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starting to give up on finding a spouse in the west. maybe time to go home?

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  • starting to give up on finding a spouse in the west. maybe time to go home?

    now i'm not trying to generalize but just speaking from my experience and what i have witnessed around me for the past 6-8 months. and i already know a few people who were looking in the west, but they decided to go back home to get married because people here were too demanding. i don't know if it's luck or what, but the people we've across have been very demanding. and that too in the wrong department. as u know women these days in the west are highly educated, have great jobs, and live a good life. and when they're looking for guys, they want someone who can live up to their expectations. so it seems like having a bachelors degree and a good stable job isn't good enough. since the girl has done masters, or phd, the guy should also be highly educated. now i have no problem if my wife makes more money or is better educated than me. i have a problem when she thinks she's better than me because of it and will taunt me later. having the girls respect is very important for us guys. and seems like these women look down on u since they're independent, more educated, make more money etc. and what i've noticed is these people doing the rejection are around 24-26, so they are mature and know what they want. they probably approach the rishta as a business deal and think they have better things to offer so why should they marry someone underneath them. i always wanted to marry someone from the states. and i'm sure there are plenty of good sisters here. but seems like all the people we've across are very similar. and some of these folks go to mosque. they have really high expectations from the guys. i didn't finish my uni in 4 years so that's a problem. i only have bachelors, and not masters or phd, thats a problem. girls used to follow wherever their husband would go and be on his team. but these days the girl wants me to change my world and environment, follow her to where she is, and follow her educational and professional goals and dreams. i know girls back home will have their own issues. but i feel they won't be as picky, be team players, and will respect me. also i will have more options there since i'm an educated us citizen who makes pretty good money. i don't know the purpose of this thread, but just wanted to share my thoughts.
    Last edited by hassaan561; 17-11-14, 03:30 PM.

  • #2
    Re: starting to give up on finding a spouse in the west. maybe time to go home?

    If you are only going to get married after a few years because of studying then you still have time to look for a spouse around where you are.
    “Mix with the noble people, you become one of them; and keep away from evil people so that you protect yourself from their evils.”


    Hadhrat Ali (Radiallahu anhu)

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    • #3
      Re: starting to give up on finding a spouse in the west. maybe time to go home?

      Marriage is a business. Its give and take. What you have to offer vs. what she has to offer? That is the entire marriage business. The only thing that tips the balance is when you come across a person who values something you have to offer at higher level than you value it yourself.

      Your passport means nothing to you & nor does it mean much to a girl holding the same passport as you. So you have zero point there. But someone in East will put that at high value and give you 60% points on what you have to offer but you didn't have to do anything. On other hand if you meet a girl in UK who is on the verge of going back home to get married because its too difficult here, she will place your passport value at 40% because she doesn't have to go back home. The same goes for looks or family lineage, you might not place much value on it because it is what it is, you didn't earn it but others might place more value on it.

      Find a girl who will value the simple things you have. Doesn't matter where she is from

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      • #4
        Re: starting to give up on finding a spouse in the west. maybe time to go home?

        Originally posted by Sky Lark View Post
        If you are only going to get married after a few years because of studying then you still have time to look for a spouse around where you are.
        huh?

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: starting to give up on finding a spouse in the west. maybe time to go home?

          Originally posted by Kya View Post
          Marriage is a business. Its give and take. What you have to offer vs. what she has to offer? That is the entire marriage business. The only thing that tips the balance is when you come across a person who values something you have to offer at higher level than you value it yourself.

          Your passport means nothing to you & nor does it mean much to a girl holding the same passport as you. So you have zero point there. But someone in East will put that at high value and give you 60% points on what you have to offer but you didn't have to do anything. On other hand if you meet a girl in UK who is on the verge of going back home to get married because its too difficult here, she will place your passport value at 40% because she doesn't have to go back home. The same goes for looks or family lineage, you might not place much value on it because it is what it is, you didn't earn it but others might place more value on it.

          Find a girl who will value the simple things you have. Doesn't matter where she is from
          yes ur right. i don't want a girl to marry me because of my passport etc. i want her to marry me because she likes me for who i am. and i agree, marriage is a business. but i feel people are looking at the wrong things. some questions they ask are just rude and awkward. i don't go in too much detail about the person or their family.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: starting to give up on finding a spouse in the west. maybe time to go home?

            Istikhara bro. Its what it was designed for.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: starting to give up on finding a spouse in the west. maybe time to go home?

              Originally posted by hassaan561 View Post
              now i'm not trying to generalize but just speaking from my experience and what i have witnessed around me for the past 6-8 months. and i already know a few people who were looking in the west, but they decided to go back home to get married because people here were too demanding. i don't know if it's luck or what, but the people we've across have been very demanding. and that too in the wrong department. as u know women these days in the west are highly educated, have great jobs, and live a good life. and when they're looking for guys, they want someone who can live up to their expectations. so it seems like having a bachelors degree and a good stable job isn't good enough. since the girl has done masters, or phd, the guy should also be highly educated. now i have no problem if my wife makes more money or is better educated than me. i have a problem when she thinks she's better than me because of it and will taunt me later. having the girls respect is very important for us guys. and seems like these women look down on u since they're independent, more educated, make more money etc. and what i've noticed is these people doing the rejection are around 24-26, so they are mature and know what they want. they probably approach the rishta as a business deal and think they have better things to offer so why should they marry someone underneath them. i always wanted to marry someone from the states. and i'm sure there are plenty of good sisters here. but seems like all the people we've across are very similar. and some of these folks go to mosque. they have really high expectations from the guys. i didn't finish my uni in 4 years so that's a problem. i only have bachelors, and not masters or phd, thats a problem. girls used to follow wherever their husband would go and be on his team. but these days the girl wants me to change my world and environment, follow her to where she is, and follow her educational and professional goals and dreams. i know girls back home will have their own issues. but i feel they won't be as picky, be team players, and will respect me. also i will have more options there since i'm an educated us citizen who makes pretty good money. i don't know the purpose of this thread, but just wanted to share my thoughts.
              wth dood ?!! just yesterday you were almost married with 2 girls and now you seem like you lost your momentum.
              Dood, remember the plan you taught me yesterday. and i quote" I think i should start doing like you too m8.
              Pick 1, talk to her, decided yes or no. If YES, move to next target, rinse repeat.

              ofcourse untill 4. "

              How can you back out of it man. East or west, we determined men are the same.. so dont worry and go get em. Be it murican girl or be it japonese girl.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: starting to give up on finding a spouse in the west. maybe time to go home?

                Originally posted by Anti-Mage View Post
                wth dood ?!! just yesterday you were almost married with 2 girls and now you seem like you lost your momentum.
                Dood, remember the plan you taught me yesterday. and i quote" I think i should start doing like you too m8.
                Pick 1, talk to her, decided yes or no. If YES, move to next target, rinse repeat.

                ofcourse untill 4. "

                How can you back out of it man. East or west, we determined men are the same.. so dont worry and go get em. Be it murican girl or be it japonese girl.
                lol women can do that to a brother. have them one cloud 9 one day and next day feel like crap. but ya, we all gotta stick to the game plan

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: starting to give up on finding a spouse in the west. maybe time to go home?

                  Correct me if I'm wrong but didn't you also make a thread about how eastern women were mostly after materialistic value?
                  Allah gave us two ears and one mouth, so we can listen more and talk less.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: starting to give up on finding a spouse in the west. maybe time to go home?

                    Originally posted by hassaan561 View Post
                    yes ur right. i don't want a girl to marry me because of my passport etc. i want her to marry me because she likes me for who i am.

                    Who are you and what is she suppose to like about you? What is wrong with her liking the fact that you have a passport. That is part of you too, just like you having an education or having a job is part of you or the fact that you might have hair or be fat/skinny are all part of you. No one is going to like you as much as you like yourself or your parents do. Everyone regardless of EAst vs. West will like some part of you and not like other part of you. Does it really matter which part they like as long as they like something about you? Maybe not 1 thing but few things. Does it matter if a girl likes your family status vs. likes your passport? you didn't work to attain either of them. Does it matter if a girl likes you for your height vs your fair skin? neither are your work ....... Don't analyze why someone likes you or might not like you

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: starting to give up on finding a spouse in the west. maybe time to go home?

                      Originally posted by Plumeria View Post
                      Correct me if I'm wrong but didn't you also make a thread about how eastern women were mostly after materialistic value?
                      i don't think so. i did say i don't want someone to marry me for my passport. materialistic people are everywhere. maybe more in the west because they already live a lifestyle where they have a nice house, nice car etc. so they want to keep up with their standard of living and lifestyle.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: starting to give up on finding a spouse in the west. maybe time to go home?

                        Originally posted by Kya View Post
                        Who are you and what is she suppose to like about you? What is wrong with her liking the fact that you have a passport. That is part of you too, just like you having an education or having a job is part of you or the fact that you might have hair or be fat/skinny are all part of you. No one is going to like you as much as you like yourself or your parents do. Everyone regardless of EAst vs. West will like some part of you and not like other part of you. Does it really matter which part they like as long as they like something about you? Maybe not 1 thing but few things. Does it matter if a girl likes your family status vs. likes your passport? you didn't work to attain either of them. Does it matter if a girl likes you for your height vs your fair skin? neither are your work ....... Don't analyze why someone likes you or might not like you
                        yes it does matter. u want a guy who likes u for who u are on the inside(character,religion,persoanlity). not because ur skinny, or have fair skin etc, or look a certain way. that will make the guy shallow. once you get over the looks, you'll realize u dont have anything in common because u didn't look at the right things.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: starting to give up on finding a spouse in the west. maybe time to go home?

                          Well at least you tried, so I don't blame you.

                          But if you think going back home is best for you then you do what you have to do bro.

                          You know people will say there's problems back home too, but the beauty of back home is how easy it is to find a spouse. Even if you come across sisters who lack deen if you're on your game you can guide them and make them better Muslims.

                          As human beings we love doing things the easy way, so weigh up your options and do what's more convenient for you.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: starting to give up on finding a spouse in the west. maybe time to go home?

                            Its not always up to the girls tho. I've seen many girls overlook degree for guys, but its mainly the parents who have that as a criteria, some will overlook it if they or someone close to them knows you, but if they know little to nothing about you then yes they'll be picky about it. There have been stories were wives were the ones running the household, making payments, etc. Thats why it is to an extent justifiable.

                            The problem is how some parents believe a degree or financial security means their son/daughters will live a happily marriage life, which is false, but at the same time no one will know your character, personality and deen till after marriage, unless like I said if its in the family, close friends or known through someone reliable.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: starting to give up on finding a spouse in the west. maybe time to go home?

                              Originally posted by Winter View Post
                              Its not always up to the girls tho. I've seen many girls overlook degree for guys, but its mainly the parents who have that as a criteria, some will overlook it if they or someone close to them knows you, but if they know little to nothing about you then yes they'll be picky about it. There have been stories were wives were the ones running the household, making payments, etc. Thats why it is to an extent justifiable.

                              The problem is how some parents believe a degree or financial security means their son/daughters will live a happily marriage life, which is false, but at the same time no one will know your character, personality and deen till after marriage, unless like I said if its in the family, close friends or known through someone reliable.
                              actually ur right. the girl will look at your religion, personality, and see if there is a connection. when parents enter the picture, they start looking at your material things such as degree, job, status, money etc. and they basically tell the daughter that u shouldn't go ahead. and start being picky and think they can predict or see the future.

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