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  • "Yes, He is Our Husband"- A Second Wife

    :salams

    I don't want any polygamy arguments please. Just wanted to share this beautiful and unique story of co-wives treating each other like sisters.

    Based on the author’s request, names and personal details are withheld to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.





    "“So we will expect you this evening,” she said happily as she put the phone down. I turned to my husband and said, “K has invited me for dinner tonight with some of her friends.” He looked up from his work, smiled and said unconcerned, “That’s nice. OK,” and carried on working.

    K is the same age as me; she is a beautiful and talented woman and is my husband’s first wife. The dinner invitation was to celebrate his second marriage - to me.

    As a child my mother had regularly held up the wives of Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) as examples of the best women in their behavior and lifestyle, and I carried the images of these women around in my head.

    Onislam.net's Family page team is conducting a point counter-point between Muslim wives to reflect on their personal vision about polygamy. In a previous article we published a thought of an Egyptian wife who refuses the concept of having a second wife:

    “I won’t let my husband have a second wife!”
    We want to hear more from our readers. Share your views and contributions by e-mailing the editor.

    Of course being married to the same man was a challenge to Prophet’s wives, but they never had their behavior contravening the rule of justice and the rights of each other. All were ‘equal’ wives, no matter who was older or more educated or had been married the longest.

    I was daily fascinated by their sisterhood and made prayers that one day I could revive just one such Sunnah - little realizing what the future might hold – some twenty years later.

    It is strange to see people proclaiming adherence to religion and justice but when faced with a personal challenge like this they suddenly claim “multiple marriage was all meant for the Prophet’s companions” and that “We can not live the religion the way they did so we should not try at all to emulate their example” . These words of ignorance more often come from educated women who know the core of religion but do not love it more than they love themselves - living off the religion not by it.

    These women do not realize they are not liberated but imprisoned by their own insecurity.

    My parents had always taught us “Live the justice, speak it even if people do not like it, take your rights from Allah without fear and He will protect you. Don’t just talk about it – live it.” So for me religion is simple and uncomplicated. As long as we kept our ego in check, there was liberty and joy in this life and in the hereafter. I lived these words the day I agreed to marry my husband.

    When I Met My Husband’s First Wife

    The proposal was not without conditions from my side – The first question I asked my husband was, “Do you love your first wife? Because if you don’t it is better you work on your marriage rather than ignore it and get married again?” My husband replied, “I love my wife very much, indeed I can never forget the sacrifices she has made for me throughout her life and all her support during very difficult times. I am not marrying you because there is a problem; she is the best of wives for me.” I was relieved – this was the most important issue out of the way.

    Trust_in_Marriage_Small
    The first question I asked my husband was, “Do you love your first wife? Because if you don’t it is better you work on your marriage rather than ignore it and get married again?”
    We went on to consider the practicalities of implementing the sunnah; separate living arrangements and our potential Sharia obligations to each other as husband and wife and Sharia considerations if any, between wives. It was all so clearly laid out in the Sunnah before us, so simple – such is the generosity of Allah, the Almighty. And so it began…

    K met me at the gate as I stepped out of the taxi outside her home, “Welcome” she said and hugged me, taking my hand and leading me in to the house. The room was bright with colors and women, all eyeing me somewhere between smiles - friendship towards me and formality - loyalty to K.

    But K was totally unaware of this. I passed her some gifts and she smiled broadly opening them showing her friends with delight.

    Protectively she sat next to me throughout the night – pouring my drinks and serving me food and telling the women to do the same. I was the ‘chief guest’ she told me. It was a strange feeling that when she left the room briefly, I felt lonely amongst these women and as kind as they were to me, I desperately wanted her to return. This is a feeling that whenever we are together has remained.

    When K is in the room and not sitting beside me – I feel emptiness, as if my ‘shield’ is missing. K brought in tea and I turned to her with my last few spoonfuls of dessert and we sat on the floor with me feeding her while she attended to the needs of the guests between mouthfuls - finishing the dessert together.

    The other women watched us in amusement and confusion. That night, she waved me off in the taxi and I can recollect her image now as she stood there outside her home thanking me for coming, surrounded by her family – the beginning of something that I was to somehow be part of. It was not expected of me in a formal way but because K saw me as a sister in Islam and I held the visions of those wives in my heart and mind as I waved goodbye.

    I have been to her home many, many times since then and this image remains deep in my mind.

    We are like a set of scales – the three of us, my husband, his first wife, and me as the weighing plates – because it is we who keep our husband in the balance!

    In this way our happiness lies in each other’s good works, care and love and so is constantly reinforced, because a good wife protects her husband from wrong doing.

    K has many names for me – all depending on what role she is playing. Sometimes I am her daughter, sometimes her sister, sometimes she calls me by my professional title, sometimes a scholar but always a friend.

    I know whenever I achieve anything she will be the most proud of what her sister has done and so I always tell my husband “Please don’t tell K I want to tell her myself” because I love to see the joy on her face .

    Like a child I want her approval and as a woman I want her to share my success as only another woman can understand.

    We have many names for our husband too, when we talk about individual needs and rights, we say ‘My husband’; when we talk to family and friends he is ‘Our husband;’ and when he is in trouble he is ‘Your husband!’

    I wonder if there is something wrong in the way we are because it seems so unusual to love one’s husband’s other wife so much. But no matter how we try to formalize our relationship and protect it through distance, Allah brings us closer together.

    My Father and My Husband’s First Wife

    Here my father is our greatest supporter with the joy and happiness he feels at our sisterhood. Whenever we speak, he will always ask me first “How is your sister” and then “How is your husband?”

    I am so proud of him, that in his old age he is able to support us in this blessed Sunnah in a way which no one except a father’s concern for his daughter’s happiness can understand and he tells me “She is also my daughter” and I feel so happy that he thinks in this way.

    My father is always a just person, reminding us to be good to each other. He laughs out loud when I tell him my husband is in trouble with K because of something he has said to upset me.

    My father always makes du`aa’ for my husband’s first wife. I feel it is his du`aa’ that has made this relationship so special. K believes this too because she regularly tells me she prays for my parents – as I pray for hers.

    It is unusual for me to have a conversation these days without mentioning her.

    Indeed, one day I was telling a friend that my husband was on holiday with my sister K; my friend was rather disturbed that I had allowed my husband to go away with my sister. I quickly explained she was his wife and my friend laughed shaking her head, “You talk about her so much I thought she was your actual sister I never realized she was your husband’s first wife!”

    I have often just sat and watched K’s face while she is working or sharing her life with me or shouting at her children and I feel in awe of her. She is so careful and cautious, yet so carefree and relaxed. She is so focused, yet so impulsive. She is so thoughtful, wise and so concerned.

    She is My Teacher

    It’s true to say that she, along with many of my friends, has taught me how to be a wife and has protected my marriage as much as her own but within the appropriate boundaries.

    She is possessive over me when I am upset, she encourages me when I want to do things in my life and she is severe with me when I want to give up – she is always there for me. I love whenever I make du`aa’ for her and her husband to be together in this life and in the Hereafter how she always says “With you.”

    I have often wished that my mother – were she alive – could have met K and that I had known her when I was younger. Not because she is my husband’s other wife but because she is in herself a remarkable woman.

    One day at a party K and I were talking and I was wearing a ring of my mother’s which I took off and gave to K, with tears in her eyes she took it and put it on her finger. I notice how often when I come to visit or we go out together she especially puts it on.

    We Enjoy Freedom

    Of course we are clear with our boundaries and we agree that we should each feel the freedom to be husband and wife within the boundaries of our religion.

    Yes, we live our own lives, we have our privacy with our husband but we cherish our own sisterhood equally. We do our utmost to protect our relationship from our husband and friends as much as we do for our individual marriages.

    Of course when we are together, we do not cross the Islamic boundaries of conversation about our personal relationship with our husband. Both practically and psychologically there is clear boundary.

    The only sadness that K and I share is about those women who feel unhappy that we are so close, who feel threatened at our example fearing that if their husbands may see us happy, worry that they will also take their right and re- marry. This is the sad state of sisterhood for some Muslim women – who fear harm by their own lack of faith, so start the (co –wife) relationship by harming first.

    They forget that while they have power over the other wife they lose respect in the eyes of their husband and clearly do not fear Allah swt. But K and I agree that a good friend is one who is happy when you do good whatever that is and no matter who it affects.

    I could write many pages about all K has done for me. I was a stranger in the land in which I was married and I can not count all the times she has been there for me, all the times she has supported me against her own friends, all the times she has just cared, put her arm around me and wiped my tears and enjoyed my laughter.

    I need only sneeze and she will send me a remedy for flu. I need only sound sad and she will come and see me or shout at my husband for me! I will only mention I am tired and she will volunteer one of her children to come and ‘serve’ me as she puts it. My husband and I call her Mudirah (Director) – a perfect title for her because with her energy and love she organizes us all..

    When we were married I said to my husband that I hope when you marry me you will appreciate what a wonderful wife you already have and I hope that in my presence you will realize this about her – I think K has – without need and without doubt – proved this to be true.

    I feel in many respects more fulfilled in my marriage because of her – as a woman she knows what women face, the challenges, the expectations and injustices and she is always there fighting my corner, no matter who the opponent.

    She is in my mind throughout the day as we live our own lives and when I pray I wonder if she has prayed and when I clean I wonder if she is cleaning also and I picture her busy in her home all day with jobs and children.

    She tells me when she prays she thinks the same and when she eats always sets aside some food for me before her husband and children to send to me when my husband comes. She does not know how many times she has had my heart’s du`aa’ for feeding me over the time we have known each other. Her reason is she says, because “I will have to account to Allah on the Last day for how I treated my sister.”

    For me, this is Iman (faith).

    It is truly a miracle from Allah when one wife can say that one of the greatest blessings of her marriage is her husband’s other wife.

    May Allah bless My K., Allah protect her, raise her in honor, grant her endless peace and happiness with her husband and keep them both for each other; and most of all keep her for me."
    Last edited by |Abdur Raheem|; 15-11-14, 06:21 PM.
    [SIZE=4][COLOR="#FF0000"][FONT=Book Antiqua][CENTER][B][URL="http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?459504-Immensely-rewarding-dhikr!!!&highlight="]IMMENSELY REWARDING DHIKR!!![/URL][/B][/CENTER][/FONT][/COLOR][/SIZE]

    [FONT=Book Antiqua][SIZE=4][COLOR="#2F4F4F"][CENTER]Before you post, think..."Will this help me when I stand before Allah?" If it doesn't, then you're wasting time....[/CENTER][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

  • #2
    Re: "Yes, He is Our Husband"- A Second Wife

    Nice read. Thank you
    [B][CENTER]Please keep me in your Dua'a. in'shaa'Allah ![/CENTER][/B]

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: "Yes, He is Our Husband"- A Second Wife

      Awesome thread for men. Thanks but didn't find it beautiful at all. The thought of being a robot does not appeal to me.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: "Yes, He is Our Husband"- A Second Wife

        Originally posted by one_justice View Post
        Awesome thread for men. Thanks but didn't find it beautiful at all. The thought of being a robot does not appeal to me.
        i'm not sure how you got the impression of someone being a robot from this?

        personally i found it a beautiful read. i wish that all who entered into polygyny had such wonderful experiences. masha'allah, it sounds like they have a strong, beautiful marriage. thank you brother abdur raheem for sharing this.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: "Yes, He is Our Husband"- A Second Wife

          As a man.

          I didn't find it beautiful at all.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: "Yes, He is Our Husband"- A Second Wife

            I did not read, but still found it beautiful.

            Youtube channel - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYk...dE4pHzSid7Lr0w

            **** Smiling won't cost you now is it ****

            Zawjati ,“Uhibbuki mithla mâ antê” “Uhibbuki kaifamâ kunteee”“Wa mahmâ kâna mahma sâra”

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: "Yes, He is Our Husband"- A Second Wife

              Originally posted by muzzybee View Post
              I did not read, but still found it beautiful.
              Lmao so true.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: "Yes, He is Our Husband"- A Second Wife

                Originally posted by amatullahniqabi View Post
                i'm not sure how you got the impression of someone being a robot from this?

                personally i found it a beautiful read. i wish that all who entered into polygyny had such wonderful experiences. masha'allah, it sounds like they have a strong, beautiful marriage. thank you brother abdur raheem for sharing this.
                It's the usual disregard for the woman's feelings when having to share her husband. It's all about her having to struggle and strive to make him happy. Paint a happy, rose-tinted and mostly unnatural picture to show Muslim women that this is the right way, if you want to be a good, little muslimah. I just find this condescending, as if a woman does not know her own mind. So what, if this one-in-a-million situation had the co-wive's giving each other daily foot rubs. It does not represent the reality for most. The vast majority of women going into polygamy with this view will be very disappointed.

                Here is a story from me, about a family I know very well. Husband decided he wanted second wife. First wife seeing through the rose-tinted goggles and burdened by insecurities of 'not being enough' not only agrees to it, but she also decides to find him someone. She finds a divorcee with no prospects in her culture for further marriage and hooks the marriage up (how lovely). She dresses herself and the kids up, and they party party party at the wedding. The wives live side by side. All the brothers in the community speak of her 'piety', constantly slipping it in to the dinner conversations with their own wives (most of whom just roll their eyes). Fastforward six months. The wives are no longer living side by side, following an incident in which they beat each other up with pots. They hate each other. Fastforward 15 years down the line and even their children, brothers and sisters, are upholding no contact like it's a restraining order. They haven't even met each other.

                That is the reality of polygamy I've seen. So all I have to say to the likes of this thread is :vomit:

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: "Yes, He is Our Husband"- A Second Wife

                  Originally posted by one_justice View Post
                  It's the usual disregard for the woman's feelings when having to share her husband. It's all about her having to struggle and strive to make him happy. Paint a happy, rose-tinted and mostly unnatural picture to show Muslim women that this is the right way, if you want to be a good, little muslimah. I just find this condescending, as if a woman does not know her own mind. So what, if this one-in-a-million situation had the co-wive's giving each other daily foot rubs. It does not represent the reality for most. The vast majority of women going into polygamy with this view will be very disappointed.

                  Here is a story from me, about a family I know very well. Husband decided he wanted second wife. First wife seeing through the rose-tinted goggles and burdened by insecurities of 'not being enough' not only agrees to it, but she also decides to find him someone. She finds a divorcee with no prospects in her culture for further marriage and hooks the marriage up (how lovely). She dresses herself and the kids up, and they party party party at the wedding. The wives live side by side. All the brothers in the community speak of her 'piety', constantly slipping it in to the dinner conversations with their own wives (most of whom just roll their eyes). Fastforward six months. The wives are no longer living side by side, following an incident in which they beat each other up with pots. They hate each other. Fastforward 15 years down the line and even their children, brothers and sisters, are upholding no contact like it's a restraining order. They haven't even met each other.

                  That is the reality of polygamy I've seen. So all I have to say to the likes of this thread is :vomit:
                  Speak for yourself. You are a women, its natural for you to be jealous of men being allowed to marry four wives. Your experiences with polygamy are just that, your experiences.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: "Yes, He is Our Husband"- A Second Wife

                    Originally posted by one_justice View Post
                    It's the usual disregard for the woman's feelings when having to share her husband. It's all about her having to struggle and strive to make him happy. Paint a happy, rose-tinted and mostly unnatural picture to show Muslim women that this is the right way, if you want to be a good, little muslimah. I just find this condescending, as if a woman does not know her own mind. So what, if this one-in-a-million situation had the co-wive's giving each other daily foot rubs. It does not represent the reality for most. The vast majority of women going into polygamy with this view will be very disappointed.

                    Here is a story from me, about a family I know very well. Husband decided he wanted second wife. First wife seeing through the rose-tinted goggles and burdened by insecurities of 'not being enough' not only agrees to it, but she also decides to find him someone. She finds a divorcee with no prospects in her culture for further marriage and hooks the marriage up (how lovely). She dresses herself and the kids up, and they party party party at the wedding. The wives live side by side. All the brothers in the community speak of her 'piety', constantly slipping it in to the dinner conversations with their own wives (most of whom just roll their eyes). Fastforward six months. The wives are no longer living side by side, following an incident in which they beat each other up with pots. They hate each other. Fastforward 15 years down the line and even their children, brothers and sisters, are upholding no contact like it's a restraining order. They haven't even met each other.

                    That is the reality of polygamy I've seen. So all I have to say to the likes of this thread is :vomit:
                    i suppose if one considers this story as some sort of ruling on polygyny in general, or as an example to women to shut up and get in line, then yes, that's upsetting - i personally didn't, because the story is not supposed to be representative of all polygyny (it is actually a part of a series of stories representing many different aspects of polygyny from what i found from searching - some of the other articles in the series are very, very negative).

                    for some people, polygyny is awful. for some it is beautiful. for most it is somewhere in the middle. i have personally witnessed both good and bad examples...for every bad anecdote there is a good one to counterbalance, and for every good anecdote there is a bad one to counterbalance. just because there are some people who have had awful experiences does not invalidate the positive individual experiences of others. this particular article is not holding itself up as a model or a generalization of how polygyny is for everyone. it is just one family.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: "Yes, He is Our Husband"- A Second Wife

                      Originally posted by Abu-Mohamed View Post
                      Speak for yourself. You are a women, its natural for you to be jealous of men being allowed to marry four wives. Your experiences with polygamy are just that, your experiences.
                      Experiences come from real situations, you are aware?

                      Fairytales are made up though.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: "Yes, He is Our Husband"- A Second Wife

                        Originally posted by one_justice View Post
                        Experiences come from real situations, you are aware?

                        Fairytales are made up though.
                        Why of course polygamy as a whole is to be judged by your experience because afterall its the reality isn't it? That would explain your vomitting avatar friend lol.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: "Yes, He is Our Husband"- A Second Wife

                          Originally posted by Abu-Mohamed View Post
                          Why of course polygamy as a whole is to be judged by your experience because afterall its the reality isn't it? That would explain your vomitting avatar friend lol.
                          What are you trying to say?

                          Seriously, rephrase. The sarcasm is coming across fine but your point is not.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: "Yes, He is Our Husband"- A Second Wife

                            Originally posted by one_justice View Post
                            What are you trying to say?

                            Seriously, rephrase. The sarcasm is coming across fine but your point is not.
                            Do not tell me what to do WOMEN lol. There is good and bad cases of polygamy. We rejoice in reading this article. It is our feel good story!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: "Yes, He is Our Husband"- A Second Wife

                              Originally posted by one_justice View Post
                              Awesome thread for men. Thanks but didn't find it beautiful at all. The thought of being a robot does not appeal to me.
                              It's not a thread for men and caring about your co-wife doesn't make you a robot, Ukhti. After every woman will be a co-wife in Jannaha after all. They get worried thinking about that due to jealousy.

                              Well, here's an example showing how you will feel towards your co-wife in Jannah. Only happiness, love and respect. No jealousy or hatred.

                              :distant:
                              [SIZE=4][COLOR="#FF0000"][FONT=Book Antiqua][CENTER][B][URL="http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?459504-Immensely-rewarding-dhikr!!!&highlight="]IMMENSELY REWARDING DHIKR!!![/URL][/B][/CENTER][/FONT][/COLOR][/SIZE]

                              [FONT=Book Antiqua][SIZE=4][COLOR="#2F4F4F"][CENTER]Before you post, think..."Will this help me when I stand before Allah?" If it doesn't, then you're wasting time....[/CENTER][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

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