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Brothers (or anyone): How would you rather be rejected?

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  • Brothers (or anyone): How would you rather be rejected?

    Salaam,

    If I meet a prospective and I KNOW before I even meet them that I have no interest in marrying him, what is the best thing to do?
    - Tell him before he even gets to your house that he's better off staying at home
    - Let him come over and be polite and hospitable, then tell him a few days later
    - Keep it going for a few weeks until he starts to ask for confirmation or planning engagement functions, then tell him it's a no.

    I'm asking because the first option seems brash and rude, the second would waste some money on a gift (an arab tradition when entering someone's house for the first time) and make them feel that it was because of their looks or what they said or what they wore when really they didn't do anything wrong and it has nothing to do with that. The third wastes a lot of the person's time - wouldn't they rather have moved on already?

    I'm asking because I've actually tried all of these and every time, the guy is offended. If I reject him pointblank straight away, he feels cheated like, you didn't even give me a chance, and if it's later, it's also very annoying because he wants to know why and he thinks he can negotiate. And I genuinely don't want to inconvenience people or give them too much stress.

    Also; I played no part in getting anyone to ask for my hand, they get referred to my house by aunties who are kindly concerned about my age. :(
    ما يفعلُ اللهُ بعذابكُمْ إن شكرتُمْ وآمنتُمْ وكان الله شاكرًا عليمًا

  • #2
    Re: Brothers (or anyone): How would you rather be rejected?

    Wa alaikum salaam

    Option 1.

    Definitely not option 3.
    "And thus have We willed you to be a community of the middle way."
    (al-Baqarah: 143)

    Allahumma innaa na'udhu bika min an nushrika bika shai-an na'lamuh; wa nastaghfiruka limaa laa na'lam.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Brothers (or anyone): How would you rather be rejected?

      :salams

      Option 1

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Brothers (or anyone): How would you rather be rejected?

        Originally posted by AliaB View Post
        Salaam,

        If I meet a prospective and I KNOW before I even meet them that I have no interest in marrying him, what is the best thing to do?
        - Tell him before he even gets to your house that he's better off staying at home
        - Let him come over and be polite and hospitable, then tell him a few days later
        - Keep it going for a few weeks until he starts to ask for confirmation or planning engagement functions, then tell him it's a no.

        I'm asking because the first option seems brash and rude, the second would waste some money on a gift (an arab tradition when entering someone's house for the first time) and make them feel that it was because of their looks or what they said or what they wore when really they didn't do anything wrong and it has nothing to do with that. The third wastes a lot of the person's time - wouldn't they rather have moved on already?

        I'm asking because I've actually tried all of these and every time, the guy is offended. If I reject him pointblank straight away, he feels cheated like, you didn't even give me a chance, and if it's later, it's also very annoying because he wants to know why and he thinks he can negotiate. And I genuinely don't want to inconvenience people or give them too much stress.

        Also; I played no part in getting anyone to ask for my hand, they get referred to my house by aunties who are kindly concerned about my age. :(
        I would do option 2. Always give them the benefit of the doubt, you never know if you change your mind once you meet.
        Never option 3, that's when negotiation or worse pleading comes in.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Brothers (or anyone): How would you rather be rejected?

          Originally posted by Khadijah_24 View Post
          I would do option 2. Always give them the benefit of the doubt, you never know if you change your mind once you meet.
          Never option 3, that's when negotiation or worse pleading comes in.
          Thanks sis. This makes sense, because I don't ever say no to my parents, I usually go behind their back to say no, so best just behave until they let me "go away and think about it".
          ما يفعلُ اللهُ بعذابكُمْ إن شكرتُمْ وآمنتُمْ وكان الله شاكرًا عليمًا

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Brothers (or anyone): How would you rather be rejected?

            Originally posted by AliaB View Post
            Thanks sis. This makes sense, because I don't ever say no to my parents, I usually go behind their back to say no, so best just behave until they let me "go away and think about it".
            What the point I meeting someone you have no interest in? I would feel ok if it happened to me, but I probably would want a reason even though I'm not entitled to one. But I wouldn't be hurt.. don't waste your time or anyone elses.. it's too valuable

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            • #7
              Re: Brothers (or anyone): How would you rather be rejected?

              Originally posted by hitorinoghareeb View Post
              What the point I meeting someone you have no interest in? I would feel ok if it happened to me, but I probably would want a reason even though I'm not entitled to one. But I wouldn't be hurt.. don't waste your time or anyone elses.. it's too valuable
              Parents wouldn't take no for an answer from me, especially if I haven't even given the prospective any careful consideration. They would only accept a no if it was accompanied with a vaild reason such as "he has two heads" and even that is negotiable.
              I just don't want to get married, at least not at the moment ("never say never"). Well-meaning people tell the guy to come and visit our house and then I feel bad for the guy who is actually just here for no reason.
              ما يفعلُ اللهُ بعذابكُمْ إن شكرتُمْ وآمنتُمْ وكان الله شاكرًا عليمًا

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Brothers (or anyone): How would you rather be rejected?

                as soon as possible, we don't have time to waste,
                http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

                "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

                – Imam al-Shafi’i (Rahimahullah)

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                • #9
                  Re: Brothers (or anyone): How would you rather be rejected?

                  option 1, dont lead me on bruh
                  They say good things come to those who wait, so imma be at least an hour late

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Brothers (or anyone): How would you rather be rejected?

                    --
                    Last edited by Umm.Hafsa; 07-09-14, 05:12 PM.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Brothers (or anyone): How would you rather be rejected?

                      Tell him as soon as possible. DONT WORRY ABOUT HURTING HIS FEELINGS! he will be fine once he walks it off.

                      but do it SOON, because then youre wasting his time and your time, also if you already made your decision youre kind of like egging him on for no reason, dont do this.

                      just say something like "hey after some thought I dont think it will work out between us".

                      he'll understand and move on to the next one on his list (joking).

                      if the guy is still being persistent then in his mind, you must be quite the catch. he wouldnt waste his time on just anyone. in these situations you just have to do your best to ignore them. eventually he would just move on and stop bothering you.
                      Last edited by ss91; 05-09-14, 07:26 PM.
                      "The duty of the man who investigates the writings of scientists, if learning the truth is his goal, is to make himself an enemy of all that he reads, and,.. attack it from every side. He should also suspect himself as he performs his critical examination of it, so that he may avoid falling into either prejudice or leniency."
                      -Alhazen Ibn Al-Haythem

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Brothers (or anyone): How would you rather be rejected?

                        Originally posted by AliaB View Post
                        Parents wouldn't take no for an answer from me, especially if I haven't even given the prospective any careful consideration. They would only accept a no if it was accompanied with a vaild reason such as "he has two heads" and even that is negotiable.
                        I just don't want to get married, at least not at the moment ("never say never"). Well-meaning people tell the guy to come and visit our house and then I feel bad for the guy who is actually just here for no reason.
                        Definitely option 1.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Brothers (or anyone): How would you rather be rejected?

                          If you're absolutely certain, then option 1 please.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Brothers (or anyone): How would you rather be rejected?

                            salaams to all

                            i dont understand the part where the OP says:
                            "If I meet a prospective and I KNOW before I even meet them that I have no interest in marrying him, what is the best thing to do?"

                            how would u know?
                            whats it about him that makes u so sure?

                            have u seen him before?

                            anyways, YOU dont make the arrangements, your mother does it
                            thats the way its supposed to work

                            this makes it much easier
                            just get ur mother to tell his mother that my daughter is not interested at the moment

                            dont give any reasons
                            and even if they ask
                            just say shes not ready yet

                            and Allah ta'ala knows best
                            jazakallah
                            Sufyaan Thawri "Whoever is very popular with his relations and neighbours, we suspect him to be compromising in preaching the true teachings of religion."
                            very good site for English bayaans in MP3 format-check it out- u wont be disappointed: http://www.musjidnoor.za.net/index.html & http://alhaadi.org.za/majlis-program...downloads.html

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Brothers (or anyone): How would you rather be rejected?

                              Originally posted by msmoorad View Post
                              salaams to all

                              i dont understand the part where the OP says:
                              "If I meet a prospective and I KNOW before I even meet them that I have no interest in marrying him, what is the best thing to do?"

                              how would u know?
                              whats it about him that makes u so sure?

                              have u seen him before?

                              anyways, YOU dont make the arrangements, your mother does it
                              thats the way its supposed to work

                              this makes it much easier
                              just get ur mother to tell his mother that my daughter is not interested at the moment

                              dont give any reasons
                              and even if they ask
                              just say shes not ready yet

                              and Allah ta'ala knows best
                              jazakallah
                              The OP is not interested in marriage. Her parents are just pushing her to look at prospects.

                              Comment

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