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Sisters, Would You Agree to become the Second, or Third, or Fourth Wife???

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  • #16
    Re: Sisters, Would You Agree to become the Second, or Third, or Fourth Wife???

    Originally posted by zainah View Post
    not even if he is the last man on earth.
    lol
    “You don't need anybody to tell you who you are or what you are. You are what you are!”

    Comment


    • #17
      Re: Sisters, Would You Agree to become the Second, or Third, or Fourth Wife???

      Originally posted by InTheBegining View Post
      Extremist
      I know right! :rotfl:
      My heart will go on

      Comment


      • #18
        Re: Sisters, Would You Agree to become the Second, or Third, or Fourth Wife???

        Originally posted by Jenicca View Post
        :wswrwb:

        I would consider it.....whether I would do it is a different story, but would definitely give it serious thought.

        But it depends on the husband,

        I don't think my family would allow me to go through with it
        Under what conditions would you allow it?

        Comment


        • #19
          Re: Sisters, Would You Agree to become the Second, or Third, or Fourth Wife???

          Originally posted by first View Post
          Under what conditions would you allow it?
          None that I wish to discuss with random strangers on a public forum.
          وَالْعَصْرِ

          إِنَّ الْإِنسَانَ لَفِي خُسْرٍ

          إِلَّا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَعَمِلُوا الصَّالِحَاتِ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالْحَقِّ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالصَّبْرِ

          "If Allah (swt) only sent this Surah to us, for the guidance of Mankind, this will be enough for us” - Imam Shaafi'ee r.a.

          "Yeh dunya daar e faani hain, Tum apna dil mat lagaon, Ganimat samaj zinadagee ki bahar, aana na hoga, yahaa baar baar......"

          Khanqah Habibiyah

          Comment


          • #20
            Re: Sisters, Would You Agree to become the Second, or Third, or Fourth Wife???

            I'd consider becoming a second wife but only under very specific circumstances. For example, I have to know for a fact that he has already discussed this with his first wife and kept her fully informed that he's looking into marrying again. In fact I've only considered it once so far cos' I was contacted by a married brother whom I really respect a lot. Usually I'm suspicious of brothers seeking polygamy because so often I hear about guys who look into it for all the wrong reasons.

            I know this sounds like an odd thing to say but I don't think I'd consider being a third or fourth wife... cos' I feel I wouldn't get enough time with the husband if he has to split his week in so many different directions- it's hard enough coming to terms with him sharing half his time with one other wife let alone more.
            The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

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            • #21
              Re: Sisters, Would You Agree to become the Second, or Third, or Fourth Wife???

              Originally posted by Jenicca View Post
              None that I wish to discuss with random strangers on a public forum.
              I was just wondering under what conditions a woman would become a second, third, or forth wife. I wasn't trying to delve into your personal life. I apologize for that.

              Originally posted by neelu View Post
              I'd consider becoming a second wife but only under very specific circumstances. For example, I have to know for a fact that he has already discussed this with his first wife and kept her fully informed that he's looking into marrying again. In fact I've only considered it once so far cos' I was contacted by a married brother whom I really respect a lot. Usually I'm suspicious of brothers seeking polygamy because so often I hear about guys who look into it for all the wrong reasons.

              I know this sounds like an odd thing to say but I don't think I'd consider being a third or fourth wife... cos' I feel I wouldn't get enough time with the husband if he has to split his week in so many different directions- it's hard enough coming to terms with him sharing half his time with one other wife let alone more.
              If it's too personal, I understand. Under what conditions exactly would a woman allow herself to become a second wife?

              Comment


              • #22
                Re: Sisters, Would You Agree to become the Second, or Third, or Fourth Wife???

                Its fine akhi.

                To put it simply:

                - A man with Taqwa who follows the Sunnah
                - His reasons for polygamy
                - If his first wife was happy and supportive about him having a second wife. It would be important to get to know both individuals as individuals and to see how things would change and develop with and how well prepared they are to receive such changes.
                - How this man would help me further my relationship with Allah swt and what contribution he would make in terms of me learning Deen etc
                - Financial security

                And after all that....I may say no.

                It just depends on who the guy is and what he has to bring to the marriage really,
                وَالْعَصْرِ

                إِنَّ الْإِنسَانَ لَفِي خُسْرٍ

                إِلَّا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَعَمِلُوا الصَّالِحَاتِ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالْحَقِّ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالصَّبْرِ

                "If Allah (swt) only sent this Surah to us, for the guidance of Mankind, this will be enough for us” - Imam Shaafi'ee r.a.

                "Yeh dunya daar e faani hain, Tum apna dil mat lagaon, Ganimat samaj zinadagee ki bahar, aana na hoga, yahaa baar baar......"

                Khanqah Habibiyah

                Comment


                • #23
                  Re: Sisters, Would You Agree to become the Second, or Third, or Fourth Wife???

                  Originally posted by seagulls1999 View Post
                  If I was a female, I would, sharing is caring
                  that is why my brother, you are a male..... lol
                  Oh Beloved...take away what I want.
                  Take away what I do.
                  Take away what I need.
                  Take away everything
                  that takes me from you...-Rumi

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Re: Sisters, Would You Agree to become the Second, or Third, or Fourth Wife???

                    I can only speak for myself and can't really say what would apply to other women, though generally speaking, in this society, the vast majority of sisters would not consider polygamy at all. During my 20s I didn't consider it either, partly cos' I had a much stronger preference for single guys (still do) but mainly because my parents would NEVER have allowed it or considered it at all so out of respect for them I avoided considering it cos' they've mostly been really open minded when it's come to other stuff like considering rishtas who are more religious (my family is not religious at all) and of other ethnicities etc. Now that I'm older and disabled, my parents realise that I have fewer options so they kept more of an open mind when it came to the polygamous rishta even though my extended family really dislike that sort of thing.

                    So yeah like I said before, although I have more of a preference towards single guys, but if the guy is married and looking for another wife, he has to be someone who has discussed this with his wife (I mean properly discuss, not drop a hint and then go quiet when she goes ballistic so that she assumes he's forgotten about the whole thing) so that she knows where she stands. He has to inform his family (ie parents and siblings) of the second marriage as a second wife should be accepted as a wife in an equal manner, not kept hidden from the community like a mistress.

                    I know this would be difficult financially, but I'd want to live in separate accommodation; not in the same property as the in laws or the other wife- just for the sake of having my own space and privacy really.

                    The other criteria I look for in a marriage (ie whether the guy is single or married) still stands; ie taqwa, character, ability to provide and so on. I don't think I'm the sort of person who'd befriend a co-wife as I'd want to keep my personal life separate from hers, but at the same time, I don't want to be one of those women who shows rivalry or jealousy towards the other wife either. I'd rather know her as an acquaintance and mind my own business lol. Having said that, if I had kids, I'd want them to know the other family because I feel it's very important for children to know who their siblings are, even if they are 'half' brothers or sisters- they are entitled to keep ties and have some kind of relationship with each other.

                    He'd have to be the sort of husband who can manage and balance the relationships between the two families. His attitude towards the deen is also important to me cos' I'd want to ensure that if there is any disagreement whether between me and him, me and in laws, or me and the other wife's family, then he should turn to the deen for answers and stick with that whether that means he ends up siding with me or not cos' then I can accept his decision either way. Hope that makes sense.

                    Originally posted by first View Post
                    If it's too personal, I understand. Under what conditions exactly would a woman allow herself to become a second wife?
                    The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Re: Sisters, Would You Agree to become the Second, or Third, or Fourth Wife???

                      Originally posted by Zulia View Post
                      :salams

                      I know ..again...with the polygamy thread but this one is different, is anyone here that is the second and so on wife? I wanna hear your views.
                      I am in my thirties now and I do feel the need to have a family but when it comes to men who are already married, I am quite hesitant. I am not against polygamy and heck if my husband can meet the full criteria and be justful I will let him marry three more!!!!

                      Eventhough the man is a bit older, still healthy and able financially, a truly wonderful person and the best muezzin that I have ever heard, but I cant do it. I just cant..I know his family, his children.....everytime he pops that question or if I remember him, his wife and kids face pops in my head clearly. I dont have the heart to do it.

                      My mum had the worse, she was the first wife and my dad is quite violent to her. She have endured so much for him but then when he married his second wife, he just left us alone without anything. I remembered it was a hard time for us as he didnt give us any money and had only a year left to stay in the house.

                      Someone that I used to know, her husband didnt work and had a second wife. but luckily, the the first wife have a good job....but..in the end, she supported the husband and the wife!!!

                      Also there is a businessman who has 4 wives that lives in the same house with him, Alhamdulillah, everything seems to be good with everyone.

                      One friend of mine, is the third daughter of a third wife. Her father is 90 years old now. He got 4 wives and a lot of children and grandchildren and he told everyone that he has given up trying to recognize which one or how old are his children and grandchildren........................LOL

                      it is a hard choice! but in the end I wont do it. Unless the man's wife is the one who asks my hand in marriage with open heart.....
                      meeeh..I doubt it so.

                      I would ask her this first................ARE YOU CRAZY??????.......
                      :salams

                      ***I hope to actually add some Islamic concepts to the question here, for the sake of people who want to actually understand this topic inshAllah, so if you like it you can read it, if you don't you can reject it***


                      Polygamy is a door Allah opened, and from His mercy it is a door you can thus use to fulfill marriage. Allah could have chosen to close this door but He did not.

                      So, because it is open any sincere Muslim would always contemplate and consider it in a deep way, and an unequivocal rejection of it shows a lack of thinking and/or ignorance on the part of the person.


                      This door that Allah has opened allows you, as a Muslim woman, more options when it comes to marriage. Thus, you can pursue a man in marriage who is good, even if he is already married. Imagine a man like Abu bakr siddiq, or uthmaan ibn affan, available to more than one Muslim woman to marry herself to. It is not a door that Allah gave to men, which means that if a Muslim woman gets married we have no hope of getting her (unless her husband passes away or she divorces, and even then it is up to her). In this way, Muslim women have greater options to seek the best Muslim man possible.


                      As an example, I know a Muslim brother who is also one of my teachers, who has 2 wives. He is a great man, and if you talk to his second wife, she will probably tell you she would not consider anyone but him. This is because he has transformed her life, and the positive change he brought through his deen to her is something she values greatly, and she wouldn't have picked any single unmarried man to him.


                      The reason for the modern resistance of polygamy has to do with a few key points:

                      1] The natural jealousy of women exploited. Women have natural jealousy, but like any emotion or feeling, Allah teaches us how to direct them and control them. Thus men have physical desires, for example, but Allah asks us to control them in a correct way. However, modern society is based on freedom, so we do not learn how to maintain personal discipline, and instead our feelings and desires are given free-reign. In this way, a Muslim woman today often won't think about setting aside her jealousy for the sake of seeking something good for her akhira, but rather she will let her jealousy dictate her decision-making.

                      2] Lack of clear vision of akhira. As human beings, we are all subject to the influence of short-term thinking. So we will look at things as they are, or look at a situation as we see it now, instead of looking at the effects in the long term. You will notice how different some sisters here have replied versus others. This is because some of the sisters are deep thinkers who have thought carefully about the issue and looked at it from the perspective of their future, especially in akhira. They have a broad and refined world-view that comes from Islamic thinking. Conversely, others have not engaged in this, or have maintained the short-term thinking perpetuated by modern society which leads to actions that are not as fruitful.

                      3] The influence of the secular liberalist culture upon Muslim women, which has attacked all of the Islamic institutions, and the social system of Islam is no exception. Thus women have continually been sold the liberalist dream of monogamy in contracts (yet sleeping around outside contracts), individualism, looking-out-for-personal-interests, absolute independence and freedom, etc. This pressure, both intellectual and social, makes Muslim women (especially in heavily Western-influenced lands) much more unlikely to consider this option.

                      Parents who resist polygamy should, from an islamic perspective, be opposed if they do not give a serious islamic reason. This is especially true if the brother in question is very good with his deen, because the hadith prohibits the wali from rejecting a good brother, whether he is polygamous or not, if his deen is good.

                      Anyways, I just thought to add more to the discussion, and I'm not making this longer because people don't read posts that are too long it seems. This is already probably too long =/.
                      Last edited by al-siddiq; 16-09-14, 05:11 PM.
                      If you have any questions feel free to PM me!

                      Humililty, Sincerity, and the quest for Truth. There is no purpose in life but to seek the pleasure of Allah.
                      There is a possibility a female might use this account to read something!

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                      • #26
                        Re: Sisters, Would You Agree to become the Second, or Third, or Fourth Wife???

                        Why do you have to take 2nd 3rd or 4th place? Aim for gold she says!

                        لا تفكر كثيرا
                        بل استغفر كثيرا

                        -------------------------------------------------------
                        The children need your prayers more than anyone else
                        -------------------------------------------------------
                        www.inheritorsofquran.wordpress.com

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                        • #27
                          Re: Sisters, Would You Agree to become the Second, or Third, or Fourth Wife???

                          i agree with this thread.



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                          • #28
                            Re: Sisters, Would You Agree to become the Second, or Third, or Fourth Wife???

                            Originally posted by al-siddiq View Post
                            :salams

                            ***I hope to actually add some Islamic concepts to the question here, for the sake of people who want to actually understand this topic inshAllah, so if you like it you can read it, if you don't you can reject it***


                            Polygamy is a door Allah opened, and from His mercy it is a door you can thus use to fulfill marriage. Allah could have chosen to close this door but He did not.

                            So, because it is open any sincere Muslim would always contemplate and consider it in a deep way, and an unequivocal rejection of it shows a lack of thinking and/or ignorance on the part of the person.


                            This door that Allah has opened allows you, as a Muslim woman, more options when it comes to marriage. Thus, you can pursue a man in marriage who is good, even if he is already married. Imagine a man like Abu bakr siddiq, or uthmaan ibn affan, available to more than one Muslim woman to marry herself to. It is not a door that Allah gave to men, which means that if a Muslim woman gets married we have no hope of getting her (unless her husband passes away or she divorces, and even then it is up to her). In this way, Muslim women have greater options to seek the best Muslim man possible.


                            As an example, I know a Muslim brother who is also one of my teachers, who has 2 wives. He is a great man, and if you talk to his second wife, she will probably tell you she would not consider anyone but him. This is because he has transformed her life, and the positive change he brought through his deen to her is something she values greatly, and she wouldn't have picked any single unmarried man to him.


                            The reason for the modern resistance of polygamy has to do with a few key points:

                            1] The natural jealousy of women exploited. Women have natural jealousy, but like any emotion or feeling, Allah teaches us how to direct them and control them. Thus men have physical desires, for example, but Allah asks us to control them in a correct way. However, modern society is based on freedom, so we do not learn how to maintain personal discipline, and instead our feelings and desires are given free-reign. In this way, a Muslim woman today often won't think about setting aside her jealousy for the sake of seeking something good for her akhira, but rather she will let her jealousy dictate her decision-making.

                            2] Lack of clear vision of akhira. As human beings, we are all subject to the influence of short-term thinking. So we will look at things as they are, or look at a situation as we see it now, instead of looking at the effects in the long term. You will notice how different some sisters here have replied versus others. This is because some of the sisters are deep thinkers who have thought carefully about the issue and looked at it from the perspective of their future, especially in akhira. They have a broad and refined world-view that comes from Islamic thinking. Conversely, others have not engaged in this, or have maintained the short-term thinking perpetuated by modern society which leads to actions that are not as fruitful.

                            3] The influence of the secular liberalist culture upon Muslim women, which has attacked all of the Islamic institutions, and the social system of Islam is no exception. Thus women have continually been sold the liberalist dream of monogamy in contracts (yet sleeping around outside contracts), individualism, looking-out-for-personal-interests, absolute independence and freedom, etc. This pressure, both intellectual and social, makes Muslim women (especially in heavily Western-influenced lands) much more unlikely to consider this option.

                            Parents who resist polygamy should, from an islamic perspective, be opposed if they do not give a serious islamic reason. This is especially true if the brother in question is very good with his deen, because the hadith prohibits the wali from rejecting a good brother, whether he is polygamous or not, if his deen is good.

                            Anyways, I just thought to add more to the discussion, and I'm not making this longer because people don't read posts that are too long it seems. This is already probably too long =/.

                            I think women dont like polygamy is because they think men just use polygamy to get more and more and more ||||||||||||| intimacy.
                            Simple as that.
                            Most women cant comprehend that.

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                            • #29
                              Re: Sisters, Would You Agree to become the Second, or Third, or Fourth Wife???

                              Originally posted by F_R View Post
                              Why do you have to take 2nd 3rd or 4th place? Aim for gold she says!
                              If done correctly surely everyone gets gold??

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                Sisters, Would You Agree to become the Second, or Third, or Fourth Wife???

                                2nd? Perhaps. 3rd or 4th? Never in a million years.
                                اللهُمَّ أَعِزَّ الإِسْلامَ وَالمُسْلِمِينَ

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