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  • Nervous about prospective bride

    Alright, I could use a place to vent my thoughts and emotions and receive feedback.

    First things first; I'm a convert/revert and have been Muslim for about 3 years, very serious about the deen and very knowledgeable about it, HSV-2 positive from life before embracing Islam, 27 and have never been married with no kids, Caucasian, follow Shafi'i madhhab.

    I found a HSV-2 positive sister through a positive Muslims group and we've really clicked. She's very serious in the deen although not quite as knowledgeable as myself, 21, Black, never married, and she has one daughter. We have talked on the phone and done video chat, I find her attractive. She is positive that she wants to marry me and we are starting to get the ball rolling on things. However, I am not 100% sure that I want to commit to this woman. It mostly has to do with her having a child already, but it's also that she wants me to move out of state to move in with her, and I'm not sure if we are culturally compatible.

    I feel in my gut that I can very likely do better than her, but it is far from easy to get exactly what you want when you are dealing with an STD. I have strong desires and I fear for my deen if I wait very long to marry, but I don't want to rush into a marriage and find myself unhappy. This sister is showing me that she would love me for the sake of Allah and be willing to compromise and work together to make a happy home for everyone and not just me or her. She really is looking like an excellent candidate for a wife, but there's still that gut feeling and I am very nervous about going through with this.

    If I want to marry a woman for her deen, I'm not sure I could do much better considering my health situation, and that is my top priority. Knowing this, I'm still hesitating. Are there any married folk on this forum that can relate and share with me how they dealt with these feelings? Should I be open and discuss it with her or would that be too much of a risk of hurting her feelings? This woman is literally head over heels for me; she is incredibly impressed by my knowledge of and devotion to the deen, and she has told me she thinks she'd be a fool not to marry me. I know what my options are, but how can I reassure myself and think clearly in order to do what's best for the both of us.

    جزاك الله خيرا

  • #2
    Re: Nervous about prospective bride

    don't rush into things.
    Last edited by skeptical; 09-11-14, 07:42 AM.
    sharing is caring.

    :banbear: + :hidban::hidban::hidban:

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    • #3
      Re: Nervous about prospective bride

      ...
      Last edited by Firecookies; 09-11-14, 07:43 AM.

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      • #4
        Re: Nervous about prospective bride

        --
        Last edited by Abdur-Razzaq; 09-11-14, 07:48 AM.

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        • #5
          Re: Nervous about prospective bride

          Is your condition life-limiting?

          I can't tell if this is cold feet because you're so close to getting married that you're nervous, or because your intuition is telling you not to marry her and to wait for someone 'better.' If you don't value her that much though, then maybe you're better off finding someone else. You are 27, and you're not getting any younger, either. Just some things to keep in mind.

          Have you prayed Istikhara? I would recommend that you pray it again.
          Last edited by starrynight11; 09-11-14, 08:06 AM.
          Life's actually pretty simple: you just have to enjoy it, pray, do good, refrain from bad, and respect others. Being Muslim is not a disadvantage or an advantage - it's a responsibility.
          "So patiently persevere: for verily the promise of Allah is true" (Qur'an, Surah Ar-Rum - 30:60)

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          • #6
            Re: Nervous about prospective bride

            Originally posted by starrynight11 View Post
            Is your condition life-limiting?
            It's a social stigma, not much more. It can be highly contagious if no medication is taken to suppress the virus, so if were to marry a woman who does not have the disease then she is at great risk to contract it eventually, and that is the main issue when it comes to marriage and HSV.

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            • #7
              Re: Nervous about prospective bride

              Originally posted by Abdur-Razzaq View Post
              It's a social stigma, not much more. It can be highly contagious if no medication is taken to suppress the virus, so if were to marry a woman who does not have the disease then she is at great risk to contract it eventually, and that is the main issue when it comes to marriage and HSV.
              And you said that the prospective bride carries that virus in your description. Would the fact that both of you carry and express the virus affect your offspring?
              Life's actually pretty simple: you just have to enjoy it, pray, do good, refrain from bad, and respect others. Being Muslim is not a disadvantage or an advantage - it's a responsibility.
              "So patiently persevere: for verily the promise of Allah is true" (Qur'an, Surah Ar-Rum - 30:60)

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              • #8
                Re: Nervous about prospective bride

                You got to look at it from a few perspectives here.
                You have found someone who is willing to be with you with your condition and seem to tick all the boxes.

                if you wait how sure are you that you might find someone and able to click in the same state as, if moving state is an issue,
                The wait can be long ,the wait can be short.

                Dont let the child be an issue provided she is in Deen and have changed etc....

                But, on the other hand you got to be comfortable as well.

                So pray Isthikara and make a decision, also consult some close family or friends and do a Mashoora as well.

                Youtube channel - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYk...dE4pHzSid7Lr0w

                **** Smiling won't cost you now is it ****

                Zawjati ,“Uhibbuki mithla mâ antê” “Uhibbuki kaifamâ kunteee”“Wa mahmâ kâna mahma sâra”

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                • #9
                  Re: Nervous about prospective bride

                  Originally posted by starrynight11 View Post
                  And you said that the prospective bride carries that virus in your description. Would the fact that both of you carry and express the virus affect your offspring?
                  As long as we work with the doctor during pregnancy the chance of the virus affecting the child is minimal.
                  As far as I know, her daughter has no complications.

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                  • #10
                    Re: Nervous about prospective bride

                    Why is her child an issue for you? And by better than her, do you mean someone without a child? With greater deen knowledge? Someone in your location? Or are there bigger issues at play?
                    Last edited by *sheba*; 09-11-14, 09:38 AM.
                    O people who take pleasure in a life that will vanish, falling in love with a fading shadow is sheer stupidity~ Ibn Qayyim Al-Jawziyya

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                    • #11
                      Re: Nervous about prospective bride

                      asalaamu alaykum. Bro, do istikharah. Then if u feel there is no obstacle and she is willing to improve herself as a Muslimah, then go ahead with it. You will probably find it hard to find someone as accepting and open as her. If you have an attraction towards her, then why not? About her child, that really shouldn't be an obstacle because she has enough experience to handle it so you're not disturbed. The main thing which would be bad is if you kept thinking 'i could have someone better', which would be a thought from shaytan because you've always wanted someone with compatibility to your situation. Keep doing istikharah.
                      visit this free Muslim marriage agency thats only for practising Muslims! >> www.puremuslimmatch.com

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                      • #12
                        Re: Nervous about prospective bride

                        Do Isitikhara bro. That would be the best thing at the moment

                        May Allah help you through this insha Allah
                        Believe
                        there is
                        good in the world

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                        • #13
                          Re: Nervous about prospective bride

                          Seems to me like the only reason you're considering her is because she has HPV2 as well.
                          May Allah grant you and her recovery ameen.

                          You need to pray istikhaara. And weigh your options.
                          I am not sure if you'll be able to find someone as quickly as you'd like to as it's all in the hands of Allah.
                          You might need to consider occupying your time with a second job, if you fear falling into sin. والعياذ بالله

                          Whatever you do don't lead her on anymore. It's unfair to her, and I don't know how she'd feel like if she knew she was your charity case.

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                          • #14
                            Re: Nervous about prospective bride

                            Bro, finding someone that wants to marry you is hard enough

                            But to find someone with a similar condition and wants to marry you.

                            That hardly happens. I think you are being too picky

                            You are in a better position than most of us for marriage
                            Ya Muqallib Al-Quloob Thabbit Qalbi Alaa Deenik
                            ( O changer of hearts, keep my heart steadfast on your deen)

                            www.treasureofthescholars.wordpress.com

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                            • #15
                              Nervous about prospective bride

                              I'm not sure what I can say. What do you mean you can find someone better than her? She seems to be willing to give up a lot for you. She ticks all your boxes, you find her attractive, you've clicked.

                              It could be that these doubts are just cold feet, which isn't uncommon at all. Possibly because you're a revert and you're still not used to the idea of marriage happening so fast. Or it could be that Shaytan wants to put these doubts in your head to prevent you from moving forward. Allahu a'lam.

                              Weigh up the pros and cons in your head. Pray istikharah and make lots of dua to Allah to clear your mind. But please don't lead the sister on if you realise you aren't interested. It's not fair on her or you.
                              اللهُمَّ أَعِزَّ الإِسْلامَ وَالمُسْلِمِينَ

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