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  • The lack of good manners/courtesy/genuinity

    :salams:

    I'm shocked about the whole process and the courteousness that doesn't exist when exchanging information or even asking the groom's party questions that are important. I wouldn't describe the marriage search as difficult, I'd actually describe it as a NIGHTMARE. A HORRIBLE NEVER ENDING NIGHTMARE. And people are always the reason. It's a beautiful world, with corrupted beings filled with it.

    The wali's job is to find out where and who he's giving his daughter away to. So, why is it that the groom's party have to take it as an insult when you ask them general questions. We are not asking about your son's salary or about your sons past (we actually like to keep it civilised and polite). We are merely taking into consideration where she will 'disappear' off to after marriage. This is a huge responsibility, especially when dealing with strangers.

    Beating around the bush is always a bad sign, and doing it right from the start, even before the marriage has taken place is the worst sign ever. So, I'm fed up of this people that are acting like they have the upper hand. Just because we're from the girl's family does not mean that we are BANNED from asking questions.

    People don't want to admit that they are wrong. They think they are always right. I can't trust people, how can we move forward if there is no trust? I always have doubts about people. Not suspicion, just that feeling in my heart that something is wrong.

    This is not the first time this has happened. I won't ask where have all the good men gone? But I will ask you a very important question, where have all the GOOD PEOPLE gone? It's not even about marriage anymore, it's more about how rare it has become to even come across a good family.

    And on that note, I wish I was one of them. (patience)

    It's a scary world, but I didn't think I'd have to see it via searching for a blessing aka marriage. Instead we find arrogance, and kindness. Just fake, and dodgy communication from the other parties.

    :jkk:
    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

  • #2
    Re: The lack of good manners/courtesy/genuinity

    asalaamu alaykum. If you're dealing with a quiet type family, it might be they're just nervous and don't answer on the moment. They might be afraid of answering clearly because they usually discuss before making a final answer. Sometimes peoples nervousness can be mistaked for arrogance. (note: i'm only saying this based on a previous family u spoke about on the forum.)
    visit this free Muslim marriage agency thats only for practising Muslims! >> www.puremuslimmatch.com

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    • #3
      Re: The lack of good manners/courtesy/genuinity

      Positive note to self and others :


      Sometimes it's best to keep personal family matters away from the forum, especially if it's just a matter of you highlighting a few errors/misconduct.

      Just my two cents.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: The lack of good manners/courtesy/genuinity

        :wswrwb:

        What did you ask them?
        Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

        "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
        - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

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        • #5
          Re: The lack of good manners/courtesy/genuinity

          Do you guys not have a bio data concept in the UK? It helps in weeding people off.

          Do not invest your hopes in anyone but Allah and do not fear anything but the consequences and repercussions of your sins!

          Uthmaan R.A

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          • #6
            Re: The lack of good manners/courtesy/genuinity

            Originally posted by Sheikh_Google View Post
            Do you guys not have a bio data concept in the UK? It helps in weeding people off.
            No. But it's starting to sound like a good idea. You don't waste each others time because you know the basics.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: The lack of good manners/courtesy/genuinity

              My sister got a proposal recently, and all went well until we started asking about his backgroun.
              the lady bringin the talk was really cagey about his details and we know why. when we finally got his written details - turn out he is divorced wtih kids.

              Now as far as divorce goes, mom is cool with her marrying someone who is divorced. She just wouldnt want her marrying someone with kids BUT it made me angry that this information didnt come until weeks later.

              The lady was calling me up and telling me to speak to my sister. WHY should i convince my sister if my mother is saying NO.
              and actually would i want my sister marrying into a famiy who chose not to disclose such an important bit of information

              And yasin - i know what you mean.
              and your right, when your looking into marriage, its key to give as much information as yoiu can about one another.
              Ibnul Qayyim رحمه الله said: "Don’t ruin your happiness with worry, and don’t ruin your mind with pessimism. Don’t ruin your success with deception and don’t ruin the optimism of others by destroying it. Don’t ruin your day by looking back at yesterday.
              __________________________________________________ _____________________________
              If you think about your situation, you will find that Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) has given you things without asking, so have trust in Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) that He doesn’t prevent anything you want except there is goodness for you.

              You could be sleeping and the doors of the heavens are being opened with dua’as being made on your behalf, SubhanAllaah: perhaps from someone poor whom you helped, or someone sad whom you brought joy, or someone passing by and you smiled at him, or someone in distress and you removed it.. so don’t ever underestimate any good deeds."



              please donate to the Ummah forum sadaqa jariya project. Click on the link for for more information, and to make a donation- https://www.justgiving.com/sadaqah-jariyah-project/

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              • #8
                Re: The lack of good manners/courtesy/genuinity

                everybody is bad, or rather the majority. there are no good people in the world. it's all messed up. what's worse is that the good people don't come into contact with each other.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: The lack of good manners/courtesy/genuinity

                  Originally posted by umm salabil View Post
                  everybody is bad, or rather the majority. there are no good people in the world. it's all messed up. what's worse is that the good people don't come into contact with each other.
                  naaaahh
                  thats a bit strong isn't it
                  Ibnul Qayyim رحمه الله said: "Don’t ruin your happiness with worry, and don’t ruin your mind with pessimism. Don’t ruin your success with deception and don’t ruin the optimism of others by destroying it. Don’t ruin your day by looking back at yesterday.
                  __________________________________________________ _____________________________
                  If you think about your situation, you will find that Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) has given you things without asking, so have trust in Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) that He doesn’t prevent anything you want except there is goodness for you.

                  You could be sleeping and the doors of the heavens are being opened with dua’as being made on your behalf, SubhanAllaah: perhaps from someone poor whom you helped, or someone sad whom you brought joy, or someone passing by and you smiled at him, or someone in distress and you removed it.. so don’t ever underestimate any good deeds."



                  please donate to the Ummah forum sadaqa jariya project. Click on the link for for more information, and to make a donation- https://www.justgiving.com/sadaqah-jariyah-project/

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: The lack of good manners/courtesy/genuinity

                    Yasin marry a srilankan ,we are very flexible.

                    Youtube channel - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYk...dE4pHzSid7Lr0w

                    **** Smiling won't cost you now is it ****

                    Zawjati ,“Uhibbuki mithla mâ antę” “Uhibbuki kaifamâ kunteee”“Wa mahmâ kâna mahma sâra”

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                    • #11
                      Re: The lack of good manners/courtesy/genuinity

                      Originally posted by muzzybee View Post
                      Yasin marry a srilankan ,we are very flexible.
                      South East Asians are very flexible too :)
                      ~ Don’t trade a house in Jannah :insha:, for a lowly house in this transient world ~

                      They want to extinguish the light of Allah with their mouths, but Allah will perfect His light, although the disbelievers dislike it (61 : 8)

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                      • #12
                        Re: The lack of good manners/courtesy/genuinity

                        Originally posted by Mockingjay View Post
                        South East Asians are very flexible too :)
                        Lol indeed

                        Youtube channel - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYk...dE4pHzSid7Lr0w

                        **** Smiling won't cost you now is it ****

                        Zawjati ,“Uhibbuki mithla mâ antę” “Uhibbuki kaifamâ kunteee”“Wa mahmâ kâna mahma sâra”

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: The lack of good manners/courtesy/genuinity

                          There is a lot of nonsense that goes on ukthi. ALOT

                          But exemplify good behaviour by doing sabr on all accounts, and rather than highlighting bad points make excuses when and where you can and dealing with the nonsense that comes your way with immense forbearance

                          Allah swt knows, cares, even if no one in the world knows and believe you me he WILL reward you insha'allah
                          وَالْعَصْرِ

                          إِنَّ الْإِنسَانَ لَفِي خُسْرٍ

                          إِلَّا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَعَمِلُوا الصَّالِحَاتِ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالْحَقِّ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالصَّبْرِ

                          "If Allah (swt) only sent this Surah to us, for the guidance of Mankind, this will be enough for us” - Imam Shaafi'ee r.a.

                          "Yeh dunya daar e faani hain, Tum apna dil mat lagaon, Ganimat samaj zinadagee ki bahar, aana na hoga, yahaa baar baar......"

                          Khanqah Habibiyah

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                          • #14
                            Re: The lack of good manners/courtesy/genuinity

                            This is one reason why initial proposal talk should be kept away from bride/groom and handled by parents only. There are lot of mismatch out there & it is the wali job to verify information before letting the guy/girl meet each other. There is no point stressing bride/groom out with these useless proposal.

                            My mom use to share every wind she got about proposals with me. Sometimes she will share speculation with me "oh bla bla bla seem to ask question about you, I think they will propose" & it was so frustrating. Often times when there was bad match, I would voice my opinion right away and end up in a big fight with mom only to find out the proposal never materialized anyway. of course she blamed it on me and my ill wish not to get married to this person and this is why Allah took it away, it wasn't right for me and others realize. After few years I learned to ignore what my mom says and keep my mouth shut until there is a guy scheduled to come meet me. Before than its just talk. Sis you need to stay away from this type of talk or getting involved in such. I wish our parents had more friends they trust so they can share this type of "potential" talk with friends/family other than their kids. But most of our mom spent their entire life taking care of kids and see their adult kids as their friend. But it takes it toll.

                            I once had a proposal from a guy who I was told was single/never married. His sis asked me out to lunch one day during initial talk & told me how he got married back home but the girl had bf and he ended up divorcing a week after she arrived in USA. It was clear she cares for her brother a lot but all I could think was YOU LIED. Education has been another area most people lie about

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                            • #15
                              Re: The lack of good manners/courtesy/genuinity

                              :salams:

                              :jkk:

                              All talks are being exchanged between the wali and the groom's father direct.

                              This has always been the norm. My parents deal with the communication. Unless it's time for the face to face meeting when both potentials meet each other just to see if they would like to go forward.

                              If my parents are stressed out, of course I'll get stressed. This is my life we are talking about. I'll have to live with this family and try my best to avoid any separation. I have to be the one that suffers here, I'm the woman. It'll only get harder. And it's not my parents at all, it's THEM, the people that I am considering as my new family. My dad has always been a good man in his conduct. He sees it as an important thing to talk to people with good manners, my mum also, She has even told me to treat my in laws nicely and to do my part as the daughter in law.

                              That's exactly what I mean Muslimah London. People don't seem to be up front. They hide information. And when you ask them who lives in the house? They take it the wrong way. I need to know if I should prepare myself to wear the hijab 24/7.

                              Most of the time when my wali has a conversation over the phone I hear that conversation, because I want to be involved. And I was very surprised as to how the father of the other side reacted. As I have said, this is not the first time. More and more people seem to be hidings things, But why?

                              They were not nervous at all.

                              They're all the same so far.

                              Sorry, I was annoyed and I'm just fed up. I have to deal with it I know.
                              'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                              So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                              Comment

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