A conflict of home vs a couple ...

[_Sinner_]

:salams

Brothers & Sisters...

Let me discuss with you a real time situation.

I have a friend, good one. Yesterday when I met him, his voice was quite hoarse. When asked, he was reluctant but started discussing, I guess to have my opinion...

I will mention in his words, almost. So he started....

Yesterday, after dinner, I was sitting with my family, wife, kids, mother, brother, sister.... When only mother & wife remained on dinner table, mother (assuming that my bad mood is due to some argument mother n wife had before) started to tell wife to do whatever u want, I dont need any of your help, etc. etc... To which I didnt say anything at first but then when arguments started, I said that the problem wasnt any.
Anyhow, during arguments b/w wife n mother, my brother (younger btw) came & asked me to stop treating the mother in this way, ask ur wife to talk with respect to mother, etc.
At which, I lost my temper & started shouting (like a mad man) that he shud mind his own business & she is my mother as well... & I am resolving the matter between us 3, so he is no place to interfer... bro said he is listening for a while now & it shud stop, u shud tell ur wife to behave.. Which further ignited me, I said if I dont interfer the way u talk to our mother then its not ur right to speak here & esp. abt my wife !!! I shud die so that all the mess remains for u all to handle. U r my mother & If im not entitled to speak to u then after my death u shud throw my wife n kids on streets coz they r nothing to anyone here !!!

(I thought to write this all in caps but im just underlining the shouted part...)

Mom kept trying to calm us both.... I sent my wife in our room & kept shouting to mom that I WILL do whatever i want to talk to u , its no one's business to speak in between. & only my parents can talk to my wife this way, NO ONE else... !!!

Later, after I get calm (voice wise) but still enraged, I inquired abt the start of discussion. As mentioned, mother assumed wife's bad mood have something to do with our fight (my mood was bad when I came to eat..) SO i told her that if u were concerned abt my mood then y didnt u ask me? I wud've told u even the reason of our fight. WHy have u assumed ?????? This all wudn't have happened. Me n brother wudnt have argued & what seemed like a clear break of ties, cud be saved.....
Brother also said, ur wife knows how much I respect her, but this is not acceptable. to which I said, its my position to tell her, not urs ! I am handling my issues so u shud've been kept away in this issue...
Now I know I didnt say any wrong to my mother OR my brother, but I regret of speaking to my mother in a highest volume I have ever spoken to anyone in my life.... I was enraged to such an extent that I really wished to have an attack or something of either heart or mind to somehow rest & end this....
2ndly, my daughter sitting there started crying silently... that broke me further.
3rdly, whatever moods, I really dont want to end all relation with my brother... I know hemight need me (coz of his friends) but I need him, all my family....

Later, I told mom that wife will cook separately. I will tell wife that not to speak with brother again.

In room, told wife the same. then held my daughter & discussed & apologized the anger..... we both were crying at that time...

Heavy stuff, atleast for me. I cud see tears in his eyes.... the reason of voice was clear now.
I really havent have any opinion or words to calm him. Coz he did OK in trying to resolve the pb with his wife n mother, all hell broke loose when his bro. interfered. He was asking my op & i was thinking what am I suppose to suggest....

I just said that do apologize to his mother & if his brother is ok in speaking with him, dont hold the grudge.... just let bygones be bygones... but if he dont, then u cant do anything. Have I mentioned his father died many years ago...

he told that his mom is OK with him. but underline, u never know how much she is hurt....
His mother told him previously that the wife sometimes is hurtful in her comments & dealings towards the mother.... the wife's attitude (towards him, not towards his mother) however was the part what they were fighting before coming to dinner .....

Will try to console him & discuss some more to see if everything OK at there..

Soooo, what is ur take on all this ?

:jkk:

[Ikki]

Re: A conflict of home vs a couple ...

This guy needs to put some distance between brother and wife. Seriously, the brother in law is death.

Seems normal desi (I"m assuming) family interaction. The mother and wife are jostling for position, the brother is probably being worked on by the mum to wind him up against wife, husband is probably being worked on by wife to wind him up against the others. etc etc. The mother then starts a scene during a time when she knows she has an audience, brother is already primed to explode, husband is frustrated from all the crap and the whole thing launches successfully.

The guy's going to have to put down bounderies.
Mother should stop trying to make a dramatic scene to get husband to dislike his wife and shout at her.
Brother should keep his nose out in every way possible, then apply himself to finding more ways he can stay out of the wife-husband-mother relationship.
Wife shouldn't talk back rudely (to mother), she should stand for herself politely, or stay quiet. Better still husband should stand up for her so that she doesn't have to, she would then know that she can keep quiet and husband will sort it out when he gets home.
Guy should get over his emotional needs from his brother and try and get emtional fulfillment through wife.

Or better still move out.

:salams

Brothers & Sisters...

Let me discuss with you a real time situation.

I have a friend, good one. Yesterday when I met him, his voice was quite hoarse. When asked, he was reluctant but started discussing, I guess to have my opinion...

I will mention in his words, almost. So he started....

Yesterday, after dinner, I was sitting with my family, wife, kids, mother, brother, sister.... When only mother & wife remained on dinner table, mother (assuming that my bad mood is due to some argument mother n wife had before) started to tell wife to do whatever u want, I dont need any of your help, etc. etc... To which I didnt say anything at first but then when arguments started, I said that the problem wasnt any.
Anyhow, during arguments b/w wife n mother, my brother (younger btw) came & asked me to stop treating the mother in this way, ask ur wife to talk with respect to mother, etc.
At which, I lost my temper & started shouting (like a mad man) that he shud mind his own business & she is my mother as well... & I am resolving the matter between us 3, so he is no place to interfer... bro said he is listening for a while now & it shud stop, u shud tell ur wife to behave.. Which further ignited me, I said if I dont interfer the way u talk to our mother then its not ur right to speak here & esp. abt my wife !!! I shud die so that all the mess remains for u all to handle. U r my mother & If im not entitled to speak to u then after my death u shud throw my wife n kids on streets coz they r nothing to anyone here !!!

(I thought to write this all in caps but im just underlining the shouted part...)

Mom kept trying to calm us both.... I sent my wife in our room & kept shouting to mom that I WILL do whatever i want to talk to u , its no one's business to speak in between. & only my parents can talk to my wife this way, NO ONE else... !!!

Later, after I get calm (voice wise) but still enraged, I inquired abt the start of discussion. As mentioned, mother assumed wife's bad mood have something to do with our fight (my mood was bad when I came to eat..) SO i told her that if u were concerned abt my mood then y didnt u ask me? I wud've told u even the reason of our fight. WHy have u assumed ?????? This all wudn't have happened. Me n brother wudnt have argued & what seemed like a clear break of ties, cud be saved.....
Brother also said, ur wife knows how much I respect her, but this is not acceptable. to which I said, its my position to tell her, not urs ! I am handling my issues so u shud've been kept away in this issue...
Now I know I didnt say any wrong to my mother OR my brother, but I regret of speaking to my mother in a highest volume I have ever spoken to anyone in my life.... I was enraged to such an extent that I really wished to have an attack or something of either heart or mind to somehow rest & end this....
2ndly, my daughter sitting there started crying silently... that broke me further.
3rdly, whatever moods, I really dont want to end all relation with my brother... I know hemight need me (coz of his friends) but I need him, all my family....

Later, I told mom that wife will cook separately. I will tell wife that not to speak with brother again.

In room, told wife the same. then held my daughter & discussed & apologized the anger..... we both were crying at that time...

Heavy stuff, atleast for me. I cud see tears in his eyes.... the reason of voice was clear now.
I really havent have any opinion or words to calm him. Coz he did OK in trying to resolve the pb with his wife n mother, all hell broke loose when his bro. interfered. He was asking my op & i was thinking what am I suppose to suggest....

I just said that do apologize to his mother & if his brother is ok in speaking with him, dont hold the grudge.... just let bygones be bygones... but if he dont, then u cant do anything. Have I mentioned his father died many years ago...

he told that his mom is OK with him. but underline, u never know how much she is hurt....
His mother told him previously that the wife sometimes is hurtful in her comments & dealings towards the mother.... the wife's attitude (towards him, not towards his mother) however was the part what they were fighting before coming to dinner .....

Will try to console him & discuss some more to see if everything OK at there..

Soooo, what is ur take on all this ?

:jkk:

[_Sinner_]

Re: A conflict of home vs a couple ...

This guy needs to put some distance between brother and wife. Seriously, the brother in law is death.

Seems normal desi (I"m assuming) family interaction. The mother and wife are jostling for position, the brother is probably being worked on by the mum to wind him up against wife, husband is probably being worked on by wife to wind him up against the others. etc etc. The mother then starts a scene during a time when she knows she has an audience, brother is already primed to explode, husband is frustrated from all the crap and the whole thing launches successfully.

The guy's going to have to put down bounderies.
Mother should stop trying to make a dramatic scene to get husband to dislike his wife and shout at her.
Brother should keep his nose out in every way possible, then apply himself to finding more ways he can stay out of the wife-husband-mother relationship.
Wife shouldn't talk back rudely (to mother), she should stand for herself politely, or stay quiet. Better still husband should stand up for her so that she doesn't have to, she would then know that she can keep quiet and husband will sort it out when he gets home.
Guy should get over his emotional needs from his brother and try and get emtional fulfillment through wife.

Or better still move out.

Yeah.... the setup is desi...

During discussion, he mentioned that the mother thought everyone is gone. But anyway, I believe the assuming part was wrong & basis of this event.

He shud really put boundaries, that I didnt emphasized much to him. Also that wife shud trust him enuff to have her back while dealing with his family....

and this guy is more family orientated,. I mean he relocated with wife n kids due to family. So i think he is mo re into a whole family type thing. so might not be inclined to move out.

How wud he get his emotional fulfillment from wife ? coz wat i sensed is that his wife also have some attitude issue... hope I'm wrong !

Thanks for reply lkki ...

:jkk:

[Ikki]

Re: A conflict of home vs a couple ...

Yeah.... the setup is desi...

During discussion, he mentioned that the mother thought everyone is gone. But anyway, I believe the assuming part was wrong & basis of this event.

He shud really put boundaries, that I didnt emphasized much to him. Also that wife shud trust him enuff to have her back while dealing with his family....

and this guy is more family orientated,. I mean he relocated with wife n kids due to family. So i think he is mo re into a whole family type thing. so might not be inclined to move out.

How wud he get his emotional fulfillment from wife ? coz wat i sensed is that his wife also have some attitude issue... hope I'm wrong !

Thanks for reply lkki ...

:jkk:

Your probably not wrong, anyone in that situation would start having attitude problems. You find emotinally stable wives in emotinally stable households. Not in ones where anything you say and do is going to be amplified and displayed to an audience to get the maximum public shouting match at wife.

Maybe the wife doesn't trust the husband to stand up for her for a reason?

He can't make this whole happy family thing work if everyone else involved isn't going to sacrifice and tolerate also. That include mother and brother and anyone else living at home including himself and wife.
Wife should ignore mothers words, mother should ignore wife's words, it only work when it works both ways.

Brother should stay out of it and just tolerate.

Wife could maybe cook for everyone, seeing as it's only two extra people. Maybe this would bring harmony to the family. Or perhaps the mother is not willing to give up her hold on the kitchen?

You never really know what's going on in other people's houses. Only they know. Outsiders should only speak justly and fairly for all the parties, even the ones we don't hear from. Just tell you friend to keep good relations with all his family members, mother, wife, brother, children.

[Asma28]

Re: A conflict of home vs a couple ...

Ahh men and their tempers...

[Winter]

Re: A conflict of home vs a couple ...

At the end theres always two sides to a story, so we can't really know anything unless the mother, wife and brother have said their sides.

Anyways this is small things being stretch far too much, the wife may have a tone that she speaks in which the mother finds offensive? The mother also holds blame as she shouldn't be confronting his wife, as there relationship is only as in laws nothing more of course the wife will become a little hostile in that situation. The brother was just trying to reason with him I believe showing favouritism to the mother, but anyone in his shoe would've done that. This friend of yours needs to stay calm and not lose his cool. In ramadan I was at a lecture and one of the imam spoke about 9 doors to heaven and one we need to get through was the door of anger, so you can see how keep cooling is important as shown this brother is effecting a lot of relationship including his own daughters not long before she starts to fear him (for the wrong reason) and ends up lying etc.

From the looks of it he stays with his mother/brother? Can't he get his own accommodation that would defuse the situation a little and give space to both sides? This is why Allah (swt) protected us man by offering the right for a wife to have their own accommodation, so we can avoid these kind of situations.

Only we and the ones involved have control of their relationship at the end, but the brother needs to strike a balance and figure thing out without losing his head or things will only be worser for him and his family.

[_Sinner_]

Re: A conflict of home vs a couple ...

Ahh men and their tempers...

mmm, it wasnt all about temper...

:jkk:

[_Sinner_]

Re: A conflict of home vs a couple ...

Your probably not wrong, anyone in that situation would start having attitude problems. You find emotinally stable wives in emotinally stable households. Not in ones where anything you say and do is going to be amplified and displayed to an audience to get the maximum public shouting match at wife.

Maybe the wife doesn't trust the husband to stand up for her for a reason?

He can't make this whole happy family thing work if everyone else involved isn't going to sacrifice and tolerate also. That include mother and brother and anyone else living at home including himself and wife.
Wife should ignore mothers words, mother should ignore wife's words, it only work when it works both ways.

Brother should stay out of it and just tolerate.

Wife could maybe cook for everyone, seeing as it's only two extra people. Maybe this would bring harmony to the family. Or perhaps the mother is not willing to give up her hold on the kitchen?

You never really know what's going on in other people's houses. Only they know. Outsiders should only speak justly and fairly for all the parties, even the ones we don't hear from. Just tell you friend to keep good relations with all his family members, mother, wife, brother, children.

I agree. He might be stressing un-necessarily & might be alone in that to keep it all together.

Yeah, I kept my advice to him to a minimal level, only to his own self. To ignore the petty differences & help others do the same by occasionally talking to them.

I hope matters for him & his family smooth out fine..... :insha:

:jkk:

[_Sinner_]

Re: A conflict of home vs a couple ...

At the end theres always two sides to a story, so we can't really know anything unless the mother, wife and brother have said their sides.

Anyways this is small things being stretch far too much, the wife may have a tone that she speaks in which the mother finds offensive? The mother also holds blame as she shouldn't be confronting his wife, as there relationship is only as in laws nothing more of course the wife will become a little hostile in that situation. The brother was just trying to reason with him I believe showing favouritism to the mother, but anyone in his shoe would've done that. This friend of yours needs to stay calm and not lose his cool. In ramadan I was at a lecture and one of the imam spoke about 9 doors to heaven and one we need to get through was the door of anger, so you can see how keep cooling is important as shown this brother is effecting a lot of relationship including his own daughters not long before she starts to fear him (for the wrong reason) and ends up lying etc.

From the looks of it he stays with his mother/brother? Can't he get his own accommodation that would defuse the situation a little and give space to both sides? This is why Allah (swt) protected us man by offering the right for a wife to have their own accommodation, so we can avoid these kind of situations.

Only we and the ones involved have control of their relationship at the end, but the brother needs to strike a balance and figure thing out without losing his head or things will only be worser for him and his family.

Thats what I thought. That the only issue was mis-communication between mother , my friend & his wife....

& I believe his wife might be hostile due to some other allegations on her in past, i believe as once he mentioned. but attitude towards mother shud be taken care of. Even if only considered as an elder....

But I agree, shud remain calm while handling a stormy situation...

As I mentioned, he can get his own accommodation, but as his father is not alive & he is elder he is the elder of the house now.
& he relocated himself, wife n kids due to family.... So leaving will make matters worse for other mainly....

& I understand that his anger can result in her daughter lying to him due to fear .... I think that this point might stuck sense in him in controlling the anger further...

:jkk: for sharing the lecture brother. that anger issue will be good for me too .... :insha:

brother is unmarried & cranky lately. so Im stressing on my friend n his mother to fast track the search of proposals process....

:jkk:

[Zakaden]

Re: A conflict of home vs a couple ...

The thought of marrying and still living with parents and siblings gives me nightmares. I am glad this is not part of my culture.

[_Sinner_]

Re: A conflict of home vs a couple ...

The thought of marrying and still living with parents and siblings gives me nightmares. I am glad this is not part of my culture.

Than if you start comparing, we all might have nightmares abt few customs in cultures that are not our own ....

[Zakaden]

Re: A conflict of home vs a couple ...

Than if you start comparing, we all might have nightmares abt few customs in cultures that are not our own ....

That is very true. My culture is far from perfect.

Personally, I have a lot of brothers at home and would not feel comfortable with my wife living there. I have heard so many terrible stories about this kind of situation. Also parents and wives often don't get along if they live together from what I've seen. I think it is best to have some sort distance between wife and parents. Unless the parent(s) is elderly, ill or lonely and needs care.

[_Sinner_]

Re: A conflict of home vs a couple ...

That is very true. My culture is far from perfect.

Personally, I have a lot of brothers at home and would not feel comfortable with my wife living there. I have heard so many terrible stories about this kind of situation. Also parents and wives often don't get along if they live together from what I've seen. I think it is best to have some sort distance between wife and parents. Unless the parent(s) is elderly, ill or lonely and needs care.

Agree.. I wasnt much in favor of that the couple needs much distance, as per my situation & previously my friend's.

But as he discussed with me, my opinion somehow shifted to the idea of keeping some distance in-between. Even if in same house, there shud be some sort of division of responsibilities, to avoid any conflict ....

:jkk: