent conflict

                      Originally posted by Halflitmoon View Post
                      MashAllah Thank you for your kind replies. I think I am on the same page with you brothers and sisters. It's right thatI should have told my parents at the time of Nikah but now that's happened.

                      I cannot even imagine leaving my wife and our kids. Even though I am not their real father I have sacrificed a lot to be one for them but my parents cannot see that. I am worried most about them. My wife's first husband was abusive and neglected his own kids, he stopped all contact with them soon after separation so now as far they are concerned I am their father. I even sacrificed not having my own child until they were ready to accept another brother/sister.

                      My parents cannot see that besides helping me with my career achievements my wife through her guidance and persistence has made me a better Muslim; I rarely used to pray before but now at least I pray 3 times a day.

                      Is it islamically right if for the time beingI cut contact with my parents? It's emotionally too much at the moment when I want to concentrate all my energies on my pregnant wife and kids? My parents might even accept my "own" child but in no way they will ever consider my wife's kids from previous marriage as "their own blood". This is not acceptable for me
                      What's done is done - you should be well aware that you should not have married in secret. Not only was a shortsighted move but disrespectful and ungrateful to your parents.

                      Re the kids, alhamdulillah it is good that you have a good a relationship with them. HOWEVER they are not your kids. You are NOT their father. As a result your parents have no obligation to accept them as their own. In fact islamically they are not their 'own blood'. Of course this does not mean that they should be rude or horrible to them but they have no obligation to meet them and treat them as grandchildren. Nor do you have a right to demand that of them.

                      On what grounds will you distance yourself from your own parents? look at it from their view, not only did you marry in secret but for another woman you will break contact with your own parents who raised you and invested in you? do you really think this will make them accept you and your wife in the future, it will break their hearts at how ungrateful you are. Your wife has rights over you so don't divorce her, etc. but so do your parents. you can't just ignore them. I mean come on....you are willing to be a father figure to another mans children but are willing to drop your own parents the minute a woman comes on the scene!?!?!

                      hold fast and refuse to divorce your wife, visit your parents, try and get everyone together (try and get her parents involved), and once your child is born they will be more likely to accept the situation. happens all the time...son has secret nikah because he is scared, parents reject it, grandchildren come along, happy families.

                      But just to reiterate you have no right to force your parents to accept your wife's children from another man as grandchildren or 'their own blood' nor do you have any grounds to distance yourself from them.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Marriage and rights of parent conflict

                        Originally posted by liya1 View Post
                        I disagree with brother Constant hope above. Some biological fathers are a waste of humanity (I'm sorry but that is the truth) If someone leaves their child and doesn't look after them then he may be a father by blood and he has some rights but realistically, children don't think anything of a man like that. The children probably love that they are lucky enough to have someone who is a father figure to them as all children need this in their lives. Some are not blessed with good fathers and that is why it is very sweet of you to be that for those children. I am sure your wife appreciates it and the children love you for it. It is not a matter of being able to love only those who are blood related as is proven everyday through marriages and friendships...where people are obviously not related but love each other. On the other hand, fathers and mothers can be blood related but still leave their children without a backward glance which makes them unfit to be parents of innocent children. Rambled on a bit but just wanted you to realise you are much respected for what you have done mashaAllah and most of all, Allah will reward you much for your sacrifices and love and mercy you have shown to your wife's children from first marriage. I don't think children can directly call you father but viewing you as a father figure in their life is great for them emotionally and spiritually.

                        In regards to your parents, I don't think you should cut off as cutting ties is not part of islam (especially with parents). I can understand your parents shock and initial anger but not their reaction to make you divorce your wife. They should understand at the end of the day, it is your choice who you marry. You are the one who lives with your wife, not them. There is nothing in islam that stops a man from marrying a good Muslim woman even if his parents don't like it. You need to have a proper conversation with your parents. Tell them to calm down and listen from islamic point of view and your point of view not theirs and not cultural. You need to be strong and explain to them clearly that you love your parents and respect them and you love your wife and respect her. Tell them the positives of your wife and you say she has helped you achieve your goals and has helped you become better islamically, so explain this to them. Tell them clearly, you are not going to divorce your wife, she also has a baby on the way and they have to accept that inshaAllah. If you seem wishy washy or scared with parents, they will keep pressurising you. You need to show them you are happy in your mariage and you are a grown man who can make his own decisions and if they were advising something good, you would take it on board. However considering their advice is unislamic and not helpful to you in any way, so you are not going to take it on board and that is the end of that discussion. You still love them and respect them but you need them to stop pressurising you as it is affecting you emotionally. Keep in positive contact with your parents but just tell them this particular topic is off limits and inshaAllah hopefully in time they will understand and come to accept her. Also apologise that you didn't tell them initially but explain that you are living the rest of your life with your wife, so it is your decision at the end of the day who you choose to marry.
                        Thank you for your kind words

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Marriage and rights of parent conflict

                          I think you mention rightly that I am not my wife's kids real father. It's difficult to draw so strict lines though day to day. So should they call me by my name instead of dad? However am I right in saying that I am still responsible for their growing up and financial provision?

                          I think it is right that my parents will be more accepting if I keep trying to convince them .

                          I get the impression from your comments that my wife's exhusband should be interacting with his kids too? As in we should try to connect the kids with him? Is that a duty islamically? If my wife contacted her ex to arrange to see the kids etc would that be good?

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Marriage and rights of parent conflict

                            Originally posted by Halflitmoon View Post
                            I think you mention rightly that I am not my wife's kids real father. It's difficult to draw so strict lines though day to day. So should they call me by my name instead of dad? However am I right in saying that I am still responsible for their growing up and financial provision?

                            I think it is right that my parents will be more accepting if I keep trying to convince them .

                            I get the impression from your comments that my wife's exhusband should be interacting with his kids too? As in we should try to connect the kids with him? Is that a duty islamically? If my wife contacted her ex to arrange to see the kids etc would that be good?
                            Brother, its not about 'strict' lines, but you should differentiate yourself as not being their father so maybe 'Uncle' could be used instead of 'dad' for instance. This is because you want to be a father like figure in their lives, but Islamically you can never displace their biological father and his rights.

                            Regarding paying for and maintaining the the children from the ex-husband, it is HIS duty to pay for his children regardless of whether he divorced their mother. He may no longer be financially responsible for her, but the children are his responsibility. I know some men like yourself may be happy to keep such people out the picture for the sake of making things emotionally easier, but he should as a father man up and pay for his kids.

                            Again, i'm not being 'rigid' in my advice, but trying to point out the Islamic obligations and responsibilities of each party. Of course you'd wish to raise them in a loving and respectful environment and may not mind paying for their upbringing as if they were your own, as well as not wanting a deadbeat father and ex-husband in contact, but if he is in the childrens lives, then you have to deal with it.

                            I'm sure you'll be good to the kids, and Insha'Allah have a great relationship, but their dad should pony up for their upbringing too.
                            I write novels for posts. Beware. :mujahida:

                            Ummah Forum seems pretty black and white. Was thinking of offering Skittles as Dawah to introduce a rainbow.

                            Comment

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